Monday, October 22, 2012

Funny Kid Moments

P: Mom today was kid vote day at school and we got to pick between president Obama and some white guy.

Me:(busts out laughing) What did you just say?

P: We got to vote on who we wanted?!?

Me: No who did you vote between?

P: Barack Obama and some white guy. His name starts with an "R".

M:(after a minute of unstoppable laughter) Who did you vote for?

P: Obama of course!

Me: High five son! Good choice!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Thursday, October 18, 2012

This Life Is Mine

Sunset at football practice.

I have a lot of things hanging heavy on my mind but the only thing i can get out right now is that i am so abundantly blessed.

I think that is something we over look a lot in day to day life. We bitch, moan, and groan about how things are hard, stessful, and not going our way and we forget to just be thankful for the things that are good.

Today i am thankful that i have 3 beautiful, happy, well adjusted, healthy kids. I have a faithful, loving, kind hearted husband to whom i have been married for almost 8 years. I live in a beautiful city where there are a multitude of things to do (for free). I am once again within a short drive of my best friend (with whom i have a date tonight).

This life may not be perfect but it is mine and it is blessed.

Saturday, October 6, 2012


I dont really know what to say here. I dont want to be a debby downer but right now i just dont have a lot of positive stuff to say.

Im homesick. When we planned this move i never though i would miss "home" so bad. I never thought i would miss my friends and family so bad. I guess you never know until you do it and then....well you just find out.

Something that has come out of this that i never expected is that i have learned how much i truly am thankful for my MIL.

When i first got married to my husband i never really thought of his family as my family. Even after almost 8 years of marriage if you would have ask me before we moved i would have told you i loved his family but didnt really know where i fit in with them.

Now...i know where i was and where i fit in. His mother is my mother. His family is my family. As someone who lost her mother at a young age i couldnt have ask for a better family to marry into.

I miss my MIL terribly. And not just because i have no one to watch my kids but because it took me moving 500 miles away to realize how much we are loved and wanted. I feel guilty because i feel like i ripped my kids away from the only grandmother they knew and i feel like in a way i ripped myself away from the only mother i have know since my mother passed away.

Sometimes i just want to pack all of our things and go "home". I want to run as fast as i can back to the place i feel most comfortable. But my reasons for moving my family here are still the same.

I still feel there is a better life for us here. More opportunities. More chances to better live the life that we have dreamed of.

I just have to get past this hurdle of homesickness. I have to get out and find my place in this new city. I have to reach out and grab hold of the new life we have ventured into.

If you could please, send some prayers my way. Pray for God to lighten my load, brighten my outlook, and aid in my strength.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

I Haven't Had Time

Or maybe i just haven't taken the time to notice. My babies are growing. Too old, too big, too fast!

Someone posted this poem on facebook the other day:

Hand Print On The Wall

One day as i was picking
the toys up off the floor,
I noticed a small hand print
on the wall beside the door.

I knew that it was something
that i'd seen most everyday,
but this time when i saw it there
I wanted it to stay.

Then tears welled up inside my eyes
as i knew the print wouldn't last,
I saw that in the days ahead
my children would grow up too fast.

Just then i put the chores aside
and held my children tight,
I sang to them sweet lulabies
and rocked them through the night.

Sometimes we take for granted
all those things that seem so small.
Like one of God's great treasures...
A small handprint on the wall.

Author Unknown

It made me bawl. But more importantly it made me take a moment a really think about my boy. They arent so little anymore.

On Wednesday Phabian will start 2nd grade and MJ will enter 1st. Next fall Sione will begin Head Start. They are 7, 6, and 2 3/4. They are all potty trained. They can all walk and talk in full sentences. They can dress themselves and pick out their own clothes.

Phabian is capable (and willing) to fix himself and his brothers PB&Js for lunch. MJ reads to Sione. Sione, well, he is just a mess (but a cute one).

Sometimes i just wonder where all the time is goin and why its going so fast. I have a million pictures to show that these boys were once little babies in my arms. I use to be able to fit all 3 of them in my lap at the same time. Now...well now i can barley fit Phabian in my lap at all.

I just want to slow them down. Tell them to not grow so fast. That being an adult isnt all its cracked up to be. But most importantly...

I need more time. I need ever second. To instill in them responsibility, compassion, empathy, respect, love, morals, patients, values, and all the other things that moms are suppose to teach their kids.

