....... Thats How I Feel Today

My head is just blank. It has been all day. I cant think straight. Even as i sit here writing this i have a gazillion thoughts all jumbled in my head making it very hard for me to get anything out. I hate when i get like this. I don't really know what it is but i hate it. It is almost like some weird for of ADD or ADHD brought on by stress or anxiety. I have been stressed lately and defiantly not feeling my best.

There seems to be a lot of death happening in my life. Ever time i turn around it seems that someone else has passed away and i just don't know how to deal with it. My mind doesn't comprehend death. I know that everyone says to trust in God and i do but i just don't understand his reasoning. I don't understand how making a mother suffer through a pregnancy knowing her baby will not live helps anyone! I don't understand how taking a mother from her 15 year old child helps anyone! I don't understand how taking a father from his 2 year old son helps anyone! I question these thing and at the same time i know there is a good reason behind it.

My heart and my head hurt right now. I am 22 years old and i have witnessed so much death. I know it is part of life and that is how it works. The minute we are born we start to die. I just don't know how to deal with it. My emotional growth and my ability to comprehend death stops at 15. I revert back into a shell and don't know what to say or do. I feel like i just want to sit in a corner and watch from afar. I don't like funerals or burials. Its not that i don't respect the process but it is hard to say goodbye even to those i didn't know very well. I have to learn...i have to grow...i have to get past this.

I know i need counseling. I do and i know it. I have for a long time. I never saw anyone after my mom died and that is also when i stopped taking the meds that i was on for prior depression. I know i need to talk to someone. I need to seek help. I am not suicidal or anything don't get me wrong i just need to vent. I need to scream at someone and let it all out. I am so tired of being the leaning post for everyone and me having no one to lean on myself. I get tired of having to lean on the same 2 people all the time as i know they are probably tired of it too. I feel like i could just snap and lose it sometimes. My head swims with thoughts and questions. Most of them surround death and my mother and why. I need to be fixed.

I know this is a very raw and emotional post. I hope no one gets scared and runs away lol. I just needed to vent it out on paper (well on screen lol) and get it all out of me before i burst. I feel a little better now but this feeling of heaviness on my chest just isn't letting up. You know that feeling when you are trying not to cry and it makes your chest feel tight and heavy...yea...thats it. I need a hot bubble bath, a cup of hot tea, and a good book...yea...that will help!

Tears

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to sit and cry. With no real reason or no explanation except that you just feel the overwhelming desire building inside you like a volcano and if you don't just let it out you might explode. Today is one of those days for me.

I think it has been coming for awhile. There are a lot of things on my mind and dealing with stress has never been my strong suit. Today i woke up to my husbands work calling. They ask him to come in, i am assuming, because someone called off. Now i don't normally have a problem with this especially it being this close to Christmas. We need all the money we can get and overtime is more than welcome. Today was just not the day that i needed him to say yes and rush off to save the day. I needed him home with me and the kids to possibly save the day here. The bottom line is he didn't even ask me if i minded that he spent one of his 2 days off at work or if i had plans today, he just told them yes and left. Well not just left, we fought! Neither of us made out points. I was too hysterically crying to even make sense. I said somethings i didn't mean and now i am feeling even worse.

Being a stay at home mom is stressful. Awhile back i wrote a post about all the things i do titled My Yesterday. In it i ranted about my husband and talked about all the things i do day to day as a SAHM. I try not to bitch and i try not to complain and then i end up exploding over something that shouldn't have been that big of a deal. I just feel like he could have ask me if we needed to do stuff today or if maybe i had plans for us. In actuality i did have plans for us. We needed to go to the grocery store as i really don't have anything to feed the kids for lunch. I has also promised the kids that their daddy was off today and we would do something fun as a family. So now i am hungry and disappointed that i lied to my kids. Now maybe things would be different if he had just ask me if i minded or showed some concern for the fact that i seemed quiet upset but the fact of the matter is he did neither, and it hurts!

Adding to the stress and my emotions is my pregnancy/non pregnancy/weird body. I take a pregnancy test every month because i no longer have a period due to my IUD (i know TMI). This is what my doc told me to do so that i could be 100% that i am not preggers. SO for almost 3 years now, on the 1st of ever month, i take a pregnancy test. Every month it is negative. Now most women out there know that taking a pregnancy test can be fun or scary but for me it is agonizing. I hate it and i dread it every month. I want more kids and i think a part of me every month hopes that it will end up positive and the logical part of me tells me that it isn't good timing. So every month when it comes back negative it is a little stab to the heart of hope. I said all of that to say this.

I took a pregnancy test on the 5th i was behind a few days than normal on taking it. In the little box the line that shows up to tell you if you are or are not pregnant wasn't there all the way but there was part of a very very light pink line. Almost like it was saying you might be but I'm not telling. So now i have to wait a week and take another one just to see if it was a dud test or if i am pregnant. Now my mind reels at the thought that i might actually be pregnant. Hubby and i agreed to wait til our youngest son is potty trained before TTC again. Plus i have an IUD in and they say that the chance of miscarriage if they remove it is high but if you leave it in they don't know what damage it can do to the baby. It scares the holy poo out of me. I want a baby but not this way.

So there is my stress. On top of needing about a billion dollars to pay all the backed up bills and feed the family with, i might be pregnant and my hubby is working on his day off (which yes i know is the answer to the money problems). I just feel like i am going to go insane and there isn't a branch on the tree to cradle my fall.