This Friday, in 5 days, i will be attending a girl retreat, for 3 days, with a bunch of friends.
There is 10 of us who have rented out a cabin in North Carolina.
There will be wine, mixed drinks, food, a fire, a hot tube, probably snow, and definitely good conversation.
There will not be men, kids, drama, yelling, screaming, fighting, or saying no a million times a day.
However, i am feeling a bit of anxiety and apprehension about going.
Hubby gave me the ok and go ahead a few months ago when the trip was first being planned. He has taken the whole weekend off to have a boys time while i am gone. He plans on having fun with his kids and enjoying the time off.
I am happy for him. He works so much and he deserves time off to spend with his kids. However i am still nervous and apprehensive.
The last time i went out of town for 4 days i came back to some bad news. Phabian had almost drowned. Yes everything turned out great in the end and no one was harmed in the long term, but it still doesn't help the fear i have of leaving my kids again. That was the first time i had ever left my kids for more then 24 hours. And something terrible almost happened.
Here i am leaving again. This time for 3 days. Really not even that. We are leaving Friday around 10 am and will be back probably around 6 pm Sunday.
I am nervous. Sick to my stomach with anxiety. I keep trying to tell myself it is all ok. Nothing is going to go wrong this time. I deserve a break and i shouldn't be so worried about taking the opportunity. I just don't want my fear and apprehension to interfere with me having a great time.
I need to come to terms with the fact that my kids will be ok with out me. Their Dad is very capable of taking great care of them. But in the back of my mind i wonder if he is feeling as nervous as i am. Is he thinking about the last time like i am? Does he doubt his ability to keep the kids safe? I don't. It is just my over protective mommy instincts that whisper to me at night, "no one can take care of then as good as you", "no one can keep them as safe as you", "no one can comfort them like you".
Then i wonder if my kids remember when i went last summer for 4 days. I mean i know Sione' doesn't but do MJ and Phabian remember. Will they be upset when i leave. Does Phabian trust that he will be safe while i am gone. It is just frustrating to have these things circling in my head.
I DO know that my husband is more then capable of taking care of our kids. I DO know that he wouldn't let anything happen to them as long as it can be avoided. I DO trust him with all my being. BUT it still doesn't stop the anxiety.
Showing posts with label Worries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Worries. Show all posts
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I Have Figured It Out
As i have previously mentioned Marcus and I will start TTC soon and i have had a lot of worry and anxiety about this. I desperately want another baby but for some reason i have been so nervous and worried. I had up to this point not been able to put my finger on why i was feeling this way but after a long talk with Marcus last night i think i have gotten to the bottom of it.
I was 18 when i got pregnant with Phabian. I knew that complications could arise in pregnancy (as i had read every book under the sun about pregnancy) but outside of miscarriages (not to make that sound light) i had never experienced any loss as far a children in my family go. When i got pregnant with MJ i naturally assumed that since my pregnancy with Phabian had went so well i would have no problems. When they went in to do an Echo on MJ at 20 weeks (heart problems have been known to happen in Marcus' family) i never thought of anything since Phabian's went by so uneventfully. Then the doctor said this and in exactly these words, "We detected a white spot on the baby's heart and that is a sign of downs syndrome along with other problems. We need to do an amnio and some other test and then you can decide on whether to terminate."
I panicked and started wailing. I would never have ever thought about termination but the thought of my precious baby being sick was not what any parent wants to hear. I was terrified. After praying about it and having my cousin who is a RN do some research for me i learned the statistics and put it in God's hands. If there was something wrong with MJ we would find out after he had been brought into this world. Needless to say MJ was born 100% healthy and we never spoke another word about it.
When Chelsie became pregnant with Nadia we naturally assumed everything would go smooth. She already had one very uneventful pregnancy and there was no reason why things shouldn't be the same this time around. When we found out, when i got the call that day, that something was wrong my stomach dropped. I knew the feeling cause it was the same one i had when they told me something was wrong with MJ. I hung up the phone and cried. We didn't know right then exactly what was wrong or where this journey would take us.
Little Angel Nadia was born on August 31 2007. She was already in heaven even though she was entering this Earth. My heart broke not only because of the loss of my beautiful niece but for the pain that Chelsie had to endure. No one should ever have to bury a child...ever. Nadia touched our lives in her short time in her mommy's belly and in our world, but what we wouldn't have given to have her hear with us today.
