This is the post where you get to know the whining not so attractive me! I just need to get this off my chest and whine to someone who isn't family or IRL friend!
As i tried to clear my reader today i noticed a trend. A lot of my bloggy friends are pregnant! Now before i commence my whining i would like to give a big congrats to Elaine @ The Miss Elaine-ous Life who just announced her pregnancy! I hope you have a healthy and happy pregnancy!
Now let the whining begin!
As most of you all know by now we are TTC! We started this new journey on Jan 13th and i had hoped that by now i would have great news to share. Now i know that it can take awhile to get pregnant but i was hoping out past would have a commonality with out present.
It only took me about a month and a half to get pregnant with Phabian and a month to get pregnant with MJ. I am blessed with healthy reproductive organs and the ability to carry a child. I know this is a blessing (especially now) as i read so many stories on other blogs about the hurt and pain they have suffered through infertility. But gosh dern it i am getting impatient!
it seems like every time i open my reader and get to read through the 100 post that build up over night i find out someone else is pregnant and guess what, it isn't me! I took my first PG test on Feb 8th which was exactly 4 calender weeks since we started trying. Now i take one ever Sunday til i get a positive. It is a little depressing to take test that you constantly fail so to speak.
I desperately want that positive little pink plus sign, or 2 lines, or even a digital your pregnant! I know, my heart knows, that God will bless me when the time is right and that all good things are worth waiting for and so on and so one but can someone please tell that to my ever impatient baby craving brain!!!
It is like my brain is in baby mode and every time the pregnancy test says nope not yet my brain has a anxiety attack and a million questions run through my head. Did my IUD cause damage? Will i be the 1 in 100 women that can't conceive after having the IUD removed? Am i doing something wrong? Am i exercising too much? Should i stop trying to lose weight? These are all things i think about and it drives me nuts cause this is just not me.
So there it is! I am so happy for all of my blog friends that are having little bundles of joy and i wish them all nothing but the best. Now i am left wondering is it my turn yet?
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Friday, February 20, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Just One Of Them Days....
That a girl goes through!!!
OK now that i got that out of my system. I really don't have a lot on my mind which is confusing and relaxing all at the same time. It isn't like i shouldn't have things to think about. I have a lot that i could be thinking about or stressing about i suppose. I just haven't been worrying about stuff lately. I have given it over and let the stress go.
I have became very thankful for what i have. The bills are paid, we have a roof over our head, clothes on our backs, food in our bellies, and shoes on our feet. We cant complain about how our life is going right now. Things are not perfect but tell me who's life really is!?!
I have found a lot of humor in the last few weeks. Just finding time to laugh instead of cry has made me feel that much better about how things are moving along. Marcus and I had been doing a bit of arguing about the whole TTC issue. He said i was pushing too hard and i felt like he didn't really want to take this step in our life. When we finally talked calmly about it (and i got him to open up cause he is a man and they don't like to share emotions) we found that we both wanted this but were both nervous about the change.
To try and "take the pressure off" and relax we have been spending more time just cuddling. We are watching movies at night after the kids go to bed and holding hands more. It really is helping not only with the TTC but also with just bringing us closer than we have been in years.
Don't get me wrong we have a wonderful marriage. We hardly ever have a fight and when we do it is never a huge someone stomps out of the house and leaves too cool off fight. We just had let the "new" feeling wear off. You know what i am talking about?
The feeling you have when you first start dating and then get engaged and get married! The feeling of holding their hand and looking into their eyes to find that you have butterflies in your belly. That feeling of desire that makes you just want to go rent a hotel room for one night and spread roses on the bed. That feeling of fire that just burns every time they brush up against you. Man that is an amazing feeling.
Over the last week we have found that again! I really don't know how we lost it in the first place. Maybe it was 2 pregnancies back to back, or raising the results of those 2 back to back pregnancies. Maybe it was the fact that he works all the time and when he comes home we are so worn out that we can barley find time to talk much less hold hands and watch a movie. Maybe it was both of those combined but either way we found the cure.