We are only given such a short time to teach them so much. It isnt long enough. I need longer. I want longer. But short fleeting time is what i have. And as my Mama always taught me to do I am making the best of it. One day at a time. One lesson following another.

I just feel like im going to blink and they will be gone, out into the world where i can no longer shelter them from the harsh truths of adulthood. 

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Here, There, Everywhere

We moved!

3 weeks ago we took a 9 hour trip with no intentions of returning anytime soon. We unpacked on very little sleep and put things together. We organized, unpacked, and cleaned. We pushed and pulled and ran in circles. And in the end we were here and exhausted.

I am forever grateful that my kids did amazing on this long trip. We left about 5 in the evening and they slept on and off, snacked, and chit chatted the whole way. The only bad part came when Sione started panicking over a lightening storm we went through. In that moment i saw the love between brother. MJ (Phabian was riding with his dad in the uhaul) grabbed Sione's hand and sweetly said, "its ok 'one(o-nay), ill hold your hand so you wont be scared no more"!

As I said to a friend who ask how we are adjusting, its a process. The vacation feeling has disappeared and reality has set in that we are not returning "home" anytime soon, but this place still doesn't quite feel like home YET. I know it will eventually, with time.

We have a new daily schedule that involves the pool or beach (living 20 mins from the beach is AWESOME) most days. The kids start school on August 22nd and are pretty excited about their new school. They have already made friends with the little kids around our neighborhood. Kinda goes to show that kids adjust much better then adults to new surroundings lol.

I am still not working but hubby started a few days after we got here. He is working evening shifts (3/4/5-10/11/12/1) which is a big adjustment for us all. The kids and I are use to him being home for the whole dinner/bath/bed routine. But alas someone has to pay the bills and right now it is falling solely on daddy. The good part of this is that it leaves our days wide open to adventuring around our new city (which if you have never been to Charleston, SC please put it on your Must Visit List! It is a stunningly beautiful city.)

On the big upside, i am entertaining the idea of re-enrolling in school. Not anytime soon but possibly next fall (when i am considered a state resident and tuition is cheaper lol). It has always been my dream to attend culinary school and with a amazing school close by it is an even more realistic possibility now. I'm pretty excited about it but hesitant as i don't really know how well it will fit into our daily life. gotta have dreams thought right!

So I'm going to throw this out there for the few readers i might have left lol. I don't update much here anymore (if that isn't obvious enough) unless i have the spare time. However, as convenience (read smart phones) tends to go, you can find me daily on Facebook, Instagram(chaosisus), Pinterest, and Tumblr (although i am pretty new to Tumblr so i haven't actually posted anything yet)!

I hope all of you are having a blast and living life to the fullest. I'm off to wait on my hubby to get home from work.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Im Gunna Miss This

The last few weeks (and the weeks to come) have been very hectic and stressful.

I posted on Facebook about a tic i was having in my eyebrow. It lasted for 4 days straight. It finally quieted itself as i relaxed on a beach with 3 of my best girlfriends.

Our move is coming up quickly (more quickly then i think i am prepared for). We have nothing done, or so it feels like.

Everything on the SC end is in order except for a job for mama. The packing for the move is happening, slowly, but none the less.

I have been snippy, hateful, and on edge for weeks. Trying to get everything done, organized, and packed.

Then yesterday, after we took a pool break and returned home, Sione made me take a time out.

He required my attention and was not taking no for an answer. So i begrudgingly gave it to him.

I let all 3 boys help with dinner. We had burgers. Sione seasoned the burgers, Phabian helped me put them in the hot frying pan, and MJ helped me place the cheese on all of them.

My husband worked a double yesterday (and the day before and so on), so i prepared the kids for bed alone. He is trying to work as many hours as he can so we wont feel stressed about money in the few weeks following our move. I understand, appreciate, and love him for that. It still doesnt make bedtime any easier.

I tucked the kids in, kissed them, and gave out hugs. The pool made for quick sleep for the 2 oldest (who tend to rise before the sun and no longer nap on a regular basis).

Sione however (or as always) was not to go down so easy. I sang our normal songs and we said prayer together like we always do. I was feeling drained, frustrated, and exhausted. I didnt want to fight with him.

Up, down, up, down, up, down, etc... Same song and dance as always!

I finally broke and yelled at him. Threatened to spank him if he didnt lay down and go to sleep. He cried. A heart breaking wail. My heart broke into a million pieces.

