Death and a Funeral

Have i ever mentioned here how much i hate attending funerals? I am not really sure if i have so i will.

I really hate going to viewings, wakes, funerals, graveside services. Really anything having to do with the death of someone.

I believe this stems from the fact that i watched my grandma buried when i was 14 followed by my mother less then 4 months later, a month after my 15th birthday.

I also hate hospitals. to be more specific i hate going to the hospital to visit people who are dying. I spent a week straight sleeping in the waiting room of a hospital watching my mom die. I went home for a bath one time in that week because i was too scared she would die if i left.

The smell, the tubes, the doctors, the nurses, the tape, the machines! It all makes my stomach absolutely turn. Even the knowledge of going to a hospital makes me panic.

For these reasons i avoid as much as possible putting myself in these situations.

Unfortunately, sometimes things happen and we can not avoid facing life.

Back in September my Great Uncle who we called Unc was diagnosed with late stage prostate cancer. By the time they discovered it, the cancer had already spread to his lungs and liver. Needless to say the prognosis was not good. We still had faith. My family is very VERY strong in our faith. We know that sometimes the answer is not what we want to hear but none the less God always answers us.

(I will not go into details about his care because it is a whole other post to itself. I might write about it here later so that it can be a light to others. He was treated in a way that no person should ever be treated.)

Back in early November i went to visit Unc at the hospital. On the way there my husband watched as i started to panic. The closer we got to the hospital, the more i started to breathe deep, close my eyes longer, anything to keep from busting into uncontrollable sobs.

We visited with him that day for about 2 hours. His daughter, and one of my favorite people, walked us out. She hugged us and thanked us for coming. We talked and then departed. At the time no one thought he would make it through the week.

Fast forward to December 2nd, I received the call i had been dreading. Unc passed away peacefully with his family by his side.

Now to explain why i was dreading this i have to admit that i was being a bit selfish. I was not dreading his passing because i wanted him with me. Not that kind of selfish. He is much better off where he is now. Their is no pain or sorrow for him anymore. He is at peace with his family who went before him. I was selfish because i knew with his death came a funeral. And the thought of it made me panic.

The viewing was Saturday night. It went smoothly. I managed to force myself up to the casket to say my goodbyes. He looked great. Better then he did in the hospital. The peace on his face is only something that comes with death and the removal of the stress of this world.

I spent time with family who was in from out of state. We laughed. We looked at pictures. We cried a bit when someone told us a story about how Unc had helped them. He had 4 children, 6 grandchildren, and 4 great grandkids. He was blessed and we were blessed to have him.

Sunday was the grave side service. They opted for this rather then a service. I was thankful. Having to watch the coffin be closed for the last time is one of the hardest things for me.

As we stood around the grave side and listened as his kids and friends all spoke i laughed and sniffled. It was cold, and snowy. My feet were freezing. My heart way heavy. But i was amazed i was doing so well. And then it happened. A friend of Unc's daughters sang Amazing Grace.

I lost it. My legs went weak and my heart broke into. This is a song that they frequently sing at funerals. But for me it is the song they sang at my mom's. It is the song she sang to me as a child to calm me and put me to sleep. It is the song she sang while she cooked or at church on Sunday morning.

In the back of my head i heard her singing and i absolutely lost all the composure i had strained to keep.

This is why i hate this part of life. It is hard for me. I am stunted at 15 emotionally when it comes to death. I don't know how or if it is even possible for me to be able to get over it. All i know is at that moment and any other like this that i have faced, i break down to a heartbroken, devastated teen.

I don't remember anymore where i was going with this post or how i should end it, so i will share a memory.

Unc always had a nickname for everyone. If he called you by your given name it was probably because he didn't know you that well. My Aunt Kay was always Kadeedid, His daughter Kim was always Kimbo, my Brother was always Lil Bean (Unc was Big Bean) and me....I was Pickle Head. This could be because he just liked the name or it could be because for a whole year of my toddler years i would eat nothing but green beans and pickles. Either way it is a great memory for me.

Is It Worth It?

I will make this clear at the beginning so in hope i won't have to state it again, i am NOT a Black Friday shopper. As a kid i remember many long days of 4 am shopping with my mom on the dreaded day after Thanksgiving. I hate it...no i despise it. I refuse to fight with someone over the last Elmo toy or knock over an old lady for the last blender. I know it is great to find these wonderful once a year deals but how much are you actually saving compared to how much you are giving up!

