Sunday, August 31, 2008
I clearly remember the day she went for her u/s. She called me hysterical telling me something was wrong. I went into panic mode. She wanted me there and i needed to be there with her. I burst into tears before i could even explain to Marcus what had happened. How could this be happening is all i could think about. As i made my way to the hospital i tried to hold my composure because it wasn't my job to cry it was my job to comfort her and help her.
I remember the doctors saying there wasn't anything they could do but wait and see or terminate and since terminate wasn't a choice we waited. There were ups and downs. It got better and it got worse. The doctor's were all surprised that Little Nadia made it as far as she did. It gave us all hope that maybe she would pull through the unthinkable situation.
I remember the call i got on that hot August day. Nadia was gone. Her little heart couldn't take it anymore and she had left us, but not without a fight. She fought as hard and as long as she could. Her little body just couldn't handle it anymore and she grew her wings that day.
I remember spending the 3 days in the large hospital room with Chelsie and friends and family. We tried to do as much as we could to help her through and make this as comfortable as possible. I still remember feeling so helpless. i am the one who always fixes the problems. I am the one who always makes it all better. This was out of my control. I couldn't fix it, i couldn't make it better, and it was killing me to not be able to stop the pain.
i remember seeing Nadia's beautiful face for the first time. She was truly an angel. So peaceful and calm. Her presence in that room, that day, was bigger than any one moment in any of our lives. Through the tears and the sniffles, for a brief moment in time. We had heaven here on earth with us. That little girl, unknowingly, would change all of our lives forever.
We are all better people now for knowing this littlest angel. She was a blessing to have if only for a little while. And this is to you Nadia as i hope my mom or God will read it to you. You are a blessing in my heart. It was a great pleasure to be a part of your all too short life. I miss you and your presence in our day to day lives, but i know that you will forever be looking over us until the day that we all get to see you again. If i could tell you anything it would be that you have a loving family who misses you everyday. Your mom and sisters will always hold you in there hearts and you will always be a great memory in their hearts and mine. As much as i wish we could hold you and kiss you and celebrate this day with you i know that God had a bigger purpose for you and that you are in good hands. You will never have to know the pain or suffering that life can sometimes deal and you will always be happy and smile as you play in heaven with the other children that were taken too soon from loving arms. Happy birthday angel Nadia and i hope that you have everything that you want on this beautiful angelversary.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Phabian will start his first day of school on Tuesday, September 2, 2008. He will attend the morning session from 8am to 11:30am. We had a meeting this morning with the program coordinator and we also got to meet his teachers Ms. Angie and Ms. Kim. It all seems very nice. As i was finishing doing my paper work i could hear then saying the Pledge of Allegiance and singing along to a stretching song. They sounded so happy and excited. I hope Phabian has just as much fun as those kids.
I have faint memories of my first day of Kindergarten (as i did not attend any type of pre-k). I remember walking in holding my mom's hand. I was not a shy kid but meeting all of these people for the first time was very shocking for me. My mom was a stay at home mom starting when i was about 4. I always went to work with my mom before that. She was a social worker for a assisted living home. I never knew anything but the world she had created for me. I remember how the class was set up. It was split off into 5 sections. There was the sink, bathroom, and backpack holder in the front of the room. On the right behind that was the chalk board on the left was the computer area. Behind that on the right was a story telling space and on the left of that was the play area. There was a kitchen and lots of blocks, magnets, and books. By the play part of the room there was a big green door that led to the outdoor playground in front of the school. There were two doors other than that in the class room. One led into the hallway and the other into the first grade class room. All the class rooms were connected by a thin wall and a wooden door. It was a small school but very close knit. My teachers name was Mrs. Winefordner. She to this day is still my favorite teacher i ever had. I can only hope Phabian enjoys this as much as i did as a kid.
The only thing we pay for is lunches which are based on your income so we shouldn't pay much if anything. Because it is part of the Kanawha County School System it is considered public free education. It is the best thing ever that my boy can start school and be ahead of his class all because they offer this great free program. I just know that it will be wonderful. As long as i keep telling myself its only 5 days a week 3 1/2 hours a day. It will all be ok.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
A close up of their smiling faces on the spaceship.
