Last Time/Day 1

Ok so i had my last cigarette at 11pm last night. So far this morning i am doing ok. I am not ready to kill anyone i am not losing my mind and i am not screaming. I am a little antsy and i am feeling the need to eat something. It is the hand/mouth addiction. I am so use to having something going from my hand to my mouth that food is the only other option in my brain. Of course i dont wanna gain 50 lbs while i am quitting so eating is not an option. I have thought about suckers since that would help the hand to mouth but i dont if anything at this point will really actally help besides time.

What is really hard is that my body associates everything with smoking. I am sitting at the computer and sipping coffee and my body is screaming, "where the f**k is my cigarette you b***h"! I am so use to my morning routine. I get up have a cigarette while i wait on my coffee to brew, go to the bathroom, get a cup of coffee, if i have finished that cigarette light another. It is a never ending cycle.

I am so scared to fail. I did everything that the American Lung Association tells you to do. I set a date (today), i rid my whol ehouse of anything pretaining to cigarettes or smoking, and i told all my friends and family (including you guys here in bloggyland) so that it wouldnt be easy to back out on my attempt. So for now i am on the right track. I am doing ok. Surprisingly ok!!!!

Trick or Treat

So here is some pictures from tonight. They had a blast and got lots and lots of goodies. Phabian and MJ were doctors and Chelsie's (Daytime Drama of Mine) girls Jayden and Jaylain were a Fairy Princess and a Cat! WE had fun but man am i exhausted.

Wordless Wednesday

So as i said in a previous post, when my husband is not home i walk Phabian to school. On our way their are a bunch of huge Oak trees. So today i snapped a few shots. Fall is so beautiful!

I love this one especially since you can see the small Church in the corner!

I never said my photography was good lol!

Last but not least my fave shot today!

Smoking

I wish i was saying that in a literal reference to my body or something but i am not i am talking about a cancer stick.

I started smoking socially when i was about 12 and then full on addiction smoking by the time i was 15. I have tried to quit smoking a million times. I smoked through both of my pregnancies (i did cut down and yes i know that it isn't enough and yes i feel terrible about it so i don't need anyone else to tear me down about it thank you very much) and i can't tell you how it makes me feel to know that i could have contributed to my children having asthma among other things. It is a horrible habit and expensive. On average i spend about $85 dollars every 2 weeks on cigarettes. My breathe stinks, i cant breathe, my clothes smell, i cough and hack, my house has the odor of an ash tray, my kids cough a lot and get colds, and i am killing myself slowly!

When i was laying in bed the other night thinking about all the bills we have due and how the heck we were going to scrape up the money to pay them i realized i am a selfish person. Here we are struggling pay check to pay check and i have the nerve to spend $85 dollars out of every paycheck on a selfish habit that benefits no one! What is wrong with me, seriously??? I know that all addictions are hard to break but i am so ready to be done with this one!!!

Another reason i want to quit is that my husband and i have been discussing having another child. We would like to start trying some time next year once we get MJ potty trained. He will be starting school in the fall and we think it is a perfect time to have another baby. I don't want to smoke through this pregnancy. I want to quit and be healthy so that my last pregnancy can be healthy and happy. I don't want people to be able to look at me crazy when i am standing outside smoking with a belly the size of Egypt. I want all my kids to be able to breathe inside their home without having to have their lungs filled with 2nd hand smoke. I want to not be selfish, and i want that $85 dollars a week to spend of groceries or something that benefits my whole family.

I have 4 and 1/2 packs of cigarettes left and when they are gone they are gone. I wont buy anymore and i have already informed everyone to not buy me or support my habit in any ways. If i ask for a cigarette tell me no! If i ask you for a hit tell me no! I am going to be done with this. I am 22 and have a whole life to live, kids to grow up with, and hopefully one day grand kids to love. I don't want to die early because i made a stupid decision in my life and more than that i don't want to hurt my family because of my dumbness.

