Thursday, March 19, 2009

A Thousand Words Thursday 4

It is very appropriate that today is A Thousand Word Thursday because i feel as if i could go on forever.

Today is the 8th anniversary of my Mom's passing. It is still so very hard to breathe. Just as much so as it was 8 years ago. I miss my mom terribly. She missed so much in my life. She wasn't able to be there for my high school graduation, my wedding, and the birth of my kids.

Although the pain numbs after the years it never fades completely. I have talked about her before on here and i am sure i will talk about her again. To those who read my blog this is probably nothing you haven't read before, but today more than any other i need to let it all out.

I was 15 when she passed away. She was admitted to the hospital on a Tuesday and died the following Tuesday. She had a highly malignant and fast growing brain tumor. When they found it that first day it was the size of a golf ball and by the time she passed it had consumed her whole brain.

We knew for awhile that something was wrong. It wasn't like she hadn't been sick for awhile. She had a heart attack in December followed by a stroke in January. She had a rapid decline, but the previous things did not signal what was ultimately wrong.

My Mom, who was a supreme cook, started to burn things. She would forget that things were in the oven baking and no one would know till we smelt it burning. She would forget to brush her hair or take a shower. This was not like my mom. These were things she just didnt do. I remember my Aunt Kay asking her one day is she had brushed her hair and her saying yea but i dont think i did a good job. She was almost like a child. I then remember my Aunt sitting her down in a chair and brushin gher hair for her the way she liked it. She sprayed it with my Mom's favorite hair spray and then dabbed on some of my Mom's favorite perfume.

I still have 2 bottles of that perfume that i keep safely tucked away in the back of the medicine cabinet. When i pass women on the street wearing it, it stops me dead in my tracks. that sweet smell will forever remind me of her and conjour images in my head of my mom hugging me so tight i couldnt breathe.

The day they admitted her i was in a big fight with my then best friend over this hoochiefied plaid dress. I remember it like it was yesterday, the memory dancing in my head. She had bought the exact same dress as me and it was a big no no. I was furious at her and we said some really hurtful things to one another and then just didnt speak.

I went to meet my Aunt who worked at the Cable office in the mall and that is when she told me the news. I remember her yelling at me because i was running later. Like i knew what was wrong or something and i had caused her to be late getting to the hospital. My ex with whom i had been with all day chased me down as i fled off in tears.

i remember collapsing in the side exit of the mall. I was crying so hard i couldnt breathe! I just laided there on the cold tile floor and cried into my ex's arms. My heart hurt so bad. At first i refused to go the the hospital. I was in denial that this could possibly be my life. My Ex, who is stilla great friend to this day, finally held me up and walked the 10 blocks with me to the hospital.

I remember talking about her being there for stuff like my graduation, my wedding, my furture kids. The Ex just kept saying to try and stay positive and that people beat cancer everyday. At the time i thought maybe it could be us. My Mom was a fighter and she could do this. She could beat the odds and over come this obsticle.

My Mom who was a great woman of faith had always told me that God answers prayers. So i started to pray. For the next 8 days i prayed so hard that my fingers hurt from being claspt so hard together. My knees ached from being on them for so long on the hard hospital floor. My eyes hurt from crying and begging God to spare my family this pain. But in the end God didn't answer with what i wanted to hear.

It took me a long time to realize that he did indeed answer. For a long time i felt like he didnt hear me or that he just didnt care. But he did hear me and the answer just wasnt what i wanted to hear. I wanted it to be my way when in reality it was never going to be me that made the final decision.

When they called us in to unplug the machines i could barly breathe. I, a 15 year old rebelious teen girl, crawled in bed with my comatose mother. I held her close and storked her hair. I begged her not to go. I begged her to hear me and to find some strength to fight. I wasn't ready for her to go. I wasn't ready for the pain or the healing.

After they assured us she was gone and the room went quiet except for the sound of tears and sobs, i clipped her nails and trimme dher hair. I kept a little piece of each which i have still to this day. I kept them so i would never for get. She had just stopped biting her nails a year earlier and was so proud of them. And my Mom at 53 had not one grey hair. Her hair was still a beautiful multicolored hue of alburn.