The reason i chose to blog about Black Friday when i didn't even go shopping is the pure chaos of it. I, as most probably have by now, watched on the news as they talked about the Wal-Mart shoppers in Long Island, New York who trampled a employee to death. They killed a person for the chance at a cheap deal! Excuse my use of language but what the fuck! Now i don't think these people intended to kill anyone but in the chaos of rushing to get that flat screen TV or toy for their child i have to wonder how many people say this person lying on the ground and just kept going to get their prize. And i wonder how they feel now knowing what happened. Was it worth it? Would your child have been sad if they didn't get that gift that you rushed in for? It makes me sad to know that this is how society is. We are so focused on the material items that we don't take account for helping another human being.

At a local Wal-Mart her in WV a old woman was pushed down and seriously injured by a man. Over what you may ask yourself? Well allow me to tell you...a blender! He pushed an old woman down with such force that she had to be taken to the hospital over a freaking blender! Now my brother and my dad both work in the meat department at Wal-Mart and they have seen their fair share of violence on Black Friday. Just last year my brother was called to the cooking section to help break up a fight where 2 women were fighting over a pasta pot. They both were holding on to the pot by both handles while beating each other (no this is not a joke) with a spatula and a whisk! Now i ask you was it really that good of a deal?

Since i have family who works at these stores i also get the low down on what is a good deal and what isn't. Did you know that a lot of these stores really are not giving you that much of a deal. For instance a store that i will not name advertised a special on a pan set for $49.99. Now this was only for Black Friday and no other day except for the fact that i was there 2 weeks ago and it was 49.99 then and i am pretty sure that has always been the price on it. I have noticed a lot of deals like this. They say "This item is on sale for one day and one day only" but in reality it is never marked down. It is left at its regular price but because we saw a piece of paper that said sale on it we had to have it. We jump at the chance to save a dollar even if it means we have to act like prehistoric humans hunting for the last Dino egg.

I for one stayed home today. I did some shopping online (which also offers these "Black Friday" sales) and got some nice gifts for my kids. I enjoyed cuddling with my babies and eating leftovers. I say if you want to go fight for a deal that might not be a deal more power to you but you will find me at home kicking off the Christmas season with a cup of hot cocoa and my kids. I prefer not to give or receive a black eye trying to save a buck.

....... Thats How I Feel Today

My head is just blank. It has been all day. I cant think straight. Even as i sit here writing this i have a gazillion thoughts all jumbled in my head making it very hard for me to get anything out. I hate when i get like this. I don't really know what it is but i hate it. It is almost like some weird for of ADD or ADHD brought on by stress or anxiety. I have been stressed lately and defiantly not feeling my best.

There seems to be a lot of death happening in my life. Ever time i turn around it seems that someone else has passed away and i just don't know how to deal with it. My mind doesn't comprehend death. I know that everyone says to trust in God and i do but i just don't understand his reasoning. I don't understand how making a mother suffer through a pregnancy knowing her baby will not live helps anyone! I don't understand how taking a mother from her 15 year old child helps anyone! I don't understand how taking a father from his 2 year old son helps anyone! I question these thing and at the same time i know there is a good reason behind it.

My heart and my head hurt right now. I am 22 years old and i have witnessed so much death. I know it is part of life and that is how it works. The minute we are born we start to die. I just don't know how to deal with it. My emotional growth and my ability to comprehend death stops at 15. I revert back into a shell and don't know what to say or do. I feel like i just want to sit in a corner and watch from afar. I don't like funerals or burials. Its not that i don't respect the process but it is hard to say goodbye even to those i didn't know very well. I have to learn...i have to grow...i have to get past this.

I know i need counseling. I do and i know it. I have for a long time. I never saw anyone after my mom died and that is also when i stopped taking the meds that i was on for prior depression. I know i need to talk to someone. I need to seek help. I am not suicidal or anything don't get me wrong i just need to vent. I need to scream at someone and let it all out. I am so tired of being the leaning post for everyone and me having no one to lean on myself. I get tired of having to lean on the same 2 people all the time as i know they are probably tired of it too. I feel like i could just snap and lose it sometimes. My head swims with thoughts and questions. Most of them surround death and my mother and why. I need to be fixed.

