I had huge body image issues. I remember people (especially guys) telling me how beautiful i was and how unique and special i was. It just didn't add up for me.
When i looked in the mirror i saw a girl who was too wide in the hips and had thunder thighs plus a bubble butt. My nose was crooked, my eyes were a boring green/hazel, my lips were not full or plump, I had no exotic look of some of my friends, and i was not the perfect size 2, blond haired, blue eyes, well dressed, preppy girl. I, in my reflection, was plain Jane. There was nothing special about me.
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At the time i tore this picture apart. I had a fat role on the back of my neck, my nose was too big, my eyes too far apart, my lips to pouty. You will not find a picture in the bunch that shows below my chest as i thought i was so fat. I was at my skinniest in years here in a size 8 and 160 lbs.
I hid my pain and insecurity behind a ton of makeup, revealing clothes, and a "I'm the Stuff" attitude. I had just about any boy or girl i wanted wrapped around my finger. I could fool anyone with my "I'm Hot and Sexy" attitude. Everyone but me! I felt empty. I felt alone and sad. As much as i tried to hide it i was insecure and vulnerable.
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I felt alive, i felt rejuvenated, and most of all i felt beautiful. Maybe it was the act of giving life and bringing it into the world. Maybe it was the fact that I had a husband who adored me and wouldn't dare even think of looking at another woman. Or maybe it was just a maturity i had never known before taking over me.
After the birth my body changed. I had stretch marks on my belly, i was heavier than i had been in years, and my body was anything but normal. But i was a mom! When i held that baby in my arms i knew i was perfect and that he saw nothing but beauty and perfection when he looked at me. Somehow i knew it too! I knew i was special and wanted and beautiful in all my stretched out, flabby glory!
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I still have my days where i think i am fat or my self image slips, but to counteract that i have 2 handsome boys and a husband that remind me how beautiful i am. I will never be a size 2 as i don't think it is even in me to be that small. I will always be stripped by stretch marks to remind me of the lives i have brought into this world. I will never be a blond haired, blue eyes, preppy girl, nor will i be an exotic beauty.
What i will be is the beautiful girl with the crooked nose, normal lips, green/hazel eyes, boring brown hair, wide hips, thunder thighs, bubble butt, strech marks, and flab. The things is that now i don't mind. I embrace who i am because if i don't who else will. I love me for me and i understand that i am the only person like me. No one else will ever take my place and that is exactly how i want it.
A big thank you to Nell @ Casual Friday Everyday for allowing me to piggy back her post today and inspiring to give myself a look over today and tell myself how beautiful i am. Thank You!
2 comments:
Such a beautiful post, Courtney. Motherhood has a way of making us feel alive and beautiful. And you are!
Nell
I think I need to do this...take a step back and really look at myself ya know ?
I may copy you later and do my own version of this post. I hope you don't mind !!
You inspire me so much.
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