You never think that things like this could happen to you or someone you love. You never get pregnant thinking something could be wrong. You never think is my baby going to have something wrong that could cause them not to be born alive. You don't think about these things because they could never happen to you or the loved ones you have...until they do.
Once they do happen it is all you think about. It is all you know. Anytime someone say i'm pregnant you want to tell them anything that could go wrong and tell them to prepare for the worst just in case. You are so worried that instead of just being happy you spend your time praying that God make this baby whole and healthy. This is where i am. This is what my anxiety is all about.
I am so scared because now i know how real the 1 in 10,000 or 1 in 2,000 statistic is. I know that just because it shouldn't statistically happen to you doesn't mean that it wont. It hit close to home and now it scares the hell outta me. It breaks my heart when i think about all the women i have met since who have had to say goodbye too soon to their babies. Kandy had to say goodbye to Ruby, Stacy had to say goodbye to Isaac, Angie had to say goodbye to Audrey! Those are just a few of the many! It scares the hell outta me that i could get what i want only to lose it!
So this is where i am! I am scared and nervous! I put it in God's hands to give me what he feels is right. If he gives me a happy healthy baby then i will take it and love it, and if he gives me a journey that he feels i need to take then i will accept that as well. I know that he knows what is best for me but it doesn't stop me from being scared and maybe it should but i have seen the heart ache and i don't want to feel that pain.
I was 18 when i got pregnant with Phabian. I knew that complications could arise in pregnancy (as i had read every book under the sun about pregnancy) but outside of miscarriages (not to make that sound light) i had never experienced any loss as far a children in my family go. When i got pregnant with MJ i naturally assumed that since my pregnancy with Phabian had went so well i would have no problems. When they went in to do an Echo on MJ at 20 weeks (heart problems have been known to happen in Marcus' family) i never thought of anything since Phabian's went by so uneventfully. Then the doctor said this and in exactly these words, "We detected a white spot on the baby's heart and that is a sign of downs syndrome along with other problems. We need to do an amnio and some other test and then you can decide on whether to terminate."
I panicked and started wailing. I would never have ever thought about termination but the thought of my precious baby being sick was not what any parent wants to hear. I was terrified. After praying about it and having my cousin who is a RN do some research for me i learned the statistics and put it in God's hands. If there was something wrong with MJ we would find out after he had been brought into this world. Needless to say MJ was born 100% healthy and we never spoke another word about it.
When Chelsie became pregnant with Nadia we naturally assumed everything would go smooth. She already had one very uneventful pregnancy and there was no reason why things shouldn't be the same this time around. When we found out, when i got the call that day, that something was wrong my stomach dropped. I knew the feeling cause it was the same one i had when they told me something was wrong with MJ. I hung up the phone and cried. We didn't know right then exactly what was wrong or where this journey would take us.
Little Angel Nadia was born on August 31 2007. She was already in heaven even though she was entering this Earth. My heart broke not only because of the loss of my beautiful niece but for the pain that Chelsie had to endure. No one should ever have to bury a child...ever. Nadia touched our lives in her short time in her mommy's belly and in our world, but what we wouldn't have given to have her hear with us today.
You never think that things like this could happen to you or someone you love. You never get pregnant thinking something could be wrong. You never think is my baby going to have something wrong that could cause them not to be born alive. You don't think about these things because they could never happen to you or the loved ones you have...until they do.
Once they do happen it is all you think about. It is all you know. Anytime someone say i'm pregnant you want to tell them anything that could go wrong and tell them to prepare for the worst just in case. You are so worried that instead of just being happy you spend your time praying that God make this baby whole and healthy. This is where i am. This is what my anxiety is all about.
I am so scared because now i know how real the 1 in 10,000 or 1 in 2,000 statistic is. I know that just because it shouldn't statistically happen to you doesn't mean that it wont. It hit close to home and now it scares the hell outta me. It breaks my heart when i think about all the women i have met since who have had to say goodbye too soon to their babies. Kandy had to say goodbye to Ruby, Stacy had to say goodbye to Isaac, Angie had to say goodbye to Audrey! Those are just a few of the many! It scares the hell outta me that i could get what i want only to lose it!
So this is where i am! I am scared and nervous! I put it in God's hands to give me what he feels is right. If he gives me a happy healthy baby then i will take it and love it, and if he gives me a journey that he feels i need to take then i will accept that as well. I know that he knows what is best for me but it doesn't stop me from being scared and maybe it should but i have seen the heart ache and i don't want to feel that pain.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Needing...Wanting An Answer
Ok so i am really becoming anxious about these results. I want them to be here today. I know it has only been a little over a week and they said 2 to 3 weeks but i want to know now.
