A Thousand Words Thursday 4

It is very appropriate that today is A Thousand Word Thursday because i feel as if i could go on forever.

Today is the 8th anniversary of my Mom's passing. It is still so very hard to breathe. Just as much so as it was 8 years ago. I miss my mom terribly. She missed so much in my life. She wasn't able to be there for my high school graduation, my wedding, and the birth of my kids.

Although the pain numbs after the years it never fades completely. I have talked about her before on here and i am sure i will talk about her again. To those who read my blog this is probably nothing you haven't read before, but today more than any other i need to let it all out.

I was 15 when she passed away. She was admitted to the hospital on a Tuesday and died the following Tuesday. She had a highly malignant and fast growing brain tumor. When they found it that first day it was the size of a golf ball and by the time she passed it had consumed her whole brain.

We knew for awhile that something was wrong. It wasn't like she hadn't been sick for awhile. She had a heart attack in December followed by a stroke in January. She had a rapid decline, but the previous things did not signal what was ultimately wrong.

My Mom, who was a supreme cook, started to burn things. She would forget that things were in the oven baking and no one would know till we smelt it burning. She would forget to brush her hair or take a shower. This was not like my mom. These were things she just didnt do. I remember my Aunt Kay asking her one day is she had brushed her hair and her saying yea but i dont think i did a good job. She was almost like a child. I then remember my Aunt sitting her down in a chair and brushin gher hair for her the way she liked it. She sprayed it with my Mom's favorite hair spray and then dabbed on some of my Mom's favorite perfume.

I still have 2 bottles of that perfume that i keep safely tucked away in the back of the medicine cabinet. When i pass women on the street wearing it, it stops me dead in my tracks. that sweet smell will forever remind me of her and conjour images in my head of my mom hugging me so tight i couldnt breathe.

The day they admitted her i was in a big fight with my then best friend over this hoochiefied plaid dress. I remember it like it was yesterday, the memory dancing in my head. She had bought the exact same dress as me and it was a big no no. I was furious at her and we said some really hurtful things to one another and then just didnt speak.

I went to meet my Aunt who worked at the Cable office in the mall and that is when she told me the news. I remember her yelling at me because i was running later. Like i knew what was wrong or something and i had caused her to be late getting to the hospital. My ex with whom i had been with all day chased me down as i fled off in tears.

i remember collapsing in the side exit of the mall. I was crying so hard i couldnt breathe! I just laided there on the cold tile floor and cried into my ex's arms. My heart hurt so bad. At first i refused to go the the hospital. I was in denial that this could possibly be my life. My Ex, who is stilla great friend to this day, finally held me up and walked the 10 blocks with me to the hospital.

I remember talking about her being there for stuff like my graduation, my wedding, my furture kids. The Ex just kept saying to try and stay positive and that people beat cancer everyday. At the time i thought maybe it could be us. My Mom was a fighter and she could do this. She could beat the odds and over come this obsticle.

My Mom who was a great woman of faith had always told me that God answers prayers. So i started to pray. For the next 8 days i prayed so hard that my fingers hurt from being claspt so hard together. My knees ached from being on them for so long on the hard hospital floor. My eyes hurt from crying and begging God to spare my family this pain. But in the end God didn't answer with what i wanted to hear.

It took me a long time to realize that he did indeed answer. For a long time i felt like he didnt hear me or that he just didnt care. But he did hear me and the answer just wasnt what i wanted to hear. I wanted it to be my way when in reality it was never going to be me that made the final decision.

When they called us in to unplug the machines i could barly breathe. I, a 15 year old rebelious teen girl, crawled in bed with my comatose mother. I held her close and storked her hair. I begged her not to go. I begged her to hear me and to find some strength to fight. I wasn't ready for her to go. I wasn't ready for the pain or the healing.

After they assured us she was gone and the room went quiet except for the sound of tears and sobs, i clipped her nails and trimme dher hair. I kept a little piece of each which i have still to this day. I kept them so i would never for get. She had just stopped biting her nails a year earlier and was so proud of them. And my Mom at 53 had not one grey hair. Her hair was still a beautiful multicolored hue of alburn.

Then i collaped in the floor under the hand dryer and just let it all go. I cried for about an hour non stop. Nothing could calm the tears and the wild breaking of my heart. I remember my brother pulling me up off the ground when it was time to go. We hugged for the longest i ever remember hugging my brother. He was my rock that day. He held me up when i wanted to do nothing more than collapse and die.

