I cannot get this song out of my head. I have it on repeat on my computer. I just sit here crying and listening to it. The words say so much of what i want to say right now. I just want to scream out to God to take the wheel because i can't drive this car anymore.
My head is spinning, I am overwhelmed!
I never expected to get a break when i had kids. Honestly when i had Phabian i never even thought i would need it. I thought i would be SUPERMOM! I would do it all and never complain.
I would wash the dishes and clean the house. Make the beds, wash, and fold the laundry. Feed, bathe, and coddle the kids. I would have dinner hot and waiting on the table when my perfect hubby came home from a hard days work. I would sing and kiss the kids goodnight all with a smile on my face!
I would never be too tired or to frustrated. I would never scream or yell. I would never ignore or try to escape for a few moments of silence. I would not be THAT mom.
Because THAT mom is not SUPERMOM.
She was the one in the store with the screaming toddler out of control. She was the one who looked like she hadn't had a good nights sleep in years. She is the one who's house is disorderly, with dishes piled beside the sink waiting to be washed. With mounds of laundry way past needing to be done. With trash over flowing from the bin because she is too tired to take it out. She is the one who collapses into bed and prays that tomorrow will be different. She also prays for patience and sanity, compassion and forgiveness.
I was never, EVER going to be THAT mom!
I am THAT mom!
I am begging for a break. I am praying to God to help me. I spend many days yelling instead of loving. I go to bed at night hoping that tomorrow will be just an ounce better than today or yesterday. I pray that i will have patience and can keep it together. I cry because i am so frustrated and exhausted.
There is so much that needs to be done and often i spend the day looking at it all overwhelmed and just too exhausted to get it all done. Dinner is never on the table when my husband gets home from work. The laundry is always piled up and the dishes often go undone.
The beds are never made and often i just want to forget that i even got up out of it.
What i have realized through all of this and thanks to many other bloggers is that i am not alone and that the REAL supermom is the one who gets up every morning and does it even when she doesn't want to or know how to.
I am not perfect and for that matter i don't know if perfect exists. I try and that is all i can do most days. I have good days and bad. I complain and i bitch but in the end holding those beautiful kids in my arms and knowing that they love me despite my imperfections is enough to get me out of bed in the morning.
I still need a break. I need a day to myself. I need to breathe. But until i get that then i will do what i can and life will go on.