Crier, Crier Pants On Fire

I have always been an easy crier. I cry when i am overly happy. I cry when i am depressingly sad (or just sad in general). I cry when i am angry. I cry when i watch a movie. I cry when i read a story or a book. I cry when i see a picture. I cry for no reason what so ever sometimes.

Now before I get a comment about how i need medication and i am obviously depressed allow me to say i have always been like this. I am, in general, just a crier!

I am very empathetic and sympathetic (ever wonder why the root of both those words is pathetic?) towards others. I cannot hear someone else's story, be it happy or sad, without ending up in a mess of red faced, tear streaked glory. Sometimes i really don't know what to think about this.

It seems i am very in tune to not only my emotions but to everyone else's as well. I feel a persons joy, their anger, their sadness, their depression. Sometimes this seems like a curse as it gets very overwhelming to feel these emotions. I know i could never truly understand a grieving mother's pain or a cancer patients joy at beating the odds, but just being able to feel an ounce of that ton is more than i could ever take (i think at times, or maybe that just didnt come out right).

The whole point of this post is to tell you that right now i am on emotion overload. I, on top of being crier in general, am now a hormonal crier. This pregnancy has had me crying at least 5 times a day everyday. Usually having to do with a story i read or a movie i watch. Either way it seems i have had my fill this week.

It seems like no matter where i turn their is something sad happening.

It started with precious little Stellan going back to the hospital. I have prayed and prayed for this little man and it breaks my heart that he and his family have to fight this battle. I cry for him having to be so strong and brave at such a young age. I cry for him mother who has to be strong when on some days she just wants to scream at the top of her lungs. I cry for him siblings and father who want nothing more than for him to be whole and at home with them. Most of all i cry as i pray for God to take them all in his arms and protect them and heal them.

I cried this week because Mary Louise and David are home now after a long battle! I also cried because although they are home where they belong thier dear brother Kuylen is not their with them! It is heart breaking(for me to think about and i am sure for them to live with) to have two children thriving and still have to grieve the fact that their should be three.

And this morning just put the topper on my cake.

As i was reading through MomDot i found a link to Kambry's Light. I had never heard of this site but was forwarned by the post that i would probably cry. Yes i ventured on because apparently i enjoy making myself cry. This is a beautiful story about how a family is turning their loss into a great support for other women. When Barry and his wife found out the diagnosis of Trisomy 13 they felt horribly alone. They, however, took this time to figure out how they could help others to not feel so alone.

I cried a lot as i watched the slide show of beautiful Kambry. I cried even more as i read their story. Mostly i think i cried because i wish so badly that my sister had, had a place like this when she lost her angel Nadia. I wish she would have had someone who knew how she felt and was able to help her through those hard month leading up to and following Nadia's birth.

I have cried a lot this week. Both tears of happiness and sadness. Either way i am on an emotional overflow and dont think i can handle crying anymore. So in order to try and give you some joy in your day (after this rather depressing post) here is Greg from Telling Dad on how he feels about BlogHer '09.




P.S. I didn't go to BlogHer but have been reading all the posts about it. It seems some enjoyed and some didn't so either way check this out cause it is hilarious!

Tears

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to sit and cry. With no real reason or no explanation except that you just feel the overwhelming desire building inside you like a volcano and if you don't just let it out you might explode. Today is one of those days for me.

I think it has been coming for awhile. There are a lot of things on my mind and dealing with stress has never been my strong suit. Today i woke up to my husbands work calling. They ask him to come in, i am assuming, because someone called off. Now i don't normally have a problem with this especially it being this close to Christmas. We need all the money we can get and overtime is more than welcome. Today was just not the day that i needed him to say yes and rush off to save the day. I needed him home with me and the kids to possibly save the day here. The bottom line is he didn't even ask me if i minded that he spent one of his 2 days off at work or if i had plans today, he just told them yes and left. Well not just left, we fought! Neither of us made out points. I was too hysterically crying to even make sense. I said somethings i didn't mean and now i am feeling even worse.

Being a stay at home mom is stressful. Awhile back i wrote a post about all the things i do titled My Yesterday. In it i ranted about my husband and talked about all the things i do day to day as a SAHM. I try not to bitch and i try not to complain and then i end up exploding over something that shouldn't have been that big of a deal. I just feel like he could have ask me if we needed to do stuff today or if maybe i had plans for us. In actuality i did have plans for us. We needed to go to the grocery store as i really don't have anything to feed the kids for lunch. I has also promised the kids that their daddy was off today and we would do something fun as a family. So now i am hungry and disappointed that i lied to my kids. Now maybe things would be different if he had just ask me if i minded or showed some concern for the fact that i seemed quiet upset but the fact of the matter is he did neither, and it hurts!

Adding to the stress and my emotions is my pregnancy/non pregnancy/weird body. I take a pregnancy test every month because i no longer have a period due to my IUD (i know TMI). This is what my doc told me to do so that i could be 100% that i am not preggers. SO for almost 3 years now, on the 1st of ever month, i take a pregnancy test. Every month it is negative. Now most women out there know that taking a pregnancy test can be fun or scary but for me it is agonizing. I hate it and i dread it every month. I want more kids and i think a part of me every month hopes that it will end up positive and the logical part of me tells me that it isn't good timing. So every month when it comes back negative it is a little stab to the heart of hope. I said all of that to say this.

I took a pregnancy test on the 5th i was behind a few days than normal on taking it. In the little box the line that shows up to tell you if you are or are not pregnant wasn't there all the way but there was part of a very very light pink line. Almost like it was saying you might be but I'm not telling. So now i have to wait a week and take another one just to see if it was a dud test or if i am pregnant. Now my mind reels at the thought that i might actually be pregnant. Hubby and i agreed to wait til our youngest son is potty trained before TTC again. Plus i have an IUD in and they say that the chance of miscarriage if they remove it is high but if you leave it in they don't know what damage it can do to the baby. It scares the holy poo out of me. I want a baby but not this way.

So there is my stress. On top of needing about a billion dollars to pay all the backed up bills and feed the family with, i might be pregnant and my hubby is working on his day off (which yes i know is the answer to the money problems). I just feel like i am going to go insane and there isn't a branch on the tree to cradle my fall.