Now with this all said i will probably be a (excuse the language) bitch for awhile. There will be a lot of bitchy blogs and i will probably post a lot of short blogs pertaining to how bad i want a cigarette. Please those of you who read my blog support me and bare with me. Leave me comments and let me know that i am doing the right thing. Let me know that i am strong and i can do this. I know this sounds so over dramatic but those of you who smoke know the control that it has over your life. I go to bed thinking do i have enough cigarettes to last all day tomorrow, do i have a lighter, when do i need to buy more?!? It is a ridiculous pattern and i want it to end. So i am asking for support and kind words.

I will post letting you know when i am out and when the smokeless house begins. It wont be long now.!

No Good Topic

As stated somewhat about i don't, or have not though of, a good topic to write about in days. If anyone has any ideas please feel free to leave a comment and i will use it. It is like my mind has went blank. There for weeks i was writing everyday and every night i would lay down and not be able to stop thinking about things i wanted to write about. I should have written them down cause now my mind is blank lol. So i will leave you with some pictures and short captions!

So we have these 3 huge walnut trees in my back yard! And Phabian love to gather the walnuts and stack them in piles.

Which i don't so much mind since they are everywhere!

But his favorite place to pile them:Under the trampoline.

MJ however is my cleaner buddy! He enjoys putting on his work gloves and putting his elbow in the grease!

If only the gloves actually fit lol!

Sunday Dinner

My Sundays have always, through out my life, contained a large meal around 1pm. As a child they were cooked by my Maw-Maw Shawver. Every Sunday i could already tell you before we got there what we were going to have. The meal usually went something like this: Some sort of roast slow cooked since 6am, fresh green beans strung and cooked that day with bacon or a ham hock, mashed potatoes that never came from a box, those yummy hot dinner rolls that make your mouth water when filled with lots of yellow butter, fresh carrots peeled, cut and cooked with a little honey to accent their natural sweetness, a delicious gravy made from the juice and drippings of the roast, and always some home made dessert like apple pie or peach cobbler with ice cream if you wished. This is what my Sundays were filled with. I remember you could smell it as soon as you exited the car. It was dancing in the air enticing you to come in and sit down. Still to this day their is nothing more calming to me than the smell of a roast in the oven.

After my Maw-Maw Shawver died November 23, 2000 my mom tried to continue cooking Sunday dinner for us. This is when we began to notice she was ill. My mom who was always an excellent chef, never making anything out of a box or can (unless she was the one who canned it) began to burn things and half do them. So i and my Aunt took over as much as we could. My mom passed about 6 months later. After that Sunday dinner, for the most part, came to a halt. I was 15 and the thought of sitting down to a big dinner with no one there but my aunt, my dad, and me was too painful. So we just stopped except for holidays and a few special occasions.

Fast forward to when i married my husband. His family has Sunday dinner. Not every Sunday but when everyone is off and we all can make it there we go for it. It is wonderful to be back in that loving friendly environment. Where food all brings us together as humans and family. It is our one common unity in this world. We all have to eat! Black, White, Yellow, Red, Purple, Brown, Girl, Boy, Young and Old, we all have to eat to survive. It is nice to be back to having that unity on Sundays. It isn't like the old Sundays i had as a kid where it is always the same thing, but it family gathered around to talk, laugh, and enjoy each other's presence.

I myself have tried to start cooking a nice Sunday dinner on the Sundays when we are not at my In-laws home. I try to make it a dinner that we all like but rarely get to have. I just love showing my kids what this is about. I want them to see what family is and how it works. I think that is what Sunday has always been about to me. Not necessarily food or cooking but what the food does and what it represents. It unites us and shows us how to be together and thank God for each member of our family and the days we get to share together. This is a tradition i want passed down to my kids and to my grand kids. So what were your Sundays like?

Get It Read

I got this from my friend over at Happy Family. It is the Top 100 Books from The Big Read Project. They are trying to reintroduce America to reading. It is a great project as i don't think many of us read as much as we should. So i am going to post the list and bold the ones i have read (about 11 out of 100). I want to challenge myself to read as many books on this list as i can. I will update as i read them so you will know if i do. Now i just need to renew my library card (that is sad right).

