....... Thats How I Feel Today

My head is just blank. It has been all day. I cant think straight. Even as i sit here writing this i have a gazillion thoughts all jumbled in my head making it very hard for me to get anything out. I hate when i get like this. I don't really know what it is but i hate it. It is almost like some weird for of ADD or ADHD brought on by stress or anxiety. I have been stressed lately and defiantly not feeling my best.

There seems to be a lot of death happening in my life. Ever time i turn around it seems that someone else has passed away and i just don't know how to deal with it. My mind doesn't comprehend death. I know that everyone says to trust in God and i do but i just don't understand his reasoning. I don't understand how making a mother suffer through a pregnancy knowing her baby will not live helps anyone! I don't understand how taking a mother from her 15 year old child helps anyone! I don't understand how taking a father from his 2 year old son helps anyone! I question these thing and at the same time i know there is a good reason behind it.

My heart and my head hurt right now. I am 22 years old and i have witnessed so much death. I know it is part of life and that is how it works. The minute we are born we start to die. I just don't know how to deal with it. My emotional growth and my ability to comprehend death stops at 15. I revert back into a shell and don't know what to say or do. I feel like i just want to sit in a corner and watch from afar. I don't like funerals or burials. Its not that i don't respect the process but it is hard to say goodbye even to those i didn't know very well. I have to learn...i have to grow...i have to get past this.

I know i need counseling. I do and i know it. I have for a long time. I never saw anyone after my mom died and that is also when i stopped taking the meds that i was on for prior depression. I know i need to talk to someone. I need to seek help. I am not suicidal or anything don't get me wrong i just need to vent. I need to scream at someone and let it all out. I am so tired of being the leaning post for everyone and me having no one to lean on myself. I get tired of having to lean on the same 2 people all the time as i know they are probably tired of it too. I feel like i could just snap and lose it sometimes. My head swims with thoughts and questions. Most of them surround death and my mother and why. I need to be fixed.

I know this is a very raw and emotional post. I hope no one gets scared and runs away lol. I just needed to vent it out on paper (well on screen lol) and get it all out of me before i burst. I feel a little better now but this feeling of heaviness on my chest just isn't letting up. You know that feeling when you are trying not to cry and it makes your chest feel tight and heavy...yea...thats it. I need a hot bubble bath, a cup of hot tea, and a good book...yea...that will help!

Just To Write

This is a picture i took out of the car window on the way to Tennessee in April.

Ok so the kids are napping and hubby is sleeping on the couch, so i though i would take a few just to write about what ever comes to mind. I am off to Chelsie's baby shower here in a few. I am sure she will get lots of nice stuff. Makes me want another one even more lol. Baby showers are always so fun. A party about life and joy. Plus it is always just fun to get together with friends and have fun conversation and play child like games.

I really haven't been in the best of moods lately. I don't really know why i just haven't been feeling like myself. I am usually very talkative and fun but here lately i have just been very anti-social and BLAH. I think i really need to get out of the house more. We have been taking the kids to the park every evening after Marcus gets off work. Its started as us going to watch Chelsie's SD(step daughter) Jaylain during cheer practice but now it is more of a way to get me out of the house and the kids time to play and socialize. It helps a lot with my depression as most doctors say the sun is a natural anti-depressant. I just need to try and socialize some more. Maybe meet some people that i don't know and have a conversation. I am too safe. I need to push my own boundaries.

I have been thinking about my mom a lot lately. Maybe that is another reason i have been so down. I miss her so much everyday. Sometime i just wish i could call her up and talk to her. I wish i could hug her and tell her how much i love her. Most of all i wish she could see and play with my kids. If i could have my mom back for one day it wouldn't be about me. As much as i miss her i would get my hug and kiss and then step back to let her be with her grand babies. I know she would have loved them to the point of no return. She was the most amazing woman i have ever met. There wasn't anything she wouldn't do to make someone else's life a little better. She was also very crafty which is something i am not. She could make a sculpture out of nothing. Just some twine, ribbon, and a hot glue gun and there it was. A beautiful creation made with love. I wish i had that ability.

I read an email this morning that Chelsie wrote about her Angel Nadia. It still breaks my heart the pain that she went through. I miss her very much and i know in my heart that she is in heaven with my mom. We always joked with my mom that when she passed she would be the one to rock the babies in heaven. So i imagine her in a golden rocking chair with angelic music playing just rocking and singing to little Nadia. He Angelversary is coming soon. It is hard to believe she left us almost a year ago. Its also hard to understand how we can love someone so much that we only knew such a short time.

Well i guess i am going to have to stop this short since the boys just got up and i need to fix them lunch before i head off with Chelsie. Good bye for now.