I know this is a very raw and emotional post. I hope no one gets scared and runs away lol. I just needed to vent it out on paper (well on screen lol) and get it all out of me before i burst. I feel a little better now but this feeling of heaviness on my chest just isn't letting up. You know that feeling when you are trying not to cry and it makes your chest feel tight and heavy...yea...thats it. I need a hot bubble bath, a cup of hot tea, and a good book...yea...that will help!

Rough

So tomorrow is going to be a rough day. Phabian has school in the morning as usual but tomorrow is Drew's funeral. After Phabian gets out of school we are taking them to a friend and getting ready for the viewing at 11 and then the funeral at 2. It is going to be a long hard day for all of us. I met Drew before i even met my husband. I had no clue they were cousins till after we started dating. Drew was such a sweetheart and never had a bad word to say about anyone. I wish there were more people in this world like him. The world needs more people like Drew!

I just keep thinking about his little boy. His name is Joseph and they call him Jo Jo. I call him Cookie because when he was born, the first time i saw him i said, "He is so cute i could eat him in one bite like a cookie"! He had the sweetest little spot of brown hair on top his head that reminded me of one of those Hershey Kiss cookies. So i have called him Cookie ever since. He is such a Daddy's boy i hope he knows and will always know how much his Daddy loved him.

It makes me cry when i think about another baby growing up without his daddy. I wonder if he will be told what a good man his daddy was or if he will be left to wonder. I didn't know his mother too well and i don't know how good or bad his mom and dad got along. I just know that he deserved to grow up with his Daddy in his life and now he wont get to. It is sad but ultimately i know it was his time and God has a plan.

That in itself is very hard for me to admit. I was angry at God for a very long time after my Mom died. Like Drew my mom was a good person. She would have done anything for anyone and never thought twice about it. I remember thinking if their was a God why did he take the good people? Why did ones who did him justice, who proved that he was good have to be taken away? Why would he leave a 15 year old girl in this cruel world without the guidance of her mother? I remember thinking all of these things and more. I was angry for a long time and it wasn't until i had my first child that i came to peace with God and his plan. I realize that if i had not lost my mother my life would be so different. I would have never met my husband and i would have never given birth to these two beautiful boys. Sometimes i still ask God why but i think that my questions are rhetorical because i don't need to know why i just have to trust that it is the way things have to be in his plan. As hard as that is for me to accept.

So if you all can continue to pray for the family that is grieving the loss of a wonderful son, grandson, cousin, friend, nephew, father, and boyfriend. Pray for me that i may have the right words to comfort my husband and that God will help me deal with my emotions because only he knows that i am not good with this type of thing. Thank you all so very much!

Not So Happy Day

Our family is in need of prayers today. My husband's cousin died last night. It was very sudden and very unexpected. He was only in his early to mid 30's and had a wife a 1 1/2 year old son. After going to the ER yesterday morning complaining of back pain he was sent home. They gave him a few shots and a bottle of pain medication. Later yesterday he walked to the store and back home. They said he sat down to watch TV and just passed out. They were able to revive him but he passed away once they arrived at the hospital. I have not heard the final word but the doctors were pretty sure that it was a massive heart attack.

My MIL called me and told me and then i waited till Marcus got home to tell him. I spent a good deal of the time between finding out and telling my husband worrying about how i would tell him. This is a very very close cousin. They were best friends and very close. It has not hit him yet and he said that it probably wont til the funeral.

I ask that you all pray for Drew's family and ours as we move through this horrific time. Drew was such a kind soul and would have never hurt anyone. He was always the first to ask if you needed anything and always the first to help. If the old saying is true that "the good die young" than he was one of the good. He was a loving soul mate and wonderful father. He worked hard and too care of his family the best he could.

I am hoping this will be a call to my husband and i to get our health together. We don't eat right by any means as much as we may try and we don't get nearly enough exercise. My husband looked at me last night and proclaimed that he didn't want anymore fried foods in our house and i agreed. It scares the bajeeshus out of me that at anytime i could lose the love of my life. We do not know God's plans for us and it is scary. So if you could please send out prayers for the whole family.