Apprehension

This Friday, in 5 days, i will be attending a girl retreat, for 3 days, with a bunch of friends.

There is 10 of us who have rented out a cabin in North Carolina.

There will be wine, mixed drinks, food, a fire, a hot tube, probably snow, and definitely good conversation.

There will not be men, kids, drama, yelling, screaming, fighting, or saying no a million times a day.

However, i am feeling a bit of anxiety and apprehension about going.

Hubby gave me the ok and go ahead a few months ago when the trip was first being planned. He has taken the whole weekend off to have a boys time while i am gone. He plans on having fun with his kids and enjoying the time off.

I am happy for him. He works so much and he deserves time off to spend with his kids. However i am still nervous and apprehensive.

The last time i went out of town for 4 days i came back to some bad news. Phabian had almost drowned. Yes everything turned out great in the end and no one was harmed in the long term, but it still doesn't help the fear i have of leaving my kids again. That was the first time i had ever left my kids for more then 24 hours. And something terrible almost happened.

Here i am leaving again. This time for 3 days. Really not even that. We are leaving Friday around 10 am and will be back probably around 6 pm Sunday.

I am nervous. Sick to my stomach with anxiety. I keep trying to tell myself it is all ok. Nothing is going to go wrong this time. I deserve a break and i shouldn't be so worried about taking the opportunity. I just don't want my fear and apprehension to interfere with me having a great time.

I need to come to terms with the fact that my kids will be ok with out me. Their Dad is very capable of taking great care of them. But in the back of my mind i wonder if he is feeling as nervous as i am. Is he thinking about the last time like i am? Does he doubt his ability to keep the kids safe? I don't. It is just my over protective mommy instincts that whisper to me at night, "no one can take care of then as good as you", "no one can keep them as safe as you", "no one can comfort them like you".

Then i wonder if my kids remember when i went last summer for 4 days. I mean i know Sione' doesn't but do MJ and Phabian remember. Will they be upset when i leave. Does Phabian trust that he will be safe while i am gone. It is just frustrating to  have these things circling in my head.

I DO know that my husband is more then capable of taking care of our kids. I DO know that he wouldn't let anything happen to them as long as it can be avoided. I DO trust him with all my being. BUT it still doesn't stop the anxiety.