Here i am now 8 years later and it doesnt hurt any less. I will spend a great deal of my day crying today. I would love any prayers that can be sent my way. I miss her so so much. I wish she was here to see how her daughter turned out. I wish she could play with my kids and meet my husband. I wish she would have been there for their births and the upcoming birth of our next child. I just wish i copuld hear her voice and tell her i love her one more time.

I am sure this was way more than a thousand words but thanks you. Thank you for reading and letting me share my story and my feelings with someone.

For more A Thousand Word Thursday visit Jen at Cheaper Than Therapy and leave the other participants some comment love!

Emotional Poetry

This is the poem i read at my Mom's funeral when i was 15. It was a hard thing to do but i am so glad that i did. I miss her so much and wish every day that she could be here with me and my children.

If I Could Give My Mom the World

If I could give my mom the world
Or anything she wanted,
I'd give her my own heart and soul
And leave my own heart haunted.
I'd take upon myself her life
With all its strife and pain,
And let her ease into some space
Where she could live again.

The pain for me would not be pain,
At least not for a while;
For I'd be doing it for her,
And I would see her smile.

I wish that I could take her heart
And cleanse it with my tears,
And make her sorrow go away,
And answer all her fears.

I wish, I wish, but then I can't,
As I watch helplessly,
And take her in my arms and say
I wish that it were me.

But loving is a hard, hard way,
With all the pain it brings.
And yet there is no other way
To touch the heart of things.

Nicholas Gordon

This is a poem that i wrote for my beautiful niece Nadia. I think about her all the time and wonder what she would be doing today. She would be turning 2 in August and even though i know she is in a better place, the selfish part of me would love for her to be here.

Untitled

Sweet child, you don't have to cry anymore

Sweet child, you'll get you wings and fly high above

Sweet child, your pain will be gone and your heart will mend

Sweet child, you don't have to worry

Your Mamas strong and she'll make it through the rain

And although the pain of you leaving will never fade

She will be able to make it through

All the while she'll be missing you

Sweet child, you know your Daddy loves you so

Sweet child, he is trying to get Mama through

Sweet child, you know you sisters talk to you

Sweet child they will always hold you close

Your family's strong and they'll make it through the rain

And although the pain of you leaving will never fade

They will be able to make it through

All the while they'll be missing you

Sweet child, we wish we could have know you more

Sweet child, we cant wait to see you grown

Sweet child, one day in heaven we will all meet

Sweet child, we just cant wait to see your smile

We are all strong and we will make it through the rain

And although the pain of you leaving will never fade

We will be able to make it through

All the while

Till we meet again

We will be missing you!!!

Thank you for allowing me to share this. It is going to be a hard week for me as it always is this time of the year. I will explain more later when i have more time. Thank you all for being there even if i never met you!

When Time Catches You

(This post was inspired by Mrs. Naz @ Becoming Me)

I often reminisce on the days when i had no children. The days when i was free to sleep till noon and leave the house without complications. Those were the days when i use to wear really cute, expensive outfits that made me look very sexy (not to mention they showed off my cute no pregnancy tummy) and I had hours to get ready before doing what ever it was that friends and i had planned.

I often remember the days of shopping with friends. The times when we would make a whole "day" of it. We would meet at 1 for lunch and then spend the rest of the day shopping and eventually end up eating dinner somewhere. I recall shopping beside the Crazy Lady with her Screaming Toddler! In my naive world, i remember making comments about the Crazy Lady to my friend. "Why doesn't she just make that brat stop screaming", "Girl she really needs to just bust that kids butt", "OMG!!! My kids will never act like this in public"!

If i had only taken the time and paid attention. She was doing everything she could. She was making threats, bribes, and promises. She was also remembering the days when she use to be child free and naive. She was begging in her head for a break to be with her friends and to take a shopping day with out kids screaming. She was wishing that she could just have 10 minutes to enjoy a chapter of a book without hearing Mommy and having to stop every 5 seconds. I should have paid more attention to the Crazy lady because i could have learned a valuable lesson.

Now the roles have shifted and time has passed. My once well dressed, mid-drift bearing self has been replaced by the Crazy Lady! I hardly ever make it out of the house looking cute! My normal outfit looks something like what most none child bearing women would wear to bed or to clean in. I always have a toddler that screams while i wait in line or push the buggy from aisle to aisle. My hair isn't straightened and highlighted with perfect precision. As a matter of fact, it is in a pony tail or bun and looks quiet messy as i probably forgot to brush it today.

