Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Smoking

I wish i was saying that in a literal reference to my body or something but i am not i am talking about a cancer stick.

I started smoking socially when i was about 12 and then full on addiction smoking by the time i was 15. I have tried to quit smoking a million times. I smoked through both of my pregnancies (i did cut down and yes i know that it isn't enough and yes i feel terrible about it so i don't need anyone else to tear me down about it thank you very much) and i can't tell you how it makes me feel to know that i could have contributed to my children having asthma among other things. It is a horrible habit and expensive. On average i spend about $85 dollars every 2 weeks on cigarettes. My breathe stinks, i cant breathe, my clothes smell, i cough and hack, my house has the odor of an ash tray, my kids cough a lot and get colds, and i am killing myself slowly!

When i was laying in bed the other night thinking about all the bills we have due and how the heck we were going to scrape up the money to pay them i realized i am a selfish person. Here we are struggling pay check to pay check and i have the nerve to spend $85 dollars out of every paycheck on a selfish habit that benefits no one! What is wrong with me, seriously??? I know that all addictions are hard to break but i am so ready to be done with this one!!!

Another reason i want to quit is that my husband and i have been discussing having another child. We would like to start trying some time next year once we get MJ potty trained. He will be starting school in the fall and we think it is a perfect time to have another baby. I don't want to smoke through this pregnancy. I want to quit and be healthy so that my last pregnancy can be healthy and happy. I don't want people to be able to look at me crazy when i am standing outside smoking with a belly the size of Egypt. I want all my kids to be able to breathe inside their home without having to have their lungs filled with 2nd hand smoke. I want to not be selfish, and i want that $85 dollars a week to spend of groceries or something that benefits my whole family.

I have 4 and 1/2 packs of cigarettes left and when they are gone they are gone. I wont buy anymore and i have already informed everyone to not buy me or support my habit in any ways. If i ask for a cigarette tell me no! If i ask you for a hit tell me no! I am going to be done with this. I am 22 and have a whole life to live, kids to grow up with, and hopefully one day grand kids to love. I don't want to die early because i made a stupid decision in my life and more than that i don't want to hurt my family because of my dumbness.

Now with this all said i will probably be a (excuse the language) bitch for awhile. There will be a lot of bitchy blogs and i will probably post a lot of short blogs pertaining to how bad i want a cigarette. Please those of you who read my blog support me and bare with me. Leave me comments and let me know that i am doing the right thing. Let me know that i am strong and i can do this. I know this sounds so over dramatic but those of you who smoke know the control that it has over your life. I go to bed thinking do i have enough cigarettes to last all day tomorrow, do i have a lighter, when do i need to buy more?!? It is a ridiculous pattern and i want it to end. So i am asking for support and kind words.

I will post letting you know when i am out and when the smokeless house begins. It wont be long now.!

4 comments:

My Happy Family said...

Good for you, Courtney!! You're right, now IS the time. You can undo the negative effects; you're still young.

When I first started dating my husband, he smoked... and quit for good before long.

It is tough but you can do it.

Best of luck!!

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Oh, I will be thinking of you! How brave of you to quit and share it here. You can do this!!

PS- totally loved your entry at 5 Minutes For Parenting today!

Steph

Christina said...

Good luck! It sounds like you have the resolve to succeed - you can do it!

Anita the Immigrant Mom said...

You can do it! I am from Italy and my cousins tried really hard to stop - it took them a few tries but they did it! And in Italy everyone smokes
Sending you positive thoughts, that you can do it!
www.anitadoberman.com