Monday, February 9, 2009

A Letter To The 15 Year Old Me

{As a preface i would like to say that this was an idea that i am borrowing from Mrs. Naz @ Becoming Me. She wrote a beautiful letter to her younger self and i urge you all to check it out.}

{Edited Note: I wrote this several days ago and have been putting off publishing it as it is very raw emotion for me and i didnt know if i wanted to put this down for all to read. I did though and i hope that you all enjoy it}

Dear 15 year old me,

There is so much i would say to you if i could see you today. You are so young and so naive. You can not foresee the immediate future and you will ultimately wish you could. A lot of things will happen to you over this next year not many of them good. You will cope with them in not so great ways, but then again if i could just give you a few words of advice maybe it will all be for the better.

It is February 9th 2001! You turn 15 today. Mom is still recovering from her heart attack and i know you keep hearing a lot of talk coming from your Aunts that something doesn't seem quiet right. It doesn't matter!!! Be with your mom! Spend ever second you can with her. Forget going to that party you have been begging to go to, and forget about desperately needing to go out with friends to buy a new pair of jeans. Forget wanting to spend your birthday with that person you are head over heels in love with! Spend it at home with your family. Let your mom cook you your favorite meal. Its the same one she has been cooking for you your whole childhood and she has it memorized by heart. Allow her this day to be your mom. Don't be angry and don't throw a fit. Your family needs to be together.

It is March 19th 2001 and this will from here on be known as the worst day of you life. Eight days ago your mom was picked up by the police who were alerted by her doctor that she needed to be brought to the emergency room immediately. You remember that day because it is the day that you got in a fight over a dress with you then best friend Jessica. This will lead to months of you guys not talking and her spreading rumors that will eventually end the friendship. Over those 8 days you find out that your mom has an inoperable brain tumor in the middle of her brain and that it is highly malignant. There is nothing the doctors can do. You mom slips into a coma and you spend day and night praying that this is all a bad dream. March 19th 2001 the 8th day will be the day that your father will pull the plug. She is no longer there but that doesn't make this any easier. You will crawl in the bed with her and hold her and cry until she stops breathing. I wish i could be there now to hold you and reassure you that it was all going to be ok.

From here on you will make a lot of bad decisions. You will cope with your pain and anger in ways that will only do more harm than good. Every decision you make from here on out will be based upon the pain you feel deep down inside. You will hold your father responsible for a long time. It isn't his fault. You need him more now than ever. Don't push him away but instead pull him closer. He needs you as well. He needs you to tell him you need him. He didnt cause your mom's death and you cannot be mad at him for it. Turn to him when you need comfort because he loves you more than you will ever know.

Please i am begging you, go to school! Dont let the pain and anger consume you. Your mom wanted you to accomplish your dreams. She wanted you to be that nurse or doctor that you told her so many times you wanted to be. She wants to see you go to Penn U or North Carolina. Do it because of her and because she taught you well. Do it because your dad wants to see you excel. He needs to know that he can help you get through this and come out on the other side a success. Do this because you can!

Ignore the ignorant people who have nothing better to do than talk about you. They are going to say a lot of hurtful things. They are going to spread rumors and call you names. Let it all go and realize that they don't truly know you. They don't see your heart and soul. It doesn't matter if you dress in cheap clothes and it doesn't matter if you are gay or straight or bisexual, and it surly isn't any of their business if your mom died. What matters is how you feel and how you act. You are strong but even the strongest people need someone to lean on.

Make amends with friends who have caused you pain. Also reach out to new people. Soon you will meet someone who will become your best friend for life. She is the best person you will ever know and even though you will have your ups and downs she will be the one in the end who will stick through it all with you and come out on the other end as a shinning star. She is a miracle in your life and will be someone who you can rely on as will you to her.

Please realize that love at your age isn't forever. Although there are rare occasions of high school sweet hearts making it forever, the chances are not good. However enjoy the time you have with this love affair. Only time will tell and realize that everything you do will eventually come back to haunt you. No secret gets left untold. So don't do anything that you wouldn't want to come to light.

You are a beautiful, smart, funny, caring person and you deserve to have a great life. Do what you know is right and not what is cool or "IN". You know the difference and you are capable of being a leader instead of a follower. Dont let others persuade you to follow the path of least resistance. Charge head first into the challenges in life and dont look down till you know you have conquered them. You can do anything you put your mind to and I promise it all works out in the end. Your life in the future is bright and is everything you have ever wished for. Keep pushing your own path and i will see you again soon.

Love always!
23 Year Old You

1 comment:

Brittany said...

I read this and cried my eyes out. This was absolutely the most beautiful thing I have ever read. I hope you don't mind me stealing this idea. Gosh that was such an amazing letter!!!