I am the one watching and listening as people make faces at me while i am on the verge of tears because my 2 and 3 year old wont stop screaming. I am the one who is crying in her car after she buckles in the kids because she yelled at them. I am the one who drives them directly to McDonald's as her way of apologizing for screaming and making them the bad guys. I am the one who swears it will never happen again.

But it will! It will happen again and again. Because i am not a Crazy Lady...I am a Mom! I do not have brats...I have kids! And as a mom with kids i know that there will be another day sooner than later that my kids will pitch a fit in the middle of Wal-mart. I know i will lose my temper with them and scream because i am a wreck by the time we make it to the car. I will drive to the nearest fast food place that has a kids meal that includes a toy for my best apology effort. And what you childless people don't see is what happens next!


My kids will put their little arms around my neck and tell me the love me and that i am the bestest mom ever! In that moment i will forget all about the hectic trip to Wal-Mart. I will forget about the people who looked at me and rolled their eyes. In my world that is a good day. No one knows forgiveness like a child. They don't hold a grudge and they don't care to. They love me no matter what...even on those days when i am a crazy lady! Children are able to erase the worst day with a smile and a hug!

So for those of you who don't have kids...pay closer attention to the Crazy Lady because she is teaching you a valuable lesson. Her kids are also showing you and teaching you how life will work once you have kids. Pay close attention to the Crazy Lady and her Screaming Toddler because one day it will be you. Be nice to her so that maybe one day someone will be nice to you!

(And now for the great giveaways of the day!!! Mel @ A Box of Chocolates is giving away Custom Twitter Profile!!!)

Do You Believe In Magic?

I am a Christmas person. My Mom was a Christmas person and i think it is just embedded in my soul. I love everything about this holiday season (minus the shopping see Here for more details). When this time of year roles around i just get a flame that burns inside me. It makes me feel warm and i want to do things that i don't do everyday. I get on a baking high and nothing tastes better than warm cookies fresh from the oven and a cup of hot cocoa while watching some frilly Christmas movie. I love the lights that flicker and the carols i hear. I love what Christmas means! Family, fun, food, the birth of Jesus, giving, receiving, friendship!!! It is all so magical! It is a magic that only occurs once a year.


One month out of a whole year we get to feel like kids again. We get to talk about a magical old man who travels the globe in one night spreading joy and gifts to all. The story of Santa has always made me very happy. It is a story of a man who is so kind and generous that he spends all his time making and delivering gifts to those who deserve them. We all act as Santa this time of year. We give gifts to those we love and to young children who don't have a lot. One of my fondest memories of Christmas is the time my mom and i spent picking an Angel from the Angel Tree.

We always made a day of it. We would get up early and go to the local mall which is where the tree always was. We would get breakfast and then pick a name off the tree. We never shopped at the mall but we always just took some time to look around and see what they had. We would soon leave the mall and travel to somewhere for a small lunch. It usually was McDonald's because as a kid that was my favorite (Isn't it all kids favorite lol). Then we would go to Wal-Mart or somewhere of the sort. We would shop for my dad, brother, and other extended family while we were there. Then we would go to the toys and pick out a toy for the Angel we picked, then we would also go buy her some shoes and a coat. I remember these days to a tee and i could never replace those with anything.

I know now how it made my mom feel to watch us open our presents on Christmas and to know that she was helping another mother who couldn't afford to make her child smile. I know how special it is now and why it was so important to her that we pick an Angel. It is a tradition i would like to pass on to my kids. I know there is nothing more magical than the look on your child's face when they wake on Christmas morning and see the glistening wrapped boxes under the tree. The cookies missing from the plate and a half empty glass on the table gives the impression that Santa was there. The glimmer that radiates from their faces is enough to light a city all alone. For one day out of one year i feel like a kid again.

I still wake up on Christmas morning with a tingle in my tummy. I hop out of bed and run to the tree with my kids. I feel their joy as they rip off the paper and squeal with delight at the sight of a toy they had requested from Santa. I relive all my Christmases through my children and in a flash i see why my Mom loved Christmas so much. It is the only holiday that means so much. We teach our children about God and Jesus and we also allow them to believe in that Magic of Santa. For me i feel like this is it for them. When they get old enough they will know the truth about Santa and Christmas will be just another holiday that they expect a present for. Right now i want them to feel the Magic and Excitement. I want to see their fact light with happiness over a jolly old man in a bright red suit. Imagination only last so long and i don't want to stifle that to soon.

