Chaos Is Us

Hot Kitchen

2012-01-26T21:33:00.000-05:00

I have rediscovered my love of cooking!
The last couple months i have had some extra time on my hands (another story all together) and throught that extra time i have started cooking a lot.

Lots of large, hardy, filling meals. Meals like my mom use to cook. Meals that warm both the heart and soul.

I dare not call my food soul food but for me it is all the things soul food are meant to be.

While i have always used Food.com to find interesting and new recipes i have found that i like blogs more. They are more personal and more ~~comical~~ ~~entertaining~~ fun.

One of my favorites is The Pioneer Woman Cooks. If you havent been introduced to The Pioneer Woman, Dee Drummond, you have been missing out. She not only cooks, Dee blogs, homeschools, feeds cattle ranchers all day and night, crafts, travels, raises kids, perfects photography, and has her own show on Food Network!!!!

She is a true superwoman, but you would never hear her admit that. She gives moms like me hope and a guiding light. And did i mention her cooking is A-MAZING!!!!

A few weeks ago i stumbled upon another foody treat through another blog. And it was love at first reading.

Jamie Cooks It Up is a delightful blog filled with delicious recipes and relatable stories. Jamie is a very down-to-earth mother of 5. She has been blogging Since 2009 and all though i dont think i can believe it she says she couldnt cook a lick when she got married.

These two ladies have taken up about 95 percent of my food board on Pinterest (and if you dont know what that is ask somebody cause its amazing).

So point being is i am cooking like mad. Making things i didnt know i had in me. Filling my family's bellies and hearts with warmth and love.

Its a great feeling!

Easy Homemade Doughnuts

2012-01-19T17:48:00.001-05:00

Igredients:

Frozen yeast rolls
Powdered sugar
Sprinkles
Vanilla or almond flavor
Milk

Layout how many ever rolls/ doughnuts you want to make. Put 12 per sheet pan an spread them so they have room to rise. Cover then with plastic wrap and let them rise according to the package directions.

Start heating your oil. Uncover your risen rolls. Use a shot glass or something about that size (I used a medicine cup that came off the kids motrin lol) cut the center out of the rolls. At this point they will deflate. Don't worry it doesn't affect the outcome.

When the oil is ready (I use one of the holes to test its readiness) put in a couple doughnuts at a time. It will only take a minute or so and then flip it over to brown the other side. Once the whole thing is golden brown take it out of the oil and place on a cooling rack for about 5-10 minutes.

While your doughnuts cool you can make your icing. Pour about 2 cups of powdered sugar in a bowl. Put in about a tsp of vanilla or almond flavor an whisk in milk til you get a silky texture. It shouldn't be too thin so add the milk slowly.

Once your doughnuts are fully cooled dip them in the icing (I use my fingers for this but u can use forks or any utensil you like.) I dip one side for things I am putting sprinkles or powdered sugar on and both for a regular glazed doughnut. Make sure you lay the dipped doughnuts back on a cooling rack so the excess icing can drip off. Add your sprinkled or powdered sugar as soon as you dip them and get them on the cooling rack so it will stick.

And enjoy!!!

Hope you like them!!

I Never Told Anyone

2012-01-15T01:12:00.001-05:00

I have a deep desire to live in the country.

Not like out a small tree lined lane, but really out in God's country.

I want there to be no other houses for miles. I want there to be wide open views of mountains, tree, and maybe a lake.

I want to get snowed in during the winter. Sit by an open fire place with hot cocoa and a warm blanket.

I want to be able to walk bare foot during the summer along a well worn trail. I want to smell the fresh air (even if it makes me sneeze uncontrollably).

I want to live off the land as much as possible. I want to hunt deer and raise my own cattle and chickens. I want a horse, large and graceful, to ride and be a companion and confidant.

Part of me wants the silence of no modern technology, while part of me screams are you nuts.

I want to retire to this place. Maybe when my children have their own life, their own kids.

Or maybe it is just a fantasy. A silly dream that will never be realized.

But I hope not. I pray that one day this dream can come true.

Hilarious Despiration

2011-09-04T23:29:00.000-04:00

The following is an email i recieved a few days ago. I thought it was so hilarious that i needed to share it with you. What makes it that much more entertaining is that i am sure i have all of about 3 followers since i dont update my blog on a consistent basis right now. Too good not to share.

Hello!

I'm so glad that someone else reads books :) I found The Da Vinci Code in your profile, it is one of my favorite ones! By the way, I do not know if you read Twilight Series, I can recommend it to you, I think you should like it.

I just want to thank you for your wonderful blog chaosisus.blogspot.com.

I read the first post "Worries " and then I spent another hour on your blog by reading your posts with pleasure :) Every article is interesting and easy to read. I really like the "Dirt and Snails and Puppy Dog... ".

By the way, I also read similar blog to yours - Link to another blog, I am sure you will find it interesting too.

I work for Random company name, we aggregate job adverts around the world.

My job is to persuade bloggers to link to our site.

I really love my job! We have a friendly team and good management, but unfortunately I have no idea how to convince a blogger to link to us, I'm afraid I might lose my job because of it :(

And that is why, instead of sending letters to thousands of different blogs, I am reading yours.

Honestly, I am not really sure if the link to our website in USA -Link to web site, will be appropriate for your blog, but if you believe it will and it is possible to add it, I would be really grateful to you! Our site is really cool, it can greatly help hundreds of people to find a job.

I wish you to have a good day and excellent mood! Thanks again for your nice blog. Write more! Thanks!

P.S. I am a Aquarius by zodiac sign too :)

Best regards,

Serge Lavange
Account Manager

Tel: Randone out of country number

E-mail: Random email address

Skype: Random Skype Acct

Random website again

PS. I changed and took out all the companys links to their pages, email accts, and such because frankly they dont deserve a link up after this stupid email.

Worries

2011-08-14T12:17:00.001-04:00

Its been a wild few weeks.

A lot of stress.

A few tears.

And one overall breakdown.

Lets begin here.

I got a job. A real out of the house, kids at a sitter, on my feet all day job.

It was time. I didn't really want to. I enjoy(ed) being a stay at home mom. Loved it. Cherished it. But the money struggles were just too much. It was past time maybe.

With a jib came the mommy guilt. I don't want someone else raising my kids. I don't want to miss events and school functions. I don't want my kids to miss me. But we are working on the schedule and sooner or later we will get use to it. It is just hard.

I wont say where but I'm waiting tables. Having cash in hand can be very addictive ya know. So it is fun but challenging to deal with all the different personalities I encounter. Plus being on your feet all day sucks. But the money makes our life easier. So I guess it balances out.

Our van battery died. Thanks to a dear friend we got a new one but then our speedometer died. So now we are using our GPS to tell us how fast we are going. Its a little off I think but only in the sense that its says your going faster then you really are so not a big big deal.

I have something else really stressful going on but wont be talking about that til I know what's going on. Just please keep me and my family in your prayers. We don't need any more stress right now. It isn't anything really serious (like life or death) just worrysome and scary.

The kids are great. Football season is in full swing. School is almost half way through their first semester. Sione is teething (booooo).

Life is moving along.

I'm Learning...

2011-07-06T10:24:00.001-04:00

I have a friend, really a best friend, that makes hemp jewelry. She made me a necklace while my arm was broken. It was oh so very pretty.

I commented one day that once I got my cast off I'd like to learn how to make then. And so I did.

I made myself an ankle bracelet yesterday. It took me almost 2 hours. Most people probably could have done it in 30 minutes or less.

I don't have much strenghth in my left hand now and my coordination is all messed up. But my physical therapist says that this will be a good exercise for me. It will help with both strength and coordination.

So I'm learning this new skill. And its fun. And I get to have pretty things in the end. Who knows maybe I will open an etsy shop if I get good enough. Anyone think they would be interested in buying a hemp item (necklace, bracelet, anklet, keychain etc)?

Marriage Counceling

2011-07-02T14:20:00.001-04:00

(Did I spell that right? Cause I don't think I did.)

So this post doesn't have anything to do with my husband and my relationship. We are just fine thankyouverymuch!

This is about a possible future for me. A perfession I have been told time and time again I would be excellant at.

I'm not certain about it but apparently others think I would make a perfect marriage/relationship councelor (still don't feel right).

I am always talking with friends and giving guidence. I am always ask how I have such a successful marriage. I usually look at people crazy when they give me that comment.

The truth is my marriage is anything but perfect. We are human and imperfect by nature. No one has the "perfect" relationship. It isn't realistic to even think its possible.

What I do have is a functional relationship. We work hard at it to. There are days where we probably don't even want to see each other but we grin and bare it to push past it.

We talk a lot (well I talk a lot. He's a man therefore by nature not an emotional sharer). We communicate. And most importantly we never go to bed mad with one another.

Going to bed mad = waking up still mad or worse.

