I'm So Torn

What i really need right now is someone to tell me it is ok!

Today i have decided to stop breastfeeding. It is breaking my heart. I feel like i am being torn in half.

Part of me wants to keep going. The connection it gives me to my baby, the bond we have formed. The way he grabs my finger while he nurses, and the way he almost loses his latch when he smiles up at me while he is eating. The fact that i feel like i could nurse him forever when he drifts off to sleep. The way it comforts him and me. These are all the great wonderful parts of this adventure that makes me hang on.

The other half of me is tired of trying to make two puzzle pieces fit together that were never made for each other. That's how it feels. Like me and breastfeeding just do not work. It has been one problem after another. Thrush, torn up nipples multiple time, latch issues, not enough fat content in my milk, too much foremilk not enough hindmilk. Now my milk supply seems to be going down and he is not getting full even after long periods on both breasts at one feeding.

I don't truly know if my milk supply is dwindling or if it is just the lack of fat content in my milk, but either way it is heart breaking. I am not filling him up. He eats for 20 mins to 30 mins on each breast at one feeding and still turns around and takes a 3 to 4 oz bottle.

It just hurts so bad. My heart hurts to think that the most basic of motherly things may just not be meant for me to do. I feel like i failed somehow. I wanted this so bad. I wanted it for him and for me. I wanted to be able to provide him with my milk. The one thing only i can do.

I need someone to tell me it is ok! It is ok that it is not working out. It is ok that he drinks formula. It is ok because he will still be healthy and strong no matter if his food comes from a bottle or a breast. I need someone to tell me he will still love me just as much if i cant breastfeed him. That out bond will still be just as strong. It is ok that i am angry and confused!

I had the best month ever even through the pain and problems. I got what i wanted even if it didn't last long. I got to feed him from my breast for 5 whole weeks. I got to bond with him in a way i didn't with my other kids.

I will never forget the moments of just me and him on the couch. I will never forget the look in his eyes or the feel of his little cheek on my skin. I will not forget the way he held my finger in his little hands til he fell fast asleep. I will cherish those moments forever.

But.....

I need someone to tell me it is ok! I need someone to help heal this wounded heart.

Breastfeeding 911!!!

So we are three weeks into this journey and although things have been up and down i can honestly say they are mostly up.

Well all is mostly up...just one thing is seemingly still really stressful and frustrating.

BREASTFEEDING!!!!

Now i know it is a process and i think ours has been longer and harder than most lol. First we struggled with his latching correctly. For the first week he had my nipples tore up. After a day or two of pumping my nipples healed and we were back to the breast.

His latch was doing great. Nice big mouth covering all it was suppose to...yadda yadda yadda! Even the lactation consultant said he had a perfect latch! I was thrilled to hear it.

Just when i thought we were doing good week 2 brought us a battle with thrush. So 3 days of treatment with Gentian Violet, 2 purple nipples, and a purple baby mouth later we were thrush and pain free. Back to nursing again!

Now week three and although his latch is perfect about 90% of the time my nipples are back to being tore up after a rough patch of bad latching.

I am frustrated to say the least. After 2 whole days of pain free nursing follwed by one day of struggling with latching i am so sore i cant even put him to the breast without cringing in pain. I am just at a loss for words or even actions.

How long is this going to continue? How long before he has his latch down so well that he quits tearing my nipples up? I know using the bottle on occassion has probably aided in this processes but he seems to know the difference between bottle and breast. Like i said 90% of the time he gets the latch right and it is just that 10% of the time that he doesnt that leaves me frustrated and in pain.

So help me out here! Breastfeeding mothers i call to you to help a fellow feeder!

How long did it take before your nipples were toughened up? How long did it take your baby to perfect their latch? How did you keep your baby awake long enough to make sure they were getting full (he is horrible about falling asleep after 5 mins and then waking up starving 10 mins later)? How long and how often did you feed your baby? What positions did you use? Anyone who had latch problems and torn up nipples; how did you make sure you were completely healed? Did you pump for a few days and then put baby back to breast or did you just grin and bear it?

I really need your help here! Any advice at all even if it isnt for a question i asked. I dont wanna give up trying breastfeeding but i am so frustrated with this back and for cycle. I enjoy this bonding time so much and i just feel defeated sometimes.

Please if you are not a breastfeeding mom but know someone who is, direct them my way. Maybe they can help to answer my questions.

(Yes i have talked to a lactation consultant about all of this but i just want more info from women who are going through it right now or recently went through it. More learning never hurts and i am all about having as much knowledge as possible right now.)

Breastfeeding on MTV

I don't how many of you have heard of the new show on MTV called 16 and Pregnant, but after much apprehension, I decided to watch it.

I was adamantly against it when i first heard about it because in my opinion we give too much glory to teen pregnancy as it is. The TV, Magazines, and other media sources are constantly pushing teen pregnancy in our and our children's faces. Often they don't make parenting (especially as a teen) look as hard as it truly is. They glorify it and make it seem as if being a parent is just a piece of cake.

Those of us who have been through the sleepless nights, the sore boobs, the tantrums, the diapers, and the puke can attest that things are not always as simple (or as fun) as they seem. One of my best friends had her baby when we were just 15 so i got a first hand look at how hard it was to be a young mother.

So back to the real subject at hand. When i flipped on the season premiere of this show i was gritting my teeth to say the least. I just knew that this was all going to confirm my suspicions about the media and how we see teen moms. I cant say i was 100% correct in my thoughts but it didnt make me feel good about it either.

The very first episode gave me some comfort in the fact that they didn't try to hide how hard the young couple was struggling. They lived together in a small apartment and the father was still busy trying to live life as the mother struggled to finish school, work, and take care of the baby by herself. Needless to say they went their separate ways (as most teen parents eventually do).

With the same apprehension i went on to watch the second episode. It made me sick!!! The girl was a whining brat in my opinion. She kept talking about how it wouldn't be that hard to be a parent and how she would be fine. The final ticker for me was when she said there was no way she was breast feeding because she didn't want her boobs to be all saggy and stretched out. It made my day when her OB informed her that it was too late for that as pregnancy itself is usually the culprit of all the stretch marks and sagging! I ended up turning this episode off early as i could not bear to watch!

I skipped the next episode because i was still furious! When i flipped on the middle of episode 4 i was shocked by the image i saw. Here was a beautiful, new, 16 year old mother breastfeeding her beautiful baby right before my eyes on my TV screen. I was dumb founded but in the greatest way. I never, ever, ever, expected MTV to show a breast on its TV (outside of spring break), much less a breast with a baby attached to it!!! I was so pleasantly surprised that found a follow up episode and watched it from the beginning.

I don't watch a lot of MTV. Really the only shows i watch on their is Real World or the Challenges. But i am giving MTV a big thumbs up for showing a breastfeeding mom on their show even if she was a teen. After all the controversy of Facebook erasing pictures of Mom's breastfeeding it was a relief to see a media source not afraid to show the healthiest way to feed our babies (I think most of us can agree even if you didn't breast feed that it is the best way just not always the best for all moms).

The one thing i thought was lacking from this show was the option of adoption. With so many people out there willing and ready to adopt i found it odd that MTV wasn't covering this. How happy i was to find out that the last episode scheduled for Thursday at 10pm will cover a teen who is considering adoption. I promise i will be watching.