How Did We Get Here?

No this is not a post about Evolution or God! This is just me trying to figure out how we got from this:

And this:

To where we are. As i go through this pregnancy knowing it is most likely my last i look at everything with awe and amazement. I have went from so excited on March 6th at finding out i was pregnant to almost the half way mark approaching on June 24th. It is flying by so, so fast. I almost wish i could slow it down so that i could enjoy it more.

Soon fall will be upon us and i will be holding a new baby in my arms. I know that things will only become more bittersweet as time goes by. It almost makes me break down and cry right now at the thought of the time flying by. I know that this baby, my bug, will grow fast.

Soon a year will pass and we will be celebrating all the firsts like sitting up, crawling, and walking. Then there will be a first birthday to plan and my newborn baby will quickly fade into toddlerhood.

I look at my boys and i ask myself what road led here. When did they get so big and so smart. They were just babies in my arms not to long ago and now they are both going to school and learning and exploring a world unknown to them.

I can recall the days when i laid in bed with Phabian all day long and had nothing better to do than take hundreds of pictures. I remember coming home with MJ and babying him for longer than i should have because i knew i would not hold an infant for a long time to come. And i am damn sure that this baby will be spoiled beyond belief and babied to no end.

It is bitter sweet as the time passes by so fast and i know nothing lasts forever. The sweet smell of baby will soon enough leave my home and the thought of that makes me want to scream out at the top of my lungs for the world to stop spinning and give me more time to enjoy my blessings.

I look forward to what the future holds but at the same time i want father time to slow down. I love watching all the new things my children learn and develop as they grow but i want them to be careful and not grow up too fast. This world is going to force them to grow fast and i am not sure any of us have a choice in that matter.

I just need to remember to breathe. Take in the scent of baby shampoo and bubbles! Take the hugs and kisses when they are offered! Hold them a little too long and file away their smiles in my mind forever. These moments will get farther apart as time flies on and one day i hope they understand why mommy wanted to hold them for that extra minute!

Busy Is My Middle Name

So i have been a busy girl lately and not in an interesting way. I have so much on my plate and no real jumping off place. I have just been feeling overwhelmed and under stimulated. Its like i have all these things to do, not enough time to do them in, and not enough energy or inspiration to do them. Anyone else feel like this sometimes?

Phabian's birthday is in a week. He will be 4!!! My baby, my first born, will be 4 years old! I, being the bad mommy i am right now, have neglected to plan a party. I dont know how i managed to let it slip my mind but some how we are now a week from his birthday and i have not planned a single detail or sent out any invitations. I know the when and the where i just dont know the how. The party will end up being at my house next Sunday as it is too late to rent anywhere else. I know he wants a Sponge Bob party and i plan on making the cake myself. I just dont know much of anything else. No clue what food to fix or what games to play. I feel like such a bad mommy!

Also this weekend i also have to have the cake ready that i meantioned yesterday. It has to be ready by Saturday. Phabian's cake has to be done by Sunday. I on top of this all have to work this week. I think i am having a hard time adjusting to the working Mom thing. My days go something like this:

Wake up at 7am and get Phabian ready for school.
Take Phabian too school, come home feed MJ breakfast.
Go back at 11 and pick Phabian up.
Come home and feed kids lunch.
Get them ready to go to daycare.
Get in the car and take them to day care at 1:30.
Be at work at 2 til 10.
Come home, eat dinner, take shower, collapse in bed!

I do this Monday through Friday! It is always non stop, go go go! I am not use to this. I barley see Phabian during the week and it breaks my heart. By the time the weeked rolls around i am so exhausted from the week that i dont have the energy to do much of anything. My house is a wreck because i havent been able to bring myself to clean. My kids are getting more and more mouthy and i feel like i am not discipling them as well or i am letting things slide when i shouldnt. I keep taking on new things knowing i really dont have the time to do them.

I am losing my SuperMom status. I need this job and i enjoy it. It is my time to be an adult away from kids and house work, but when does it cross a line. I dotn want to be that mom that never sees her kids and never has time to clean and when i do i am so pooped that i can barley open my eyes.