Top 100 Books
1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With the Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37.The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz
57 A Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On the Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

The Big Read estimates that the average adult has only read about 6 out of 100 of these books. I guess i am a little above average but sad enough most of the ones i read were in my teen years and was made to read the by a teacher. I really do love to read. I think i just have not given myself the time. Like many adults i have indulged myself in the TV instead of a book. Why read the book when you can watch the movie, right? Wrong...but i didn't realize this until i read The Da Vinci Code and couldn't put it down. Then i saw the movie and was so disappointed that it was not as exciting as the book. Now i find myself saying i don't want to see that movie yet because i have not read the book. Sadly i think a lot of people have not read these books because i notice that most of these on the list have been made into movies. Now i am not saying that all books are better than the movie but why chance it. Read the book and them watch the movie. Note the differences and use your imagination to develop the characters. I know it was very fun for me while reading The Da Vinci Code. So i challenge you guys to do what i have done here. Tell me how many of these you have read and then try to read them all. Keep track of it in your blog or hey if you don't wanna share with all write it down in your own personal journal. Just get out and read.

Parent/Teacher Meeting

So please bare with me as i spend the next however long bragging about my child.

We had Phabian's very first parent/teacher meeting today. We dropped the kids off at Granny's house and walked over to the school. We met alone (which was great) with both his teacher Ms. Kim and the teacher's aid Ms. Angie. The meeting started at 10:30 and lasted till 12. I didn't expect it to last that long but it was great. They answered all my questions and filled me in on what all goes on in the class during the day. She told me that Phabian is such a great student and loves to ask lots of questions and listens equally well. He is always very patient and plays well with the other kids. He shares well and always asks for help if he needs it. For awhile i thought she was describing the wrong kid because the kid she was talking about was not the kid who was probably at that moment ransacking his Granny's house.

I thought it was the wrong kid until she started to tell me about their testing process. They are required to test the kids twice a year to see what level they are on and what they should work on with them. She showed me the test book that they use and explained how they proceed giving a 3 year old a rather lengthy quiz of his knowledge. I must say i was impressed with how they turn it into a game for the kids to make it more fun. So she them gave me a big smile and showed me the results. Phabian is 3y and 7 m old. As of the 21st this is how he ranks: In Motor Skills he scored on a 4y and 2 m old level, in Language he scored on a 4y and 1m old level, and in Academic he scored on (and she said this is rare which shocked me) 3y and 8m old level. Now avoiding the fact that he is average on the academic while advance in everything else i ask how is that rare. She said that most kids his age come in slightly lower than their age (but still in the average range) in the academic portion.

So here is where they bragging comes in. My baby, my first born is above average. He is intelligent and has good people skills. They even said he has a great sense of humor! This makes me ecstatic!!! It validates that i am doing something right as a mom. For all the time that i have beat myself up and tore myself down over things i could have done better, i am doing a great job. My son is smart, well rounded, funny, and plays well with others. I, as a mother, could not be more proud not only of my son but also of myself. It is so bittersweet that my baby is in school but gosh darn it he is doing so good. He is learning so much everyday and growing into such a swell kid right before my eyes.

Ok i have to stop before I start crying again. yes i already cried once today about this. It just makes me so darn proud! Thanks for baring with me on this bragging mommy moment.

Wordless Wednesday

Don't really have much to say today so i thought i would give WW a try. This is a shot i took yesterday of the Walnut tree in my back yard and the sky! Beautiful!!!!

What's Up With That?

So i am going to go on a rant, so bare with me here.

I want to be a healthy. I really do want to eat organic foods and exercise everyday. I would love to lose about 30 to 40 lbs and be in the shape i was in pre-kids. I want all these things desperately, but what no one tells you is that these things are sometime (if not always) the most difficult things you will do.

It is hard enough to find a balance between cleaning house, balancing the check book, paying the bills, chasing the kids, and time for myself to relax. When you add on trying too cook a healthy meal made entirely of organic healthy foods and 30 mins a day to exercise you have completely thrown me into a melt down. Now are these the only problems i have with this situation...NO!