This is the same advice I pass on to others when ask. Honesty, trust, communication, and understanding are the keys to happiness. It takes work. And sometimes your going to get your feelings hurt because, guess what, sometimes the truth hurts.

I don't think this qualifies me as a good counselor, but I guess if I go back to school anytime soon I atleast have a field of interest.

Where Is My Baby?

2011-06-29T21:08:00.001-04:00

Have you seen my baby? He seems to have vanished.

In his place I have a toddler who is now sleeping in a toddler bed. Who is starting to potty train. Who doesn't want to spend his days cuddling with mama.

If you happen to see my baby boy, can you tell him that his mama misses him.

Dirt and Snails and Puppy Dog...

2011-06-25T09:41:00.001-04:00

About a month ago we adopted a puppy. He is part Chihuahua part weiner dog. And a whole lot of cute. We named him Odie.

It has been a rough start. Because of his nature he isn't always kid friendly. The kids are having to learn when to play with him and when to leave him alone. But most of all they are learning responsibility.

They do well with helping to train and walk him. Its a process like any other but I'm proud none the less. My boys are growing up.

Its Been Awhile...

2011-05-09T13:46:00.000-04:00

Hi ya'll! I swear i am still live and movin around but life seems to be getting in a lazy/hectic pattern here lately. I know that is kinda an oximoron of sorts but thats how i feel. We seem to have a few really busy weeks followed by a few really slow lazy days and it is leaving me feeling like i am on a rollar coaster.
I suppose maybe you all would like to know how we are doing here in the House of Chaos, so i think i will just give you an all around update.

MJ turned 5 last month. Somehow in all the hooplah of parties and getting ready for a family reunion i dont think i took the time to truly appreciate the gravity of his turning 5. He has officially moved out of the preschooler catagory and into the world of big boys. He will start kindergarten in July and then i will no longer have my days filled with boys. It will just be Sione' and I at home until 3.

I think MJ is ready for school in a lot of aspects but i still worry about his emotional readiness. How can i say this without sounding horrible? MJ is a bit of an emotional child. He whines a lot, and cries even more often. His pre-k teacher says he isnt like that at school but i worry that a new teacher and a new school will be a lot for him to handle. MJ is a creature of routine. He likes things to be just such and when things change or are not as he likes them or remembers them to be he gets very upset. I just hope we can make the transition without too much havoc.

He has also decided, after almost 4 years of obsession, that he doesnt like Cars (aka Lightenin McQueen) anymore. Toy Story is now his new obsession (although Cars is still a everyday presence). He got a lot of TS3 stuff for his birthday and was more than estatic about it.

Phabian...oh my dear sweet Phabian. Where do i begin?

First let me say he is 6! 6!!!! When did these kids start growing so fast? He will start 1st grade in July. He is reading like a pro now. he can sound out most words but still gets a little flustered with longer words. He loves math and reading and is doing great with spelling as well. He got 100% on his first 3 spelling tests and i couldnt be more proud of him!

Oh the other side of wonderful you have attitude! He has developed a very smart mouth along with his very smart brain. He has become very disrespectful at times and we are working hard to get back on track. He is however doing better behaving at school.

He is loving girls right now. He says he has a few girls at school that have a crush on him and they chase him during recess. He just smiles big and tells you its because he is cute. Modesty...what is that? He also loves his super heros. He is just really mostly into reading and writing right now. Who knows maybe i have a author on my hands.

Sione' is going through a rough time right now. Well really it has been a rough month which have resulted in a really whiny, needy, and up my butt toddler.

It started at the beginning of April when he somehow contracted Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease. I dont know if anyone of your kids has ever had this but it completely, utterly sucks! He had a really low grade fever for a few days which we contributed to teething but then on the 3rd day it spiked to 103 and off to the ER we went. After the diagnosis we were told to go home and wait it out.

He slept about 20 hrs a day for 4 days and finally the bug kicked rocks and gave me my baby back. Unfortunatly it gave him back still teething which is not fun for anyone. He is still (now in May) trying to cut his canines. He is clingy, miserable, and just not an overall happy baby.

On the other had he is learning leaps and bounds. He has learned about 12 new words just this week including brush, keys, teeth, car, dog, and yummy. I cant believe he is 18 months old. 1.5 years i have had this precious little joy in my life. I am so truly blessed.

My poor husband has been working about 60 hours a week and it is making it hard on all of us. He is exhausted, the kids and i miss him so much. With only 1 day a week off it is straining us all. I wish i could do something but until July my hands are kinda tied.

In July 2 of my 3 kids will be in school full time. That means i will only need to find daycare for 1 and then i can get a job. I am still very hesitant to put my kids in daycare but the time has come and we need the money. I need to help my husband so he doesnt have to work so much. He misses us as much as we miss him and we need the time together.

So for now we are holding it together. Life is unfolding and we are blessed. God has given us each other and together we will make it through what ever storms plaque us.

Sometimes

2011-04-02T15:56:00.001-04:00

Sometimes bedtime doesn't come fast enough.
Sometimes I think I make more mistakes then I do things right.
Sometimes I feel depressed.
Sometimes I feel so so sad.
Sometimes I think I am unwanted...unloved.
Sometimes life gets me so down that I doubt my ability to get back up.
Sometimes I fail.
Sometimes I smile.
Sometimes I am happy.
Sometimes I feel alone.
Sometimes I feel oh so lucky.
Sometimes I want to run away.
Sometimes thing are so very wonderful.
Sometimes they are not.
Sometimes.......

Then there is now.

What To Say

2011-03-28T10:07:00.001-04:00

I have been feeling very blah here lately.

I was sick all this past week. I has strep throat which I haven't had since I was like 10. Then when that let up my allergies kicked in and I got all sinus infectionie.

I feel very removed right now. I have been withdrawing recently. Kind of sequestering myself. Lets call it self-quarenteening.

I was sick so I put myself in my room and shut the door. My Hubby who is the best man ever took care of me. Now I am better and I just don't want to come back out.

Maybe it is the after sickness blues. Maybe it is just laziness. I don't really know.

In the mean time I am trying to indulge in the below.

Night Like Tonight

2011-03-12T20:54:00.001-05:00

We have a pretty consistent schedule in our house. The kids are up around 6 or 7 am and in bed no later then 8. Every other night my husband and I switch duties of either singing or tucking. And then he sits outside the bedroom til Sioné is fast asleep. 2-3 nights a week I do the sitting and almost always at nap time.

Tonight however is my night and I am despising it. Hubby is working his late shift. The big kids are in my room watching UP. I am still trying to get bratbaby (do you like my new nickname for the chubster?) to go to sleep.

I want to rip my hair out. 2 HOURS!!!!!!! And he is still talking to me. I just wanna go watch the movie with Phabian and MJ.

OK I'm done...

I Can't Believe He is 6

2011-03-09T10:06:00.000-05:00

Alive

2011-03-05T11:45:00.001-05:00

I have been busy with life.

Not anything extravagant but just life with three kids and a husband.

And ya know what its good. Life is good!

The kids got a bunk bed yesterday. Its nice and I love it. They love it. It gives them more space in their room and it has drawers in the steps for added storage space. Its a winner all around.

My Hubby and I have been working on some minor (and I do mean minor) issues we have been having in our relationship. Without going into details it is thing like time management, alone time, and intimacy. I think things all marriages go through when u have been married for almost 7 years.

But I am lucky because we are very open with one another. We are able to easily talk about everything without holding back because of fear. We have decent communication besides the normal man to woman translation. You know men and women say the same thing but interprete words very differently.

The kids are doing great. MJ is nearing pre-k graduation. I can't believe how fast this year has flown. Phabian is almost done with kindergarten which is insane.

I am happy to report Phabian has been doing much better at school. I am not sure what changed but we have been trying to give more positive rewards and it seems to be working. So far so good.

Sioné is growing way too fast. He is 16 months old almost. He is so big...literally. he is 31 inches tall and 27 pounds. Bigger then either of his brothers at this age. I am enjoying every moment of him being this age. I know too soon it will be gone.

And me...well...I'm still working on me. It is a constant improvement and work or art. Like a panting that is ever changing and developing. My temper is getting better and I wish I could say my tolerence was getting better but as I said...work in progress right here.

So yea. Life is good. I have a beautiful family. Great friends. And does it get any better than that?

Time

2011-02-22T20:01:00.001-05:00

It keeps going. No matter what I do. No matter where I go. It just keeps ticking on.

My kids are growing up. They are getting bigger both physically and mentally. I am wondering now how to protect them.

There are a lot of things they need protecting from in the world. There is also that fine line between when to step in and when to step back.

Phabian is starting to hear things from other kids. Things we have not talked about yet. Things I don't even know how to begin to address with a almost 6 year old.

I knew the day would come when the "talk" would be had. I even knew it was coming fast. I however wasn't prepared when Phabian came home from school the other day and told me that a friend was telling him about a girl that "sexed" him.