After he quieted he came into my room (again) and said, "Sing to me mama, pwease".

Defeated, exhausted, and broken i got up and went in his room. I laid him down in he little toddler bed and tucked his blanket around his little arms.

I sat down on the floor beside his bed and began to stroke his hair with my fingers. He smiled the most innocent smile at me and whispered, "Twinkle, mama".

I could see the sleepiness taking over as his eye lids began to get heavy and droop. I continued to stroke his hair as i sang all of our songs again.

And as he fell asleep under my touch, and i felt his little muscles relax and his little snore kick in, i said my own silent pray:

"God i know i have not been the best mother. I have yelled and screamed and threatened. I have lost my temper over small things, and ignored the things i couldnt manage to deal with at that moment. I have not given enough love and attention when they need it. But thank you for blessing me with these little miracles. And I pray that you bless me with another day to try harder to be the mom they deserve."

What i realized in the moment of brokeness as my littlest baby feel asleep under my soft song and gentle touch is that he forgives me. They forgive me! All the yelling and all the threats dont matter int he long run to them. I am their Mama and no matter what they love me for better or worse.

I sat in the floor by my babies' beds for awhile after that. I took in their little snores, their innocent faces, the fact that they were secure, safe, and comfortable. I must admit that i cried a little bit, and made the same vow i always make on days like this.

I will do better tomorrow. I will be better tomorrow. I will appreciate the little things more. I will let them hang on me. I will laugh with them instead of yell at them. I will hold them tighter, kiss them more, and tell them i love them often. I will sing that song over and over again because right now it is his favorite and 15 minutes isnt a long time in the big scheme of things. I will take the time to just stare at my babies. To memorizde their little faces and their little quirks.

Because they are growing up so fast.

They wont be my babies for much longer, even though in my heart they will always be my babies.

They wont want hugs and kisses and bedtime songs soon.

And i'm gunna miss this time when its gone.

Monday, May 14, 2012

I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane....

Well not actually a jet plane. A car and a uhal is more suitable but there isn't a song that sings about that (i don't think ).

We have 48 days until our big move. Charleston, WV to Charleston, SC! And if i can be honest i am so extremely nervous and anxious about this big move.

We went down at the end of April and looked at places. We found the perfect place and jumped on it. It is an apartment in a wonderful community. They have a ton of amenities and it is going to be a great starter place for us. Plus it is only about 5-10 minutes away from my sister and 20-30 minutes from the beach. But is it going to feel like home? Can i MAKE it feel like home?

My husband has already transferred his job and starts the week after we move. I, however, am going down at the beginning of June to put in applications and look for a suitable daycare (and finalize everything with the apartment). Him already having his job in place is somewhat of a relief but still we need the second income and i am responsible for providing it. Its a stressful burden but none the less i accept it and know that it is just a necessary evil of this material world.

We are moving 471 miles away from our home. The place we were both born and raised. Our immediate family and the people who support us most when we are in a hard spot. It is terrifying to say the least. The fact of the unknown, the possibility that we can't do it, that we will fail miserably and have to move back with our heads held low is excruciating.

If you never knew this about me, i am revealing it now, i am a perfectionist and i am terrified of failure.

I have let this fear hold me back from a lot of things in life. It has crushed a lot of hopes, dreams, and possibilities, but i refuse to let it strip this dream from me. I am putting my head down and charging through the fear and on to a new and better beginning for my family. But that doesn't mean that i am not petrified.

The fear that bubbles deep down in my gut is overwhelming at times. The hows and wheres and whys of the situation is tremendous. The unknown possibilities, the never ending line of could happens, and what ifs. At times it is all a little too much.

I have a list of things a mile long that i need to be should be doing. But between work, kids, and stress it all just seems impossible to accomplish. I wish i had a step by step guide, a day by day guide of what exactly i need to accomplish. Should i start packing things up day by day? Or should i start with the sorting? Or should i just do a little of both as i go? I just don't know!

We are moving in 48 days! 6 week! 1 1/2 months! And i feel like it is approaching waaaaaaaaay to fast.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

11 Questons Meme

My friend Rachel (who just recently started blogging over here) set out a challenge to complete a meme about ourselves.
The Rules:
*. You must post these rules
*. Each person must post 11 things about herself on their blog
*. Answer the questions the “tagger” listed for you in their post and create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer
*. Choose 11 people to tag and link them to the post
*. Let each blogger know you’ve tagged them
My Questions:
1.Star Trek or Star Wars?
I am really not the fan of either. I guess Sci-Fy isnt really my thing :)

2.Tea or Coffee?
I am a coffeeholic! I cant even function without coffee first thing in the morning.