Why is it that the whole country has their panties in a bunch about the obesity crisis (i don't mean for that to sound like i am making light of it because i know it is a serious epidemic), but it is still cheaper to buy a double cheese burger than an organic head of lettuce? I can buy canned foods for 1/2 the price of fresh fruits and veggies and yes they are not as nutritious but they are what fit in my budget. Times are hard and trying to make a meal from scratch is getting to be more expensive.

I long for the days where my mom use to fix fat filled, high calorie meals that filled our tummies. Yes they probably were not the most healthy but they filled us up and made us fill happy. How is it that our grandparents and our parents and even some of us grew up eating these high fat, high calorie, high sodium meals and we are still alive and kicking and in a lot of cases healthier than our children? When did it become necessary to eat nothing but lettuce and organic to not die when you are 40? Their are people living way past their hundreds now and not because they ate right everyday but because technology has expanded the ability for us to fix problems. My grandma didn't die because she ate fried chicken and greens she died because she smoked for 60 years. WTF? (BTW i am not saying that it isn't important to eat healthy because i know it is but geesh!)

I think i have the solution to the obesity epidemic in America. Lower the price of an apple to the price of a cheese burger and the raise the tax on fast food to make it too expensive for Plumber Joe (sorry couldn't help but through that in). If you cant afford it you wont buy it. I don't buy organic because i can't afford it. i am 22 years old and i ate fried foods, fatty steaks, and sloppy joe's growing up. I am relatively healthy. I don't think an organic veggie (unless you count what we grew in our own garden) ever crossed my plate as a kid. Please tell me i am not alone in this. Please tell me i am not the only mommy in the world who wants to do this but cant afford it.

As for the exercise...i really don't have time. i know that isn't an excuse but by the time i get the kid sin bed at night and collapse on the couch i don't want to move much less get up and do crunches or jumping jacks. So walk my kid to school everyday. Its about 6 block one way. I do this twice a day. 24 blocks a day 5 days a week. It is something, and a lot more than i am use to hence the sore muscles i have attached to my back side. I just wish i had more time. God can we please add about 4 extra hours in a day??? Wait...no...that wont work...then i would probably try to catch up on sleep or chase my kids even more!!!

I cant win!

My Dear Sweet Phabian

So it has been a ruff week for my big boy Phabian. He has been having a hard time with school. I think it is caused by the fact that they go year round. They go for 9 weeks at a time and are out for 3 weeks at a time. Now i know they say this is an attempt to help kids remember more and forget less but it is very confusing for a child at age 3. I think he went for the first 2 weeks then they left on break and he thought,"ok i went to school its done now". Oh my poor child if you had only know that your excitement about school needed to last about another 20 years.

It all started the 4th day back from break. It was a normal Friday as always. They were learning about the letter F and playing outside as long as the good weather lasted. He threw a rock while they were outside playing. Now every Friday they get (if they have been good all week) a treasure out of the treasure box. This so called box contains both toys and candy. Because he threw the rock he didn't get any treasure. He was so upset and cried. The next school day he seemed fine, but lone an behold when we went to pick him up he was crying. They had been learning about Fire Safety and they used a puppet. Well apparently one of the other kids was playing with it and made a gesture at Phabian like the puppet was going to get him. He was petrified. Now it is a fight every morning. When we approach the school he starts in with i don't wanna go. Then once we get inside he screams bloody murder. When we pick him up the report is always the same,"He cried for a few minutes and then he was fine".

Now this is very hard for both of us. As a mommy i want to run back in and grab him and hold him till he is ok, or run home with him in my arms. I hate that he is sad. It is the policy of the school that you allow your kids to get through these times by leaving them there and allowing them to gain trust in the teacher by allowing her to console him. I wouldn't have a problem with this if i didn't feel like he is somehow losing trust in me. I feel like i am the one who is suppose to help him through this and i am the one who is suppose to console him. It is frustrating. He is doing better though. Day by day the time that he cries is getting less and less. Yesterday it was 2 minutes and today it was only 1 and he is no longer in tears when we pick him up either. I hope it passes soon. He is such a big boy and i just don't want him to feel like mommy has somehow abandoned him to fend for himself.