I just stared blank faced along with my husband. I knew Phabian was waiting on a response but I was stunned.

Then my husband and I almost synchronized said what does sexed mean.

Phabian said it meant the girl took his shirt off. Then he ran off to play. We were left breathing a sigh of relief but still knowing it was time for that "talk" to be had.

This is where we are now...how? What? Who?

Should his father and I approach the subject with him together or just one of us? Should we include MJ in the talk since he starts kindergarten in July or wait til a different, but inevitable, time approaches? How much is too much information for a 6 year old? And how do we express to him that this is something to be discussed at home and not at school?

I feel adrift in a storm. I knew it was coming so why are we so unprepared?

Any help is appreciated and needed. I am soliciting advice. Books, shows, anything to help us along.

Tell me your stories cause I really need the help.

Today

2011-02-08T10:41:00.001-05:00

Today started out really...well...crappy. That is the only way to describe it.

The kids got up at 6am cranky and mad. Sioné was screaming his lungs out for no apparent reason. I spilled a whole cup of scolding hot coffee on my foot. It was all crappy.

Then as if my prayers had been heard, Sioné calmed down. I got the boys off to school. We went to Kmart so I could get Marcus a Valentine's Day present (wink wink). And then Sioné and I came home and had breakfast.

It got better. It will get better.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Half way to 50 and don't even have half the answers. But what I do know now is that is actually okay to not have them. And maybe that is the best answer to know.

Best of Friends

2011-02-06T18:29:00.001-05:00

MLK's I Have A Dream

2011-01-17T10:23:00.000-05:00

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check — a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. They have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

As we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied, as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their selfhood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating "For Whites Only". We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

I just want to take the time today to be thankful for Dr. Martin Luther King. Because of this man, and so many other who joined his movement and beliefs, I have the best husband in the whole world. I have 3 beautiful bi-racial children. He gave his life so people like me and my husband could live our lives free of chains.

After reading this speech over and over for years it still brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart sore. The words still ring true today and apply today. So many others are using these words today to still fight for the rights that are due to every human being.

Thank you Dr. Martin Luther King. Thank you for fighting the good fight. Thank you for giving your life so that my children will know and have a better life. Thank you.

Apprehension

2011-01-16T09:11:00.000-05:00

This Friday, in 5 days, i will be attending a girl retreat, for 3 days, with a bunch of friends.

There is 10 of us who have rented out a cabin in North Carolina.

There will be wine, mixed drinks, food, a fire, a hot tube, probably snow, and definitely good conversation.

There will not be men, kids, drama, yelling, screaming, fighting, or saying no a million times a day.

However, i am feeling a bit of anxiety and apprehension about going.

Hubby gave me the ok and go ahead a few months ago when the trip was first being planned. He has taken the whole weekend off to have a boys time while i am gone. He plans on having fun with his kids and enjoying the time off.

I am happy for him. He works so much and he deserves time off to spend with his kids. However i am still nervous and apprehensive.

The last time i went out of town for 4 days i came back to some bad news. Phabian had almost drowned. Yes everything turned out great in the end and no one was harmed in the long term, but it still doesn't help the fear i have of leaving my kids again. That was the first time i had ever left my kids for more then 24 hours. And something terrible almost happened.

Here i am leaving again. This time for 3 days. Really not even that. We are leaving Friday around 10 am and will be back probably around 6 pm Sunday.

I am nervous. Sick to my stomach with anxiety. I keep trying to tell myself it is all ok. Nothing is going to go wrong this time. I deserve a break and i shouldn't be so worried about taking the opportunity. I just don't want my fear and apprehension to interfere with me having a great time.

I need to come to terms with the fact that my kids will be ok with out me. Their Dad is very capable of taking great care of them. But in the back of my mind i wonder if he is feeling as nervous as i am. Is he thinking about the last time like i am? Does he doubt his ability to keep the kids safe? I don't. It is just my over protective mommy instincts that whisper to me at night, "no one can take care of then as good as you", "no one can keep them as safe as you", "no one can comfort them like you".

Then i wonder if my kids remember when i went last summer for 4 days. I mean i know Sione' doesn't but do MJ and Phabian remember. Will they be upset when i leave. Does Phabian trust that he will be safe while i am gone. It is just frustrating to have these things circling in my head.

I DO know that my husband is more then capable of taking care of our kids. I DO know that he wouldn't let anything happen to them as long as it can be avoided. I DO trust him with all my being. BUT it still doesn't stop the anxiety.

New Blog

2011-01-02T10:34:00.000-05:00

I started a new blog just for pictures. I will be taking (or trying to atleast) a picture a day to post there. It is called 365 - Photos of My Babies.

I started with today so i suppose it is really 364 for this year lol.

Anyways just wanted to let those of you who read know. I dont often post a lot of pictures here anymore so i figured this would give you all a chance to see the boys.

Be Here...Be Aware...Be Me

2011-01-01T11:45:00.001-05:00

So i say this every year but i am going to say it again. I HATE resolutions.

I don't make them because, as a people, we hardly ever keep them and then we make ourselves feel like failures because we didn't do what we set out to accomplish.

So once again i don't really set out with goals for the new year but just a better outlook.

I have learned lessons good and bad over the last year. I would like to think i have grown from my mistakes. But their is always room for improvement.

And boy oh boy do i need improvement.

So this year all i want to focus on is life. Living it. Breathing it. Being present in the moment. Letting life follow the course it is suppose to for me. Making and holding onto those memories that are made in the moments that we sometimes let slip by unnoticed.

This year is about learning myself inside and out. Being the very best me i can be. If i am giving my best then i cant possibly feel like i failed right? We will see how it goes.

I know there will be ups and downs. Good days and bad. Sunshine and rain. But as long as i am giving my all, through it all, everything should be right in my little corner of the world.

So here is to another year in the life. My life. My kids lives. My husband's life. Our lives.

Happy New Year. May you find what you are searching for this year.

AH HA

2010-12-30T22:38:00.000-05:00

So after hours of fiddling and some really sore eyes (all cause i am not all there today) i found the place in which you can turn it back to minima!

And TA DA!

What do you think. I really like it. It will take a bit of getting use to but over all i think i like the feel of it.

Screw Up

2010-12-30T16:39:00.000-05:00

So i went to change my background on my blog. Instead of using the normal site i get my backgrounds from i ventured onto another site to try them out. Well it has me change some stuff in the settings and then put in the html code. When i realized it wasn't working like it should have i tried to get it back to normal and failed.

I can not for the life of me figure out how to get it back to minima (or what ever it is called) so that i can put a background back on it. So for the time being i guess i am stuck with hidious (well not that bad) programmed background.

Can someone help me out please. How do i get it back on Minima or Picture Window Templates? This is the first time i have had to mess with any of this since they changed the stuff around. Boo hiss lol! Maybe i should just do a blog makeover and have it done by professionals and personalized.

Christmas Cheer

2010-12-18T11:15:00.000-05:00

So i have been trying really hard to shake this Grinchy mood i have been in.

Normally decorating the tree is a big hurdle for me. I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to my tree. I dont like muticolored lights (they are pretty but just not for me). If we do multicolored lights then all orniments must be white, silver, or clear to off set all the color madness. This year Hubby decided on blue lights. Which i was fine with but I insisted we do a theme of silver, blue, and white to match the tree skirt.

The 2nd difficult part is the actual decorating. I tend to want everything just right. Lights evenly dispersed, balls put everywhere with no colors the same touching. As you can imagine this is pretty hard to accomplish with 3 small children. So intern i usually need meds to get me through the experience (joking honestly i dont have meds but sometimes think it would be useful lol).

This is the first year we have had a real tree. Needless to say, blue lights and a real tree dont mix. You can hardly see the lights. Frustrating and disappointing really. Also to add to the stress, Sione' is allergic to the tree as proven by the rash on his cute cherub face.

So this is the tree after we finished it:

Looks a little sparse right. That is because you cant see the lights...ugh! Plus Hubby never got the other family ornaments out of storage for us to put on the tree. BOO!

I wish i had a pic to show you of what it looks like now. All the balls have been moved to the top of the tree out of a certain 1 year olds hands. The garland is no longer neatly wrapped around the tree but instead tossed in bunches here and there. And the lights well, they are bunched as well.

What i have found though.....

i am not in the least bit concerned. It looks a mess and I am OK with it. I am not stressed, upset, or even the least bit frazzeled over the fact taht the tree looks insane.

It is a freeing feeling really.

I do plan on redoing it on Christmas Eve before we put the presents under it. Some Blueberry Candy Canes will be there hanging on branches on Christmas Morning. And yes Santa will get the credit. Not only does he bring presents but he also rearranges trees. He is one great guy really.

