Day 1 Recap/Day 2

So yesterday was not as successful as i would have liked. I had plans to just quit cold turkey. Halt all smoking activity and never look back. That is not exactly how it went. I did good yesterday till about 11am. At 11 i found myself walking to the local general store (which is only a block away) and buying the cheapest pack of cigarettes i could find. As i walked i felt like i was 15 all over again trying to sneak and hope that no one saw me. It was really pathetic. So i bought the cigarettes, which cost me $2.30. I smoked one immediately which made me light headed and a bit sick to my stomach. In total yesterday i smoked 9 cigarettes. This is good for me. I have/had a pack and a half a day habit so cutting in one day for 30 cigarettes to 10 cigarettes is a feet in itself. I am not completely happy but i am impressed that i did that well. I also am not allowing myself to smoke indoors. This means that i have to bare the cold or whatever the whether is like to go out and smoke. The 30 degree whether at 8am can be quite discouraging lol. Also kids tearing my house apart while i am outside can also make me not wanna go out.

So today is day 2 and i think i have a new plan. Since i have found out that i did have the ability to cut down from 30 to 10 in just one day, i am going to do the slim down method that my Aunt used. For the first week i will smoke 10 a day (now if i don't need them all i wont but if i do i will but never over the amount allowed), the next week i will cut down to 8, then 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. The last week i will cut it out completely. I do know that this is a bit of a cop out of sorts. I wish i had the strength and determination to just stop. I want to i really do but it is so hard and i can be so weak sometimes. So we are going to try this and yes it will take awhile to edge the amount down and yes it will prolong the fact of actually quitting but maybe it will work better for me. My body will have time to adjust to less and less nicotine and i can slowly find new habits to replace bad ones.

That brings me to a new questions. For those of you who have quit or know someone who have quit, what did they or you do to replace the habit. I am fine as long as i am busy but the minute i stop to rest or anything a cigarette is the first thing my mind goes to. I have tried chewing gum and that just doesn't work for me. I have to keep my hands busy. Like when i am typing here in my blog or cooking dinner i am fine. So does anyone have any ideas? I just have to find something to keep my hands busy with that doesn't cost money or take up too much room lol.

Last Time/Day 1

Ok so i had my last cigarette at 11pm last night. So far this morning i am doing ok. I am not ready to kill anyone i am not losing my mind and i am not screaming. I am a little antsy and i am feeling the need to eat something. It is the hand/mouth addiction. I am so use to having something going from my hand to my mouth that food is the only other option in my brain. Of course i dont wanna gain 50 lbs while i am quitting so eating is not an option. I have thought about suckers since that would help the hand to mouth but i dont if anything at this point will really actally help besides time.

What is really hard is that my body associates everything with smoking. I am sitting at the computer and sipping coffee and my body is screaming, "where the f**k is my cigarette you b***h"! I am so use to my morning routine. I get up have a cigarette while i wait on my coffee to brew, go to the bathroom, get a cup of coffee, if i have finished that cigarette light another. It is a never ending cycle.

I am so scared to fail. I did everything that the American Lung Association tells you to do. I set a date (today), i rid my whol ehouse of anything pretaining to cigarettes or smoking, and i told all my friends and family (including you guys here in bloggyland) so that it wouldnt be easy to back out on my attempt. So for now i am on the right track. I am doing ok. Surprisingly ok!!!!

Smoking

I wish i was saying that in a literal reference to my body or something but i am not i am talking about a cancer stick.

I started smoking socially when i was about 12 and then full on addiction smoking by the time i was 15. I have tried to quit smoking a million times. I smoked through both of my pregnancies (i did cut down and yes i know that it isn't enough and yes i feel terrible about it so i don't need anyone else to tear me down about it thank you very much) and i can't tell you how it makes me feel to know that i could have contributed to my children having asthma among other things. It is a horrible habit and expensive. On average i spend about $85 dollars every 2 weeks on cigarettes. My breathe stinks, i cant breathe, my clothes smell, i cough and hack, my house has the odor of an ash tray, my kids cough a lot and get colds, and i am killing myself slowly!

When i was laying in bed the other night thinking about all the bills we have due and how the heck we were going to scrape up the money to pay them i realized i am a selfish person. Here we are struggling pay check to pay check and i have the nerve to spend $85 dollars out of every paycheck on a selfish habit that benefits no one! What is wrong with me, seriously??? I know that all addictions are hard to break but i am so ready to be done with this one!!!

Another reason i want to quit is that my husband and i have been discussing having another child. We would like to start trying some time next year once we get MJ potty trained. He will be starting school in the fall and we think it is a perfect time to have another baby. I don't want to smoke through this pregnancy. I want to quit and be healthy so that my last pregnancy can be healthy and happy. I don't want people to be able to look at me crazy when i am standing outside smoking with a belly the size of Egypt. I want all my kids to be able to breathe inside their home without having to have their lungs filled with 2nd hand smoke. I want to not be selfish, and i want that $85 dollars a week to spend of groceries or something that benefits my whole family.

I have 4 and 1/2 packs of cigarettes left and when they are gone they are gone. I wont buy anymore and i have already informed everyone to not buy me or support my habit in any ways. If i ask for a cigarette tell me no! If i ask you for a hit tell me no! I am going to be done with this. I am 22 and have a whole life to live, kids to grow up with, and hopefully one day grand kids to love. I don't want to die early because i made a stupid decision in my life and more than that i don't want to hurt my family because of my dumbness.

Now with this all said i will probably be a (excuse the language) bitch for awhile. There will be a lot of bitchy blogs and i will probably post a lot of short blogs pertaining to how bad i want a cigarette. Please those of you who read my blog support me and bare with me. Leave me comments and let me know that i am doing the right thing. Let me know that i am strong and i can do this. I know this sounds so over dramatic but those of you who smoke know the control that it has over your life. I go to bed thinking do i have enough cigarettes to last all day tomorrow, do i have a lighter, when do i need to buy more?!? It is a ridiculous pattern and i want it to end. So i am asking for support and kind words.

I will post letting you know when i am out and when the smokeless house begins. It wont be long now.!