In Which I Say Nothing

I really wish i could come to you today with a cute story about what the kids have done today or a inspiring tale of some deep learning or knowledge, but today is not going to be that day.

Today has just been one of those days where i feel lost. Not only when it comes to what to blog about, but just about everything.

I thought i was getting over my sickness/Bronchitis from last week but in all actuality it just went from Bronchitis to a Sinus Infection.

I don't know about you but i can deal with a cough much better than i can deal with a clogged up head. Everything is foggy and it is like i am trying to think and instead i just sit here with this blank look on my face.

Prime example of my groggy, foggy head.

Earlier around 2:30:

Phabian: Mama! Mama can i have something to drink?

Me: Sure honey. What do you want to drink water or milk?

Phabian: Can I have chocolate milk?

Me: Yea just give me a minute.

An hour later:

Phabian: Mama! MAMA! I thought you were gunna get me some chocolate milk.

Me: I am honey i ask you to hold a minute.

Phabian: I been holdin forever!

I finally realized my few minutes had turned into almost an hour. I felt horrible. I really did not realize that an hour had passed.

I wish i had some great excuse for my neglect but no. I was just sitting at the desk staring at a half empty email box.

This is how it has been all day.

My head is hurting. I can not bend over because it makes my whole head throb (which is going to make bath time fun). My nose can not or will not stop running/stuffing/being raw from blowing.

I JUST WISH I COULD GO TO BED!

Dear God,
Please let 8 hurry up and get here so i can put my dear, sweet, forgiving children to bed. And if you can find the time could you please make the echo in my ear drums stop.

With All The Appreciation I Can Muster,

Courtney

Blah!!!!

I am sick! The kind of sick that makes you want to not leave your bedroom. Just lay in bed with a trashcan in reach. Yea that is me today. I started feeling a little nauseous at work last night but finished out the work and came home and passed out. I woke up about 2 hours later with that twisted feeling in my belly. Needless to say it wasn't pretty for the rest of the night. Now i am exhausted and want to do nothing more than sleep.

Hubby had to work at 6am so i had no choice but to get up with the kids. Which we didn't wake up til 8:30 so Phabian didn't make it to school. Which i guess i don't really care as i was not going to be able to walk him over there anyways and him and MJ have been all snotty and coughing too. I am hoping i will feel better by 2 today so i can go to work but if not i guess it will be home for me. I don't think making a food product, when you are sick, that thousands of people are going to eat would be a good idea anyways.

So i am just going to try and sleep for awhile when i lay the kids down for a nap and i think a trip to the doctor is in order. Cross your fingers and pray that it isn't the flu cause i cant handle that right now plus that kids haven't had the shot this year (i now bad mom right here).

Hope everyone else is feeling way better than me today. Oh yea and just to add this in there, i am not going to be doing as much random posting. With job outside the house, kids to take care of, and exhausted mommy syndrome i don't have time for random. I will try to post as often as possible and maybe throw some random in there when i feel up to it. I hope someone will miss me lol!

....... Thats How I Feel Today

My head is just blank. It has been all day. I cant think straight. Even as i sit here writing this i have a gazillion thoughts all jumbled in my head making it very hard for me to get anything out. I hate when i get like this. I don't really know what it is but i hate it. It is almost like some weird for of ADD or ADHD brought on by stress or anxiety. I have been stressed lately and defiantly not feeling my best.

There seems to be a lot of death happening in my life. Ever time i turn around it seems that someone else has passed away and i just don't know how to deal with it. My mind doesn't comprehend death. I know that everyone says to trust in God and i do but i just don't understand his reasoning. I don't understand how making a mother suffer through a pregnancy knowing her baby will not live helps anyone! I don't understand how taking a mother from her 15 year old child helps anyone! I don't understand how taking a father from his 2 year old son helps anyone! I question these thing and at the same time i know there is a good reason behind it.