Phabian went directly to the tanker when we entered the Car ride.
Then we moved on to the bouncy blow up slide.
Phabian flipped down the slide over and over.
MJ rolled over and over and over lol.
Then they took Mommy for a ride (Driving Miss Courtney).
All aboard the bus for one last ride.
We had a blast. The kids laughed and had fun and Marcus and I had fun watching them. There is nothing like that first ride and catching the smile and waving as they fly past you. My boys are growing up to be so brave and so big. It is so bittersweet. I am glad we had this day together. It made my heart warm to see my family together having fun...not a worry in the world.
We are going to take the kids to the kids street carnival tonight. We have a little spare money and they always have lots of fun rides and the kids are finally old enough to ride them. They also have all the big blow up jumpers and slides that will be fun. I am going to take my camera and see if i can get some decent shots of them having a blast.
The weather isn't great. It is a little dreary (sp) and raining a little bit. Hopefully it will clear up enough to enjoy ourselves more. No matter i know the kids will have fun. I am hoping the tickets this year will be decent priced. Last year it was 20 tickets for 10$ and i am hoping for the same this year. That essentially will get both boys on about 5 rides. Most rides are 2 tickets a piece. Last year we played a few games and Phabian won a picture of a duck off the rubber ducky pull. The parade is Saturday at 11am but i doubt we will get to go since hubby has to work the Taste of Charleston (that is where all the restaurants in the area gather to show off their food). Fireworks are Sunday night and that will be fun. We will probably go to Chelsie's since we can see the fireworks from in front of her house. That way we don't have to fight traffic to get down town.
I really need this time with my family. Are days have been running together lately and it seems that each day is the same as the next. We need a night of fun on the town just hubby, kids, and I.
I will try to update later with pictures.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Ok let me try to make sense here. Marcus is off today and we had some stuff to get done on top if just needing to have a fun family day. Has that happened...uh...well...maybe...NO!
He got up this morning and was suppose to wake me up so he could go renew our car insurance and get the car inspected. Instead he waited til i got up which just so happened to be 8:30 when i heard Chelsie call. So left and Got back around 12:30. That already put us about an hour behind schedule. I wanted to get all the important stuff out of the way so that we could have a fun afternoon. When he got home his dad called and ask if he could take his sister to the Connect office in Chelyan (which is about a 45 mins drive there, probably a 2 hour wait and then 45 mins back). So he said yes of course instead of saying I'm sorry i have stuff i need to get done. So he left at about 1:50 and he is just now coming through the door.
I am so frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Phabian was so happy he couldnt stand it. He kept saying, "Look Mommy, look school clothes,". It then caused a huge problem when i told him he had to take them off so we could put them up til school starts but hey atleast he loves them.
So i got a huge break today and it was great. I havent had to yell at anyone, discipline anyone, or be bad mommy at all today. Just another adult in a restaurant with the rest of them. How gret is that?
Quiet time...yes if only it was what it says. Usually i lay them down and let them watch a movie or cartoons. About an hour after that i end up turning off the TV because instead of laying down being quiet watching the shows they run around (in there room) and talk loudly. After i turn off the TV i have to sing a song or be faced with more screaming a yelling. Eventually they will settle in a take what is never longer than an hour long nap. This is the time where i fix myself some lunch or i will not eat until dinner as my job is to feed them not myself (this isn't my thinking it is theirs).
After hey awake is when my days usually go insane. Yesterday it just so happened to be nothing but yelling and screaming and me losing my temper a lot. I know that everyone has those days but i hate them. That is not the mom i want to be nor do i like having to yell at my kids. It was just one thing after the other. Phabian all of a sudden has developed a screaming problem. Any time he does not get his way he screams at you. I mean really screams like an adult screaming at a child who just almost ran in front of a moving car. This has taken a toll on my nerves.
As most of you know or have read i have been sick for the past few days. I have not reached out for help from anyone as i really don't have anyone to ask for help. My dear mother in law works full time and just so happened didn't have a day off on the days that i happened to be sick. Other wise i she would have kept them for me. So i was at home trying to take care of my kids while i was falling apart and couldn't even hold my eyes open. Yes i know this is what you sign up for when you have kids. When you are mommy there is no break. It isn't like a job where you can just call off if you don't feel well, but it would be nice to have a little sympathy.