So with a week til Christmas i am finally starting to get a little more into the Holiday Spirit. I was beginning to think i was going to get a visit from the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future if things didnt turn around.

Hope you all are blessed and enjoy this season with your families.

Praying and Praying

2010-12-14T09:57:00.000-05:00

Here lately I have been praying a lot. For a number of things. Sometimes i wonder if God thinks i am just whiny.

I have been praying for patience a lot lately. It seems i have been doing a whole lot of yelling and not enough loving. I am stressed and worried and just not in an overall great mood. The yelling only adds to the stress and bad feelings. I feel like i am spiraling into a bit of a depression. I pray for help with all of this. Most of all the patience.

I have been praying for God to help me with the bad habits i possess. Despite the many tries i am still smoking. Maybe more now then ever. It has always been a roller coaster for me. I get down to less then half a pack a day and i tell myself, "ok now is the time to quit". Then it is like my body rebels and i start smoking like a freight train again. It is a vicious circle. I don't want to smoke so i ask god to take the addiction away. To help me not want this anymore.

I spend a lot of time praying for those around me who need his help.

I have been praying a whole lot for him to guide me to what i am suppose to be doing with my life. Am i suppose to just be a mother and wife? Do i need to go back to school? Do i need to find a way to get a job? I feel so lost. I need His guidance.

Then i sit and think. Am i asking Him for too much? I don't think i am but i do think i am asking for things and then not listening to the instructions. I sometimes feel like he is showing me the way but i am just missing the turns because i am too busy trying to avoid the potholes.

Does this happen to you? I know God promises he will be there for us but he does not promise that the road we walk will be without holes and bumps. He never promised a even flat road just a solid one. Is this my problem? Am i just not doing what he is leading me to do because i am to busy trying to avoid the bumpy road?

How how i wish things were just simple. There is so much to do and never enough time to do it in. So much stress and not enough stress relievers. Too much yelling and not enough smiling. Too much! Where is the balance?

I guess i need to pray more. Listen more. Have more faith that the answer he gives is the right one.

Fed Up

2010-12-08T14:21:00.000-05:00

I have had it with our school system. I really am just at my wits end. When i posted about Phabian's school problems almost a month ago i thought i was their but now i know i am. Since the last post i have talked to the teacher a few more times and attempted to get in contact with the vice principal and principal to no avail. I have left messages, and even showed up. Nothing! Nada!

Today we got his report card for the semester. He got all "s" (satisfactory) except one. He got a "n" (non satisfactory) in completes independent work carefully. So maybe this isnt a big deal to anyone else but to me it is odd that a 5 year old, boy to boot, is expected to write neatly. Maybe i am reading into this too much or wrong but to me it just seems a little overboard. To add to it at the bottom of the page where the teacher can leave comments she said and i will quote here:

"Phabian is still doing very well, and is a good reader. His behavior has changed a little in this past 9 weeks. I'm hoping its due to the holidays and excitement going on around here. I'm sure he will come back ready to work and learn."

Now it has never been brought up to us in any meeting that he wasn't willing and ready to learn. For that matter it has always been told to us that he is a great student and loves to learn. He always finishes assignments quickly and picks up fast on new things. So i am confused by that last sentence. If there is a lack of work ethic going on it needs to be addressed.

It seems to me like a brush off of everything i have talked to her about. Like it was never discussed between us that Phabian has been acting out and how we could possibly correct or divert this behavior. I am just a little livid at the way the school is treating this situation.

But this is not why i am tyoing today. What i came here was to ask for help. I have decided to look into home schooling. I am lost a little as to where to start. I know a lot of mothers who blog also home school and i would like to talk to you guys. Where did you start? What resourses do you use? How do you keep your sanity?

I am not sure if i can do it or not. I am not sure if it is a affordable option for us as well. All i know is i am not happy with the way things are going and short of camping out at the school to catch the vice/principal at a free moment i am lost. So please if you home school or know someone who home schools send them to me. Give them my email, blog, what ever it is that you can to get into contact with me. I just want to get information and make an educated decision.

Death and a Funeral

2010-12-07T10:17:00.000-05:00

Have i ever mentioned here how much i hate attending funerals? I am not really sure if i have so i will.

I really hate going to viewings, wakes, funerals, graveside services. Really anything having to do with the death of someone.

I believe this stems from the fact that i watched my grandma buried when i was 14 followed by my mother less then 4 months later, a month after my 15th birthday.

I also hate hospitals. to be more specific i hate going to the hospital to visit people who are dying. I spent a week straight sleeping in the waiting room of a hospital watching my mom die. I went home for a bath one time in that week because i was too scared she would die if i left.

The smell, the tubes, the doctors, the nurses, the tape, the machines! It all makes my stomach absolutely turn. Even the knowledge of going to a hospital makes me panic.

For these reasons i avoid as much as possible putting myself in these situations.

Unfortunately, sometimes things happen and we can not avoid facing life.

Back in September my Great Uncle who we called Unc was diagnosed with late stage prostate cancer. By the time they discovered it, the cancer had already spread to his lungs and liver. Needless to say the prognosis was not good. We still had faith. My family is very VERY strong in our faith. We know that sometimes the answer is not what we want to hear but none the less God always answers us.

(I will not go into details about his care because it is a whole other post to itself. I might write about it here later so that it can be a light to others. He was treated in a way that no person should ever be treated.)

Back in early November i went to visit Unc at the hospital. On the way there my husband watched as i started to panic. The closer we got to the hospital, the more i started to breathe deep, close my eyes longer, anything to keep from busting into uncontrollable sobs.

We visited with him that day for about 2 hours. His daughter, and one of my favorite people, walked us out. She hugged us and thanked us for coming. We talked and then departed. At the time no one thought he would make it through the week.

Fast forward to December 2nd, I received the call i had been dreading. Unc passed away peacefully with his family by his side.

Now to explain why i was dreading this i have to admit that i was being a bit selfish. I was not dreading his passing because i wanted him with me. Not that kind of selfish. He is much better off where he is now. Their is no pain or sorrow for him anymore. He is at peace with his family who went before him. I was selfish because i knew with his death came a funeral. And the thought of it made me panic.

The viewing was Saturday night. It went smoothly. I managed to force myself up to the casket to say my goodbyes. He looked great. Better then he did in the hospital. The peace on his face is only something that comes with death and the removal of the stress of this world.

I spent time with family who was in from out of state. We laughed. We looked at pictures. We cried a bit when someone told us a story about how Unc had helped them. He had 4 children, 6 grandchildren, and 4 great grandkids. He was blessed and we were blessed to have him.

Sunday was the grave side service. They opted for this rather then a service. I was thankful. Having to watch the coffin be closed for the last time is one of the hardest things for me.

As we stood around the grave side and listened as his kids and friends all spoke i laughed and sniffled. It was cold, and snowy. My feet were freezing. My heart way heavy. But i was amazed i was doing so well. And then it happened. A friend of Unc's daughters sang Amazing Grace.

I lost it. My legs went weak and my heart broke into. This is a song that they frequently sing at funerals. But for me it is the song they sang at my mom's. It is the song she sang to me as a child to calm me and put me to sleep. It is the song she sang while she cooked or at church on Sunday morning.

In the back of my head i heard her singing and i absolutely lost all the composure i had strained to keep.

This is why i hate this part of life. It is hard for me. I am stunted at 15 emotionally when it comes to death. I don't know how or if it is even possible for me to be able to get over it. All i know is at that moment and any other like this that i have faced, i break down to a heartbroken, devastated teen.

I don't remember anymore where i was going with this post or how i should end it, so i will share a memory.

Unc always had a nickname for everyone. If he called you by your given name it was probably because he didn't know you that well. My Aunt Kay was always Kadeedid, His daughter Kim was always Kimbo, my Brother was always Lil Bean (Unc was Big Bean) and me....I was Pickle Head. This could be because he just liked the name or it could be because for a whole year of my toddler years i would eat nothing but green beans and pickles. Either way it is a great memory for me.

'Tis The Most.....

2010-12-03T09:42:00.000-05:00

.......Stressful time of the year.

A few days ago on my Facebook page i was telling (well posting for whoever was really reading) that cooking for the holidays is not stressful for me. I don't mind the hours spent in the kitchen or the dishes that don't come out perfect even after i have slaved over them all day. A matter of fact i love cooking for the holidays more then any other meal. It makes me feel full of joy and happiness at feeding my family. Knowing they are full, warm, and happy. It is GREAT (and probably a little weird to the rest of you)!

This Thanksgiving i cooked a massive meal to feed not just my family but about 15 people. I was excited! I normally only cook for the 4 (now 5) of us. It was great. I made turkey, ham, kale, mashed potatoes, gravy, baked mac n cheese, sweet potato casserole, rolls, and 2 pumpkin pies. Why 2 pies you ask? Well because i dropped the first one in the floor of course lol. Way to start out a morning i tell ya (consider this a Thanksgiving update lol).