Then on top of all of it we are still doing the TTC thing. I was fine after Week 4 "Not Pregnant" and Week 5 "Not Pregnant" and Week 6 got me a little down. Week 8 made me sad and now at Week 9 i just want to cry! I know i am being impatient but darn it i want this. I wanted this a year ago but hubby talked me into waiting. "We" werent ready a year ago. I was but WE werent. Now i am just waiting and hoping! I know 9 weeks is a very short amount of time but i cant help but think how fat it happened for us before. It scares me and all i can do is pray that God will bless us soon before i lose my mind.

So i guess what this ended up being was me whining again! I am sorry guys as i know you get tired of it. I dont mean to be a whiny butt! I hope you all will hang in there with me till i have some good news. Plus i owe you all about 10 post i have been promissing forever. Add that to my list of things i need to do but dont have time to.

All Grown Up

I did some collages of the kids on Picnik. They turned out very well if i do say so myself. I think i might have them printed to hang on the wall or something. But besides that just look how much my babies have grown.


Phabian ranges in age from newborn to 3 1/2 here.

MJ ranges in age from newborn to 2 1/2 here.

They just grow up way to fast. I find myself trying to remember when they were babies and the memories (although captured in pictures) tend to dull over time. I wish i would have paid more attention to the details when they were babies. I miss it. I miss the cuddle time and holding them tight. Feeding them and having their full attention. They just grow too fast.

Results

Ok so i officially have the results of the paternity test. It has been a long few weeks and i am glad it is over. Marcus is officially NOT the father of the little boy. I cant even begin to tell you how relieved i am. You never will know how you truly feel about something like this until the results finally come in. I must say that my feeling in of overwhelming giddiness and joy. I don't know what i would have done if he was his father. I would have done my best to be a good step mom but i just don't even wanna think about the effect it would have on our family.

So i got the results yesterday. Hubby went to work and was suppose to go get the results when he got off work. When 3 rolled around and he wasn't home i called his work and he told me he knew he would be late so he had taken a break and went over and got them. He jokingly told me that he was not the father (which at the time i was not in the mood for jokes so i got a little snippy with him. That just isn't the type of thing you joke about). i felt relieved but a little upset that he didn't call me as soon as he got them and that he had told his colleagues before me. After the initial frustration of being the last to know i was overjoyed.

When he got home he went to call a friend of his and let them know the results and i pointed out that maybe he should call the boy's mother first before calling his friend (which is also a friend of hers). So he called her and told her that he had picked up the results early and that he was not his father. This was her response, "Um...Ok....Bye". WTF?!?!?!?!?! No, "I'm sorry for dragging your family through this". No, "well thanks for calling and letting me know". Nothing!!!!!!!! Just an "ok" and "bye". I mean really?!? You just put a crimp in my family for weeks and all you can say is "OK"? Needless to say i was a little dumb-founded but i am so glad we never have to speak to her again. Thank God that he let me keep my sanity these past few weeks.

So now that it is over with life can go back to normal. No more worries about paternity test and extra kids. No more discussion about baby mama drama (at least not on my end of the phone lol). I have to say that Chels is right. Never in a million years did i think that i would be going through a paternity test with a man that i know has been nothing but faithful to me. How many woman have to do a paternity test for a child that was conceived before they started dating their husband or boyfriend and the child is 4 already. I don't even want to go into what i think about someone who allows this to happen when it could have been taken care of 4 years ago (yes we offered her a test when the baby was born 4 years ago). So back to my normal life



THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What Does Today Mean To You?

In memory of all of the fallen Heroes that gave their life on this day and others to make sure our freedom was protected. THANK YOU!!!


Part of me can't believe that it has been 7 years. Another part of me feels like it was just yesterday. Still to this day i don't really know how i feel about what happened on September 11th 2001. My heart aches for those that lost a special someone on that day. My heart breaks for our country and how one violent act has thrown this country into a downward spiral of fear and loss. I can't get through this day without thinking about the song by Alan Jackson "Where Were You When The World Stopped Turning?".