So this brings me to the close of my day yesterday. My DH (dear husband) got home from work about 5 yesterday and we had my nieces B-day party to go to so we started to get the kids ready. Well it was a fight. Phabian wanted to wear his brother's clothes which were too small and he kept fighting with me. Finally we got them both dressed and Phabian sat on the couch next to me to put his shoes on. He decided it was OK to kick his foot repeatedly into my side trying to get his shoe to go on. Needless to say after the day i had i snapped, screamed, and then Marcus was looking at me like i was nuts. I ask him why and he said because i was overreacting. Once again i lost it this time yelling at him. He still preceded to tell me that i was overreacting so i walked onto the porch full prepared to call Chelsie and leave. I wouldn't take it anymore.
So i couldn't get a hold of Chelsie so we left for the party. When we were preparing to leave my Brother's house my BIL(Brother in law) called and ask my DH if we could watch his kids tonight (Keely 10 and Kiana 5) so that him and his g/f could go to this party. With out asking me if it was ok DH said sure we will come pick them up in like 20 mins. Once again i was fully prepared to call Chelsie and spend the night at her house. Why would you not even ask me if it was ok after i have already had a break down yelling at you earlier. So my BIL's g/f actually ended up calling us back and saying never mind (which i was like thank God). Its not that i don't like their kids. I had just had enough of kids today and didn't want to deal with any kids at all not even mine.
So we get home and put the kids to bed and i call Chelsie and talk to her for a bit. Then we go to bed. Well as we were laying there talking about today i just broke down. I cried and told my husband how i felt and how badly i just needed a day to enjoy my kids instead of having to always be the bad guy. I compared it to him this way," If someone told you to eat your fave food everyday for 3 years would you not grow tired of it?" That's how i feel about my kids. I love them with all of my heart, but 3 years non stop has worn me down and i need to not be the bad guy one or two days a week. I need to be able to just enjoy my kids with out having to be the disciplinarian. I just want to be able to hug them and love them without being the one to have to be mean to them.
So apparently it sparked something in his head and today has been a great day so far. He let me sleep in till 10 and woke me up with a cup of coffee in hand. He had cleaned the Kitchen, Dinning Room, and Living Room with out help from me or without me even having to ask him to do it. He has done all the fussing at the kids this morning and i haven't once had to even say one bad thing to them. It is great. He has kissed and loved on me all morning and i am just in awe. This is the man i fell in love with. Caring, sensitive, and wonderful. I knew he was still in there somewhere. Now if i could only get this to be a once a week thing i might not have as many rants on here.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Marcus has worked evenings the last 2 nights and it has killed me. Why now am i sick when he has had to work evening shifts. The kids are so much worse in the evening than they are in the mornings. Especially like today when they didn't take a nap. But the good part is that it is 8:18pm and they are passed out lol.
I myself got up in horrendous pain at 9 am. Then i went back to bed at 11:30 and slept til 3:30pm. Hubby woke me up before he left for work since the kids weren't asleep. We had noodles and chicken sandwiches for dinner cause that's all the energy i had to fix.
Well that is all for today. My kiddos are asleep so i am going to take a hot shower and then go to bed. I am so tired. You know the sick tired where you cant keep your eyes open much less do anything with a purpose lol. I am lucky i got this blog out in a way anyone can understand it.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Maybe my body has been telling me for the past 2 days to slow down. I haven't cleaned my house like i needed to even though i planned on doing so for the past 2 days. I just have felt blah and maybe it was this sickness coming on. I hate when i feel like this because it interferes with me doing what i need to do. My mind wonders and i cant seem to focus on anything. Grrrr it just aggravates me.
On to more pleasant things. I dabbled in Photography all summer. I am by far not the most brilliant photographer that's for sure. i cant photograph anything that is moving. I don't have the right camera or the steady and quick reflexes. But i guess i do a decent job with still photography (i think that's what its called but I'm not sure). I love to photograph flowers, food, and anything that will hold still for a few mins. I recently got a few good shots of a praying mantis. I will share a few.
