Reflection

This morning as i read through my reader i found an entry that hit home. Nell @ Casual Friday Everyday wrote a post about body image and how we see ourselves. She talked about how her own opinion of herself has changed over the years and how she has become happy with herself. i ask her if she would mind a piggy back post and with her blessing here we go!

This is me at 15. It was the summer after my Mom passed away. My Aunt Kay and my Dad had taken me and a friend to Disney and to Florida to see my Grandma and Aunt Linda. It was a good trip but my mind was all messed up. It would take me many years after that to get myself together and realize how special I really was/am.

I had huge body image issues. I remember people (especially guys) telling me how beautiful i was and how unique and special i was. It just didn't add up for me.

When i looked in the mirror i saw a girl who was too wide in the hips and had thunder thighs plus a bubble butt. My nose was crooked, my eyes were a boring green/hazel, my lips were not full or plump, I had no exotic look of some of my friends, and i was not the perfect size 2, blond haired, blue eyes, well dressed, preppy girl. I, in my reflection, was plain Jane. There was nothing special about me.

This is me at 18 right before i graduated high school. Of all the pictures i have of myself this is one of my favorites now. I think it speaks an honesty that only a lens can capture. I see hurt and pain in the eyes of a young girl who wants to be beautiful like she sees others to be. Only now do i see how beautiful i was in my own unique way.

At the time i tore this picture apart. I had a fat role on the back of my neck, my nose was too big, my eyes too far apart, my lips to pouty. You will not find a picture in the bunch that shows below my chest as i thought i was so fat. I was at my skinniest in years here in a size 8 and 160 lbs.

I hid my pain and insecurity behind a ton of makeup, revealing clothes, and a "I'm the Stuff" attitude. I had just about any boy or girl i wanted wrapped around my finger. I could fool anyone with my "I'm Hot and Sexy" attitude. Everyone but me! I felt empty. I felt alone and sad. As much as i tried to hide it i was insecure and vulnerable.

This is me at 19 the night before i went into labor with Phabian. I cant explain exactly what happened to me over those 37 weeks that i carried that special baby boy in my belly, but something in me changed.

I felt alive, i felt rejuvenated, and most of all i felt beautiful. Maybe it was the act of giving life and bringing it into the world. Maybe it was the fact that I had a husband who adored me and wouldn't dare even think of looking at another woman. Or maybe it was just a maturity i had never known before taking over me.

After the birth my body changed. I had stretch marks on my belly, i was heavier than i had been in years, and my body was anything but normal. But i was a mom! When i held that baby in my arms i knew i was perfect and that he saw nothing but beauty and perfection when he looked at me. Somehow i knew it too! I knew i was special and wanted and beautiful in all my stretched out, flabby glory!

Here i am at 23! This is one of the most recent pictures i have of myself. I was preparing to go out with my husband to a Valentines Day Party. I don't normally wear makeup and when i do i usually don't like it as much as i do when i am just my plain Jane beautiful self.

I still have my days where i think i am fat or my self image slips, but to counteract that i have 2 handsome boys and a husband that remind me how beautiful i am. I will never be a size 2 as i don't think it is even in me to be that small. I will always be stripped by stretch marks to remind me of the lives i have brought into this world. I will never be a blond haired, blue eyes, preppy girl, nor will i be an exotic beauty.

What i will be is the beautiful girl with the crooked nose, normal lips, green/hazel eyes, boring brown hair, wide hips, thunder thighs, bubble butt, strech marks, and flab. The things is that now i don't mind. I embrace who i am because if i don't who else will. I love me for me and i understand that i am the only person like me. No one else will ever take my place and that is exactly how i want it.

A big thank you to Nell @ Casual Friday Everyday for allowing me to piggy back her post today and inspiring to give myself a look over today and tell myself how beautiful i am. Thank You!

My Religion

(Note: I know this is a touchy subject and that is why i am covering it. I am not trying to be controversial or start a fight. To each their own when it comes to this subject. I just ask that you keep the angry comments to yourself. I have no problem with people with different opinions i just have a problem with the way that some people express them.)

First may i say that every ones religion is just that: THEIRS! I am a believer that each person's religion is unique even if they consider themselves part of an organized religion. We each talk to OUR God in our OWN unique way. With that said i will give you a little history on my religious background.

