In Complete Contrast....

To my previous post.

I need to escape. Sometime i feel it deep down when i have had enough. When we have these days where the kids wont listen and the baby just cries and i just shut down.

I need to get away. I want to shut the door and run as fast and as far as i can. I want to breathe! Take deep breathes in and out and in and out. I want to just look off into a sunset and not have to worry about tomorrow.

I need a break. A break from bills. A break from the day to day. A break from my kids and my role as a mother. I need a break from the role of the strong wife who lets the world take a ride on her shoulders.

I need time for me. Something that is mine and only mine. That is why i loved my job so much. Not because i made a lot of money. Hell i barely made anything. I loved it because it was mine. I got a few hours away from the role i play everyday. I got time to have conversations that had nothing to do with dinner plans, wiping butts, or paying bills. I could talk about anything or nothing at all, and i did often.

I need silence. I want to sit in front of a fireplace and read a book and not be interupted 20 million times. I want to sip my coffee as i sit on the porch and watch the snow fall. It is so quiet when the snow falls. The silent sound of the car's wheels slowly crunching across the snow covered streets. The way the early breaking light bounces off the snow. It is pure bliss.

I just want a life outside of my family. I love my kids and my husband more than anything in this world. My heart aches when i think about them not being here in my life. But my heart also aches when i think of the things i can not do or can not make time to do. I want to be happy and whole.

I use to think that all i needed was love from my family but i am beginning to understand i also need time for me. Time where it is just me and a book or me and silence.

I dont know if i should publish this. I have been sitting here thinking about it for awhile. I guess i will just hold my breathe and take the plunge. If i feel it someone else in this world must also.

Those Eyes

I am reading a book. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold which as most know has been made into a movie. I don't know if i have a desire to see the movie but i am thoroughly into the book. This is why i like fiction books. Sometimes they make you think. Think about things and situations you might never experience. They make you see things from a different point of view.

This book has made me think a lot. Things change over time. We change over time. We grow older, become wiser, love harder, fall further. And sometimes one tiny event can change and sculpt our whole lives.

As i read further into this book i think often about my Grandma and how it must have felt for her to watch her child leave this earth before her. I do not know this pain, although i recognize all to many people do. I also think about my sister Chelsie and how it hurt her more than anyone could have ever expressed when she said goodbye to her little angel. I hope to never experience this pain.

As i watch the characters in this book and how their lives are all shaped and transformed by the death of their daughter/sister/friend/neighbor it reminds me all to well that life is priceless and we are never guaranteed another day.

I look deep into the eyes of my children and husband i try to picture them not in my life. All i can get it an empty void. A hollow place in my heart that the meer thought of brings on a teary blur in my vision. I can not fathom my child not coming home from school or not waking up in the morning. I dont want to think that anything of this nature could ever touch our family. But alas we are not immune to life and its twists and turns.

All we can do is live each day to its fullest. Love with all of our heart. Shed all of our locks and chains and let anyone in who wants in. If they hurt us all we are left to do is pick up the pieces and start over again.

Life is a long journey of laughs, heart aches, smiles, tears, bright lights, and dark cornors. It all in the end, if we follow the path chosen for us, and learn the lessons along the way with an open and grateful heart, leads to a fuller, happier, more love filled life.

Resemblance

(Click On The Picture To See Full Size)

Do you see it? Can you tell me what it is? The shape of the eyes? The little button nose? The arch of the brows?

I dont see a huge resemblance between my children, but there is something. When i look at them all at the same age...i just dont know.

What do you see?

Mojo.......

I think my bloggy mojo has ran away!

Can you help me find it? Point me in the right direction? Give me a hint? Anything will do!

I want to write! I want to tell you everything i have been doing. It is just...well...it is boring really.

I have been enjoying life and my baby and my kids and my husband. I have been taking less pictures and spending more time viewing things through my own eyes instead of a lens. I just dont know how, scratch that, i cant find the words right now.

I sit down and think, "I am going to write a blog post today about such and such" and then by the time i get a free hour to do it i am so tired and just want to unwind and play Farmville lol.

I guess this too will pass. We all have highs and lows and i guess right now i just have more important and better things to be doing. I miss you all and i hope when i do get back to writing daily i still have some readers left.

Rollin'...Rollin'...Rollin' On The Floor

Look who is on the move!!!!



I can not believe he is rolling over already! Awwwwww...I think i might cry!

One milestone down and a million more to go.