Nothing To Complain About

I sat down at the computer about 45 minutes ago prepared to write a blog about how bad things suck in my life right now and how i really need a break. I got distracted (as i often do, as i am sure i must have ADHD or ADD) by this new show called Secret Millionaire on Fox. For those of you who don't watch TV or just don't watch reality TV i will give you the low down on it.

Secret Millionaire is a show where they take a person or family who is a millionaire or multi-millionaire and strip them of everything for a week. They provide them with welfare wages and send them to the most poverty stricken neighborhood in their state. They have to live without the luxury of their wealth for a week and in that week they have to find people that they want to help. At the end of the show they are required to give at least $100,000.00 of their own money away to the people that they have met and been touch by through out the week.

Now as i sat and watched this the thought that my life is sooooooooo bad vanished. I suddenly felt so happy for the things i do have rather than bitching about the things that i don't. I by no means have a lot of money. For that matter we (and this is very hard to admit) live, by all standards, in poverty ourselves, but i can not complain about it. Are bills are paid, we have heat and running water, we eat breakfast lunch and dinner everyday, and we have some luxury.

I thank God every night that we have a roof over our head, clothes on our back, and food in our bellies. My husband has a great job where there isn't an immediate threat of being laid off or fired. I have 2 beautiful children who are smart and talented. I have the luxury of staying at home with them (for the past 4 years as i will be getting a job after the new year or sooner). What do i have to complain about.

There are people just in my neighborhood that have it worse. For example i just saw a family, today, walking up the street with trash bags of their clothing and shopping cart with lamps and a TV in it. The eldest boy who walked tall beside his mother was pushing a small child in a stroller and his younger sibling was helping his mom push the buggy. As i watched them walk past me i wondered what had happened to them but i didn't ask or help.

I think a part of me feared that they would think i was being uppity if i ask if they needed help, and another part of me (as much as i hate to admit this) was scared of them. Society has told us that if you are poor it is because you choose to be this way. You choose not to get an education and you choose to live off of welfare. I have done my fair share of bitching about welfare moms but how can we help those who need to be helped without helping some bad people also.

I don't know who in their right mind would choose to live off of welfare wages just because that is easier than getting a job. Now don't get me wrong i am full aware that some people do. Some people abuse the system and that is wrong, but most people are just looking for a helping hand or at least i would like to think that. I like to think the best of people even if all the evidence points the other way. Who would choose to for go college so they can stay at home and pop out kids for a $400.00 a month pay check. I don't know many who would be happy with this life.

I have heard it all from a lot of different ethnicity's, religions, and genders. Why don't you just get a job? Close your legs so you don't have so many mouths to feed! If you can't support you kids give them to someone who can! Those have never been said to me but i can admit that i have said those at times and i will tell you why. I myself and the recipient of Food Stamps and those who do abuse the system do make it hard on those of us who really just need a helping hand.

My husband works 40+ hours a week for $10.00 an hour. He slaves away in a restaurant and barley brings home enough to pay all the bills plus buy some extra food. Yes it would help if i got a job but i cant afford daycare. For two children, at most day cares around my area, it would cost $50.00 a day. Add that up for 5 days a week and you have $250.00 a week or $1000.00 a month. If i got a job, having no college degree, for minimum wage, i would be working to pay for daycare. Now can any of you tell me that makes any since? So i stay at home with my kids and take my $120.00 worth of food stamps a month. If you wanna know the harsh reality of it we survive with that much food plus what little extra we can afford. I don't cook elaborate meals, but we are fed and my kids never go without food...EVER! When most family spend that much a week we make it last a month!

The whole point of this is that i have no right to complain. Their are people in far worse situations than me. There are people who don't have the money to feed their kids, to put a roof over their head, to shelter them from the rain. There are people who don't have clean water or clean clothes to put on. There are people who will be evicted because they got laid off and cant make their mortgage or rent this month. I have no right to bitch about my life. Because as i sit here comfy in my computer chair, with my kids sound asleep in their warm bed, typing away on my (highly over priced) Internet...i know i am blessed. I know that God has blessed us with all these things. We are safe, full, warm, and i am thankful!

PS...i just read through this again and realized that i admitted way more than i care to usually share. I don't like to admit to being "poor" and i don't like to admit to being on food stamps, but i refuse to allow myself to take this post down. I think i needed to see that it is OK. That although i am not rich in money i am rich in friends and family and love. Thank you all who read this and please i hope you all are thankful for what you have tonight!

PPS...so that their isnt any confusion as to how i will afford daycare when i do get a job. A friend has offered to watch my kids for next to nothing. She is a saint and i love her to death.

