I Wish I Knew...

Why i have been a big ball of water works this past week.

I swear to you i have been crying over everything.

Good, bad, sweet, sad, ugly, pretty.

It has all made me bust into tears at one point or another.

Last night after Hubby and I were cuddled up in bed we started to talk.

It was one of those talks that you wish you could have every day.

You know the ones...

So intiment, deep, and emotion filled. Where truth is the only thing that matters and so you just lay your heart out there on the line and wait to see what happens next.

We talked for almost two hours. About everything from silly stuff to the more serious.

We laughed, I cried, we hugged and kissed.

In the end i discovered that i love him more then any words could ever express. We could talk til we are blue in the face and nothing i could ever say could mean as much as my heart feels.

Today he took the kids to the grocery store while i slept in.

When he got back he walked into the bed room and put a bracelet on my wrist. It is one of those little fake gold plastic things that you get for 50 cent out of the bubble gum machine.

I cried and thanked him. Because for me it isn't about the price or the show, but about the meaning. The simple fact of the "I was thinking of you".

I don't know how much longer these water works are going to last. And i don't know if i care. Because today, and for the rest of my life, i have the best man in the world to wipe the fallen drops away.

Tears

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to sit and cry. With no real reason or no explanation except that you just feel the overwhelming desire building inside you like a volcano and if you don't just let it out you might explode. Today is one of those days for me.

I think it has been coming for awhile. There are a lot of things on my mind and dealing with stress has never been my strong suit. Today i woke up to my husbands work calling. They ask him to come in, i am assuming, because someone called off. Now i don't normally have a problem with this especially it being this close to Christmas. We need all the money we can get and overtime is more than welcome. Today was just not the day that i needed him to say yes and rush off to save the day. I needed him home with me and the kids to possibly save the day here. The bottom line is he didn't even ask me if i minded that he spent one of his 2 days off at work or if i had plans today, he just told them yes and left. Well not just left, we fought! Neither of us made out points. I was too hysterically crying to even make sense. I said somethings i didn't mean and now i am feeling even worse.

Being a stay at home mom is stressful. Awhile back i wrote a post about all the things i do titled My Yesterday. In it i ranted about my husband and talked about all the things i do day to day as a SAHM. I try not to bitch and i try not to complain and then i end up exploding over something that shouldn't have been that big of a deal. I just feel like he could have ask me if we needed to do stuff today or if maybe i had plans for us. In actuality i did have plans for us. We needed to go to the grocery store as i really don't have anything to feed the kids for lunch. I has also promised the kids that their daddy was off today and we would do something fun as a family. So now i am hungry and disappointed that i lied to my kids. Now maybe things would be different if he had just ask me if i minded or showed some concern for the fact that i seemed quiet upset but the fact of the matter is he did neither, and it hurts!

Adding to the stress and my emotions is my pregnancy/non pregnancy/weird body. I take a pregnancy test every month because i no longer have a period due to my IUD (i know TMI). This is what my doc told me to do so that i could be 100% that i am not preggers. SO for almost 3 years now, on the 1st of ever month, i take a pregnancy test. Every month it is negative. Now most women out there know that taking a pregnancy test can be fun or scary but for me it is agonizing. I hate it and i dread it every month. I want more kids and i think a part of me every month hopes that it will end up positive and the logical part of me tells me that it isn't good timing. So every month when it comes back negative it is a little stab to the heart of hope. I said all of that to say this.

I took a pregnancy test on the 5th i was behind a few days than normal on taking it. In the little box the line that shows up to tell you if you are or are not pregnant wasn't there all the way but there was part of a very very light pink line. Almost like it was saying you might be but I'm not telling. So now i have to wait a week and take another one just to see if it was a dud test or if i am pregnant. Now my mind reels at the thought that i might actually be pregnant. Hubby and i agreed to wait til our youngest son is potty trained before TTC again. Plus i have an IUD in and they say that the chance of miscarriage if they remove it is high but if you leave it in they don't know what damage it can do to the baby. It scares the holy poo out of me. I want a baby but not this way.

So there is my stress. On top of needing about a billion dollars to pay all the backed up bills and feed the family with, i might be pregnant and my hubby is working on his day off (which yes i know is the answer to the money problems). I just feel like i am going to go insane and there isn't a branch on the tree to cradle my fall.

My Dear Sweet Phabian

So it has been a ruff week for my big boy Phabian. He has been having a hard time with school. I think it is caused by the fact that they go year round. They go for 9 weeks at a time and are out for 3 weeks at a time. Now i know they say this is an attempt to help kids remember more and forget less but it is very confusing for a child at age 3. I think he went for the first 2 weeks then they left on break and he thought,"ok i went to school its done now". Oh my poor child if you had only know that your excitement about school needed to last about another 20 years.

It all started the 4th day back from break. It was a normal Friday as always. They were learning about the letter F and playing outside as long as the good weather lasted. He threw a rock while they were outside playing. Now every Friday they get (if they have been good all week) a treasure out of the treasure box. This so called box contains both toys and candy. Because he threw the rock he didn't get any treasure. He was so upset and cried. The next school day he seemed fine, but lone an behold when we went to pick him up he was crying. They had been learning about Fire Safety and they used a puppet. Well apparently one of the other kids was playing with it and made a gesture at Phabian like the puppet was going to get him. He was petrified. Now it is a fight every morning. When we approach the school he starts in with i don't wanna go. Then once we get inside he screams bloody murder. When we pick him up the report is always the same,"He cried for a few minutes and then he was fine".

Now this is very hard for both of us. As a mommy i want to run back in and grab him and hold him till he is ok, or run home with him in my arms. I hate that he is sad. It is the policy of the school that you allow your kids to get through these times by leaving them there and allowing them to gain trust in the teacher by allowing her to console him. I wouldn't have a problem with this if i didn't feel like he is somehow losing trust in me. I feel like i am the one who is suppose to help him through this and i am the one who is suppose to console him. It is frustrating. He is doing better though. Day by day the time that he cries is getting less and less. Yesterday it was 2 minutes and today it was only 1 and he is no longer in tears when we pick him up either. I hope it passes soon. He is such a big boy and i just don't want him to feel like mommy has somehow abandoned him to fend for himself.

So i guess that is my rant for today. My big boy is getting to big and growing even faster now. Each day that passes i see my first born growing into a well mannered, intelligent, all be it rowdy young man. Soon he will be playing little league sports and i will be cheering him on in the stands. Soon he will move from the comfort of his small school with 12 students to a big school with lots of kids. My baby is growing and all i can do is sit here and wonder where the heck time went to and why i didn't notice it was flying by.

Oh yes and Phabian's word of the month: Steep (ie: "Mama we can't climb that hill cause it's steep!!!")

and some pictures to end with.

Silly Face

Pout Face

Happy Face

Surprised Face