Anyways back to the point of this post.

As i said, I don't find the cooking stressful in the least. I know things are bound to go wrong. My timing will be off, something might burn, something might get dropped (smile), and it is a guarantee that something will get forgotten until after we are finished eating (like the rolls). But i have come to accept this fact and just flow with it.

What i can not flow with is the never ending stream of "I want this", "Will Santa bring me this", " OH MY GOSH I have to have that". My kids change their minds like they change underwear. What they want today will be long forgotten tomorrow when they see a new commercial, for a new toy, that is even bigger and better. What was wanted yesterday is completely in the dust of today.

This leaves me in a tough spot when we did all of our Christmas shopping a month ago (we actually went earlier this year lol) and have all the presents we intended to buy in layaway as we speak. I have already told family and friends what to get the kids (we bought them both a tag reading system so books to go with that, trains to go with Phabian's Thomas the Train set, and Cars to go with MJ's race track, and clothes of course because Santa, Mommy and Daddy only buy toys). We are out of money and less then 25 days to Christmas.

We still have to buy for the 5 names we drew at my MIL's house plus my niece and nephew. This will probably take up the last little bit of free money we have. So all these late add ons the kids have requested from Santa are completely out of the question. I have tried to explain to the kids that Santa is also feeling the bad economy but somehow my 4 and 5 year olds just don't get what the economy has to do with Christmas.

It leaves me feeling ~~drained~~ ~~sad~~ ~~exhausted~~ stressed and a little like a failure.

Don't get me wrong we bought a lot for the kids. They will by no means go without a ton of presents under the tree. Plus they get presents from my brother, my dad, my MIL, aunts and uncles, and my aunts and grandma are coming in from Florida this year. They also go celebrate with a very close friend of ours who's parents consider them their grandkids and there for the rest of her family has adopted them as well. They will ultimately get more then they really need and everything there eyes can fathom.

So why in the world do i let this stress me so badly?

Why do i give in to the temptation to feel like a failure just because i cant buy them every single thing they want?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??????

Is it just me? Please tell me someone else out there feels like this as well? I need to let myself off easier but for some reason i just cant seem to do it. I wish i had some great psychological insight that i could share but i don't. LA SIGH!

So for now i am going to try to go relax and let it go. The kids will get what they get and what they need. They will not go without and ultimately i know when they wake up Christmas morning they will have those same looks of awe and excitement as they do every year.

I need to enjoy these fleeting years. Soon they will stop believing and start asking for extremely over priced electronics.

These Boys

2010-11-28T10:30:00.000-05:00

These boys right here have the uncanny ability to drive me up one wall and down the other.

These boys right here have the ability to make the worst situations better just by smiling.

These boys right here....yes them...they are the reason my world turns.

These boys have my heart. And although they squeeze it a little too hard sometimes; They never abuse it.

The Day After

2010-11-26T13:46:00.000-05:00

It is one of my favorite days.

The day after Thanksgiving.

Not because i love football.

Not because i get up at the butt crack of dawn to catch the deals.

Not because i am in a turkey induced coma.

But because it is so calm, so peaceful, and so full of nothing.

I woke up at 8 with the kids and fixed them breakfast. It is cold outside. I mean REALLY cold. It was 73 degrees yesterday and today it hasnt made it to 35.

I settled in on the couch with my babies. The baby went down for a nap. I turned on the WVU/Pitt game.

I looked over and MJ was asleep. I curled up with Phabian on the love seat.

With in minutes our breathing had synced and we were both asleep.

Those moments are why i love the day after. It is a lazy day of love, leftovers, and comfort.

How often do you get to cuddle with you older kids and take a nap in the middle of the day?

It is truly priceless!

Thankful

2010-11-23T12:21:00.001-05:00

I am thankful that i have 3 beautiful children.

I am thankful that i have 3 healthy children.

I am thankful that i have a caring, sweet, wonderful husband.

I am thankful that i have a healthy husband.

I am thankful that I am healthy.

I am thankful that we have an income.

I am thankful that we have a roof over our heads.

I am thankful we have clothes on our backs and shoes on our feet.

I am thankful we have a car to get us from place to place and money to put gas in it.

I am thankful we never go to bed hungry.

I am thankful that we are never thirsty.

I am thankful we have all the amenities we can afford.

I am thankful we have extended family who love and care for us.

I am thankful we are loved by so many.

I am thankful that we have another day together.

I am thankful that we have a table to meet around.

I am thankful that God is so gracious and kind.

I am thankful for so much and often so little.

I am thankful for my imperfections because they make me strive to be better.

I am thankful!

What are you thankful for?

Bad Mommy Sunday

2010-11-22T14:50:00.000-05:00

So yesterday was not....i repeat NOT a good day.

I had a bad mommy day. Yes i know we all have them but it doesnt make it any less upsetting.

The day started off well enough. the kids and I watched How To Train Your Dragon (super cute if you havent seen it). We ate popcorn for breakfast and cuddled in the recliner.

But somewhere along the lines a migrain made itself known. Sione' was having a super...i repeat SUPER cranky day. The kids feel apart when i ask them to help me clean. And Hubby well he was no help when i was trying to get dinner on the table.

All of this lead to a MMMD (Mini Mommy Melt Down). I screamed and yelled. I threatened. And at the worst of it i threw a dish (not at anyone; i was alone in the kitchen) and smashed it against the wall. I ended up knealing in the kitchen floor praying to God to take this dag blasted headache away, and to please give me patients to finish out the night.

Then after we had ate and the kids laid in bed i went in to kiss them goodnight. They threw their little arms around my neck and told me they loved me. MJ ask if my head still hurt. Phabian kissed me on my forhead and told me it was ok. And hubby fixed me a cup of hot tea.

It should have made me feel better but instead i got a big dose of MMG (Major Mommy Guilt). How could i be so mean to these people who love me so much. Thank God for blessing me so much with a loving family. Thank God these children are built in his light. Quick to forgive and forget. I love them and they love me despite my many flaws.

Thank You God!

Advanced

2010-11-19T09:17:00.000-05:00

When i was a kid starting out in school, advanced was a word i heard often. My teachers would say to my mom, "Courtney is really advanced for her age", or "Have you ever thought of advancing her a grade".

When i started Kindergarten, having never attended a preschool, i already knew how to read and do basic math. I could write my name as well as other small words and sentences. Back then (20 years ago) that would have qualified me to go straight to the first grade completely skipping kindergarten.

My Mom refused to advance me. She felt that it was important for me to have that kindergarten year to become accustomed with how school worked since i had never attended a preschool. In other words she wanted me to be socially smart as well as intelligent smart.

I had my problems in kindergarten. I got bored a lot since i already knew a lot of what the other kids were just learning. I was given special assignments to help keep my attention. I was aloud to go to the library and read if they were doing something that i already had mastered. It made me feel a little separate from the other kids, but over all i can not complain about my kindergarten experience.

I had the best kindergarten teacher in the world (and still hold her as my favorite teacher to this day). And the school dealt with me in what i would call a perfect way. They did what they could to help me excel and gave me things to do that both helped my education and my social abilities.

Now 20 years later i am facing a similar problem only in the position of my mother.

Phabian started Kindergarten back in June (year round school). After about 3 months of school we came to realize that he is a little more advanced then the other kids. He is pretty much reading now and writing wonderfully with little help. He can count and do simple math. Socially he is even doing great. I accredit this to his 2 years in preschool with the worlds best pre-k teacher and aid. They however accredit it to me.

Now as we approach the end of the 2nd semester he is starting to get bored. He is losing focus and getting in trouble a lot. Not anything major but little things that insinuate he is bored with what he is learning. Unlike the school where i attended as a kid, his school is apparently not prepared to deal with this. He is forced to sit through things and grin and bear the outcome of his boredness.

After a parent/teacher conference with his teacher a month ago i confirmed i am not happy with his environment. She pretty much told me that he should have been skipped a grade but it was too late now since we are already half way through the 2nd semester and the 1st grade curriculum would be too advanced. I was a little furious. We have known he was advanced since the year began back in June so why was this option not mentioned to me earlier.

I am not ok with my child constantly getting in trouble because, essentially, he is TOO SMART! How is that teaching him anything? To me it is telling him, " Hey your too smart, so maybe if you weren't smart you wouldn't get in trouble". To top it off they have a daily grading system. It goes from a Paw (best behavior) to a D (worst behavior). If at the end of the semester they do not have enough Paws that child will not be aloud to attend the field trip planned for that semester. So once again Phabian might lose out on something fun because he is too smart.

Yes i understand he still has to learn to behave and follow instructions. I get that, i promise. But what would be wrong with giving him something more advanced to do if you are working on something that you already know that he knows. If you are working on the letter F and you know he already knows that, why cant you give him a book to read or something else to work on? Is it that hard to give him busy work so that he doesn't get in trouble?

