Chaos Is Us

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Yesterday was a drab, cool day here. I was struggling to find the joy in the day. It was overcast and only in the mid 60's. Not what you think of when it is suppose to be the opening for summer fun.

I needed something to lift my spirit and smack some sense into me. I found just that in Megan's blog Fried Okra. Megan is such a beautifully elegant writer and i can only dream of being able to say things half as perfectly as she does.

Yesterday she posted about how blessed she is to have her family. And as i read through her words i began to cry.

How often do we forget to enjoy instead of complain? How often do we get caught up in our day to day struggles and forget that all that truly matter is that we are all here? How often do we struggle to find the sunshine amidst all the clouds?

Yesterday was that day for me. It didn't start out well at all. There were issues with money that, honestly, had both my husband and I in tears, the kids seemed to be feeling like that was the time to tear my house apart, it was cold and cloudy on a day when we needed it to be sunny and warm, and everything just seemed to be going down the proverbial drain.

After reading Megan's post it was like my spirit just lifted and i was looking at this impossible day differently. Her words about how blessed she was to have this wonderful family made me cringe in the fact that i hadn't thought about that all day long. I was too busy wallowing in my own self pity.

So i decided i needed to turn my attitude around and start looking for the good in my life.

First i spent a good 30 minutes hugging my husband and showing him the upside of our financial issue. We are by no means in a bad way. We are all fed, clothed, and want for nothing. We have a roof over our heads and shoes on our feet. My kids are not crying for anything because they have it all. God has blessed us to be able to make it past many struggles and this will be another.

We hugged and cried and told one another we loved each other. And in that moment i realized that i am so incredibly lucky to have a husband as devoted, strong, and willing to cry with me as my man is. I often find myself bitching at him instead of supporting him and i want that to change. He is a hard working man who loves his family more than life itself and i need to nurture that.

Later he surprised me by taking the kids to his Mom's and taking me to a quiet dinner just the two of us. Now before you go "saying i thought you were broke!", we figured out a solution even though it wasn't what I wanted to do. I trusted my husband and his opinion and we went with his idea for once.

Today i am working on loving every moment of my children still being children.

Motherhood is not easy by any means. Right now for instance i am pregnant, hot, hormonal, my patience is the size of a grain of sand, and my energy level is non-existent on most days, but do my boys care about all that? NO!!!

All they care about is Mommy's love and time. I want to try to give them as much of that as i can. They grow so fast and i feel like i have missed so much of that. I don't know where i was when they turned from infants to toddlers and now toddlers to preschoolers? What happened and where did all this time go!?!

It has been almost 5 years since we found out we were expecting Phabian. I remember carrying him those 37 weeks and cherishing the feeling of him moving inside me. I remember the joy on my husband's face as he held his son for the first time. I remember brushing my finger against his face when he was handed to me for the first time. I never knew that love could be that strong and that endless.

Here we are 4 years later and i couldn't imagine my life without him in it. He is perfect in every way. He is my joker. He loves to learn and question life as he sees it happen. He has grown so much. From a small 5 lb 10 ozs and 18 1/2 ins to a big 37 lbs and 40 ins tall. He is a daddy's boy but love attention from just about anyone. He smiles forever and i hope to remember that even on the worst of days.

It has been almost 4 years since we found out that MJ was on his way. I remember being so excited and at that same time terrified to figure out how i would handle 2 under 2. When we discovered he was indeed a he i was a little let down but quickly discovered that the love of 2 sons could never be replicated.

Marcus could not have been more excited to have 2 handsome sons and neither could I. We relished in that first year, knowing that we would not have another baby for quite some time. MJ has done some growing of his own. Form 6 lbs 2 ozs and 18 3/4 ins to a whopping 30 lbs and 35 1/2 ins tall. It seems like my time with him has flown by faster. My pregnancy didn't seem to last as long although it did by one week. His first year flew like a balloon losing air. And now he will be starting school in the fall??? When, why, how is this all possible.

I know that my time, come this fall, will be consumed mostly by caring for a newborn, but i do not want my boys to feel like they are losing their mommy. They will always hold such special and individual pieces of my heart. They are each uniquely different in their own special ways. Phabian playing golf with his Granddaddy and MJ a cuddle bug with his mommy. I am sure this new baby will fit right in with his/her happy family.

So today i am putting down my camera, and i am going to relish in creating some memories with my children. I want to remember the smiles on their faces and the light in their eyes. I want to capture in my brain forever the sunlight as it reflects off their sweet cherub faces. I want to cherish the sweet smell of pool water on their skin and the sound of the silly words that slip across their lips.

And when i tuck them into bed tonight i will pray that God will allow me another day to do the same. We are not promised tomorrow and sometimes we forget that. I want to make today my tomorrow and so forth and so forth. I want to take it all in and hold it in my memory and heart forever. I don't want anymore of these moments to pass me by.