Life Moves Along (In Which I Ramble)

So life is chugging along as normal. Kids are growing, and Hubby is working. Life is moving on.

I cleaned out my reader yesterday. It was cluttered and full. I had 1000s of unread post and a ton of blogs that i havent even looked at in over a year. So i did what i needed to do. I earsed a lot of the blogs on my list and then did a mass delete of post so i could start fresh. I woke this morning with only 52 blog posts to read through.

Sometimes this whole blog thing runs away with me. I get so caught up in other people stories that i want nothing more than to read through a blog day in and out. I spend far too much time sitting at the computer. I just feel at home behind this screen. I feel like people know me and understand me here.

Real life can be cruel and people can be rude and uninteresting. Here in the blog world there is always a story to read. Always a person you can relate to. And despite the occasional rude person everyone can get along on the most basic levels of human need. We build communities and friendships that we would have never found just down the street.

I have been deep into a lot of books. I just finished The Secret Life Of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. It was a beautiful story of how the human body and soul needs someone to believe in. How sometimes the truth can be worse than not knowing at all. How we all in the end have the same fear of not being loved.

I just started reading Dear John by Nicholas Sparks. It is good so far but i am only about 30 pages in. The main character (the boy lol) reminds me a lot of myself as a teen. Looking for purpose. In and out of trouble. I have a feeling this book is going to be a great read.

I have been in laundry mode for 3 days now. Our washer had broke about a month ago and so the only time we could get laundry done was on Hubby's day off at his Mom's when we didnt have anything else we were suppose to do (which isnt often). We had so much backed up laundry that when we did go to my MIL's we only had time to do the essentials which left a lot of other stuff needing to be washed. Now that we finally got a new washer (and dryer) i have been stuck doing laundry for days. It really kind sucks.

I have also been trying to get the house in order. We were planning on moving but that is a whole other post unto itself. So i have been cleaning inbetween folding and washing and dying drying. I bought a new Dyson Vacuum (not the ball as so many peple ask) and it is the new highlight of my day lol. I am amazed at how much dust and crap my old vacuum missed. It has a washable filter which is a big money saver and a huge plus.

I am sick of the snow! Plum fed up to my scalp with white puffiness. It has snowed at least 3 days a week for what seems like forever. It warms up just long enough to melt the last fallen snow before the next storm comes through and blankets us again. I feel like i am stuck in a snowglobe and once a week a head strong child comes through and turns it upside down dumping a ton six inches or more all over again. The kids miss 3 days make up one on what should have been a off day (Presidents Day) and then miss 3 more. At this rate they are never going to see a Summer break cause they will still be making up snow days.

On a brighter note Spring is just right around the cornor. With it comes the hope of warmer weather, bright blossoms, fruity smells , and soft breezes. We can end this cabin fever and emerge ourselves in the beauty of nature.

Phabian will be 5 in a little over 2 weeks and i dont think i am ready for it. I am not ready for my first born to be a number that sounds so grown. He will be starting a whole new phase in his life soon and i cringe at the thought of him not being my little baby/toddlers/preschooler. He corrects me now if i call him a little boy. He says he is a big boy and it breaks my heart.

Oh yea my birthday was the 9th. I treated myself with hubby's money got treated to a complete day to myself. I got my hair cut and styled, my nails manicured and polished, my body massaged (oh yea it was as good as it sounds), and the was taken to a movie (The Lovely Bones which i dont think i would have liked as much if i hadnt read the book first). It was a crazy day. I had my favorite lunch, a ruben from Penn Station. That was a late lunch which is why we didnt go out to dinner.

My sister had her party (her birthday is the 14th) (Yes Valentines Day and yes it sucks for her just as bad as most Christmas babies) on the 11th. We ate at the best Sushi place in town with a bunch of friends and then went out to a pub and had a few drinks. It was a great night.

V-Day was nothing real special. Hubby had to work although he did call me from work to tell me he loved me and Happy Valentines Day. When he got home he had bought me a beautiful bouque of yellow roses. I have pictues that i will try to share eventually.

The baby has been sick for the last few days. His little nose is stopped up because he hates the sucker and he cant breathe real good. So it has been a few nights of hell torture crying loving my cuddle bug so he can fall asleep. I really do feel bad for him and i wish there was mroe i could do. We have been putting Johnsons Baby Vapor in his bath and it helps a little but i really just wish this weather would warm up so all this sickness can leave us all.

Also i have a feeling Sione' is teething. Phabian and MJ both had there first tooth pop through around 4 to 5 months and i tell you what Sione' is drooling like a St. Bernard. He drools all over you, himself, and God's green earth. It is rediculous. And that might also be the cause of some of his waking at night.

