Saturday, August 22, 2009

Jesus Take The Wheel

I cannot get this song out of my head. I have it on repeat on my computer. I just sit here crying and listening to it. The words say so much of what i want to say right now. I just want to scream out to God to take the wheel because i can't drive this car anymore.

My head is spinning, I am overwhelmed!

I never expected to get a break when i had kids. Honestly when i had Phabian i never even thought i would need it. I thought i would be SUPERMOM! I would do it all and never complain.

I would wash the dishes and clean the house. Make the beds, wash, and fold the laundry. Feed, bathe, and coddle the kids. I would have dinner hot and waiting on the table when my perfect hubby came home from a hard days work. I would sing and kiss the kids goodnight all with a smile on my face!

I would never be too tired or to frustrated. I would never scream or yell. I would never ignore or try to escape for a few moments of silence. I would not be THAT mom.

Because THAT mom is not SUPERMOM.

She was the one in the store with the screaming toddler out of control. She was the one who looked like she hadn't had a good nights sleep in years. She is the one who's house is disorderly, with dishes piled beside the sink waiting to be washed. With mounds of laundry way past needing to be done. With trash over flowing from the bin because she is too tired to take it out. She is the one who collapses into bed and prays that tomorrow will be different. She also prays for patience and sanity, compassion and forgiveness.

I was never, EVER going to be THAT mom!

Guess what???

I am THAT mom!

I am begging for a break. I am praying to God to help me. I spend many days yelling instead of loving. I go to bed at night hoping that tomorrow will be just an ounce better than today or yesterday. I pray that i will have patience and can keep it together. I cry because i am so frustrated and exhausted.

There is so much that needs to be done and often i spend the day looking at it all overwhelmed and just too exhausted to get it all done. Dinner is never on the table when my husband gets home from work. The laundry is always piled up and the dishes often go undone.

The beds are never made and often i just want to forget that i even got up out of it.

What i have realized through all of this and thanks to many other bloggers is that i am not alone and that the REAL supermom is the one who gets up every morning and does it even when she doesn't want to or know how to.

I am not perfect and for that matter i don't know if perfect exists. I try and that is all i can do most days. I have good days and bad. I complain and i bitch but in the end holding those beautiful kids in my arms and knowing that they love me despite my imperfections is enough to get me out of bed in the morning.

I still need a break. I need a day to myself. I need to breathe. But until i get that then i will do what i can and life will go on.


Lisanne said...

You are *sooooo* not alone. I wish that I could be that supermom. And honestly, there are some people I know who give off that supermom vibe ~ but I bet that they have issues going on, too. I'm sorry, Courtney. Any chance you can have a day to yourself sometime? I appreciate you blogging about this because you capture the way that I feel a lot!

Megan (FriedOkra) said...

OH NO MA'AM. You are not alone. You're in some fantastic company (if I do say so myself, ahem.) We ALL feel that way, I promise you. Two days this week I walked around all day with a lump in my throat, feeling like I might cry at any moment, because I was just. so. tired. In need of a break. A few hours to myself. Someone to do something that might qualify as someone else taking care of me for a change. Yes. I get it. It comes and goes, I think. I feel like the luckiest woman alive one day and the next I feel like a complete drudge - like the person life (God) forgot.

I have learned to (on occasion) ASK. For that moment, those few hours, a delicious slice of being cared for. And when I ask, I receive. The asking is tough - I'm a proud woman, I hate admitting I can't do it all. But I can't. And admitting it to God, and to my husband and friends is something I've had to LEARN to do over time. I'm still learning.

Bless your heart, you ask too. Ask until someone says yes and helps you. I promise you deserve it and you'll feel better when you let your guard down and ask.

Vanessa said...

Not much to say, other than I love that song :)

staci said...

A girlfriend of mine sent me the link to your blog and I just wanted to say that it touches a cord with me. I too often wonder when the popcorn will get vacuumed off my floor or when the sheets will get changed or when I'll figure out what is for dinner. I also know that if I lived with God in my everyday life like I should those burdens would be taken off my shoulders, it's just really hard for me to live like that. BTW yours boys are SOOOO handsome!

Adventures In Babywearing said...

We all feel this and know this oh so well... I hope you are feeling encouraged today.


Laura McIntyre said...

Personally i think you are supermom and i bet your boys would agree. You don't have to be perfect to hold the title , perfection is overrated in my books.

Parenting is so hard , husbands go to work and don't understand what it is like to be in charge of children every moment your awake. Its even harder being pregnant , your entire being is keeping the baby fed and happy and you can never be alone.

i hope you get a break Courtney

Margaret said...

I soooo remember those days and weeks and months when my kids were little. I found another mom in the same situation and once a week we would trade babysitting. On Tuesdays I would take her kids for 3 hours in the morning and on Thursdays she would take mine. It was perfect. The kids played with each other, even the babies rolled around together and knowing that I would have 3 hours to myself was heaven. There were Thursdays where I would just drive down to the end of the street, park and take a nap or read. I know this is long but I cannot stress how fast the time will go. It seems like those days were last year and in reality my youngest will be off to college in 11 months. Where did it go? They will be gone before you know it. Hope you get a break!