So i guess that is my rant for today. My big boy is getting to big and growing even faster now. Each day that passes i see my first born growing into a well mannered, intelligent, all be it rowdy young man. Soon he will be playing little league sports and i will be cheering him on in the stands. Soon he will move from the comfort of his small school with 12 students to a big school with lots of kids. My baby is growing and all i can do is sit here and wonder where the heck time went to and why i didn't notice it was flying by.

Oh yes and Phabian's word of the month: Steep (ie: "Mama we can't climb that hill cause it's steep!!!")

and some pictures to end with.

Silly Face

Pout Face

Happy Face

Surprised Face

Girly Girl

This title does not describe me to a T. I have my moments where i like to dress in my skirts and high heels but for the most part i like to be comfortable. I like my jeans and hoodie. On an average day you will find me in a pair of jogging type pants or gauchos and a beater or if it is cold out a pair of jeans and a hoodie as previously mentioned. I do the comfort thing not the fashion thing.

Now i have not always been this way. At some point in my teen years where i was one of the popular girls (mostly 5th through 8th and i was not a "mean girl") i allowed myself to dive head first into the "pain is beauty" mantra. I was a cheerleader most of my life (from age 7 to 15) so i was use to the short skirts and belly shirt look. I never did find it comfortable but rather what a girl is suppose to wear. I never liked shopping much. Yes i like to buy new things but not in the "girly girl" section. i am just more of a cowgirl or tomboy i guess.

In a way i have always been this way. I grew up with a brother who was 13 years older than me and a male cousin who was 15 years older than me. As a matter of fact all my older cousins and most of my younger ones were boys. I only had one 2 female cousins for the first 11 years of my life. I never had much interest in anything they did. I preferred the toy trucks and digging in the mud. We had a creek by my church and on Sunday mornings me and the boys would all go play in the creek and hunt for crawdads (yes i was country). This has carried on most of my life. There is just a part of me that is more content playing in mud then putting on makeup.

It was often a fight to get me in a dress as a child. I love the frilly dresses, i really did, i just hated wearing them. I would have rather looked at them. I called them Vanna White dresses. I did however love fur coats. As a child it was my obsession. I always wanted a fur coat (and got one) every winter. I don't really know if that is a girl thing or just an odd obsession with animals.

I have always loved sports (minus baseball). I enjoy sitting down and watching the football game (speaking of i need to look and see who is playing today). Football is by far my favorite and not for the same reasons as some girls. It isn't just because i like to look at their butts or what ever the reason. I just enjoy watching. I tell my husband all the time that he is very luck to have a wife that enjoy watching sports. He doesn't really understand that some women don't enjoy it (his whole family runs the local little league in a way (Sisters and nieces coach the cheerleaders and brothers, dad, and uncle coach football)).

So i guess what i am saying is that i am a tomboy. I am a girl who doesn't mind getting dirty and having a poker game or football party at my house. I have never been one to don makeup, high heels, and a dress just to go to the store and likely never will. I like being me and it suits my husband and 2 little boys just fine.

Addicted

Hi, my name is Courtney and i am addicted to blogs!

Yes you heard that right. I am a blog addict. Not just addicted to reading blogs but to writing them. I constantly will have a thought roll through my head and think "oh that would make a great topic to blog about". At this moment (and i say that cause it changes at least once a day) i have 32 blogs that i read daily. I know what you are thinking!!! How in the world do i find the time to read that many blogs when i have a 2 and 3 year old running around my house? Well this is how. I have a morning routine. I wake up when the kids get up around 7 or 8. We eat some kind of yummy breakfast. While they are eating i sit at the computer and sip my coffee as i check my e-mail. When i am done checking e-mail and MySpace i start on my blog list. By this time the kids are done eating. This is usually when i entertain them with a little TV lol. Playhouse Disney makes a wonderful 30 min babysitter when needed. So as they sit watching TV quietly (yea right they don't do anything quietly) i read as many blogs as i can (usually about 10 or so). After that most of the other blogs get read between nap time and then after the kids go to bed.