I remember exactly where i was. It was my Sophomore year of high school. The year had barley got off to a start. I was in 2nd period and the day just happened to be Fine Arts Day. We were studying the Ancient Egyptian Pyramids. My Homeroom teacher, who happened to be a history teacher and a war buff, was right across the hall. At about 9:00am Mr. Weaver came running into our Fine Arts class and yelled "Turn on the TV we are being bombed". Those are not words you forget. We turned on the TV just in time to see the second plan crash into the second tower. I remember feeling this knot growing in my stomach. I did not know anyone in either of the tower nor in any of the planes, but i knew that what was happening was going to change the way we lived forever. Shortly after there came an announcement over the intercom that 4 planes had been hijacked and that we should not panic but go on with our day unless other wise instructed. I remember thinking how do we go on about our day like this hasn't happened. The day was anything but normal. Every class was distracted from daily work as we watched the towers fall. We watched people run, scream, and cry. An image that will forever be stuck in my head was the sight of people jumping in desperation from the buildings before they fell. I remember thinking how bad it must be, how scared you have to become to jump 50 or more stories just to try and survive an impending death. I remember one of my friends leaving school because her father was on a business trip in New York and her mother couldn't contact him. I think now looking back that everyone was scared to death. It was like the end of the world was coming and there was nothing we could do but sit there and watch as it all came crashing down on top of us. I left school early that day. I couldn't control my emotions and finally my teacher told me to call my dad and go home.

When i got home i turned on the TV and watched in disbelief as the news kept rolling. The other 2 planes that had crashed. The fire and police men missing. I watched until i couldn't watch anymore and fell asleep in tears. I remember the next days as we learned more about what happened. The real shock came when West Virginia learned that we were on the list of targets to hit. Because of our massive amount of chemical plants and our relative closeness to DC we were a target. My head swam with too much information. Too many what ifs. Not Many people know that Greenbrier County in the safe haven for the president. There is a tunnel that leads there from the White House should the president need to escape unknown. I remember being in fear that this wasn't over. That another attack would happen and this time it would strike closer to home.

I would hope that 7 years later we have more answers than we do questions but i don't think we do. I think our government has lead us in the wrong direction. Not in the beginning but on down the line our mission got obstructed. It angers me that we still don't have the one man totally responsible for this horrific time in our nation. It hurts that the families who will forever morn this day don't have a sense of peace that there loved one's killer, the man who masterminded this whole scheme, is no longer a threat. I hope that with a new president we will become focused once again on the real cause for being in the middle east and that our soldiers who died 7 years ago today and everyday over sea have not died in vain. I pray that God has mercy on the families of the fallen heroes of that day. The ones who came from all over to search for strangers in the rubble, the ones who helped a few escape while they perished, the ones who came to work that day ready for a boring day of fighting small fires or writing tickets to speeders only to die trying to save the victims of a unexplainable, senseless act of violence, the ones on the plane who fought back against these villains and save what might have been 100's of other people. I say thank you to them today. As we remember this day forever in a hearts and souls make sure to thank them for their service. Thank them for their heroic strength that aloud them to put others above their own safety.

I hope every one takes the time to remember today. Remember it all and feel blessed when you hug you children and husband/wife. Be thankful that they are with you as so many today will morn the loss of the ones they loved and no longer have. If September 11th 2001 taught us anything it should have taught us to love hard and never forget that we do not know what today holds for us. So make sure you leave nothing unsaid today. If you miss someone tell them, If you love someone tell them, if you need something ask, and if you feel there is something you have been putting off for to long waiting for the right time do it. You never know if today is your September 11th!

Time Flies (When Watching Kids Grow)

I was looking through the kids photo's today, which may i say i have a lot of, when i realized where did the time go? My babies aren't babies anymore. As an example i have a birth vs now photo shot.

This is Phabian as a newborn:

And this is Phabian now:

Now as i looked at these pictures i just stopped and tried to remember him as a baby. I found the memories so vivid and i relished in the fact he has gotten so smart and so big. At the same time i wondered how it is possible that my first born has gotten to be such a little man. When did this happen and how? I don't remember how we got here or when he grew up so fast.

MJ is also growing so so fast. He isn't my baby anymore. He still is a big mama's boy but he doesn't want to be as close anymore. He no longer wants as much cuddle time and he no longer insists on laying with me on the couch for a short nap. I miss it and i want it back *pout*.

Sometimes i wish i could just turn back time for a few moments and enjoy it more. I think as mom's sometimes we want them to hurry up and grow up and do this and walk and talk, and we don't just enjoy the time we have with them when they are small and want to cuddle with us. I miss my babies wanting to cuddle with me. I miss them snuggling their little head into my chest. I miss holding them while i fed them a bottle.

I think this is partly why i am so ready to have another one. I think about it and i don't know if i am ready for another one. No let me resay that you are never ready for another one but i don't think it is the right time to add to our family. I am just so missing the baby days.