How Did We Get Here?

No this is not a post about Evolution or God! This is just me trying to figure out how we got from this:

And this:

To where we are. As i go through this pregnancy knowing it is most likely my last i look at everything with awe and amazement. I have went from so excited on March 6th at finding out i was pregnant to almost the half way mark approaching on June 24th. It is flying by so, so fast. I almost wish i could slow it down so that i could enjoy it more.

Soon fall will be upon us and i will be holding a new baby in my arms. I know that things will only become more bittersweet as time goes by. It almost makes me break down and cry right now at the thought of the time flying by. I know that this baby, my bug, will grow fast.

Soon a year will pass and we will be celebrating all the firsts like sitting up, crawling, and walking. Then there will be a first birthday to plan and my newborn baby will quickly fade into toddlerhood.

I look at my boys and i ask myself what road led here. When did they get so big and so smart. They were just babies in my arms not to long ago and now they are both going to school and learning and exploring a world unknown to them.

I can recall the days when i laid in bed with Phabian all day long and had nothing better to do than take hundreds of pictures. I remember coming home with MJ and babying him for longer than i should have because i knew i would not hold an infant for a long time to come. And i am damn sure that this baby will be spoiled beyond belief and babied to no end.

It is bitter sweet as the time passes by so fast and i know nothing lasts forever. The sweet smell of baby will soon enough leave my home and the thought of that makes me want to scream out at the top of my lungs for the world to stop spinning and give me more time to enjoy my blessings.

I look forward to what the future holds but at the same time i want father time to slow down. I love watching all the new things my children learn and develop as they grow but i want them to be careful and not grow up too fast. This world is going to force them to grow fast and i am not sure any of us have a choice in that matter.

I just need to remember to breathe. Take in the scent of baby shampoo and bubbles! Take the hugs and kisses when they are offered! Hold them a little too long and file away their smiles in my mind forever. These moments will get farther apart as time flies on and one day i hope they understand why mommy wanted to hold them for that extra minute!

How Blessed Am I?

Just a note: My giveaway is still open and will be open for entries until May31st at 10 PM Eastern Time. Please make sure you get your entries in by then so you have a chance to win some beautiful things.
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Yesterday was a drab, cool day here. I was struggling to find the joy in the day. It was overcast and only in the mid 60's. Not what you think of when it is suppose to be the opening for summer fun.

I needed something to lift my spirit and smack some sense into me. I found just that in Megan's blog Fried Okra. Megan is such a beautifully elegant writer and i can only dream of being able to say things half as perfectly as she does.

Yesterday she posted about how blessed she is to have her family. And as i read through her words i began to cry.

How often do we forget to enjoy instead of complain? How often do we get caught up in our day to day struggles and forget that all that truly matter is that we are all here? How often do we struggle to find the sunshine amidst all the clouds?

Yesterday was that day for me. It didn't start out well at all. There were issues with money that, honestly, had both my husband and I in tears, the kids seemed to be feeling like that was the time to tear my house apart, it was cold and cloudy on a day when we needed it to be sunny and warm, and everything just seemed to be going down the proverbial drain.

After reading Megan's post it was like my spirit just lifted and i was looking at this impossible day differently. Her words about how blessed she was to have this wonderful family made me cringe in the fact that i hadn't thought about that all day long. I was too busy wallowing in my own self pity.

So i decided i needed to turn my attitude around and start looking for the good in my life.

First i spent a good 30 minutes hugging my husband and showing him the upside of our financial issue. We are by no means in a bad way. We are all fed, clothed, and want for nothing. We have a roof over our heads and shoes on our feet. My kids are not crying for anything because they have it all. God has blessed us to be able to make it past many struggles and this will be another.

We hugged and cried and told one another we loved each other. And in that moment i realized that i am so incredibly lucky to have a husband as devoted, strong, and willing to cry with me as my man is. I often find myself bitching at him instead of supporting him and i want that to change. He is a hard working man who loves his family more than life itself and i need to nurture that.