I know they aren't great but for using a regular digi camera and my lack of skill i think they are great. I always loved the beauty of nature. I don't like bugs and i was pretty far away when i took these pictures but it all turned out ok since the zoom on my camera works pretty well. The flowers at the top are also a picture that i took and altered the color to a more pale look with the programs that came with my computer (which are just basic and not very good). I wish i could work Photoshop but i never could figure it out lol.
I try to take pictures of the kids and here are some of my best artistic shots of them.
One again not great but the best i can do with the camera and programs i have. I really wish i head a better camera and knew how to work a better program but maybe one day i will. As for now i will be satisfied with what i have. Phabian is my big camera hog. MJ is just not interested in the camera which sometimes yields the better pictures as i can get him in more intimate moments. Phabian always wants to be right in the camera which means i have a lot of face shots and not a lot of personal time shots of him just doing something. With time i will get better though and you learn a lesson from every shot you take i guess.
So i am going to go and try to get on with my day. Pedi's office gets back from lunch at 1 so we will leave then to get the papers and what not. I hope i feel better as the day goes on. Excuse my rambling and off topicness.
Monday, August 18, 2008
And this is Phabian now:
Now as i looked at these pictures i just stopped and tried to remember him as a baby. I found the memories so vivid and i relished in the fact he has gotten so smart and so big. At the same time i wondered how it is possible that my first born has gotten to be such a little man. When did this happen and how? I don't remember how we got here or when he grew up so fast.
MJ is also growing so so fast. He isn't my baby anymore. He still is a big mama's boy but he doesn't want to be as close anymore. He no longer wants as much cuddle time and he no longer insists on laying with me on the couch for a short nap. I miss it and i want it back *pout*.
Sometimes i wish i could just turn back time for a few moments and enjoy it more. I think as mom's sometimes we want them to hurry up and grow up and do this and walk and talk, and we don't just enjoy the time we have with them when they are small and want to cuddle with us. I miss my babies wanting to cuddle with me. I miss them snuggling their little head into my chest. I miss holding them while i fed them a bottle.
I think this is partly why i am so ready to have another one. I think about it and i don't know if i am ready for another one. No let me resay that you are never ready for another one but i don't think it is the right time to add to our family. I am just so missing the baby days.
- Peanut Butter
- Jelly (Any kind of fruit)
- Thick Sliced Bread (regular will do but makes it harder)
- Pancake Batter
- Large Fryer filled with about 5 cups of oil (or if you have a fryer machine to fill line)
You start out making PB&J sandwiches just as you normally would. Then you set those aside and mix about 3 cups of pancake batter (more if you are fixing more than 4 sandwiches). Dip the whole sandwich into the batter and immediately move to hot oil. Fry for about 6 mins flipping once in the middle (or til golden brown). Slice in half or fours and this is what you get.
Warning: This is very gooey and messy...eat with caution lol!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Ok so the kids are napping and hubby is sleeping on the couch, so i though i would take a few just to write about what ever comes to mind. I am off to Chelsie's baby shower here in a few. I am sure she will get lots of nice stuff. Makes me want another one even more lol. Baby showers are always so fun. A party about life and joy. Plus it is always just fun to get together with friends and have fun conversation and play child like games.
I really haven't been in the best of moods lately. I don't really know why i just haven't been feeling like myself. I am usually very talkative and fun but here lately i have just been very anti-social and BLAH. I think i really need to get out of the house more. We have been taking the kids to the park every evening after Marcus gets off work. Its started as us going to watch Chelsie's SD(step daughter) Jaylain during cheer practice but now it is more of a way to get me out of the house and the kids time to play and socialize. It helps a lot with my depression as most doctors say the sun is a natural anti-depressant. I just need to try and socialize some more. Maybe meet some people that i don't know and have a conversation. I am too safe. I need to push my own boundaries.