I started going to church when i was just a newborn. As a family we always went to a Non-denominational church. I had several preachers that i considered family. They were close to us and we loved them. The churches i attended were always like families. We all knew each other and we often got together for other occasions outside of church walls. I have went to both big and small churches. I have also spent time with friends (that had different religions) at their churches. Each may have practiced their religion differently but they all have one thing in common. They each depend on their faith to get them through life and what ever may come after.

I remember Sunday's the best. Sunday morning was always a scramble in my house. Up at 5 (as always) my mom would cook a small breakfast for us to have before we left. This usually resulted in us being late as we never got up on time and never out the door more than 5 minutes late lol. Once at church we would sing an array of songs and listen to the sermon of the day. I always enjoyed hearing what the preacher had to say and i never enjoyed the children's classes as much as i did the adult. I loved to hear my mom lead the church in song. Two of my favorites will always be "The Old Rugged Cross" and "Amazing Grace". I clearly remember my mom singing those which contributes to those being my favorites.

I remember after church going to my Grandma's house for Sunday dinner. There was always some kind of Beef Roast with Veggies (usually dried out because my Grandma in her old age would forget and put it in too early) and an array of sides. When i think of Sunday dinner i always think of the smell of buttered rolls and cooked roast as well as long naps on the couch afterwards. After we left there we would usually head home to change and then back to church for evening service. I continued this routine till i was 14 when my Grandma died (followed by my mom 6 months later) and my mom had her first heart attack.

When my mom died (i was 15) i turned my back completely on religion. So did my father, who for as long as i could remember was always very religious. I could not understand how a compassionate, loving God that i had learned about could cause such pain to a family that had done nothing but worship him. I didn't understand how God could take a 15 year old girl's mother from her leaving her with a father who had no clue how to function without his wife. I didn't understand how the God i had learned about could be so merciless as i cried out to him to help save my mother. I for the next 3 years would rebel and do anything to push away from God, religion, and my father.

When i became pregnant with Phabian i found God again. But not in the way that most would think. I do not clam to be Catholic, Protestant, Baptist, or any other named religion. I think the best thing that can describe me is Henotheistic. For those who do not understand or know what this is i will explain.

Henotheism is the belief in one God without denying the existence of others. This is where the belief that everyone worships in their own unique way comes in. Although i am not necessarily saying that there is more than one God, i am saying that i believe that God is an all knowing, all loving being. With that definition you can call him what ever you want. He has many names and many stories but who actually knows what is right. No one knows until they are dead. I believe that God is, understood as, Life, Truth, Love, Mind, Soul, Spirit, Principle. He/She is kind, loving, merciful, honest, peaceful, and everything else that you could possibly imagine. He/She is good and listens to us even if he/she doesn't give us the answers we seek. I believe that nature is a part of God. When you feel the wind blow or hear the thunder that is God.

Now with that said i do not believe that if i do not go to church and worship God will deny me what ever comes after this life. I also do not believe that my God hates anyone. I believe that he/she loves us all equally and is tolerant of our mistakes just as we tolerate our own children's mistakes and help then to see what is right. I think that he/she will decide all of our fates. I do not believe that we are just here on earth wondering around with no sense of purpose. I think we all have a mission or deed that we were placed in this world to accomplish. Now what that is can vary and it is our job to seek out our path. It is God's job to place us on the right path should we get lost.

The God i just described is the God that i cherish. He/She is the God that i pray to and thank. He/She is the God that protects my family and guides me through my days. He/She is not an angry God. He/She is not going to strike us all down if we don't get it right. This God that i believe in could go by many names. A matter of fact he/she does. God comes in many religions and many forms. In some religions he/she has 8 arms and is bright blue, in other he/she is short, fat, and bald. Like i said, we all worship different, we all believe different, even if we go to the same church. I love my God because he has blessed me with 2 beautiful boys and a wonderful husband. He showed me that i am not alone in this world. He has paved a path to great friends and wonderful places. He has given me the ability to feel ok with my life and accept that things happen as a bigger plan.

Maybe if my mom had not passed away i would have never went on a rebellious streak. If i had not gone on that streak than i would have never met my husband and never had my beautiful kids. I might have went to college and met someone else and my life would be different. In the end it all happened this way for a reason. God took my mother because her job on earth was done and mine had just began. God sent me on a journey to find myself and him/her. Now if you don't agree with me i understand. Religion is a very touchy subject and not everyone views things as i do and that is ok. As i said we all worship different Gods, in different places, and in different ways and for me that is ok.