Monday, December 28, 2009

Our Weekend

Well we have had quite the weekend. I would love to say we had a wonderful Christmas weekend and that all was well but alas that is just not how it went. But lets start at the beginning for those of you who don't follow me on twitter or facebook.

A few weeks ago Sione' started getting a little bit of a stuffy nose. I didn't think much of it because my other kids were a little stuffy as well and i figured it was just a little cold and would run its course and be gone.

Around the 22nd it turned into a little bit of a cough but still being a third time mom i figured just start suctioning the nose out and keep him warm and cared for and all will be fine with time. No need to rush off to the ER with a infant for a little cough and stuffy nose.

Christmas Day we packed up and went to my Brother's after we got done opening and playing with presents. While there i noticed Sione' was coughing a little harder than normal and he also was not eating well. He would wake up eat an ounce or so and then go back to sleep for 2 or 3 hours.

Now he did not get to 11lbs by eating an ounce every 3 hours so i knew something was not right. Later that night when we got home he was still sleeping a lot and not eating so i gave him a warm bath and kept him in the steamy bathroom for a few mins then laid him on the couch and suctioned him out really well. A few mins later he started coughing. He literally coughed til he turned blue. So i told Marcus it was time to take him to the ER.

I called my sister and ask if she would mind taking us. The big boys were already asleep and i didn't want to have to wake them up and drag them out to their Granny's in the cold. So she took us to the ER where we were told the great news. There was a 12+ hour wait. The back was full, 2 emergency ambulances has just shown up, and there were 4 people ahead of us in the waiting area. So i made the hard decision to go home and try again the next day. I honestly figured anything he had would only be made worse by sitting in the ER for 12+ hours with other sick people.

So the 26th we got up and headed to the local MedExpress. They took us back and the doctor came in to check him out. His pulse ox was a low and scary 92, which does not require oxygen but is a warning sign. They informed us they did not have the stuff to test for RSV and that we would need to go to the ER and possibly be admitted. The doctor was nice enough to call ahead to the ER and let them know the situation and that we were on our way. Before we left they gave him a nebulizer treatment to try and improve his pulse ox level.

When we arrived at the ER they took us back and immediately hooked him up to a pulse ox monitor. Thankfully the treatment had helped and his pulse ox was back up to 98. They ask what was going on and i explained the whole thing to the ER doc just as i did here on this blog.

At the ER in his Daddy's arms

She looked at me questioningly as if she didn't believe me when i said he had turned blue while coughing. She then said to me in an almost smartass tone that they would have to admit us if he was turning blue. She said it as if i would change my mind and say well maybe it was more red than blue or something. Of course i responded with a very polite...if that is what we need to do than ok...and she seemed surprised.

After a chest x-ray the pediatric docs came in and the were so sweet. They listened intently to what i was saying and then proceeded with a plan of action. They wanted to check for both RSV and Whooping Cough. They were more worried over WC then RSV since he has not been vaccinated for it yet.

After the ran the tests they admitted us to the pediatric floor and got him hooked up to an IV for fluids and chest monitors along with his pulse ox monitor. It was so sad to see him all hooked up to the monitors with wires and such going everywhere. He was such a trooper though.

Sorry its blurry but this is in our room after admission

I couldn't hold him much because of the wires and such and he was so good just sleeping on his own and only being held to feed him. I am so glad i have such a happy boy.

They confirmed RSV and told us they were keeping us for at least 24 hour observation. If he could stay off oxygen and keep his pulse ox up they would release him.

Yesterday he got his appetite back and even was smiling and cooing some. They said he looked great and they were releasing us. They told me to keep a close eye on him. I have to suction him out before and after each feeding and any other time he sounds like he might be congested. This is all in hopes of preventing pneumonia from forming.

We are home now and so glad to have the worst behind us (God willing). Prayers are still very much appreciated. We have a follow up appointment on Wednesday with his pediatrician and i also have a midwife appointment.

Now we are just trying to keep everyone separated and out of faces. Lots of hand washing and antibacterial gel using going on in this house. No one, outside the 5 of us, with a snotty nose or cough is aloud in the house. Just taking what ever precautions we can. Unfortunately i seem to have picked up a bug while at the hospital so this is proving harder done than said.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

2 Preschoolers + 1 Bag of Flour = Mommy Fail

So the other day i decided i wanted to make Christmas Cookies with the kids. So i made the dough before dinner and put it in the fridge to rest. After dinner i pulled out the dough, the flour, the rolling pin, and the cookie cutters.

I dusted the table with flour and gave each kid a ball of dough to roll out and cut their own tree, santa, train, and angel out of. They had such fun and yes they even got a little messy.