My day is totally not complete til i have read all my blogs and posted in mine. Now i am fairly new to blogging. I just started this blog in August, but i have always "blogged" somewhere since at least 2000. I use to have a live journal for years. Then when i found MySpace i started writing there instead. With so many of my friends in my Yahoo Parenting Group having blogs that i read i decided i needed one. That brings me to here and my addiction. I have to read and write. I find it so amazing to read the thoughts and lives of others. Maybe because a lot of them sound so similar to my life and make me realize i am not the only one feeling a certain way, or maybe because some of them are so polar opposite of my life and give me new perspectives of life. Either way i love reading and writing. I love getting to know all these people and letting them get to know me.

I will ask now that you all feed into my love of blogs (aka addiction) and send as many people my way as you can. Tell them to come read my posts and leave comments. I am sure no matter their background or writing style that i will add them to my list of blogs and i will fall in love with them as a bloggy friend. So send then my way. I am just a mother of 2 boys and wife, who happens to be a lover of blogs and people.

Prayers Needed

Hi everyone! I am requesting thought, prayers, or what ever it is you believe for Ramblings of a Redneck Woman. I do not know them personally but have been following there blog. She is having a very complicated pregnancy and needs prayers. Pls go over and let her know you are supporting her.

Meet the Testers

I made a new cake today. Playing around with some new flavors. This is a Triple Chocolate Fudge Cake with Raspberry Jam filling and Cocoa Buttercream. I think for still not having a real spatula and turn table i am doing pretty damn good lol. If anyone wants a more detailed recipe just ask!

And now for the Testers. Thank God i have 2 of the best taste testers in the world. Phabian told me that i am the "best cake makerer in the whole world". Ahhhh the sweet incouragement of a bias child.

My Religion

(Note: I know this is a touchy subject and that is why i am covering it. I am not trying to be controversial or start a fight. To each their own when it comes to this subject. I just ask that you keep the angry comments to yourself. I have no problem with people with different opinions i just have a problem with the way that some people express them.)

First may i say that every ones religion is just that: THEIRS! I am a believer that each person's religion is unique even if they consider themselves part of an organized religion. We each talk to OUR God in our OWN unique way. With that said i will give you a little history on my religious background.

I started going to church when i was just a newborn. As a family we always went to a Non-denominational church. I had several preachers that i considered family. They were close to us and we loved them. The churches i attended were always like families. We all knew each other and we often got together for other occasions outside of church walls. I have went to both big and small churches. I have also spent time with friends (that had different religions) at their churches. Each may have practiced their religion differently but they all have one thing in common. They each depend on their faith to get them through life and what ever may come after.

I remember Sunday's the best. Sunday morning was always a scramble in my house. Up at 5 (as always) my mom would cook a small breakfast for us to have before we left. This usually resulted in us being late as we never got up on time and never out the door more than 5 minutes late lol. Once at church we would sing an array of songs and listen to the sermon of the day. I always enjoyed hearing what the preacher had to say and i never enjoyed the children's classes as much as i did the adult. I loved to hear my mom lead the church in song. Two of my favorites will always be "The Old Rugged Cross" and "Amazing Grace". I clearly remember my mom singing those which contributes to those being my favorites.

I remember after church going to my Grandma's house for Sunday dinner. There was always some kind of Beef Roast with Veggies (usually dried out because my Grandma in her old age would forget and put it in too early) and an array of sides. When i think of Sunday dinner i always think of the smell of buttered rolls and cooked roast as well as long naps on the couch afterwards. After we left there we would usually head home to change and then back to church for evening service. I continued this routine till i was 14 when my Grandma died (followed by my mom 6 months later) and my mom had her first heart attack.

When my mom died (i was 15) i turned my back completely on religion. So did my father, who for as long as i could remember was always very religious. I could not understand how a compassionate, loving God that i had learned about could cause such pain to a family that had done nothing but worship him. I didn't understand how God could take a 15 year old girl's mother from her leaving her with a father who had no clue how to function without his wife. I didn't understand how the God i had learned about could be so merciless as i cried out to him to help save my mother. I for the next 3 years would rebel and do anything to push away from God, religion, and my father.