....... Thats How I Feel Today

My head is just blank. It has been all day. I cant think straight. Even as i sit here writing this i have a gazillion thoughts all jumbled in my head making it very hard for me to get anything out. I hate when i get like this. I don't really know what it is but i hate it. It is almost like some weird for of ADD or ADHD brought on by stress or anxiety. I have been stressed lately and defiantly not feeling my best.

There seems to be a lot of death happening in my life. Ever time i turn around it seems that someone else has passed away and i just don't know how to deal with it. My mind doesn't comprehend death. I know that everyone says to trust in God and i do but i just don't understand his reasoning. I don't understand how making a mother suffer through a pregnancy knowing her baby will not live helps anyone! I don't understand how taking a mother from her 15 year old child helps anyone! I don't understand how taking a father from his 2 year old son helps anyone! I question these thing and at the same time i know there is a good reason behind it.

My heart and my head hurt right now. I am 22 years old and i have witnessed so much death. I know it is part of life and that is how it works. The minute we are born we start to die. I just don't know how to deal with it. My emotional growth and my ability to comprehend death stops at 15. I revert back into a shell and don't know what to say or do. I feel like i just want to sit in a corner and watch from afar. I don't like funerals or burials. Its not that i don't respect the process but it is hard to say goodbye even to those i didn't know very well. I have to learn...i have to grow...i have to get past this.

I know i need counseling. I do and i know it. I have for a long time. I never saw anyone after my mom died and that is also when i stopped taking the meds that i was on for prior depression. I know i need to talk to someone. I need to seek help. I am not suicidal or anything don't get me wrong i just need to vent. I need to scream at someone and let it all out. I am so tired of being the leaning post for everyone and me having no one to lean on myself. I get tired of having to lean on the same 2 people all the time as i know they are probably tired of it too. I feel like i could just snap and lose it sometimes. My head swims with thoughts and questions. Most of them surround death and my mother and why. I need to be fixed.

I know this is a very raw and emotional post. I hope no one gets scared and runs away lol. I just needed to vent it out on paper (well on screen lol) and get it all out of me before i burst. I feel a little better now but this feeling of heaviness on my chest just isn't letting up. You know that feeling when you are trying not to cry and it makes your chest feel tight and heavy...yea...thats it. I need a hot bubble bath, a cup of hot tea, and a good book...yea...that will help!

Rough

So tomorrow is going to be a rough day. Phabian has school in the morning as usual but tomorrow is Drew's funeral. After Phabian gets out of school we are taking them to a friend and getting ready for the viewing at 11 and then the funeral at 2. It is going to be a long hard day for all of us. I met Drew before i even met my husband. I had no clue they were cousins till after we started dating. Drew was such a sweetheart and never had a bad word to say about anyone. I wish there were more people in this world like him. The world needs more people like Drew!

I just keep thinking about his little boy. His name is Joseph and they call him Jo Jo. I call him Cookie because when he was born, the first time i saw him i said, "He is so cute i could eat him in one bite like a cookie"! He had the sweetest little spot of brown hair on top his head that reminded me of one of those Hershey Kiss cookies. So i have called him Cookie ever since. He is such a Daddy's boy i hope he knows and will always know how much his Daddy loved him.

It makes me cry when i think about another baby growing up without his daddy. I wonder if he will be told what a good man his daddy was or if he will be left to wonder. I didn't know his mother too well and i don't know how good or bad his mom and dad got along. I just know that he deserved to grow up with his Daddy in his life and now he wont get to. It is sad but ultimately i know it was his time and God has a plan.

That in itself is very hard for me to admit. I was angry at God for a very long time after my Mom died. Like Drew my mom was a good person. She would have done anything for anyone and never thought twice about it. I remember thinking if their was a God why did he take the good people? Why did ones who did him justice, who proved that he was good have to be taken away? Why would he leave a 15 year old girl in this cruel world without the guidance of her mother? I remember thinking all of these things and more. I was angry for a long time and it wasn't until i had my first child that i came to peace with God and his plan. I realize that if i had not lost my mother my life would be so different. I would have never met my husband and i would have never given birth to these two beautiful boys. Sometimes i still ask God why but i think that my questions are rhetorical because i don't need to know why i just have to trust that it is the way things have to be in his plan. As hard as that is for me to accept.

So if you all can continue to pray for the family that is grieving the loss of a wonderful son, grandson, cousin, friend, nephew, father, and boyfriend. Pray for me that i may have the right words to comfort my husband and that God will help me deal with my emotions because only he knows that i am not good with this type of thing. Thank you all so very much!

My Religion

(Note: I know this is a touchy subject and that is why i am covering it. I am not trying to be controversial or start a fight. To each their own when it comes to this subject. I just ask that you keep the angry comments to yourself. I have no problem with people with different opinions i just have a problem with the way that some people express them.)