Later he surprised me by taking the kids to his Mom's and taking me to a quiet dinner just the two of us. Now before you go "saying i thought you were broke!", we figured out a solution even though it wasn't what I wanted to do. I trusted my husband and his opinion and we went with his idea for once.

Today i am working on loving every moment of my children still being children.

Motherhood is not easy by any means. Right now for instance i am pregnant, hot, hormonal, my patience is the size of a grain of sand, and my energy level is non-existent on most days, but do my boys care about all that? NO!!!

All they care about is Mommy's love and time. I want to try to give them as much of that as i can. They grow so fast and i feel like i have missed so much of that. I don't know where i was when they turned from infants to toddlers and now toddlers to preschoolers? What happened and where did all this time go!?!

It has been almost 5 years since we found out we were expecting Phabian. I remember carrying him those 37 weeks and cherishing the feeling of him moving inside me. I remember the joy on my husband's face as he held his son for the first time. I remember brushing my finger against his face when he was handed to me for the first time. I never knew that love could be that strong and that endless.

Here we are 4 years later and i couldn't imagine my life without him in it. He is perfect in every way. He is my joker. He loves to learn and question life as he sees it happen. He has grown so much. From a small 5 lb 10 ozs and 18 1/2 ins to a big 37 lbs and 40 ins tall. He is a daddy's boy but love attention from just about anyone. He smiles forever and i hope to remember that even on the worst of days.

It has been almost 4 years since we found out that MJ was on his way. I remember being so excited and at that same time terrified to figure out how i would handle 2 under 2. When we discovered he was indeed a he i was a little let down but quickly discovered that the love of 2 sons could never be replicated.

Marcus could not have been more excited to have 2 handsome sons and neither could I. We relished in that first year, knowing that we would not have another baby for quite some time. MJ has done some growing of his own. Form 6 lbs 2 ozs and 18 3/4 ins to a whopping 30 lbs and 35 1/2 ins tall. It seems like my time with him has flown by faster. My pregnancy didn't seem to last as long although it did by one week. His first year flew like a balloon losing air. And now he will be starting school in the fall??? When, why, how is this all possible.

I know that my time, come this fall, will be consumed mostly by caring for a newborn, but i do not want my boys to feel like they are losing their mommy. They will always hold such special and individual pieces of my heart. They are each uniquely different in their own special ways. Phabian playing golf with his Granddaddy and MJ a cuddle bug with his mommy. I am sure this new baby will fit right in with his/her happy family.

So today i am putting down my camera, and i am going to relish in creating some memories with my children. I want to remember the smiles on their faces and the light in their eyes. I want to capture in my brain forever the sunlight as it reflects off their sweet cherub faces. I want to cherish the sweet smell of pool water on their skin and the sound of the silly words that slip across their lips.

And when i tuck them into bed tonight i will pray that God will allow me another day to do the same. We are not promised tomorrow and sometimes we forget that. I want to make today my tomorrow and so forth and so forth. I want to take it all in and hold it in my memory and heart forever. I don't want anymore of these moments to pass me by.

What Does Today Mean To You?

In memory of all of the fallen Heroes that gave their life on this day and others to make sure our freedom was protected. THANK YOU!!!


Part of me can't believe that it has been 7 years. Another part of me feels like it was just yesterday. Still to this day i don't really know how i feel about what happened on September 11th 2001. My heart aches for those that lost a special someone on that day. My heart breaks for our country and how one violent act has thrown this country into a downward spiral of fear and loss. I can't get through this day without thinking about the song by Alan Jackson "Where Were You When The World Stopped Turning?".