Ok for those who don't know what is going on allow me to explain. When i first started dating my husband he told me that there was a girl who was pregnant and there was a possibility that it was his baby. I accepted that and we moved on. When she had the baby in August of 04 he asked to take a paternity test. She said there was no need. That someone had already been proven the father. I was hesitant to except that answer but we went on with life. Now we have 2 little boys of our own and a well put together life.
About a month ago she contacted my husband to take a paternity test (yes 4 years later). We told her that would be fine but only through the Child Support Office. She was reluctant to do that at first but finally she called them and they allowed her to drop the case against another man (who was her b/f at the time she got pregnant) and file one against my husband. Up to this point i was handling everything fine. I was thinking the process would take about 3 months or longer. Apparently i was wrong. They have implemented a new system for the paternity testing and now it takes 2 to 3 weeks to get the results.
They took the paternity test Friday, Sept. 12. They said it would be 2 to 3 weeks before we received the results. I was in shock. I was not ready for an answer that quickly. Now i have made it past that point and i want an answer now. I don't like the feeling of my life hanging in the balance. I have a million questions that need answers and they all revolve around what this paternity test says.
Hubby could call and get the results but he has been avoiding it all together. The actually have the results after about a week and if you call and they have them they will allow you to come pick them up instead of waiting on them to mail them out. Hubby doesn't wanna call. He isn't ready to know the truth. He wants to wait on the results to just show up. I cant handle the wait. I want the answer now. I need to know what path our life is going to take. I need to know what to prepare for.
I have all these questions going through my head. They all revolve around if he is his father. Will my kids be able to accept sharing their daddy with a new brother? Will i be able to accept the responsibility of being a step mother to a special needs child (He had a stroke when he was born and it cause damage to his brain. He is 4 with the mental capacity of a 2 year old. If he has another stroke he could be in a vegetative state.)? Is our love strong enough to survive the stress of a child this is his but not mine? What kind of impact will this have on our family in general? I have so many worries about this, but i need to have an answer to go off of.
If he is his father than we will handle it and if he isn't than we can go on with our life and forget about this situation. I just need to know. I need an answer. I need the results. I am sick of waiting. I just want this to be over.
Ok for those who don't know what is going on allow me to explain. When i first started dating my husband he told me that there was a girl who was pregnant and there was a possibility that it was his baby. I accepted that and we moved on. When she had the baby in August of 04 he asked to take a paternity test. She said there was no need. That someone had already been proven the father. I was hesitant to except that answer but we went on with life. Now we have 2 little boys of our own and a well put together life.
About a month ago she contacted my husband to take a paternity test (yes 4 years later). We told her that would be fine but only through the Child Support Office. She was reluctant to do that at first but finally she called them and they allowed her to drop the case against another man (who was her b/f at the time she got pregnant) and file one against my husband. Up to this point i was handling everything fine. I was thinking the process would take about 3 months or longer. Apparently i was wrong. They have implemented a new system for the paternity testing and now it takes 2 to 3 weeks to get the results.
They took the paternity test Friday, Sept. 12. They said it would be 2 to 3 weeks before we received the results. I was in shock. I was not ready for an answer that quickly. Now i have made it past that point and i want an answer now. I don't like the feeling of my life hanging in the balance. I have a million questions that need answers and they all revolve around what this paternity test says.
Hubby could call and get the results but he has been avoiding it all together. The actually have the results after about a week and if you call and they have them they will allow you to come pick them up instead of waiting on them to mail them out. Hubby doesn't wanna call. He isn't ready to know the truth. He wants to wait on the results to just show up. I cant handle the wait. I want the answer now. I need to know what path our life is going to take. I need to know what to prepare for.
I have all these questions going through my head. They all revolve around if he is his father. Will my kids be able to accept sharing their daddy with a new brother? Will i be able to accept the responsibility of being a step mother to a special needs child (He had a stroke when he was born and it cause damage to his brain. He is 4 with the mental capacity of a 2 year old. If he has another stroke he could be in a vegetative state.)? Is our love strong enough to survive the stress of a child this is his but not mine? What kind of impact will this have on our family in general? I have so many worries about this, but i need to have an answer to go off of.
If he is his father than we will handle it and if he isn't than we can go on with our life and forget about this situation. I just need to know. I need an answer. I need the results. I am sick of waiting. I just want this to be over.
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