First may i say that every ones religion is just that: THEIRS! I am a believer that each person's religion is unique even if they consider themselves part of an organized religion. We each talk to OUR God in our OWN unique way. With that said i will give you a little history on my religious background.

I started going to church when i was just a newborn. As a family we always went to a Non-denominational church. I had several preachers that i considered family. They were close to us and we loved them. The churches i attended were always like families. We all knew each other and we often got together for other occasions outside of church walls. I have went to both big and small churches. I have also spent time with friends (that had different religions) at their churches. Each may have practiced their religion differently but they all have one thing in common. They each depend on their faith to get them through life and what ever may come after.

I remember Sunday's the best. Sunday morning was always a scramble in my house. Up at 5 (as always) my mom would cook a small breakfast for us to have before we left. This usually resulted in us being late as we never got up on time and never out the door more than 5 minutes late lol. Once at church we would sing an array of songs and listen to the sermon of the day. I always enjoyed hearing what the preacher had to say and i never enjoyed the children's classes as much as i did the adult. I loved to hear my mom lead the church in song. Two of my favorites will always be "The Old Rugged Cross" and "Amazing Grace". I clearly remember my mom singing those which contributes to those being my favorites.

I remember after church going to my Grandma's house for Sunday dinner. There was always some kind of Beef Roast with Veggies (usually dried out because my Grandma in her old age would forget and put it in too early) and an array of sides. When i think of Sunday dinner i always think of the smell of buttered rolls and cooked roast as well as long naps on the couch afterwards. After we left there we would usually head home to change and then back to church for evening service. I continued this routine till i was 14 when my Grandma died (followed by my mom 6 months later) and my mom had her first heart attack.

When my mom died (i was 15) i turned my back completely on religion. So did my father, who for as long as i could remember was always very religious. I could not understand how a compassionate, loving God that i had learned about could cause such pain to a family that had done nothing but worship him. I didn't understand how God could take a 15 year old girl's mother from her leaving her with a father who had no clue how to function without his wife. I didn't understand how the God i had learned about could be so merciless as i cried out to him to help save my mother. I for the next 3 years would rebel and do anything to push away from God, religion, and my father.

When i became pregnant with Phabian i found God again. But not in the way that most would think. I do not clam to be Catholic, Protestant, Baptist, or any other named religion. I think the best thing that can describe me is Henotheistic. For those who do not understand or know what this is i will explain.

Henotheism is the belief in one God without denying the existence of others. This is where the belief that everyone worships in their own unique way comes in. Although i am not necessarily saying that there is more than one God, i am saying that i believe that God is an all knowing, all loving being. With that definition you can call him what ever you want. He has many names and many stories but who actually knows what is right. No one knows until they are dead. I believe that God is, understood as, Life, Truth, Love, Mind, Soul, Spirit, Principle. He/She is kind, loving, merciful, honest, peaceful, and everything else that you could possibly imagine. He/She is good and listens to us even if he/she doesn't give us the answers we seek. I believe that nature is a part of God. When you feel the wind blow or hear the thunder that is God.

Now with that said i do not believe that if i do not go to church and worship God will deny me what ever comes after this life. I also do not believe that my God hates anyone. I believe that he/she loves us all equally and is tolerant of our mistakes just as we tolerate our own children's mistakes and help then to see what is right. I think that he/she will decide all of our fates. I do not believe that we are just here on earth wondering around with no sense of purpose. I think we all have a mission or deed that we were placed in this world to accomplish. Now what that is can vary and it is our job to seek out our path. It is God's job to place us on the right path should we get lost.

The God i just described is the God that i cherish. He/She is the God that i pray to and thank. He/She is the God that protects my family and guides me through my days. He/She is not an angry God. He/She is not going to strike us all down if we don't get it right. This God that i believe in could go by many names. A matter of fact he/she does. God comes in many religions and many forms. In some religions he/she has 8 arms and is bright blue, in other he/she is short, fat, and bald. Like i said, we all worship different, we all believe different, even if we go to the same church. I love my God because he has blessed me with 2 beautiful boys and a wonderful husband. He showed me that i am not alone in this world. He has paved a path to great friends and wonderful places. He has given me the ability to feel ok with my life and accept that things happen as a bigger plan.

Maybe if my mom had not passed away i would have never went on a rebellious streak. If i had not gone on that streak than i would have never met my husband and never had my beautiful kids. I might have went to college and met someone else and my life would be different. In the end it all happened this way for a reason. God took my mother because her job on earth was done and mine had just began. God sent me on a journey to find myself and him/her. Now if you don't agree with me i understand. Religion is a very touchy subject and not everyone views things as i do and that is ok. As i said we all worship different Gods, in different places, and in different ways and for me that is ok.