Just those few hours on the couch snuggled under a blanket watching a movie. Just the feel of his arm around my shoulders and his hand clasped in mine. Just the feeling i get when he makes me laugh or looks into my eyes and smiles. He gives me butterflies again and it is amazing. We are laughing with each other and oh how i love when he makes me smile. It was one of the reasons i fell in love with him.
We are in it for the long haul and no matter what others may see when they look at us, only we know what is in our hearts. I was watching an interview Barbra Walters did with Will Smith when he said, Divorce is not an option. And since it isn't an option we better find some way to be happy together cause it is gunna be awhile" or something of that. I really like that. Cause i think people often give up too easy. Marriage is hard work! You wont always agree and you wont always win every battle, but you do have to try. You have to remember why you love this person! What made you fall so hard for them. Rekindle the fire that you had in those first years. It is hard work but so worth the end result!
OK i am done being serious for today. I have give aways comments to go fill out! Oh what now you ask? Well Mel @ A Box of Chocolates is giving away a $25 gift certificate for Created By Chel! And if you want to find more great giveaways you can always check out Bloggy Carnival!
OK now that i got that out of my system. I really don't have a lot on my mind which is confusing and relaxing all at the same time. It isn't like i shouldn't have things to think about. I have a lot that i could be thinking about or stressing about i suppose. I just haven't been worrying about stuff lately. I have given it over and let the stress go.
I have became very thankful for what i have. The bills are paid, we have a roof over our head, clothes on our backs, food in our bellies, and shoes on our feet. We cant complain about how our life is going right now. Things are not perfect but tell me who's life really is!?!
I have found a lot of humor in the last few weeks. Just finding time to laugh instead of cry has made me feel that much better about how things are moving along. Marcus and I had been doing a bit of arguing about the whole TTC issue. He said i was pushing too hard and i felt like he didn't really want to take this step in our life. When we finally talked calmly about it (and i got him to open up cause he is a man and they don't like to share emotions) we found that we both wanted this but were both nervous about the change.
To try and "take the pressure off" and relax we have been spending more time just cuddling. We are watching movies at night after the kids go to bed and holding hands more. It really is helping not only with the TTC but also with just bringing us closer than we have been in years.
Don't get me wrong we have a wonderful marriage. We hardly ever have a fight and when we do it is never a huge someone stomps out of the house and leaves too cool off fight. We just had let the "new" feeling wear off. You know what i am talking about?
The feeling you have when you first start dating and then get engaged and get married! The feeling of holding their hand and looking into their eyes to find that you have butterflies in your belly. That feeling of desire that makes you just want to go rent a hotel room for one night and spread roses on the bed. That feeling of fire that just burns every time they brush up against you. Man that is an amazing feeling.
Over the last week we have found that again! I really don't know how we lost it in the first place. Maybe it was 2 pregnancies back to back, or raising the results of those 2 back to back pregnancies. Maybe it was the fact that he works all the time and when he comes home we are so worn out that we can barley find time to talk much less hold hands and watch a movie. Maybe it was both of those combined but either way we found the cure.
Just those few hours on the couch snuggled under a blanket watching a movie. Just the feel of his arm around my shoulders and his hand clasped in mine. Just the feeling i get when he makes me laugh or looks into my eyes and smiles. He gives me butterflies again and it is amazing. We are laughing with each other and oh how i love when he makes me smile. It was one of the reasons i fell in love with him.
We are in it for the long haul and no matter what others may see when they look at us, only we know what is in our hearts. I was watching an interview Barbra Walters did with Will Smith when he said, Divorce is not an option. And since it isn't an option we better find some way to be happy together cause it is gunna be awhile" or something of that. I really like that. Cause i think people often give up too easy. Marriage is hard work! You wont always agree and you wont always win every battle, but you do have to try. You have to remember why you love this person! What made you fall so hard for them. Rekindle the fire that you had in those first years. It is hard work but so worth the end result!
OK i am done being serious for today. I have give aways comments to go fill out! Oh what now you ask? Well Mel @ A Box of Chocolates is giving away a $25 gift certificate for Created By Chel! And if you want to find more great giveaways you can always check out Bloggy Carnival!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I Have Figured It Out
As i have previously mentioned Marcus and I will start TTC soon and i have had a lot of worry and anxiety about this. I desperately want another baby but for some reason i have been so nervous and worried. I had up to this point not been able to put my finger on why i was feeling this way but after a long talk with Marcus last night i think i have gotten to the bottom of it.