Anyways i think i have rambled on enough. How i have missed just sitting down to write a post. Blabbing on like no body's business. If you made it this far you are great cause i probably would have given up about 3 paragraphs back lol.

Sione' - 3 Months

Pumpkin Butt,

You are 3 months old! THREE! I cant quite tell you how fast these 3 months have gone. I still feel like it was just yesterday that you arrived but yet it has somehow been 3 months.

You are so aware now. Your birght eyes searching your world. Filled with joy and love for all people and new things. I love your unguarded nature. You are happy with anyone who will have you. You trust so willingly that no one would do you harm and i admire that in your young soul.

You are sleeping through the night now. We have established a bedtime routine. We take a nice bath around 10, followed by a nice massage. This is your favorite part not including your bottle. That is something else new this month. You have started taking a small bit of rice cereal in your night time bottle. You love it so much you suck it down in an instant.

You are usually fast asleep by 11 and dont wake most of the time til 8 or 9. You are also still taking 2 or 3 naps through the day. Never more than an hour or an hour and a half. You are too nosy to sleep for to long. You enjoy sitting up and viewing your world.

Your new favorite person is your brother Phabian. He loves to talk to you andyou just eat it up. You laugh and coo when you hear his voice and it just brings me such joy to see you enjoy and admire your older brothers. You love to look on as MJ shows you his cars and even allows you to hold one in your lap on ocassion.

It has been a busy busy month but things are going wonderful. Sometimes i feel like we are still in the "newborn" haze and will wake up one day to find a toddler running around. You are growing so fast and i just am sitting back savoring every minute of it.

Love Always

In Complete Contrast....

To my previous post.

I need to escape. Sometime i feel it deep down when i have had enough. When we have these days where the kids wont listen and the baby just cries and i just shut down.

I need to get away. I want to shut the door and run as fast and as far as i can. I want to breathe! Take deep breathes in and out and in and out. I want to just look off into a sunset and not have to worry about tomorrow.

I need a break. A break from bills. A break from the day to day. A break from my kids and my role as a mother. I need a break from the role of the strong wife who lets the world take a ride on her shoulders.

I need time for me. Something that is mine and only mine. That is why i loved my job so much. Not because i made a lot of money. Hell i barely made anything. I loved it because it was mine. I got a few hours away from the role i play everyday. I got time to have conversations that had nothing to do with dinner plans, wiping butts, or paying bills. I could talk about anything or nothing at all, and i did often.

I need silence. I want to sit in front of a fireplace and read a book and not be interupted 20 million times. I want to sip my coffee as i sit on the porch and watch the snow fall. It is so quiet when the snow falls. The silent sound of the car's wheels slowly crunching across the snow covered streets. The way the early breaking light bounces off the snow. It is pure bliss.

I just want a life outside of my family. I love my kids and my husband more than anything in this world. My heart aches when i think about them not being here in my life. But my heart also aches when i think of the things i can not do or can not make time to do. I want to be happy and whole.

I use to think that all i needed was love from my family but i am beginning to understand i also need time for me. Time where it is just me and a book or me and silence.

I dont know if i should publish this. I have been sitting here thinking about it for awhile. I guess i will just hold my breathe and take the plunge. If i feel it someone else in this world must also.

Those Eyes

I am reading a book. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold which as most know has been made into a movie. I don't know if i have a desire to see the movie but i am thoroughly into the book. This is why i like fiction books. Sometimes they make you think. Think about things and situations you might never experience. They make you see things from a different point of view.

This book has made me think a lot. Things change over time. We change over time. We grow older, become wiser, love harder, fall further. And sometimes one tiny event can change and sculpt our whole lives.

As i read further into this book i think often about my Grandma and how it must have felt for her to watch her child leave this earth before her. I do not know this pain, although i recognize all to many people do. I also think about my sister Chelsie and how it hurt her more than anyone could have ever expressed when she said goodbye to her little angel. I hope to never experience this pain.

As i watch the characters in this book and how their lives are all shaped and transformed by the death of their daughter/sister/friend/neighbor it reminds me all to well that life is priceless and we are never guaranteed another day.

I look deep into the eyes of my children and husband i try to picture them not in my life. All i can get it an empty void. A hollow place in my heart that the meer thought of brings on a teary blur in my vision. I can not fathom my child not coming home from school or not waking up in the morning. I dont want to think that anything of this nature could ever touch our family. But alas we are not immune to life and its twists and turns.

All we can do is live each day to its fullest. Love with all of our heart. Shed all of our locks and chains and let anyone in who wants in. If they hurt us all we are left to do is pick up the pieces and start over again.

Life is a long journey of laughs, heart aches, smiles, tears, bright lights, and dark cornors. It all in the end, if we follow the path chosen for us, and learn the lessons along the way with an open and grateful heart, leads to a fuller, happier, more love filled life.