So here is where the big dilemma comes in. I have talked at length with MJ (and Phabian's) pre-k teacher. She knows all about Phabian and the trouble he is having. She suggested to me that i might want to go ahead and have MJ tested to be advanced to 1st grade instead of starting in kindergarten because he is also showing signs of being very advanced for his age.

I don't want to face the same problems with MJ that we are having with Phabian. MJ is already starting to read. He is learning from his brother and is almost on the same scale as his brother in some things. If i have him tested i don't know if there is a down side. If he passes the test (which i have been told is pretty hard) he will have proved he is smart enough and mature enough to be advanced, if he doesn't then it isn't any skin off anyone. He will just go to kindergarten and no one knows the wiser.

I hesitate because i worry how Phabian will feel about this in the long run. Phabian has always took pride in being the older sibling. He is older in age, he got to play football when MJ wasn't old enough yet. He got to start "real" school first. He gets to do homework. If we do choose to skip MJ a grade he will be right there with his brother. Possibly (even though i doubt it) in the same class. I just don't know how Phabian will feel about that or even how to ask him about it. They attended pre-k together for a year and never had a problem but they are older now and have had a whole year apart in separate classrooms.

So help me out here. I need opinions from everyone. If you know a teacher send her/him over so i can get that opinion too. I am just so confused as to what i should do. Advance MJ or don't? How can i help Phabian? What suggestions would you make if you were in this situation?

Christmas Is Coming

2010-11-17T09:08:00.000-05:00

And i am so totally not ready! But i am hoping with the help of 5 Minutes for Mom's Christmas Giveaway 2010 i can get it kicked into gear. As always they are giving away some great gifts. So if you are behind in your shopping and just want a chance to win some great stuff head over to 5 Minutes for Mom and see what you can win.

Dear Husband

2010-11-14T08:11:00.022-05:00

Happy Anniversary!

I don't know how it is possible that 6 years has passed. How we have laughed and loved, fought and bickered, kissed and hugged, and created 3 beautiful children in such a short amount of time.

I don't know how i got so lucky and blessed to have God gift me with such a wonderful man.

I thank him everyday for making you for me. For guiding me to you. For guiding you to me. For blessing us both so handsomely with the life we have together.

Six year ago today i married the man of my dreams. You work hard to make sure we are all well taken care of. I know i don't thank you enough for all you do, but i love you and i appreciate it more than you will ever know.

You work yourself til you are so tired you cant stand up. You love your kids more than life itself, and you love me. It is more then i could ever have ask for. Someone sure knew what they were doing when they got us together.

You have so many great qualities but most of all you have the ability to make me laugh. Even when i am so mad i could spit nails you can look at me and i just cant help but laugh. When i am crying you always have the right words to make me smile. When life seems to have gotten the best of the both of us you still somehow manage to crack a joke that can make the world seem brighter. I love that about you, even if i bitch about it sometimes.

I know i am not always the easiest person to live or deal with. I know i bitch too much and praise to little. But i love you. With all my heart and soul i love you. I don't know what i would ever do without you in my life. Who else would ever put up with all my crap. You are truly the love of my life and i can not wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

I love you Marcus. Please never doubt that for a second. Happy Anniversary!

Sione's One Year Slide Show

2010-11-13T21:45:00.000-05:00

"Sione' One Year Old"

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Happy 1st Birthday Sione'

2010-11-13T06:00:00.062-05:00

Dear Sione',

          Today marks one year of you being in our lives. One whole year since you came into our world and made it that much more joyous. It is hard for Mommy and Daddy to believe that is has been 12 months since i wrote about your birth.

          So much has taken place in the last year. You have grown so much and yet you are still my littlest baby. Mommy and Daddy have so many hopes and dreams for you but we want you most of all to love life and treasure every moment.

          At one you have 7 1/2 teeth. We thought you would never get them. They came in slow and painfully for you. You have no been the best teether but you made for one great cuddler while going through it. You got one at a time and then all of a sudden in October 3 came in at once totaling you to 7. Your little toothy grin with your scrunched up nose is my favorite thing to see first thing in the morning.

          I am not sure how much you weight but my guess would be somewhere between 26 and 28 pounds and you are such a tall little thing. You have your one year appointment on the 15th so we will find out then and i will make a note here later.

          You are oh so active. You enjoy running now. I mean full on, taking off, fly by the seat of your pants running. It is still the waddle run of a baby but fast and cute none the less. You also enjoy hugging and blowing kisses. Your little chubby baby hands waving bye bye is just enough to make and grouch smile.

          You do love your sleep though and are not one to be woken up. You go to bed at 8 with your brothers and wake at 6:30 with them as well. Usually you go back to bed at 8:30 for a morning nap and again at 3 for a short afternoon nap. Soon we will cut that morning one out and change to one nap around noon instead.

          You hair when wet and combed touch the back of your shoulders on your neck, but when aloud to dry natural is curly, curly, curly. It has changed from the dark black of your first 8 months to a dark auburn/brown like Mommy and Phabian's. One thing that hasnt changed is those dark, almost black, eyes and those lush long lashes. I think i have another heart breaker on my hands. Those eyes are dangerous and you know how to use 'em.

          You are curious about everything. Lights, noises, people all have to be investigated with all 5 senses. You are jibbering up a storm now in your own little language that none of us can really understand but love to hear none the less. You can say several words though. Hah Hah (Hot Hot), Dada, Mama, Num Num (Yum Yum), Bye Bye, BaBa (Bottle or Sippy), Buh Buh (Bubby), Na Na (No No), MiMI (Paci which we call Minka) are the most understandable.

           This first year has went by too fast. It has just been one day after another flown by. Good days and bad i wouldnt take back a moment of it. If anything i would go back and slow it all down. You are another gift from God and we cherish you more then you will ever know.

            Happy Birthday to you Sione'. We love you and are so proud and happy with how big you are. And as we enter the next phase of your life i hope you know that everyone is so very proud to have you in their life. We hold you in our hearts and nothing will every change the love we feel for you.

(I will follow with a picture post soon. Didnt wanna make this post a mile long.)

Update On Phabian and Other Randomness

2010-11-12T10:06:00.001-05:00

Phabian had his follow up with the Plastic Surgeon yesterday. Honestly he didn't tell us anything we didn't already know. Just a little reassurance that everything looks good and is healing properly. It actually took me longer to fill out all the paper work then it did for him to talk to us. We go back on Tuesday for another check.

Phabian went to school today. I kept him home Wednesday because the school was acting like it was too much of a hassle for him to be there. They said he wasn't focused and his arm was hurting him. Well DUH! He has a 2nd degree burn on his arm. I think i would be crying my eyes out, but not Phabian. He just tells you if it hurts and goes on with what he was doing. Anyways, I let him go today because, well honestly, i needed him to go. I needed the break and since he wasn't in pain (or minimal at least) i told him he needed to go. He was actually excited. He hates, and i mean HATES to miss school.

Tomorrow is Sione's 1st birthday. I am still in shock i think. It hasn't registered that i am no longer the mom of a newborn. He is actually a toddler and in many ways it breaks my heart. This time last year i think i was sitting mad on my couch, swearing that this child would never come out. Today i was one whole day past due and completely done. At the same time i was being patient and knew he would come when he was ready (or at least hoping he would haha).

I am stuck in this hole of emotions. I am excited that my baby is turning 1. I am sad that another year has passed by so fast and that my baby is growing up even faster. I am mourning the fact that i might never get to do this again (by choice of course) and it seems like it went by way too fast. I am dreading the days that i know will only go faster from here. How else do you explain the fact that i have an almost 6 and 5 year old when just a few days ago they were born? But most importantly i am feeling blessed that i have 3 healthy, beautiful children and a loving, supportive, hard working husband.

Time just moves too quickly. There is so much that takes away from enjoying those moments that are so fleeting. You have to work extra hard to capture the memories and enjoy the special moments. I can honestly say that this past year has been amazing. We have struggled, we have had ups and downs, but most of all we have lived, loved, laughed, and enjoyed our family.

And in the end i think that is what truly matters.

Wild, Scary Ride We Call Life

2010-11-09T09:11:00.000-05:00

It has been an extremely long and scary weekend. Things went all haywire, time stopped, sped forward, slowed down, and crept at a snail pace.

Lets start with Saturday. For the most part Saturday was normal. For the MOST part.

We got up and went to Saturday morning football practice. After practice they had a birthday party/lunch for all the teams. Anyone who has more then 1 child, or works in a school, church, nursery where you deal with more than one child at a time, knows it is difficult to coordinate anything involving a lot of kids. Well lets say serving lunch to about 120 kids plus 30 adults, in a room built to hold about 50 people, out of a kitchen the size of a bathroom, is not an easy or fun task.