I was 18 when i got pregnant with Phabian. I knew that complications could arise in pregnancy (as i had read every book under the sun about pregnancy) but outside of miscarriages (not to make that sound light) i had never experienced any loss as far a children in my family go. When i got pregnant with MJ i naturally assumed that since my pregnancy with Phabian had went so well i would have no problems. When they went in to do an Echo on MJ at 20 weeks (heart problems have been known to happen in Marcus' family) i never thought of anything since Phabian's went by so uneventfully. Then the doctor said this and in exactly these words, "We detected a white spot on the baby's heart and that is a sign of downs syndrome along with other problems. We need to do an amnio and some other test and then you can decide on whether to terminate."
I panicked and started wailing. I would never have ever thought about termination but the thought of my precious baby being sick was not what any parent wants to hear. I was terrified. After praying about it and having my cousin who is a RN do some research for me i learned the statistics and put it in God's hands. If there was something wrong with MJ we would find out after he had been brought into this world. Needless to say MJ was born 100% healthy and we never spoke another word about it.
When Chelsie became pregnant with Nadia we naturally assumed everything would go smooth. She already had one very uneventful pregnancy and there was no reason why things shouldn't be the same this time around. When we found out, when i got the call that day, that something was wrong my stomach dropped. I knew the feeling cause it was the same one i had when they told me something was wrong with MJ. I hung up the phone and cried. We didn't know right then exactly what was wrong or where this journey would take us.
Little Angel Nadia was born on August 31 2007. She was already in heaven even though she was entering this Earth. My heart broke not only because of the loss of my beautiful niece but for the pain that Chelsie had to endure. No one should ever have to bury a child...ever. Nadia touched our lives in her short time in her mommy's belly and in our world, but what we wouldn't have given to have her hear with us today.
You never think that things like this could happen to you or someone you love. You never get pregnant thinking something could be wrong. You never think is my baby going to have something wrong that could cause them not to be born alive. You don't think about these things because they could never happen to you or the loved ones you have...until they do.
Once they do happen it is all you think about. It is all you know. Anytime someone say i'm pregnant you want to tell them anything that could go wrong and tell them to prepare for the worst just in case. You are so worried that instead of just being happy you spend your time praying that God make this baby whole and healthy. This is where i am. This is what my anxiety is all about.
I am so scared because now i know how real the 1 in 10,000 or 1 in 2,000 statistic is. I know that just because it shouldn't statistically happen to you doesn't mean that it wont. It hit close to home and now it scares the hell outta me. It breaks my heart when i think about all the women i have met since who have had to say goodbye too soon to their babies. Kandy had to say goodbye to Ruby, Stacy had to say goodbye to Isaac, Angie had to say goodbye to Audrey! Those are just a few of the many! It scares the hell outta me that i could get what i want only to lose it!
So this is where i am! I am scared and nervous! I put it in God's hands to give me what he feels is right. If he gives me a happy healthy baby then i will take it and love it, and if he gives me a journey that he feels i need to take then i will accept that as well. I know that he knows what is best for me but it doesn't stop me from being scared and maybe it should but i have seen the heart ache and i don't want to feel that pain.
I was 18 when i got pregnant with Phabian. I knew that complications could arise in pregnancy (as i had read every book under the sun about pregnancy) but outside of miscarriages (not to make that sound light) i had never experienced any loss as far a children in my family go. When i got pregnant with MJ i naturally assumed that since my pregnancy with Phabian had went so well i would have no problems. When they went in to do an Echo on MJ at 20 weeks (heart problems have been known to happen in Marcus' family) i never thought of anything since Phabian's went by so uneventfully. Then the doctor said this and in exactly these words, "We detected a white spot on the baby's heart and that is a sign of downs syndrome along with other problems. We need to do an amnio and some other test and then you can decide on whether to terminate."
I panicked and started wailing. I would never have ever thought about termination but the thought of my precious baby being sick was not what any parent wants to hear. I was terrified. After praying about it and having my cousin who is a RN do some research for me i learned the statistics and put it in God's hands. If there was something wrong with MJ we would find out after he had been brought into this world. Needless to say MJ was born 100% healthy and we never spoke another word about it.
