Friday, February 5, 2010

In Complete Contrast....

To my previous post.

I need to escape. Sometime i feel it deep down when i have had enough. When we have these days where the kids wont listen and the baby just cries and i just shut down.

I need to get away. I want to shut the door and run as fast and as far as i can. I want to breathe! Take deep breathes in and out and in and out. I want to just look off into a sunset and not have to worry about tomorrow.

I need a break. A break from bills. A break from the day to day. A break from my kids and my role as a mother. I need a break from the role of the strong wife who lets the world take a ride on her shoulders.

I need time for me. Something that is mine and only mine. That is why i loved my job so much. Not because i made a lot of money. Hell i barely made anything. I loved it because it was mine. I got a few hours away from the role i play everyday. I got time to have conversations that had nothing to do with dinner plans, wiping butts, or paying bills. I could talk about anything or nothing at all, and i did often.

I need silence. I want to sit in front of a fireplace and read a book and not be interupted 20 million times. I want to sip my coffee as i sit on the porch and watch the snow fall. It is so quiet when the snow falls. The silent sound of the car's wheels slowly crunching across the snow covered streets. The way the early breaking light bounces off the snow. It is pure bliss.

I just want a life outside of my family. I love my kids and my husband more than anything in this world. My heart aches when i think about them not being here in my life. But my heart also aches when i think of the things i can not do or can not make time to do. I want to be happy and whole.

I use to think that all i needed was love from my family but i am beginning to understand i also need time for me. Time where it is just me and a book or me and silence.

I dont know if i should publish this. I have been sitting here thinking about it for awhile. I guess i will just hold my breathe and take the plunge. If i feel it someone else in this world must also.

6 comments:

Mom24 said...

I think everyone feels this way from time to time. I hope you can find some time away, soon and regularly. This is why it's the hardest job you'll ever have. (hugs)

Alexandra said...

oh I completely understand!!! You have to have that time to recharge and just be by yourself. I hope you get it! :)

Lisanne said...

Courtney, it's *so* brave of you to put this post "out there." And I know that I have definitely had some of those same feelings sometimes. I think that most mothers have. It was hard being away from the kids for six days last month when they went to IN, but also it was a very good break for me to recharge, get some rest, etc. You *do* need your own space, your own life, time for you and your own interests. I hope that you can find a way to get some kind of a break. Wouldn't it be nice if your hubby (or someone) took the kids for an entire weekend?

My Happy Family said...

Courtney,
I think us mothers all understand your words, and can sympathize with you. I know I can!!! But the little things make it worth it in the end... It's just a matter of hanging in there, day after day.

Hugs -- and just know you're not alone! :)

Adventures In Babywearing said...

It's good you shared, because we all feel like this. Last night I went to the bathroom with the door LOCKED. And I felt like I could stay in there forever. Sometimes it's too much. And if you can't express it, admit it, it feels even bigger.

Steph

casual friday every day said...

I feel this almost every day. Some days more than others. Being a stay at home Mom of little ones is the hardest job in the whole world!

Nell