When i became pregnant with Phabian i found God again. But not in the way that most would think. I do not clam to be Catholic, Protestant, Baptist, or any other named religion. I think the best thing that can describe me is Henotheistic. For those who do not understand or know what this is i will explain.

Henotheism is the belief in one God without denying the existence of others. This is where the belief that everyone worships in their own unique way comes in. Although i am not necessarily saying that there is more than one God, i am saying that i believe that God is an all knowing, all loving being. With that definition you can call him what ever you want. He has many names and many stories but who actually knows what is right. No one knows until they are dead. I believe that God is, understood as, Life, Truth, Love, Mind, Soul, Spirit, Principle. He/She is kind, loving, merciful, honest, peaceful, and everything else that you could possibly imagine. He/She is good and listens to us even if he/she doesn't give us the answers we seek. I believe that nature is a part of God. When you feel the wind blow or hear the thunder that is God.

Now with that said i do not believe that if i do not go to church and worship God will deny me what ever comes after this life. I also do not believe that my God hates anyone. I believe that he/she loves us all equally and is tolerant of our mistakes just as we tolerate our own children's mistakes and help then to see what is right. I think that he/she will decide all of our fates. I do not believe that we are just here on earth wondering around with no sense of purpose. I think we all have a mission or deed that we were placed in this world to accomplish. Now what that is can vary and it is our job to seek out our path. It is God's job to place us on the right path should we get lost.

The God i just described is the God that i cherish. He/She is the God that i pray to and thank. He/She is the God that protects my family and guides me through my days. He/She is not an angry God. He/She is not going to strike us all down if we don't get it right. This God that i believe in could go by many names. A matter of fact he/she does. God comes in many religions and many forms. In some religions he/she has 8 arms and is bright blue, in other he/she is short, fat, and bald. Like i said, we all worship different, we all believe different, even if we go to the same church. I love my God because he has blessed me with 2 beautiful boys and a wonderful husband. He showed me that i am not alone in this world. He has paved a path to great friends and wonderful places. He has given me the ability to feel ok with my life and accept that things happen as a bigger plan.

Maybe if my mom had not passed away i would have never went on a rebellious streak. If i had not gone on that streak than i would have never met my husband and never had my beautiful kids. I might have went to college and met someone else and my life would be different. In the end it all happened this way for a reason. God took my mother because her job on earth was done and mine had just began. God sent me on a journey to find myself and him/her. Now if you don't agree with me i understand. Religion is a very touchy subject and not everyone views things as i do and that is ok. As i said we all worship different Gods, in different places, and in different ways and for me that is ok.

Music

What is it about music that speaks straight to my soul! I have spent my morning listening to music and it has made me feel amazing. I must admit i have cried a little. There is some thing about a song that can just heal me when i am feeling low. The one song i think i turn to the most is "Jesus Take The Wheel" by Carrie Underwood. It strips me down every time. It speaks to me when i feel so beaten down. Now i am by no means an overly religious person. I do believe that there is a higher power. I however do not take my belief to fanatical proportions as some others do. This is getting off the point anyways, my religion is a whole other blog.

Another song that speak straight to my core is "In The Arms of an Angel" by Sarah McLachlan. This was my mom's favorite song from one of her favorite movies. For a long time after her death i could not listen to this song but now i feel relief and comfort when i listen to this song. I somehow feel comfort in the few moments that this song plays over my speakers. It is like Sarah McLachlan's voice envelopes me and takes me one step closer to my mom in that moment.

"She Was" by Mark Chesnutt is another one that reminds me of my mom. I tend to like those songs that make me feel a little closer with my mom. It is still very hard to deal with my mom's untimely death and i feel more able to express myself through lyrics and rhythms than anything else. The last verse really does hit home and it wrenches my heart every time but it helps me heal a little more each time.

Music is an intricate part of my life. I need it to breathe and to feel. I love to sway with a rhythm. I am sure there are many more songs i could list on here but that is the problem; there are way to many. I have a quote on my MySpace profile that says it all:

Have you ever heard a song from so long ago,

with so many memories tied to it that it made you cry?

and didn't you wish you could go back in time

to when things were simple and carefree?

