Saturday, November 22, 2008

....... Thats How I Feel Today

My head is just blank. It has been all day. I cant think straight. Even as i sit here writing this i have a gazillion thoughts all jumbled in my head making it very hard for me to get anything out. I hate when i get like this. I don't really know what it is but i hate it. It is almost like some weird for of ADD or ADHD brought on by stress or anxiety. I have been stressed lately and defiantly not feeling my best.

There seems to be a lot of death happening in my life. Ever time i turn around it seems that someone else has passed away and i just don't know how to deal with it. My mind doesn't comprehend death. I know that everyone says to trust in God and i do but i just don't understand his reasoning. I don't understand how making a mother suffer through a pregnancy knowing her baby will not live helps anyone! I don't understand how taking a mother from her 15 year old child helps anyone! I don't understand how taking a father from his 2 year old son helps anyone! I question these thing and at the same time i know there is a good reason behind it.

My heart and my head hurt right now. I am 22 years old and i have witnessed so much death. I know it is part of life and that is how it works. The minute we are born we start to die. I just don't know how to deal with it. My emotional growth and my ability to comprehend death stops at 15. I revert back into a shell and don't know what to say or do. I feel like i just want to sit in a corner and watch from afar. I don't like funerals or burials. Its not that i don't respect the process but it is hard to say goodbye even to those i didn't know very well. I have to learn...i have to grow...i have to get past this.

I know i need counseling. I do and i know it. I have for a long time. I never saw anyone after my mom died and that is also when i stopped taking the meds that i was on for prior depression. I know i need to talk to someone. I need to seek help. I am not suicidal or anything don't get me wrong i just need to vent. I need to scream at someone and let it all out. I am so tired of being the leaning post for everyone and me having no one to lean on myself. I get tired of having to lean on the same 2 people all the time as i know they are probably tired of it too. I feel like i could just snap and lose it sometimes. My head swims with thoughts and questions. Most of them surround death and my mother and why. I need to be fixed.

I know this is a very raw and emotional post. I hope no one gets scared and runs away lol. I just needed to vent it out on paper (well on screen lol) and get it all out of me before i burst. I feel a little better now but this feeling of heaviness on my chest just isn't letting up. You know that feeling when you are trying not to cry and it makes your chest feel tight and heavy...yea...thats it. I need a hot bubble bath, a cup of hot tea, and a good book...yea...that will help!

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