My heart and my head hurt right now. I am 22 years old and i have witnessed so much death. I know it is part of life and that is how it works. The minute we are born we start to die. I just don't know how to deal with it. My emotional growth and my ability to comprehend death stops at 15. I revert back into a shell and don't know what to say or do. I feel like i just want to sit in a corner and watch from afar. I don't like funerals or burials. Its not that i don't respect the process but it is hard to say goodbye even to those i didn't know very well. I have to learn...i have to grow...i have to get past this.

I know i need counseling. I do and i know it. I have for a long time. I never saw anyone after my mom died and that is also when i stopped taking the meds that i was on for prior depression. I know i need to talk to someone. I need to seek help. I am not suicidal or anything don't get me wrong i just need to vent. I need to scream at someone and let it all out. I am so tired of being the leaning post for everyone and me having no one to lean on myself. I get tired of having to lean on the same 2 people all the time as i know they are probably tired of it too. I feel like i could just snap and lose it sometimes. My head swims with thoughts and questions. Most of them surround death and my mother and why. I need to be fixed.

I know this is a very raw and emotional post. I hope no one gets scared and runs away lol. I just needed to vent it out on paper (well on screen lol) and get it all out of me before i burst. I feel a little better now but this feeling of heaviness on my chest just isn't letting up. You know that feeling when you are trying not to cry and it makes your chest feel tight and heavy...yea...thats it. I need a hot bubble bath, a cup of hot tea, and a good book...yea...that will help!

My Morning So Far

OK i know that sounds great right. Its only 9am here and i have already had a rather exciting if not aggravating morning. Lets start from the beginning.

At 5am i woke up to Phabian kicking me in my back. At some point during the night (and this is every night) Phabian crawled in the bed with me and my husband got up and went to sleep on the couch. Then i woke up at 6am with one kid on each side of me leaving me a small space in the middle of the bed to try and sleep for the remainder of what should have been 2 hours (since my kids normally get up about 8 when they are in bed with me and hubby is at work). This plan must have not been in the stars. At 6:45am i hear Phabian screaming and crying and i hear my husband lay him back down in our room with our peacefully sleeping (MJ) son. Phabian proceeds to cry for the next 15 mins (all because he wanted some milk and daddy wouldn't get up to get him some even though he would have went right back to sleep if he would have just given him the milk)(not to mention hubby had to be at work at 8 anyways so he needed to get up). So i fly out of bed after it finally wakes me and MJ up and get them both some milk. I was pissed. He could have just got his lazy ass up and fixed the milk. Phabian would have crawled back in bed with me and MJ and went right back to sleep til 8 or so. Needless to say in my cranky half asleep manor i yelled at my husband. I instantly felt bad not because i yelled at him but because the kids saw me yell at him so i went an apologized so the kids would see the right thing to do.

So as if that wasn't bad enough this was the rest of my morning:

Phabian: Mommy i have to poop!

Me: Well then go to the bathroom baby.

Phabian: I can't the door is locked!

Me: No it's not Phabian it is just stuck, pull harder. (sometimes our door gets stuck at the top)

Phabian: No mommy it's locked.

So i proceed to go over and try and turn the knob. Sure enough he had locked it from the inside and then shut the door behind him when he came out this morning. So this is what it looked like.

Not fun to do at 8:30 in the morning when you were already mad.

On top of it all MJ is in a mood this morning. I took the sheets off of their beds (which they only sleep in for a matter of maybe 6 hrs a night before they are in bed with us) to wash them and MJ threw a fit. He screamed, cried, and threw himself on the bed. When i tried to calm him down he backed into the corner and told me to get away. I then saw a beautiful opportunity to Photography his mood which on camera looks kinda sad but he really was mad.

I just wanna go back to bed...hopefully nap time will come early today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life Is Like a...

I bet most of you can finish that quote for me. It really seems to be true here lately. No matter how hard you try it seems you never know what day to day life will bring. Most of you that know me from my parenting group and in day to day life know what is going on with me and my family right now. You know that things are a bit confusing but hopefully that will work itself out soon. That isn't what i am choosing to blog about today. As a matter of fact i am trying to put that as far out of my mind as possible.

