The last few weeks (and the weeks to come) have been very hectic and stressful.
I posted on Facebook about a tic i was having in my eyebrow. It lasted for 4 days straight. It finally quieted itself as i relaxed on a beach with 3 of my best girlfriends.
Our move is coming up quickly (more quickly then i think i am prepared for). We have nothing done, or so it feels like.
Everything on the SC end is in order except for a job for mama. The packing for the move is happening, slowly, but none the less.
I have been snippy, hateful, and on edge for weeks. Trying to get everything done, organized, and packed.
Then yesterday, after we took a pool break and returned home, Sione made me take a time out.
He required my attention and was not taking no for an answer. So i begrudgingly gave it to him.
I let all 3 boys help with dinner. We had burgers. Sione seasoned the burgers, Phabian helped me put them in the hot frying pan, and MJ helped me place the cheese on all of them.
My husband worked a double yesterday (and the day before and so on), so i prepared the kids for bed alone. He is trying to work as many hours as he can so we wont feel stressed about money in the few weeks following our move. I understand, appreciate, and love him for that. It still doesnt make bedtime any easier.
I tucked the kids in, kissed them, and gave out hugs. The pool made for quick sleep for the 2 oldest (who tend to rise before the sun and no longer nap on a regular basis).
Sione however (or as always) was not to go down so easy. I sang our normal songs and we said prayer together like we always do. I was feeling drained, frustrated, and exhausted. I didnt want to fight with him.
Up, down, up, down, up, down, etc... Same song and dance as always!
I finally broke and yelled at him. Threatened to spank him if he didnt lay down and go to sleep. He cried. A heart breaking wail. My heart broke into a million pieces.
After he quieted he came into my room (again) and said, "Sing to me mama, pwease".
Defeated, exhausted, and broken i got up and went in his room. I laid him down in he little toddler bed and tucked his blanket around his little arms.
I sat down on the floor beside his bed and began to stroke his hair with my fingers. He smiled the most innocent smile at me and whispered, "Twinkle, mama".
I could see the sleepiness taking over as his eye lids began to get heavy and droop. I continued to stroke his hair as i sang all of our songs again.
And as he fell asleep under my touch, and i felt his little muscles relax and his little snore kick in, i said my own silent pray:
"God i know i have not been the best mother. I have yelled and screamed and threatened. I have lost my temper over small things, and ignored the things i couldnt manage to deal with at that moment. I have not given enough love and attention when they need it. But thank you for blessing me with these little miracles. And I pray that you bless me with another day to try harder to be the mom they deserve."
What i realized in the moment of brokeness as my littlest baby feel asleep under my soft song and gentle touch is that he forgives me. They forgive me! All the yelling and all the threats dont matter int he long run to them. I am their Mama and no matter what they love me for better or worse.
I sat in the floor by my babies' beds for awhile after that. I took in their little snores, their innocent faces, the fact that they were secure, safe, and comfortable. I must admit that i cried a little bit, and made the same vow i always make on days like this.
I will do better tomorrow. I will be better tomorrow. I will appreciate the little things more. I will let them hang on me. I will laugh with them instead of yell at them. I will hold them tighter, kiss them more, and tell them i love them often. I will sing that song over and over again because right now it is his favorite and 15 minutes isnt a long time in the big scheme of things. I will take the time to just stare at my babies. To memorizde their little faces and their little quirks.
Because they are growing up so fast.
They wont be my babies for much longer, even though in my heart they will always be my babies.
They wont want hugs and kisses and bedtime songs soon.
And i'm gunna miss this time when its gone.