When Chelsie became pregnant with Nadia we naturally assumed everything would go smooth. She already had one very uneventful pregnancy and there was no reason why things shouldn't be the same this time around. When we found out, when i got the call that day, that something was wrong my stomach dropped. I knew the feeling cause it was the same one i had when they told me something was wrong with MJ. I hung up the phone and cried. We didn't know right then exactly what was wrong or where this journey would take us.
Little Angel Nadia was born on August 31 2007. She was already in heaven even though she was entering this Earth. My heart broke not only because of the loss of my beautiful niece but for the pain that Chelsie had to endure. No one should ever have to bury a child...ever. Nadia touched our lives in her short time in her mommy's belly and in our world, but what we wouldn't have given to have her hear with us today.
You never think that things like this could happen to you or someone you love. You never get pregnant thinking something could be wrong. You never think is my baby going to have something wrong that could cause them not to be born alive. You don't think about these things because they could never happen to you or the loved ones you have...until they do.
Once they do happen it is all you think about. It is all you know. Anytime someone say i'm pregnant you want to tell them anything that could go wrong and tell them to prepare for the worst just in case. You are so worried that instead of just being happy you spend your time praying that God make this baby whole and healthy. This is where i am. This is what my anxiety is all about.
I am so scared because now i know how real the 1 in 10,000 or 1 in 2,000 statistic is. I know that just because it shouldn't statistically happen to you doesn't mean that it wont. It hit close to home and now it scares the hell outta me. It breaks my heart when i think about all the women i have met since who have had to say goodbye too soon to their babies. Kandy had to say goodbye to Ruby, Stacy had to say goodbye to Isaac, Angie had to say goodbye to Audrey! Those are just a few of the many! It scares the hell outta me that i could get what i want only to lose it!
So this is where i am! I am scared and nervous! I put it in God's hands to give me what he feels is right. If he gives me a happy healthy baby then i will take it and love it, and if he gives me a journey that he feels i need to take then i will accept that as well. I know that he knows what is best for me but it doesn't stop me from being scared and maybe it should but i have seen the heart ache and i don't want to feel that pain.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Tears
Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to sit and cry. With no real reason or no explanation except that you just feel the overwhelming desire building inside you like a volcano and if you don't just let it out you might explode. Today is one of those days for me.
I think it has been coming for awhile. There are a lot of things on my mind and dealing with stress has never been my strong suit. Today i woke up to my husbands work calling. They ask him to come in, i am assuming, because someone called off. Now i don't normally have a problem with this especially it being this close to Christmas. We need all the money we can get and overtime is more than welcome. Today was just not the day that i needed him to say yes and rush off to save the day. I needed him home with me and the kids to possibly save the day here. The bottom line is he didn't even ask me if i minded that he spent one of his 2 days off at work or if i had plans today, he just told them yes and left. Well not just left, we fought! Neither of us made out points. I was too hysterically crying to even make sense. I said somethings i didn't mean and now i am feeling even worse.
Being a stay at home mom is stressful. Awhile back i wrote a post about all the things i do titled My Yesterday. In it i ranted about my husband and talked about all the things i do day to day as a SAHM. I try not to bitch and i try not to complain and then i end up exploding over something that shouldn't have been that big of a deal. I just feel like he could have ask me if we needed to do stuff today or if maybe i had plans for us. In actuality i did have plans for us. We needed to go to the grocery store as i really don't have anything to feed the kids for lunch. I has also promised the kids that their daddy was off today and we would do something fun as a family. So now i am hungry and disappointed that i lied to my kids. Now maybe things would be different if he had just ask me if i minded or showed some concern for the fact that i seemed quiet upset but the fact of the matter is he did neither, and it hurts!