I just haven't felt right for days now but today i am seemingly on a uphill run. i didn't get much sleep last night but i woke up this morning a felt great. Marcus went to work at 7 and MJ and I walked Phabian to school at 8. We came home and had some fun. We played a game on the computer with a monkey (which he loves). We were going to bake cookies but decided to wait on Phabian to get home to do that. I have been smiling a lot today. It feels good to be able to smile.

At this point in my life where i am a proud mother to two handsome boys and a wife to a loving husband i feel like the only other thing i have to brag about it the great friends i have. Most of them being in my Yahoo Parenting group. I have been with these ladies for almost 3 years (some of them longer since they were in another group i was in). They really have became part of my reality. I talk to them daily as i do my real life friends. I express my sympathy if they are going through problems as they do to me also. Some days they truly are my sanity and the only ones who will understand what i am feeling. Without these ladies i don't know if i could make it through some days without breaking down.

That is what friendship is all about. Helping each other through the good and the bad. Being there even if it means just lending an open ear. Giving input when you have BTDT and have some advice to help. I truly am blessed with some of the best friends anyone could have. Even in they are miles away these friends have never judged me and they have always been there. I love ya girls.

I am also blessed with another best friend, a sister, who i love with all my heart and would do anything for. We have had our good and bad times with each other, and we have been through it all together. When things seem to grave to overcome we life each other up so that we can go just one step further. She is a rock for me and i for her. There is nothing in this world i wouldn't do to make her life just a tad happier (well except maybe leave my husband and hurt my kids lol). She is the best, most real, and most honest friend one could ever ask for. I love you Chels.

My husband is also my best friend. He is and always has been a constant pillar for me to lean on when i am weak. I love him and i do not know what my life would be without him in it. I admire how we have been together for 4 years and married for almost 4 and we barley even fight. I love that he can still make me crack and smile or dare i say even laugh when i am so furious i could cry. He is truly the man of my dreams and he will always be my king.

So i feel with all the family and all my friends i am truly blessed. I know that no matter how bad it gets i will always be able to make it through with the help of these amazing people. They each have individual characteristics that make them the most wonderful people that anyone could ask for. Thank you for everything. Everyone of you has touched my life.

Yesterday

So yesterday was not a good day. I spent a good part of my day not being the mommy that i want to be. The day started off with me waking up to a 3 year old screaming in my face telling me to get up and turn the cartoons on. So i got up turned the channel on the TV and fixed me a cup of coffee. Usually in the mornings that is the only time i get to do me for a little bit. I turn on Disney channel, fix my coffee, and then i usually can get about 2-3 hours of computer quiet time in before the kids start going insane. While i am fixing my coffee i usually fix them some fruit and then about an hour later a bowl of cereal. This is usually the best part of my day (aside from nap time(when they take a nap) and bed time). So back to yesterday. It started as a normal day. By about 11 they started losing it and screaming and fighting so i decided it was time for quiet time.

Quiet time...yes if only it was what it says. Usually i lay them down and let them watch a movie or cartoons. About an hour after that i end up turning off the TV because instead of laying down being quiet watching the shows they run around (in there room) and talk loudly. After i turn off the TV i have to sing a song or be faced with more screaming a yelling. Eventually they will settle in a take what is never longer than an hour long nap. This is the time where i fix myself some lunch or i will not eat until dinner as my job is to feed them not myself (this isn't my thinking it is theirs).

After hey awake is when my days usually go insane. Yesterday it just so happened to be nothing but yelling and screaming and me losing my temper a lot. I know that everyone has those days but i hate them. That is not the mom i want to be nor do i like having to yell at my kids. It was just one thing after the other. Phabian all of a sudden has developed a screaming problem. Any time he does not get his way he screams at you. I mean really screams like an adult screaming at a child who just almost ran in front of a moving car. This has taken a toll on my nerves.