3.What's the best thing about being a parent?
The best part of being a parent is most definitely the love and pride i feel when my kids set goals for themselves and then acomplish them. Their pride in themselves is what drives me.

4.What's the worst thing about being a parent?
The worst part of being a parent is not being able to fully explain to my kids why we cant always just have fun. I hate having to say no or not allow them to do things that they have their hearts set on. But being a good parent means sometimes saying no.

5.What would you like your children to learn from having you as a parent?
Strength, pride, independence, love, faith, heart, forgivness, and mostly how to be the person that they are and never try to please others by changing who they are at heart. 

6.Do you have a tattoo and if so what is it?
I have a few tattoos. I have a dolphin on a wave on my lower back. Under that i have the nickname Crying Angel. I have a rainbow heart on my right ankle. And a cheeta cub that is on my upper back with my kids name under it. I also plan on getting some flowers on my foot with one step at a time over them.

7.How would you describe your fashion style?
I dont really have a style. I like to wear what ever is comfortable. Or whatever i feel like looks good on me. My fave color is teal/turquoise and i tend to wear a lot of sea colors.

8.Do you have any piercings?
Yes, i have my tongue and my ears done 4 times on each side. I use to have my nipples but took them out when i had my babies. And when i was 16 i had my belly button done but i took it out when it got infected and never got it redone.

9.When did you last get drunk?
A week ago! It was my birthday and so me and hubby and a few people went out and partied it up. Your only 26 once right :)

10.Summer or Winter?
Definitely summer! I love the heat and all the activites (aka swimming, the beach, tanning, sports) that you can do in the summer.

11.How would you describe your parenting style?
I am definitely more of a free range parent. I tend to like to let my kids figure out their own way to accomplish things and i feel that figuring out things for themselves without my hovering allows them to build confidence in their own talents and abilities.

Now its your turn! I am putting this to all my readers. Answer the following questions and tag a few people or pass it around.

1. What is one thing you wish you would have done before you have kids that you cant do now that you have kids?
2. Do you have any tattoos? Do you want one or more?
3. Do you have or have you had any piercings?
4. What is the best and worst part of being a parent?
5. What would you like your kids to learn from you as a parent?
6. What is your personal parenting style and motto?
7. What made you fall in love with your significate other, or what do you look for in a significate other?
8. What is the one food you can not live without?
9. What is your biggest addiction and how does it affect your life?
10. Who is your role model or who do you look up to the most?
11. If you could change one thing about you day to day life what would it be and why?

Have fun and be honest! If you a have already participated in this meme feel free to answer my questions in my comments. Id love to hear your answers!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

I Wish I Was A Goose

I Took the kids to the park the other day. It was a beautiful day and i needed to try to find my happy.

Watching my boys run around the lake as the geese followed in hopes of getting bread was certainly my happy.

Then my mind started to wonder.....

What must it be like to be a goose. Moving freely from place to place when ever the weather moves me.

Swimming uncaringly on a pond with an extended family ranging into the hundreds.

Not a care in the world except whether the new people taking their daily stroll have bread to feed me.

I think it must be nice to be a goose. To feel that freedom and know that the most i need to worry about this day is  where i will get my next bite of bread and where the wind will carry my wings.

It must be nice to be a goose.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


Have you ever needed something so bad but not been able to put words to it?

Have you ever needed something from someone but not been about to speak the words out loud?

I have so much going on in my head right now and i dont think i have the courage or words to get it out right now.

Its hard to be truly honest.

We put stuff out into the world and call it truth but how much of it is real truth and how much of it is the happy version of the truth that we are willing to share.

How much are we willing to bare our souls to people we dont really know. How often have you found yourself typing out a blog or facebook post and then you back track and retype it so it is a happier, less depressing version of the truth.

Its too raw. Too sad. Too much to share.

What will people say? Will they think you are a hypocrite? A bad person? A lyer?

Things are going around and around and at the point i am not sure where they will land.

Maybe one day i will put words to it and send it out into the world, but for now it stays locked in my head. A wordless letter of emotions.