After that was over we headed home to take a little nap. Hubby left for work at 3 as is the norm. The rest of the afternoon went pretty well. But here is where it gets sticky.

My SIL (lets call her C) was hosting a sleep over Saturday night for her son and my kids. The reason for this was because she was watching MJ and Sione' all day Sunday while we were at the Super Bowl games and we didn't want Phabian to feel like he missed out on the fun. Since the buses run funny at night Hubby had to take the car to work with him leaving me no way to get the kids to my SIL's house (her car is in the shop). So we called his niece (lets call her A) and ask if she would mind coming by around 6 and taking the kids to said SIL's house. She said that was fine and all was worked out and well.

At 6 that evening i texted A and ask her is she was still planning to take the kids to C's house. She said yes but she was waiting on her boyfriend to get home. I said ok i was just checking and to call when she was on the way. About 3 seconds later she texts me back and said she didn't know what was going on that C was at Granddad's house. So i said ok let me know whats going on. So i waited. All the while my kids are now screaming and crying because they think they are not going to get to go to the sleepover.

At 7:30 i texted her again. She proceeded to tell me that C was with my BIL (lets call him F) getting her cell phone fixed. Ah so this explains why my 3 calls and 10 texts have not been answered. So A tells me that she is not coming to get the kids. That since F is taking C home he is coming to get the kids. Ok that makes sense to me. So i text F to confirm and see how long it will be.

By now it is 8 and the kids are over the moon howling about how they are late and they are not going to get to go. The baby is exhausted and ready for bed and my temper is teetering on boiling. After texting F he tells me i will have to meet him at the house cause he doesn't have room in his car. I said i do not have a way to meet you there and that A said that she had already confirmed with him that he was coming to get them. He laughed and said ok we will figure it out.

Finally at 8:30 they pick up the kids and i am left home along waiting on Hubby. Breathe a sign of relief!

Fast forward to Sunday morning. We are up way early because we have to get everything ready for the day, pick Phabian up from C's, go pick up a few other people, and be at our home field by 10 to join in the parade to the Super Bowl field.

Hubby had ran to my MIL's house to borrow a few dollars and i was fixing my hair when the phone rang.

This is where time did all the stopping, slowing, speeding, and crawling.

C called in tears to tell me Phabian had spilled boiling water on his arm (i hear his screams of panic and pain in the background) and he needed to go to the ER right away.

TIME STOPS!

In a panic i tell her ok we will be there asap.

TIME IS STILL STOPPED!

I call Hubby at his Mom's and scream at him to get home NOW because Phabian is hurt.

TIME IS CRAWLING!

TIME IS SLOWING EVEN MORE!

Hubby finally gets home i jump in the car and we speed off.

TIME IS STILL CRAWLING!

We pull up at C's house i just out of the car bust in the house. Run up a flight of stairs to find my baby calmly sitting on the bed with a towel wrapped around his arm. I prepare for the worst.

TIME STARTS TO FLY BY

I look at his arm, slowly unwrapping the towel. I don't see bone (ok worst averted), but the skin is all peeling back and my poor baby's skin is red as a fire engine. We rush him to the car and to the ER.

They get him in quick and give him some Ibuprofen for pain. This is where i get to brag about how brave my boy is. They had to cut away the dead skin and put medicine and bandages on his burn. It is a 2nd degree burn we are told and no worse then a really bad sunburn. He didn't even flinch. He laughed and joked with the nurse and doctors all while they cut and bandaged his poor burnt arm. We are released with the instructions that he is not allowed to play int he Super Bowl and to return the following morning for a check up.

We proceed to the football field (still making the parade). He joins his team on the field where they give him a jersey to wear and let him instruct warm ups. He stays with his team and cheers them on from the sidelines. I am so proud of my boy. They lost 32 to 14 but still held their heads high as they accepted their 2nd place trophies.

The day was long and dragged out. We were at the football field from 11am to 7pm. By the time we picked up MJ and Sione' got some food and got home all we had energy to do was pass out.

Monday morning we got up and get MJ to school and Sione' to my MIL's. Then headed to the ER for our check up. Once again they got us in and out with instructions to change the bandage 2 - 3 times a day and follow up with a plastic surgeon in 2 - 5 days.

So that was our weekend. It was long, scary, sad, and hard. I hope to never have another weekend like that again. Changing Phabian's bandage last night was hard. the nerves are getting feeling back and it hurt him so much. I cried with him as i washed and rebandaged his burn. this morning wasn't as bad as it is starting to scab over and try to heal.

It is going to be a long recovery but hopefully in the end it will heal well and all will be ok. Just keep my baby in your prayers. He is a brave brave boy.

Would You Rather....

2010-11-05T08:00:00.001-04:00

Since i don't really have a lot to write about today i figured i would answer the prompt for today.

Would you rather be wealthy and ugly, wise and sickly, or beautiful and stupid?

In order to really answer this i guess you have to think out all the options so lets give it a go.

If you were beautiful, some would say, that it doesn't matter if you are stupid. You would be afforded opportunities that could make you rich, popular, loved (all be it for the wrong reasons maybe), and happy (in theory i guess). Being stupid however isn't a fixable thing. I guess some would say it is. But if you are truly stupid then that would mean you lack the ability to learn and grow there for leaving you always stupid. Doesn't sound very appealing to me. Beauty can be bought and stupidity just isn't acceptable to me.

To be wise is a wonderful attribute. Wise people are often wealthy in all the ways that truly matter. Love, culture, education, faith, family, friends, and work. They however can also push others away with their know-it-all attitude and obsession with gaining more knowledge. To be sickly, which i would assume means either a disability or disease, would be a hard thing to deal with for anyone no matter your situation or intelligence. I suppose when combined with being wise it would give you a goal to work towards though. You could put your intelligence to use to find a cure or build new machinery to help those with disabilities.

Wealth is measured in different things but for the purpose of the question i will assume you are referring to money-wealth. Money is a great thing to have. It can reduce stress for someone in a tight situation and help someone who really needs it. It can be used to help foundations find cures or help the less fortunate. However wealth is not always the answer. With money comes power and with power comes often a big head. To think one is all powerful is truly sad. Money and power can not always get you everything you want. Ugly...what is there to say about ugly. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder i suppose. So to be ugly would only be the opinion of those who see you as ugly but to those who see you as beautiful, well you get the point.

I don't know if i really would want to be a combo of any of these. I think there are ups and downs to all of them. If i had to choose i think i would have to pick wise and sickly because if you are truly wise i would think you would be able to know what to do with your wiseness.

What would you pick?

Sick...Ugh

2010-11-04T12:47:00.000-04:00

Phabian made it all the way to school today just for them to call us and tell us he needed to come home. He isn't running a fever or anything. Just vomit, diariah, and an upset tummy. maybe it is just a 24 hr bug. I pray that it is just that.

He has been laying on the couch since he got home a few hours ago. He seems to be feeling better already but who knows. As long as he is resting and drinking lots of fluids i suppose he will be alright. He wont be able to make football practice tonight and i hate that for him since this is the last week.

Oh yea did i mention that his team made it to the Super Bowl!!!! Go Generals!!!! I am so proud of my boy. This was his first year playing and he is just so excited about the championship. So i pray he is better by Sunday at least for he will be able to make the game.

So not much else to report here. Phabian - sick, Sione' - teething, MJ - brat (just kidding) (not really).

Hope you are all having a very blessed day.

Lord of the...I Don't Get It

2010-11-03T12:33:00.000-04:00

The other day i was over at my MIL's house and was telling her how i have kinda ran out of books to read. Until i have some money to go out and get some i just am stuck.

her being the great person she is told me she had a stack of books on the porch and to take what ever sounded interesting. I rummaged through and found Lord of the Flies.

I knew nothing about it other than it is a classic and suppose to be good, so i decided what the hay i will give it a go. Well that was just a great idea right.

Now to preface this, i consider myself a smart person. I read a lot. A lot of different types of books. I have read about 100 books just this year. All ranging from far out fiction to true stories. But i do not get Lord of the Flies.

Maybe it is the words from a time and place that i dont really understand. Maybe if it was written in all English(USA) then i might get it more. I dont really know what it is but it is just making me feel really dumb.

I like the plot well enough and i have been told to just hang in there and it does get good, but it is only a little over 200 pages long and i am more than half way through. When does it get better?

I guess i will just have to finish it and then see what my overall opinion is. At least i am reading and i guess that is what truly counts. i am showing my kids that reading is fun and enjoyable. And they will hopefully follow in my footsteps and become great lovers of books.

A Day Late and a Dollar Short

2010-11-02T08:26:00.001-04:00

So once again i am late as usual but hey its my life i can be late if i want to right?

I have been lagging on posting regularly and was really trying to figure out how to get back in the habit when i got my monthly Nablopomo Newsletter.

This is something i participated in when i first started this blog so that i could get in the habit of positing on a regular basis. So i figured what worked before might work again.