However i had a 'duh' moment when i went to put the cookies in the oven and set the timer. I forgot to remove the open, whole bag of flour from the table where 2 very curious boys were still sitting. This is what i came back to find:

In the end all was well. The bath tub was full of paste and the next night we decorated and ate the yummy creations we made.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Sione' - 1 Month

Dear Sweet Sione',

You have been in our arms for a month now and what a month that has been. It is a lot like riding a rollar coaster. We hit a high peak and come crashing down but before long we are right back to the top again.

You are such a sweet little angel. There is so much i notice about you everyday. Like the way you love to hold on to my fingers as i nurse you. I can not begin to tell you how magical it is to see your little hand hold mine as i give you the nourishment that only i can. Mommy had to make the hard decision to let that part of our relationship go, but i know we will still be ok. You will still grow strong and big and we will still love each other just as much. I could never explain what these 5 weeks have meant to me.

I still love to take in your smell. You no longer smell of that new baby scent but you still take my breathe away and fill me with warmth. You smell now like baby soap. That sweet smell of baby freshness is wonderful although you are not a big bath fan.
Your little smile is just more than anyone could ever imagine. You giggled for the first time the other day while spending some quality time with Daddy. You love him so much as you do your brothers.

Phabian and MJ are still adjusting to having you here but they love you more than anything. MJ told us we couldnt give you away (not that we ever would lol) to Granny. He said you have to stay with us and that is just how we want it.

Your eyes are so black. They are not even brown. When i look in them and see my own reflection it melts my heart. I know you are seeing me and I you. There is a piece of me in you and it is only a part of what makes you so perfect.

You are so strong. You try to hold you head up on your own a lot. When you are on your belly you can hold it up for about a minute or two all by your self. It is so fun to watch you and hear you take in the sights and sounds of your still new world.

You coo a lot and we all enjoy cooing back. Holding that conversation that only we can understand with you. You are just a miracle in our lives and we love every minute of it.

Daddy stays up with you most night and lets Mommy sleep. You are really gassy and it is hard sometimes but we always do our best to clam and comfort your little tummy. You enjoy sleeping in your carseat best and i am guessing it is because it bunches you up and makes your tummy feel better. It is so serene to watch you sleep.

We are all loving every second of you being in our world and we love watching you grow. I can not wait to see what the next month has to offer us.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I'm So Torn

What i really need right now is someone to tell me it is ok!

Today i have decided to stop breastfeeding. It is breaking my heart. I feel like i am being torn in half.

Part of me wants to keep going. The connection it gives me to my baby, the bond we have formed. The way he grabs my finger while he nurses, and the way he almost loses his latch when he smiles up at me while he is eating. The fact that i feel like i could nurse him forever when he drifts off to sleep. The way it comforts him and me. These are all the great wonderful parts of this adventure that makes me hang on.

The other half of me is tired of trying to make two puzzle pieces fit together that were never made for each other. That's how it feels. Like me and breastfeeding just do not work. It has been one problem after another. Thrush, torn up nipples multiple time, latch issues, not enough fat content in my milk, too much foremilk not enough hindmilk. Now my milk supply seems to be going down and he is not getting full even after long periods on both breasts at one feeding.

I don't truly know if my milk supply is dwindling or if it is just the lack of fat content in my milk, but either way it is heart breaking. I am not filling him up. He eats for 20 mins to 30 mins on each breast at one feeding and still turns around and takes a 3 to 4 oz bottle.

It just hurts so bad. My heart hurts to think that the most basic of motherly things may just not be meant for me to do. I feel like i failed somehow. I wanted this so bad. I wanted it for him and for me. I wanted to be able to provide him with my milk. The one thing only i can do.

I need someone to tell me it is ok! It is ok that it is not working out. It is ok that he drinks formula. It is ok because he will still be healthy and strong no matter if his food comes from a bottle or a breast. I need someone to tell me he will still love me just as much if i cant breastfeed him. That out bond will still be just as strong. It is ok that i am angry and confused!

I had the best month ever even through the pain and problems. I got what i wanted even if it didn't last long. I got to feed him from my breast for 5 whole weeks. I got to bond with him in a way i didn't with my other kids.

I will never forget the moments of just me and him on the couch. I will never forget the look in his eyes or the feel of his little cheek on my skin. I will not forget the way he held my finger in his little hands til he fell fast asleep. I will cherish those moments forever.


I need someone to tell me it is ok! I need someone to help heal this wounded heart.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Breastfeeding 911!!!

So we are three weeks into this journey and although things have been up and down i can honestly say they are mostly up.

Well all is mostly up...just one thing is seemingly still really stressful and frustrating.


Now i know it is a process and i think ours has been longer and harder than most lol. First we struggled with his latching correctly. For the first week he had my nipples tore up. After a day or two of pumping my nipples healed and we were back to the breast.