Several Things

Well i guess i have a lot to blog about. Not really a lot just several different topics. I have been very scatter brained lately and cant seem to focus on any one thing. Maybe it is a cooping mechanism or something. My brain just doesn't seem to want to cooperate with what i need to get done.

Ok so yesterday i had a rant about the paternity test and wanting the results. I did manage to get hubby to call about them but they have not got them back yet. The lady told him that because of the delivery system sometimes they don't get them on Mondays and to call back on Wednesday and check. They will have them no later than Friday and when they get them they will print us a copy and we can pick them up so we wont have to wait on them to be mailed out. That made me feel a bit better. After he got off the phone i explained to him how i am feeling about waiting on the results. The best way i can explain it is that i feel like someone has a gun to my head and i don't know whether they are going to shoot me or walk away. It is nerve racking. I guess this hit a chord with him and he felt bad (which was not my intent) but he got up and started cleaning the kitchen (which i had been bitching about for days now). When he finished the kitchen he went and cleaned our bedroom. It is the place where everything without a place ends up stacked, piled, and put in a corner. So needless to say it was a cluttered mess. He fixed it and cleaned it from top to bottom. I was so happy.

We had also go a book shelf from my dad's house that my mom had made for me when i was like 10. It is hand made and very simple but means a lot to me. We placed items like pictures and stuff on the top two shelves and then on the bottom shelf is all of my books (that i could find) and photo albums. It feels so nice to have something decorative in my house. Since we rent and not own i don't ever put a lot of effort into decorating. I seem to always be ready to pack up and move. I took a few pictures of the book case. Phabian just had to have a picture with it. We left the middle shelf empty for the kids books that Santa is bringing them. My mom's picture watches over us. The poem reads:

Home In Heaven

I'm safely home in Heaven,

though I know you miss me so.

The love I've always felt for you,

within my heart still flows.

My spirit will remain with you

every single day, appearing as a

rainbow or as ocean waves at play.

I'm in the gentle rains that fall,

and in the morning dew.

All you see that's beautiful

reflects my love for you.

I didn't mean to cause you pain,

my time had simply come.

The work that I was meant to do

on earth had all been done.

I'm safely home in Heaven,

where eternal peace is mine.

And where, when God has called you

too, I'll be forever Thine.

Bobbie Wilkinson

On to a dinner note lol. Last night i used a recipe that a girl from my parenting group gave me for quiche. I changed the ingredients to make it a turkey, bacon, and cheese quiche. It was so yummy. I took pictures cause it turned out so much better than the first one i made.

If anyone wants the recipe ask and i will post it. But i think i am done now. Its long enough for one day lol.

School Bound Boy

Well it is official. Phabian is a school student in a head start program. I am so very confused about how i should feel about this. On one hand my baby is all grown up and starting school. On the other hand i am so very excited for him to have this experience.

Phabian will start his first day of school on Tuesday, September 2, 2008. He will attend the morning session from 8am to 11:30am. We had a meeting this morning with the program coordinator and we also got to meet his teachers Ms. Angie and Ms. Kim. It all seems very nice. As i was finishing doing my paper work i could hear then saying the Pledge of Allegiance and singing along to a stretching song. They sounded so happy and excited. I hope Phabian has just as much fun as those kids.

I have faint memories of my first day of Kindergarten (as i did not attend any type of pre-k). I remember walking in holding my mom's hand. I was not a shy kid but meeting all of these people for the first time was very shocking for me. My mom was a stay at home mom starting when i was about 4. I always went to work with my mom before that. She was a social worker for a assisted living home. I never knew anything but the world she had created for me. I remember how the class was set up. It was split off into 5 sections. There was the sink, bathroom, and backpack holder in the front of the room. On the right behind that was the chalk board on the left was the computer area. Behind that on the right was a story telling space and on the left of that was the play area. There was a kitchen and lots of blocks, magnets, and books. By the play part of the room there was a big green door that led to the outdoor playground in front of the school. There were two doors other than that in the class room. One led into the hallway and the other into the first grade class room. All the class rooms were connected by a thin wall and a wooden door. It was a small school but very close knit. My teachers name was Mrs. Winefordner. She to this day is still my favorite teacher i ever had. I can only hope Phabian enjoys this as much as i did as a kid.

The only thing we pay for is lunches which are based on your income so we shouldn't pay much if anything. Because it is part of the Kanawha County School System it is considered public free education. It is the best thing ever that my boy can start school and be ahead of his class all because they offer this great free program. I just know that it will be wonderful. As long as i keep telling myself its only 5 days a week 3 1/2 hours a day. It will all be ok.