Those are the songs that are the soundtracks of our lives...

The one that bring back our past.

-Best Friends-

-First Loves-

-Broken Hearts-

&

M.E.M.O.R.I.E.S

Good and Bad!

This to me says everything. Songs are a soundtrack of our lives on earth. We use songs sometimes to describe our feelings, emotions, point in life, and situations. We use them to convey love, anger, happiness, and strength. Rhythms and lyrics put together can make us feel something. They can make us feel these emotions that too often we push away. I have songs that i sing to my kids that make me love them more and they love them as well. I am sure for the rest of their lives when they hear "When You Believe" by Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey they will think of mommy. Or maybe when they hear "Who Would Imagine a King" also by Whitney Houston they will always see my face and smile.

There are also songs that remind me of my husband. Most of them newer songs. "No One" and "Like You'll Never See Me Again" by Alicia Keys come to mind right off the bat. Those are songs that take me to a special place that only my husband and i share. A love so happy, so pure, and so genuine that i cant explain t myself so i use a song to help me.

Some of my favorite artists sing a variety of music. I love it all. Country, R&B, Rap, Gospel, and Oldies. I love Pattie Labelle. She is one of the few artists that can bring me to tears instantly. I love the way she conveys so much emotion into her songs. I don't know how many of you watched the "Clash of the Choirs" last Christmas on NBC but i loved that show and it was for such a good cause. The one performance that stands out is Patti Labelle's choir sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and it broke me down. I cried and smiled and it made me happy to be alive and struggle to survive. I ever thought that song could do that to me. It made me feel like i could fight more, push farther, and love harder all because i want to make it "Over the Rainbow" lol.

So what is you favorite song and why? Does it bring up certain emotions? Do you like to listen to it alone or with people around? Is there a story to go with it? Let me know what your soundtrack to life is!

Yes/No Game

Got this from http://airingdirtylaundry.wordpress.com/. I read her blog frequently. Check it out!

YES/NO GAME RULES ARE AS FOLLOWS:

You can only say yes or no. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone asks!

Over 18? Yes
Danced in front of your mirror naked? Yes
Ever told a lie? Yes
Been arrested? No
Kissed a picture? Yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes
Held an actual snake? Yes
Ever run a red light? Yes
Ever drink and drive? No
Been suspended from school? No
Ever been fired from a job? No
Totaled a car/motorbike in an accident? No
Sang karaoke? Yes
Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes
Ever laughed until you wet yourself? Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
Kissed in the rain? Yes
Sang in the shower? Yes
Sat on a rooftop? Yes
Thought about your past with regret? Yes
Been pushed in the pool with your clothes on? Yes
Shaved your head? No
Blacked out from drinking? Yes
Had a gym membership? No
Been in a band? No
Shot a gun? No
Liked someone with nobody else knowing about it? Yes
Played strip poker? Yes
Been to a strip joint? Yes
Donated Blood? No
Liked someone you shouldn’t? Yes
Have a tattoo? Yes
Have or had any piercings besides ears? Yes
Made out with a complete stranger? Yes
Caught someone cheating on you? Yes
Skinny dipped? Yes
Regret any of your ex’s? Yes
Been to a rodeo? No
Been to a NASCAR race? No
Been in Love? Yes

More Pictures

Here are some more pics of my beautiful niece Averiana. She is just so beautiful. I forgot how soft a newborns skins is. Her little feet and hands are soft and she is so tiny. I just love her already and she is spoiled. Her mama hasn't put her down and it is beautiful to watch her with Averiana. Love is an amazing thing. It cant truly heal.

Note: The last picture is a yawn not a cry lol!

New Arrival

Chelsie had Averiana Jade via c-section on October 11th at 1:31am. She weighted 6lbs 11ozs and was 19ins long. She has a little jet black hair and is a very calm little thing. She has big feet and long toes and fingers. Her and mommy are doing wonderful and they are both handling nursing like pros. I will have more pictures as i am able to get them today but here are the ones i took last night.