His latch was doing great. Nice big mouth covering all it was suppose to...yadda yadda yadda! Even the lactation consultant said he had a perfect latch! I was thrilled to hear it.

Just when i thought we were doing good week 2 brought us a battle with thrush. So 3 days of treatment with Gentian Violet, 2 purple nipples, and a purple baby mouth later we were thrush and pain free. Back to nursing again!

Now week three and although his latch is perfect about 90% of the time my nipples are back to being tore up after a rough patch of bad latching.

I am frustrated to say the least. After 2 whole days of pain free nursing follwed by one day of struggling with latching i am so sore i cant even put him to the breast without cringing in pain. I am just at a loss for words or even actions.

How long is this going to continue? How long before he has his latch down so well that he quits tearing my nipples up? I know using the bottle on occassion has probably aided in this processes but he seems to know the difference between bottle and breast. Like i said 90% of the time he gets the latch right and it is just that 10% of the time that he doesnt that leaves me frustrated and in pain.

So help me out here! Breastfeeding mothers i call to you to help a fellow feeder!

How long did it take before your nipples were toughened up? How long did it take your baby to perfect their latch? How did you keep your baby awake long enough to make sure they were getting full (he is horrible about falling asleep after 5 mins and then waking up starving 10 mins later)? How long and how often did you feed your baby? What positions did you use? Anyone who had latch problems and torn up nipples; how did you make sure you were completely healed? Did you pump for a few days and then put baby back to breast or did you just grin and bear it?

I really need your help here! Any advice at all even if it isnt for a question i asked. I dont wanna give up trying breastfeeding but i am so frustrated with this back and for cycle. I enjoy this bonding time so much and i just feel defeated sometimes.

Please if you are not a breastfeeding mom but know someone who is, direct them my way. Maybe they can help to answer my questions.

(Yes i have talked to a lactation consultant about all of this but i just want more info from women who are going through it right now or recently went through it. More learning never hurts and i am all about having as much knowledge as possible right now.)

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Sione' - 3 Weeks

Do you see this baby......

And this...................

Oh yes and this too.................

Well he makes it really hard to take any time to get on the computer. He is not a very good sleeper right now. I think he has a built in sensor that alerts him when i am sitting down at the computer or going to cook dinner.

He is up about every hour to hour and a half wanting to eat. As much as i would love nothing more than to cuddle on the couch with him all day long and nurse, my boobs and my brain, not to mention the other two little men in this house, will not stand for it.

I have felt like a horrible mom the last few days. I realized Phabian and MJ are on there own a lot through the day because of the rigorous feeding schedule we are on right now. A lot of the time i find myself telling them to go to their room, sit down, be quiet, watch TV. Oh yes i said it! The TV has been doing way too much baby sitting for the last few weeks.

I know we are adjusting and soon Sione' will sleep longer and i will have more attention to give to them but the back of what is left of my sleep deprived brain tells me i am failing in the attention department. I feel like i need to do more and sometimes i fail to realize i just had a baby 3 weeks ago.

Yes 3 weeks ago i gave birth to a handsome baby boy who is now 9lbs and growing fast. He makes me smile, and he makes me cry tears of both joy and frustration. The bottom line is that these last 3 weeks have been beautiful. If this is the last time i will ever see this sweet, wonderful stage of life i am taking every second of it in.

I gave birth 3 weeks ago and as much as i tried to rest and recover life did not slow down for me. I still had other children who needed me. Meals had to be prepared. Baths had to be given. Songs had to be sang. Kisses had to be given along with hugs at bed time. The house needs cleaned. The dishes need washed. The bills need to be paid. And before all that can be done a baby needs to be nursed, changed, rocked, and put back to sleep.

Somewhere in there i have managed to get a few hours of sleep, a shower if i am lucky and eat when i can find 30 seconds to put together a snack. Life is hectic but there are no take backs (not that i want one). I know that soon this stage will pass.

Soon Sione' will be sleeping through the night. Soon he will be toddling around. Soon he will be playing cars with his brothers. Soon he will walk out that door for his first day of school. And my heart will break a little more with each milestone that comes and goes. My boys are all growing so fast.

Phabian will start Kindergarten in the fall and MJ will be in Pre-K and soon after Sione' will turn one. And that time will be here way too fast. So i am trying to enjoy these days and not wish them away just yet.

I try to savor the smell of his tiny baby skin. Taking in deep breathes as he nurses. Taking as many pictures as i can. I take as many silent moments as i can to just stare at him while he sleeps. I try to enjoy every second of him needing me because i know all to well that this time will pass. The day will come when i am no longer his favorite person and he doesn't depend on me so wholly.

Yes that day will come all too soon. Until then you will find me sleep deprived, hopped up on new baby smell, struggling to take care of 3 boys who mean more to me than words could ever begin to describe.