Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I Have Figured It Out

As i have previously mentioned Marcus and I will start TTC soon and i have had a lot of worry and anxiety about this. I desperately want another baby but for some reason i have been so nervous and worried. I had up to this point not been able to put my finger on why i was feeling this way but after a long talk with Marcus last night i think i have gotten to the bottom of it.

I was 18 when i got pregnant with Phabian. I knew that complications could arise in pregnancy (as i had read every book under the sun about pregnancy) but outside of miscarriages (not to make that sound light) i had never experienced any loss as far a children in my family go. When i got pregnant with MJ i naturally assumed that since my pregnancy with Phabian had went so well i would have no problems. When they went in to do an Echo on MJ at 20 weeks (heart problems have been known to happen in Marcus' family) i never thought of anything since Phabian's went by so uneventfully. Then the doctor said this and in exactly these words, "We detected a white spot on the baby's heart and that is a sign of downs syndrome along with other problems. We need to do an amnio and some other test and then you can decide on whether to terminate."

I panicked and started wailing. I would never have ever thought about termination but the thought of my precious baby being sick was not what any parent wants to hear. I was terrified. After praying about it and having my cousin who is a RN do some research for me i learned the statistics and put it in God's hands. If there was something wrong with MJ we would find out after he had been brought into this world. Needless to say MJ was born 100% healthy and we never spoke another word about it.

When Chelsie became pregnant with Nadia we naturally assumed everything would go smooth. She already had one very uneventful pregnancy and there was no reason why things shouldn't be the same this time around. When we found out, when i got the call that day, that something was wrong my stomach dropped. I knew the feeling cause it was the same one i had when they told me something was wrong with MJ. I hung up the phone and cried. We didn't know right then exactly what was wrong or where this journey would take us.

Little Angel Nadia was born on August 31 2007. She was already in heaven even though she was entering this Earth. My heart broke not only because of the loss of my beautiful niece but for the pain that Chelsie had to endure. No one should ever have to bury a child...ever. Nadia touched our lives in her short time in her mommy's belly and in our world, but what we wouldn't have given to have her hear with us today.

You never think that things like this could happen to you or someone you love. You never get pregnant thinking something could be wrong. You never think is my baby going to have something wrong that could cause them not to be born alive. You don't think about these things because they could never happen to you or the loved ones you have...until they do.

Once they do happen it is all you think about. It is all you know. Anytime someone say i'm pregnant you want to tell them anything that could go wrong and tell them to prepare for the worst just in case. You are so worried that instead of just being happy you spend your time praying that God make this baby whole and healthy. This is where i am. This is what my anxiety is all about.

I am so scared because now i know how real the 1 in 10,000 or 1 in 2,000 statistic is. I know that just because it shouldn't statistically happen to you doesn't mean that it wont. It hit close to home and now it scares the hell outta me. It breaks my heart when i think about all the women i have met since who have had to say goodbye too soon to their babies. Kandy had to say goodbye to Ruby, Stacy had to say goodbye to Isaac, Angie had to say goodbye to Audrey! Those are just a few of the many! It scares the hell outta me that i could get what i want only to lose it!

So this is where i am! I am scared and nervous! I put it in God's hands to give me what he feels is right. If he gives me a happy healthy baby then i will take it and love it, and if he gives me a journey that he feels i need to take then i will accept that as well. I know that he knows what is best for me but it doesn't stop me from being scared and maybe it should but i have seen the heart ache and i don't want to feel that pain.


Brittany said...

If anyone understand its me. I had the exact same scare you did with MJ. I go thursday for an echo ultrasound just to make sure its nothing serious. But, like you said we just have to put it in Gods hands. And I am sure that God will bless you and your hubby with another beautiful child... Maybe a girl this time !!!!! I cant wait till you get you big fat positive that is so exciting !!!!!!

Laura McIntyre said...

Oh hun i completely understand, its such a terrifying thing and the thought of losing a child is devastating.
I was terrified getting pregnant again after Rebecca because of all her problems . We got so lucky with her , statistically she should not have made it . How would we cope if we had another baby with health problems ?

I think you cannot think like this though, you need to think positively . A babe in your arms is what you think about.

Have you told the kids yet or are you planning to wait till you are pregnant?