As most of you know or have read i have been sick for the past few days. I have not reached out for help from anyone as i really don't have anyone to ask for help. My dear mother in law works full time and just so happened didn't have a day off on the days that i happened to be sick. Other wise i she would have kept them for me. So i was at home trying to take care of my kids while i was falling apart and couldn't even hold my eyes open. Yes i know this is what you sign up for when you have kids. When you are mommy there is no break. It isn't like a job where you can just call off if you don't feel well, but it would be nice to have a little sympathy.

So this brings me to the close of my day yesterday. My DH (dear husband) got home from work about 5 yesterday and we had my nieces B-day party to go to so we started to get the kids ready. Well it was a fight. Phabian wanted to wear his brother's clothes which were too small and he kept fighting with me. Finally we got them both dressed and Phabian sat on the couch next to me to put his shoes on. He decided it was OK to kick his foot repeatedly into my side trying to get his shoe to go on. Needless to say after the day i had i snapped, screamed, and then Marcus was looking at me like i was nuts. I ask him why and he said because i was overreacting. Once again i lost it this time yelling at him. He still preceded to tell me that i was overreacting so i walked onto the porch full prepared to call Chelsie and leave. I wouldn't take it anymore.

So i couldn't get a hold of Chelsie so we left for the party. When we were preparing to leave my Brother's house my BIL(Brother in law) called and ask my DH if we could watch his kids tonight (Keely 10 and Kiana 5) so that him and his g/f could go to this party. With out asking me if it was ok DH said sure we will come pick them up in like 20 mins. Once again i was fully prepared to call Chelsie and spend the night at her house. Why would you not even ask me if it was ok after i have already had a break down yelling at you earlier. So my BIL's g/f actually ended up calling us back and saying never mind (which i was like thank God). Its not that i don't like their kids. I had just had enough of kids today and didn't want to deal with any kids at all not even mine.

So we get home and put the kids to bed and i call Chelsie and talk to her for a bit. Then we go to bed. Well as we were laying there talking about today i just broke down. I cried and told my husband how i felt and how badly i just needed a day to enjoy my kids instead of having to always be the bad guy. I compared it to him this way," If someone told you to eat your fave food everyday for 3 years would you not grow tired of it?" That's how i feel about my kids. I love them with all of my heart, but 3 years non stop has worn me down and i need to not be the bad guy one or two days a week. I need to be able to just enjoy my kids with out having to be the disciplinarian. I just want to be able to hug them and love them without being the one to have to be mean to them.

So apparently it sparked something in his head and today has been a great day so far. He let me sleep in till 10 and woke me up with a cup of coffee in hand. He had cleaned the Kitchen, Dinning Room, and Living Room with out help from me or without me even having to ask him to do it. He has done all the fussing at the kids this morning and i haven't once had to even say one bad thing to them. It is great. He has kissed and loved on me all morning and i am just in awe. This is the man i fell in love with. Caring, sensitive, and wonderful. I knew he was still in there somewhere. Now if i could only get this to be a once a week thing i might not have as many rants on here.

Just Some Thoughts

I am very sick today. Worse than yesterday. It is kind of like riding a roller coaster. On minute I'm up and feeling ok and then i am back down with a fever and in pain. I hate it. I would love a big bowl of home made chicken noodle soup. I would make some myself but i just don't have the energy and i don't have any canned. Not that its as good as home made but it would do the job. I tried to fix some chicken flavored Ramen noodles but it just wasn't the same ya know.

Marcus has worked evenings the last 2 nights and it has killed me. Why now am i sick when he has had to work evening shifts. The kids are so much worse in the evening than they are in the mornings. Especially like today when they didn't take a nap. But the good part is that it is 8:18pm and they are passed out lol.

I myself got up in horrendous pain at 9 am. Then i went back to bed at 11:30 and slept til 3:30pm. Hubby woke me up before he left for work since the kids weren't asleep. We had noodles and chicken sandwiches for dinner cause that's all the energy i had to fix.

Well that is all for today. My kiddos are asleep so i am going to take a hot shower and then go to bed. I am so tired. You know the sick tired where you cant keep your eyes open much less do anything with a purpose lol. I am lucky i got this blog out in a way anyone can understand it.