I'm just not strong enough right now to let it all hang out.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Reading (Kinda)

After the urging of about a gazillion friends i started reading The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. I must say i wasn't impressed with the first chapter. I felt a little lost and out of the loop.

Now i must say that i am only on chapter 3. I have found it hard to get into it like i normally do a book. By the beginning of the second chapter i was more into it but apparently not enough to make me want to read like crazy (as i normally do when i find a book that captures all of my attention).

I will finish it. And i think inevitably i will like it. I just wanted to throw this out there and see if it is just me. Have any of you found it hard to get into? Did you enjoy it in the end? Have you read the whole trilogy?

I guess i will let you know when i finish how it went.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Hot Kitchen

I have rediscovered my love of cooking!
The last couple months i have had some extra time on my hands (another story all together) and throught that extra time i have started cooking a lot.

Lots of large, hardy, filling meals. Meals like my mom use to cook. Meals that warm both the heart and soul.

I dare not call my food soul food but for me it is all the things soul food are meant to be.

While i have always used to find interesting and new recipes i have found that i like blogs more. They are more personal and more comical entertaining fun.

One of my favorites is The Pioneer Woman Cooks. If you havent been introduced to The Pioneer Woman, Dee Drummond, you have been missing out. She not only cooks, Dee blogs, homeschools, feeds cattle ranchers all day and night, crafts, travels, raises kids, perfects photography, and has her own show on Food Network!!!!

She is a true superwoman, but you would never hear her admit that. She gives moms like me hope and a guiding light. And did i mention her cooking is A-MAZING!!!!

A few weeks ago i stumbled upon another foody treat through another blog. And it was love at first reading.

Jamie Cooks It Up is a delightful blog filled with delicious recipes and relatable stories. Jamie is a very down-to-earth mother of 5. She has been blogging Since 2009 and all though i dont think i can believe it she says she couldnt cook a lick when she got married.

These two ladies have taken up about 95 percent of my food board on Pinterest (and if you dont know what that is ask somebody cause its amazing).

So point being is i am cooking like mad. Making things i didnt know i had in me. Filling my family's bellies and hearts with warmth and love.

Its a great feeling!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Easy Homemade Doughnuts


Frozen yeast rolls
Powdered sugar
Vanilla or almond flavor

Layout how many ever rolls/ doughnuts you want to make. Put 12 per sheet pan an spread them so they have room to rise. Cover then with plastic wrap and let them rise according to the package directions.

Start heating your oil. Uncover your risen rolls. Use a shot glass or something about that size (I used a medicine cup that came off the kids motrin lol) cut the center out of the rolls. At this point they will deflate. Don't worry it doesn't affect the outcome.

When the oil is ready (I use one of the holes to test its readiness) put in a couple doughnuts at a time. It will only take a minute or so and then flip it over to brown the other side. Once the whole thing is golden brown take it out of the oil and place on a cooling rack for about 5-10 minutes.

While your doughnuts cool you can make your icing. Pour about 2 cups of powdered sugar in a bowl. Put in about a tsp of vanilla or almond flavor an whisk in milk til you get a silky texture. It shouldn't be too thin so add the milk slowly.

Once your doughnuts are fully cooled dip them in the icing (I use my fingers for this but u can use forks or any utensil you like.) I dip one side for things I am putting sprinkles or powdered sugar on and both for a regular glazed doughnut. Make sure you lay the dipped doughnuts back on a cooling rack so the excess icing can drip off. Add your sprinkled or powdered sugar as soon as you dip them and get them on the cooling rack so it will stick.

And enjoy!!!

Hope you like them!!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

I Never Told Anyone

I have a deep desire to live in the country.

Not like out a small tree lined lane, but really out in God's country.

I want there to be no other houses for miles. I want there to be wide open views of mountains, tree, and maybe a lake.

I want to get snowed in during the winter. Sit by an open fire place with hot cocoa and a warm blanket.

I want to be able to walk bare foot during the summer along a well worn trail. I want to smell the fresh air (even if it makes me sneeze uncontrollably).

I want to live off the land as much as possible. I want to hunt deer and raise my own cattle and chickens. I want a horse, large and graceful, to ride and be a companion and confidant.

Part of me wants the silence of no modern technology, while part of me screams are you nuts.

I want to retire to this place. Maybe when my children have their own life, their own kids.

Or maybe it is just a fantasy. A silly dream that will never be realized.

But I hope not. I pray that one day this dream can come true.