I remember exactly where i was. It was my Sophomore year of high school. The year had barley got off to a start. I was in 2nd period and the day just happened to be Fine Arts Day. We were studying the Ancient Egyptian Pyramids. My Homeroom teacher, who happened to be a history teacher and a war buff, was right across the hall. At about 9:00am Mr. Weaver came running into our Fine Arts class and yelled "Turn on the TV we are being bombed". Those are not words you forget. We turned on the TV just in time to see the second plan crash into the second tower. I remember feeling this knot growing in my stomach. I did not know anyone in either of the tower nor in any of the planes, but i knew that what was happening was going to change the way we lived forever. Shortly after there came an announcement over the intercom that 4 planes had been hijacked and that we should not panic but go on with our day unless other wise instructed. I remember thinking how do we go on about our day like this hasn't happened. The day was anything but normal. Every class was distracted from daily work as we watched the towers fall. We watched people run, scream, and cry. An image that will forever be stuck in my head was the sight of people jumping in desperation from the buildings before they fell. I remember thinking how bad it must be, how scared you have to become to jump 50 or more stories just to try and survive an impending death. I remember one of my friends leaving school because her father was on a business trip in New York and her mother couldn't contact him. I think now looking back that everyone was scared to death. It was like the end of the world was coming and there was nothing we could do but sit there and watch as it all came crashing down on top of us. I left school early that day. I couldn't control my emotions and finally my teacher told me to call my dad and go home.

When i got home i turned on the TV and watched in disbelief as the news kept rolling. The other 2 planes that had crashed. The fire and police men missing. I watched until i couldn't watch anymore and fell asleep in tears. I remember the next days as we learned more about what happened. The real shock came when West Virginia learned that we were on the list of targets to hit. Because of our massive amount of chemical plants and our relative closeness to DC we were a target. My head swam with too much information. Too many what ifs. Not Many people know that Greenbrier County in the safe haven for the president. There is a tunnel that leads there from the White House should the president need to escape unknown. I remember being in fear that this wasn't over. That another attack would happen and this time it would strike closer to home.

I would hope that 7 years later we have more answers than we do questions but i don't think we do. I think our government has lead us in the wrong direction. Not in the beginning but on down the line our mission got obstructed. It angers me that we still don't have the one man totally responsible for this horrific time in our nation. It hurts that the families who will forever morn this day don't have a sense of peace that there loved one's killer, the man who masterminded this whole scheme, is no longer a threat. I hope that with a new president we will become focused once again on the real cause for being in the middle east and that our soldiers who died 7 years ago today and everyday over sea have not died in vain. I pray that God has mercy on the families of the fallen heroes of that day. The ones who came from all over to search for strangers in the rubble, the ones who helped a few escape while they perished, the ones who came to work that day ready for a boring day of fighting small fires or writing tickets to speeders only to die trying to save the victims of a unexplainable, senseless act of violence, the ones on the plane who fought back against these villains and save what might have been 100's of other people. I say thank you to them today. As we remember this day forever in a hearts and souls make sure to thank them for their service. Thank them for their heroic strength that aloud them to put others above their own safety.

I hope every one takes the time to remember today. Remember it all and feel blessed when you hug you children and husband/wife. Be thankful that they are with you as so many today will morn the loss of the ones they loved and no longer have. If September 11th 2001 taught us anything it should have taught us to love hard and never forget that we do not know what today holds for us. So make sure you leave nothing unsaid today. If you miss someone tell them, If you love someone tell them, if you need something ask, and if you feel there is something you have been putting off for to long waiting for the right time do it. You never know if today is your September 11th!

The Past

The most important thing about the past is that it is the past. You don't have to think about it if you don't want to or focus on it if it isn't important. We move on and although some memories of the past are worth the though some are not. I though today i would share some of the past with my present.

This is me as an infant. I look very small but i was 7lbs 2 ozs and 21 1/2 ins long. Born February 9th 1986 at 6:28 am.

This is me at 1. Wasn't i just adorable. Strawberry blond hair...blue eyes...wild child.

This is me at 2. So innocent looking. And yes it was just a look lol!

3 what a great age. Awww to only be 3 once again.

4...i wonder what i was like at that age...wish i could remember.

5...whats with the crushed velvet dress...ewwwwwwwwwww

My first dance recital, 1990, i was 4, Rags to Riches was the name of the show.

Me with a horse that was at the local mall for pictures. I loved horses when i was younger.

Me at 15 the summer after my mom died. Its amazing the pain that a smile can hide. And look how skinny i was. Man i wish i could go back and smack the 15yo me for thinking i was fat. Tell her to just wait 8 years.