I have been thinking about my mom a lot lately. Maybe that is another reason i have been so down. I miss her so much everyday. Sometime i just wish i could call her up and talk to her. I wish i could hug her and tell her how much i love her. Most of all i wish she could see and play with my kids. If i could have my mom back for one day it wouldn't be about me. As much as i miss her i would get my hug and kiss and then step back to let her be with her grand babies. I know she would have loved them to the point of no return. She was the most amazing woman i have ever met. There wasn't anything she wouldn't do to make someone else's life a little better. She was also very crafty which is something i am not. She could make a sculpture out of nothing. Just some twine, ribbon, and a hot glue gun and there it was. A beautiful creation made with love. I wish i had that ability.
I read an email this morning that Chelsie wrote about her Angel Nadia. It still breaks my heart the pain that she went through. I miss her very much and i know in my heart that she is in heaven with my mom. We always joked with my mom that when she passed she would be the one to rock the babies in heaven. So i imagine her in a golden rocking chair with angelic music playing just rocking and singing to little Nadia. He Angelversary is coming soon. It is hard to believe she left us almost a year ago. Its also hard to understand how we can love someone so much that we only knew such a short time.
Well i guess i am going to have to stop this short since the boys just got up and i need to fix them lunch before i head off with Chelsie. Good bye for now.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
This is the after shot. I disturbed the silence by forgetting to turn the flash off. Oh well it was worth it.
My name is Courtney Dawn (Anderson) Dawkins. I was born February 9, 1986 in South Charleston, WV at Thomas Memorial Hospital. I was raised in Charleston, WV my whole life. When i was 15 my mom passed away of a highly malignant brain tumor. It was and is still a very hard thing for me to deal with. I miss my mother very much. More so now that i have a family of my own. I wish she was here to advise me like other mothers do with unsolicited advice on how to keep my home in order and raise my kids.
In December of 2003 I met my DH(Dear Husband) Marcus. We didn't start dating til June 5 2004 (which may i say is a point of contention with us because i believe it was the 10th lol). Shortly after starting to date we found out i was pregnant with our first child. We decided we wanted to get married so my aunts decided they wanted to pay for it. We traveled to Tampa, FL where my aunts lived and were married on November 14, 2004 in a small ceremony in my Aunt's sun room. It was the best decision of my life. We honeymooned at the Clearwater Beach and it was the start of something great.
On March 9, 2005 at 2:51pm we delivered our first son Phabian Ma'Ky Dawkins at Woman's and Children's Hospital in Charleston, WV. It was one of the most amazing day of my life. He weighted 5lbs 10ozs and was 18 1/2ins long. He had a head full of dark brown hair and the most beautiful blue eyes i had ever seen. learning to be a mommy for the first time without the guidance of my own mother has to be one of the hardest things i have ever done. I spiraled into PPD(Post Partum Depression). I took me months to admit to my friends and family that i had a problem and it took a lot of love and support to bring me out of the dark spot i was in. Phabian is now 3 and starting school in a few weeks. I don't know where the time went and how my first born grew so big but i miss those days of cuddles and snuggles and holding my baby all day. He is becoming quiet the brilliant young man and i love him more than anything could express.
In August of 05 we found i out that i was expecting our 2nd bundle of joy and on April 14, 2006 at 10:01pm we welcomed Marcus Eugene Dawkins Jr (or MJ as we call him) to our family. He weighted 6lbs 2ozs and was 18 3/4ins long. He had only a small bit of reddish blond hair and very dark brown eyes. Yet another amazing day in my wonderful life. I managed to get past with no depression that time and was so thankful for my blessings. MJ is now 2 and growing so fast. Once again i find myself asking where the time went so fast. We have one more year til he starts school and i just wont know what to do with both my boys in school and me with an empty nest.
We do plan on adding to our family but not until both boys are in school. I would love to have a little girl to add to the bunch but worry that i wouldn't know what to do with a girl after having my rambunctious boys. I am somehow sure she would end us being a tomboy anyways as i was and she would have 2 older brother to look up to.
So there it is. An intro to my chaotic life. You can imagine what my days are like for now. And i hope to be able to update you all as often as possible. I just hope that my rant, raves, vents, and rattles don't out weigh all the great moments i have with my boys on a day to day basis.