Adding to the stress and my emotions is my pregnancy/non pregnancy/weird body. I take a pregnancy test every month because i no longer have a period due to my IUD (i know TMI). This is what my doc told me to do so that i could be 100% that i am not preggers. SO for almost 3 years now, on the 1st of ever month, i take a pregnancy test. Every month it is negative. Now most women out there know that taking a pregnancy test can be fun or scary but for me it is agonizing. I hate it and i dread it every month. I want more kids and i think a part of me every month hopes that it will end up positive and the logical part of me tells me that it isn't good timing. So every month when it comes back negative it is a little stab to the heart of hope. I said all of that to say this.
I took a pregnancy test on the 5th i was behind a few days than normal on taking it. In the little box the line that shows up to tell you if you are or are not pregnant wasn't there all the way but there was part of a very very light pink line. Almost like it was saying you might be but I'm not telling. So now i have to wait a week and take another one just to see if it was a dud test or if i am pregnant. Now my mind reels at the thought that i might actually be pregnant. Hubby and i agreed to wait til our youngest son is potty trained before TTC again. Plus i have an IUD in and they say that the chance of miscarriage if they remove it is high but if you leave it in they don't know what damage it can do to the baby. It scares the holy poo out of me. I want a baby but not this way.
So there is my stress. On top of needing about a billion dollars to pay all the backed up bills and feed the family with, i might be pregnant and my hubby is working on his day off (which yes i know is the answer to the money problems). I just feel like i am going to go insane and there isn't a branch on the tree to cradle my fall.
I think it has been coming for awhile. There are a lot of things on my mind and dealing with stress has never been my strong suit. Today i woke up to my husbands work calling. They ask him to come in, i am assuming, because someone called off. Now i don't normally have a problem with this especially it being this close to Christmas. We need all the money we can get and overtime is more than welcome. Today was just not the day that i needed him to say yes and rush off to save the day. I needed him home with me and the kids to possibly save the day here. The bottom line is he didn't even ask me if i minded that he spent one of his 2 days off at work or if i had plans today, he just told them yes and left. Well not just left, we fought! Neither of us made out points. I was too hysterically crying to even make sense. I said somethings i didn't mean and now i am feeling even worse.
Being a stay at home mom is stressful. Awhile back i wrote a post about all the things i do titled My Yesterday. In it i ranted about my husband and talked about all the things i do day to day as a SAHM. I try not to bitch and i try not to complain and then i end up exploding over something that shouldn't have been that big of a deal. I just feel like he could have ask me if we needed to do stuff today or if maybe i had plans for us. In actuality i did have plans for us. We needed to go to the grocery store as i really don't have anything to feed the kids for lunch. I has also promised the kids that their daddy was off today and we would do something fun as a family. So now i am hungry and disappointed that i lied to my kids. Now maybe things would be different if he had just ask me if i minded or showed some concern for the fact that i seemed quiet upset but the fact of the matter is he did neither, and it hurts!
Adding to the stress and my emotions is my pregnancy/non pregnancy/weird body. I take a pregnancy test every month because i no longer have a period due to my IUD (i know TMI). This is what my doc told me to do so that i could be 100% that i am not preggers. SO for almost 3 years now, on the 1st of ever month, i take a pregnancy test. Every month it is negative. Now most women out there know that taking a pregnancy test can be fun or scary but for me it is agonizing. I hate it and i dread it every month. I want more kids and i think a part of me every month hopes that it will end up positive and the logical part of me tells me that it isn't good timing. So every month when it comes back negative it is a little stab to the heart of hope. I said all of that to say this.
I took a pregnancy test on the 5th i was behind a few days than normal on taking it. In the little box the line that shows up to tell you if you are or are not pregnant wasn't there all the way but there was part of a very very light pink line. Almost like it was saying you might be but I'm not telling. So now i have to wait a week and take another one just to see if it was a dud test or if i am pregnant. Now my mind reels at the thought that i might actually be pregnant. Hubby and i agreed to wait til our youngest son is potty trained before TTC again. Plus i have an IUD in and they say that the chance of miscarriage if they remove it is high but if you leave it in they don't know what damage it can do to the baby. It scares the holy poo out of me. I want a baby but not this way.
So there is my stress. On top of needing about a billion dollars to pay all the backed up bills and feed the family with, i might be pregnant and my hubby is working on his day off (which yes i know is the answer to the money problems). I just feel like i am going to go insane and there isn't a branch on the tree to cradle my fall.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