Then i collaped in the floor under the hand dryer and just let it all go. I cried for about an hour non stop. Nothing could calm the tears and the wild breaking of my heart. I remember my brother pulling me up off the ground when it was time to go. We hugged for the longest i ever remember hugging my brother. He was my rock that day. He held me up when i wanted to do nothing more than collapse and die.

Here i am now 8 years later and it doesnt hurt any less. I will spend a great deal of my day crying today. I would love any prayers that can be sent my way. I miss her so so much. I wish she was here to see how her daughter turned out. I wish she could play with my kids and meet my husband. I wish she would have been there for their births and the upcoming birth of our next child. I just wish i copuld hear her voice and tell her i love her one more time.

I am sure this was way more than a thousand words but thanks you. Thank you for reading and letting me share my story and my feelings with someone.

Cheaper Than Therapy

For more A Thousand Word Thursday visit Jen at Cheaper Than Therapy and leave the other participants some comment love!


4 Lettre Words said...

What an amazing post. Thank you for sharing, and know that you are in my prayers.

Abby said...

You just mae me cry. I am sorry your mom is gone. I love the first picture of her. So cute!

Andrea Frederick said...

Whew....what a story. I can't imagine going day to day without my mom. I'm so glad you have such great memories. Good luck on the rest of your day!

Faith - That's Just Freaking Lovely said...

What a beautiful but sad story. My dad passed away 4 years ago and I still miss him everyday!

Bree Shaw said...

that made me cry. i can not even imagine your pain. i still have both of my parents. my gpa died about 4 1/2 years ago. i totally know what you mean when you smell her perfume it stops you. i have smelled my gpas cologne and it stopped me dead in my tracks and all those memories came flooding back. i will be praying for you today. loves!

Miko's Girl said...

I am sorry for your pain. I will pray for you.

Noob Mommy said...

I'm so sorry that you had to lose your mother. This post was a wonderful, honest, and painfully touching tribute to her. I hope she reads it up there in heaven :)

Miss Jenn said...

whew. God bless your strength. i can't imagine living mother is precious to me. praying a little pray that the rest of your day will be covered in good memories of times spent together.

The Mom Jen said...

Precious post, I'm sorry your mom is gone, but hopefully your words expressed can continue to help you heal!

Amee Jones said...

How blessed to have great memories captured in pictures.

Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said...

Oh my word, you have moved me to tears. I can feel the love you have for your mother. I can also see how much you look like her, too, from your profile picture and from your WW picture.

She lives on in you.

*huge huge hugs and love today*

Laura McIntyre said...

First big hugs girl, i can only think how proud your mum would of been of you if she could see you now. You are an amazing mother and a wonderful friend , she would of been amazed at how your turned out.

I cannot imagine what you go through on a daily basis, the pain must be unimaginable. I am thinking of you today

NateAndJakesMom said...

Your mother would be so proud of you. I know that I would want a daughter to love me as much as you do your mother. Through tears I grieve for you. Stay strong.

Mom24 said...

Courtney, that's so beautiful. What a wonderful tribute to your mom. I think it's safe to say she'd be really proud of you.

I'm praying for you.

Juliana said...

I am SOBBING. I just found you through ATWT. MY post this week was about my little friend Jonathan who has a brain tumor. This post was absolutely beautiful adn I know she is looking down on you so very proud.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

What a beautiful tribute to your mom - ((HUGZ!!)) to you!

Robin said...

so very sorry for your loss....and pain.

Now I must go and get the tissue box.

Take care and may you and your beautiful family have the most wonderful weekend,

Shirliana said...

Oh Courtney - I'm so dearly sorry for you and all your pain. I have not lost my mother, but I fear that day like no other. You are a strong woman and I am amazed at your maturity and grace and your incredible outlook on life. I am proud to know even if it's just on our blogs. Your mom is still here - she is in the tender way you treat your children, the way you cook certain things and the way you operate your home. She lives on, like my sister lives on. I do not know your mom pain, but I have sister pain and that is hard too. Wherever they are - my sister, your mom - they ARE proud of the women we have grown up to be and what things we've done with our lives. Never doubt that. I don't.