My mom and dad before kids...it is amazing what kids will do for you appearance lol!

My mom when she was about 4 i think lol

My mom in Junior High School (Or middle school for some)

Me and my mommy when i was like 1. I miss her so much.

By far the most influential person in my life. My mommy!!!!! I miss her so very much. RIP mommy November 5 1947 - March 19, 2001. I Love You!!!!!!!!!!!

Time Flies (When Watching Kids Grow)

I was looking through the kids photo's today, which may i say i have a lot of, when i realized where did the time go? My babies aren't babies anymore. As an example i have a birth vs now photo shot.

This is Phabian as a newborn:

And this is Phabian now:

Now as i looked at these pictures i just stopped and tried to remember him as a baby. I found the memories so vivid and i relished in the fact he has gotten so smart and so big. At the same time i wondered how it is possible that my first born has gotten to be such a little man. When did this happen and how? I don't remember how we got here or when he grew up so fast.

MJ is also growing so so fast. He isn't my baby anymore. He still is a big mama's boy but he doesn't want to be as close anymore. He no longer wants as much cuddle time and he no longer insists on laying with me on the couch for a short nap. I miss it and i want it back *pout*.

Sometimes i wish i could just turn back time for a few moments and enjoy it more. I think as mom's sometimes we want them to hurry up and grow up and do this and walk and talk, and we don't just enjoy the time we have with them when they are small and want to cuddle with us. I miss my babies wanting to cuddle with me. I miss them snuggling their little head into my chest. I miss holding them while i fed them a bottle.

I think this is partly why i am so ready to have another one. I think about it and i don't know if i am ready for another one. No let me resay that you are never ready for another one but i don't think it is the right time to add to our family. I am just so missing the baby days.

Just To Write

This is a picture i took out of the car window on the way to Tennessee in April.

Ok so the kids are napping and hubby is sleeping on the couch, so i though i would take a few just to write about what ever comes to mind. I am off to Chelsie's baby shower here in a few. I am sure she will get lots of nice stuff. Makes me want another one even more lol. Baby showers are always so fun. A party about life and joy. Plus it is always just fun to get together with friends and have fun conversation and play child like games.

I really haven't been in the best of moods lately. I don't really know why i just haven't been feeling like myself. I am usually very talkative and fun but here lately i have just been very anti-social and BLAH. I think i really need to get out of the house more. We have been taking the kids to the park every evening after Marcus gets off work. Its started as us going to watch Chelsie's SD(step daughter) Jaylain during cheer practice but now it is more of a way to get me out of the house and the kids time to play and socialize. It helps a lot with my depression as most doctors say the sun is a natural anti-depressant. I just need to try and socialize some more. Maybe meet some people that i don't know and have a conversation. I am too safe. I need to push my own boundaries.

I have been thinking about my mom a lot lately. Maybe that is another reason i have been so down. I miss her so much everyday. Sometime i just wish i could call her up and talk to her. I wish i could hug her and tell her how much i love her. Most of all i wish she could see and play with my kids. If i could have my mom back for one day it wouldn't be about me. As much as i miss her i would get my hug and kiss and then step back to let her be with her grand babies. I know she would have loved them to the point of no return. She was the most amazing woman i have ever met. There wasn't anything she wouldn't do to make someone else's life a little better. She was also very crafty which is something i am not. She could make a sculpture out of nothing. Just some twine, ribbon, and a hot glue gun and there it was. A beautiful creation made with love. I wish i had that ability.

I read an email this morning that Chelsie wrote about her Angel Nadia. It still breaks my heart the pain that she went through. I miss her very much and i know in my heart that she is in heaven with my mom. We always joked with my mom that when she passed she would be the one to rock the babies in heaven. So i imagine her in a golden rocking chair with angelic music playing just rocking and singing to little Nadia. He Angelversary is coming soon. It is hard to believe she left us almost a year ago. Its also hard to understand how we can love someone so much that we only knew such a short time.

Well i guess i am going to have to stop this short since the boys just got up and i need to fix them lunch before i head off with Chelsie. Good bye for now.