So i am a day late starting which really isn't a big deal since i don't much care about the prizes and such. (ok i do care about the prizes but it is easier to say i don't care since i am a day late lol). This is just about getting back to my enjoyment of typing away in my very own corner of the world wide web.

So here is to November and posting everyday (except the 1st). I will guarantee you now that not every post will even be worth reading. My life is just not that interesting people. But none the less you will get something everyday from me as long as i remember.

Hope you are having a fab Tuesday and if your in the US have a fun time voting.

I Wish I Knew...

2010-10-24T13:37:00.000-04:00

Why i have been a big ball of water works this past week.

I swear to you i have been crying over everything.

Good, bad, sweet, sad, ugly, pretty.

It has all made me bust into tears at one point or another.

Last night after Hubby and I were cuddled up in bed we started to talk.

It was one of those talks that you wish you could have every day.

You know the ones...

So intiment, deep, and emotion filled. Where truth is the only thing that matters and so you just lay your heart out there on the line and wait to see what happens next.

We talked for almost two hours. About everything from silly stuff to the more serious.

We laughed, I cried, we hugged and kissed.

In the end i discovered that i love him more then any words could ever express. We could talk til we are blue in the face and nothing i could ever say could mean as much as my heart feels.

Today he took the kids to the grocery store while i slept in.

When he got back he walked into the bed room and put a bracelet on my wrist. It is one of those little fake gold plastic things that you get for 50 cent out of the bubble gum machine.

I cried and thanked him. Because for me it isn't about the price or the show, but about the meaning. The simple fact of the "I was thinking of you".

I don't know how much longer these water works are going to last. And i don't know if i care. Because today, and for the rest of my life, i have the best man in the world to wipe the fallen drops away.

Random Dozen - 10-21-10

2010-10-21T08:00:00.002-04:00

1. Do you prefer to read the book or see the movie? Most of the time the book first then the movie. I have even put off seeing a lot of movies just so i can read the book first. It isn't always better, like in the case of The Blind Side, but i still love my books.

2. What is your favorite holiday and why? I love love love Christmas. It was my Mom's fave holiday and by default mine. I love the togetherness, the smells, the food, the music. Honestly there isn't much about it (besides the stress) that i don't like.

3. Which do you like better - the mountains or the beach? The beach most definitely, but that could be because i live in the rolling mountains of West Virginia. Isn't the grass always greener on the other side?

4. If money were no consideration, what vehicle would you drive? For me personally a 1986 Candy Apple Red Corvette with a Jet Black T-Top and black leather interior. For a family vehicle a Kia Sedona.

5. What is your favorite cold-weather beverage? I love coffee with Almond Toffee creamer, or Spiced tea.

6. How do you communicate most often with your friends: phone, email, text, face-to-face, or Facebook? My bestie i talk to at least every other day via phone, but most others it is text or Facebook.

7. How do you receive your mail? Mailbox on the porch, at the end of the driveway, down the street, or post office box? On my porch.

8. Of the four basic personality types - sanguine, phlegmatic, melancholic, and choleric - which is your strongest? Which is your least evident? Sanguine or Phlegmatic would have to be my prominent and Choleric my least.

9. What do you miss the most about being 20? Well since that was only about 5 years ago for me i would say nothing really. Ask me again in 5 more years.

10. How long from the time you get up, does it take you to get ready to walk out the door in the morning? Usually about 20 minutes if i am just taking the kids to school but about an hour if i have somewhere to go.

11. Who handles the car maintenance and pays the bills in your family? Hubby handles all the car stuff and i make sure all the bills are paid.

12. For those in the US, how many states have you visited? For those outside the US, how many provinces/other countries have you visited? I live in the US and i have visited 12 states that i can think of. California, Texas, Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio, Maryland, Pennsylvania, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, and Florida.

Sione' - 10 and 11 Months

2010-10-13T08:00:00.002-04:00

Oh my dear sweet boy,

Where has the time gone? Can it really be possible that in just a months time you will be 1? When? How? Why?

It seems like just yesterday i had you. Now you are 11 months old and getting so big.

Can we talk about those curls? Those beautiful, bouncy, shiny, curls! They make your Mama want to do a little dance. I just want to eat them up they are so delicious! You just couldn't be any more edible if you were actually made of chocolate. What really gets me is the little bitty tight curls right on the back of your little neck. They just make me squeal. Now if only you liked having your hair brushed all would be good.

That face! Can we talk about that face! Those eyes and that smile and those 4 little teeth! Yes 4! Almost 6 as you seem to have another 2 trying to break on in. I have a very very hard time telling you no. You look at me with those big deep eyes and give me that beautiful toothy smile and i just melt into a big pile of Mama Goo. I use to think i ran this house but now i know the truth. You! It's all under your control.

You are so big! Bigger than either of your brothers every thought to be at your age. You weight 25lbs and are 30 ins tall. Only half a foot shorter than MJ is at almost 5. You couldn't look more like your Daddy if you were his twin. You are walking, no wait, running like a pro. You can climb up, on, over anything that you can get a grip on. I fully expect to find you spinning from the ceiling fan any day now. You definitely give Mama a good workout.

You eat anything given to you. I can not complain that you are picky. And as much as we have tried we can not wrangle you away from that Binky. Oh well with time you will let it go. You are a great napper and sleeper. So much better than the days past. I enjoy every minute of you, even when you are cranky and mad. Life with you and your brothers is so exciting. You all show me something new everyday and make me feel blessed to the max.

You love your brothers so much and they you. You play with them every day and love your time with them. You love to chase them or ride with them in their cars. You play peek a boo with them and bang on the pots and pans to make a band of 3. It is truly music to my ears to hear such laughter and joy from the 3 of you.

I really truly hope this last month moves more slowly. I cant imagine you turning one and i am not ready yet. So please baby boy, for Mama's sake, slow down. Take your time growing up. And always remember...

I love you more then life.

New Me

2010-10-12T10:37:00.000-04:00

I have lost 15lbs in the last 2 months. No real clue how i have done it other than puttin in the work. I have been going to the gym at the recreation center while the kids are at football practice. So that is 4 times a week i am gettin my butt in the gym. I have been trying to eat at least 3 meals plus a snack a day. I am not a big breakfast eater so it is hard to make myself eat it. Plus i was sick for 2 weeks so i am sure that aided in the weight loss lol.

So since i lost this weight and plan to continue to lose more weight til i am back to my pre-3-baby weight, i also decided that i needed a new hair cut. I decided short and easy would be best and yesterday i did it. i must say i absolutely LOVE IT!

This is right out of the shower.

5 minutes later...

after a little gel...

i am styled....

and ready to roll!

With 3 kids i cant tell you how much of a time saver it is to just be able to shower, towel dry, and gel. I am done in 5 mins and ready to do what ever i need to get accomplished. No fussing with hairdryers, straightners, or anything else. Just wash, gel, go!

So this is the start to the new me. I am excited to see how my journey is going to go. I am trying to change a lot more than just the physical, but once you feel good with the outside it helps to have confidence in everything else.

Please Excuse Me While I Rant

2010-09-27T13:51:00.000-04:00

I teach my children manors. I teach them to respect the rules even if they are at someone else's house. I teach them to not back talk and to always always say please and thank you.

Do they always, 100 % of the time, follow these things that i teach them? Of course not. They are kids after all and they do not always do as they are taught.

However, I am a firm believer that you can tell a child who has been taught these things from the children who have not.

Clue #1: My children will always say please and thank you even if they have to be prompted. Children who have not been taught, even when prompted, just kinda look at you expectantly and with a blank stare.

Clue #2: My children would never just enter a home without first knocking (unless said home is owned by Granny or Poppy lol) and or asking if it is ok to come over. Above mentioned untaught children will just walk into a home, or invite themselves in.

Clue #3: When speaking about manors my children know it is rude to chew with your mouth open and smack our lips. Untaught children can be heard from miles away, while they chomp on the chips that they have so nicely given themselves from your kitchen.

Clue #4: My children know better than to ever interrupt an adult when he or she is speaking. They are to say excuse me and wait patiently. Children who have not been taught will continuously nag, talk, touch you til you answer them.

Clue #5: My children have been taught to address all elders (by which i mean adults) as Ma'am or Sir (Miss or Mister followed by a first name is acceptable if it is not a close relation but yet someone they know). It is the way i was raised and a sign of respect. Children who have not been taught manors will refer to you as "Hey you", "A, A, A....", or just poke you til you show them you are listening.

Now as i said above, do my kids always follow these rules? No, but i can honestly say about 75% of the time they do or will with a little prompting. We are still working on things. They are only 4, 5, and 10 month old. They have more things to learn and more time to learn them.

I also understand that not all people believe in teaching children to call people ma'am or sir. A lot of people now a days think it is old fashion or antiquated. But as i said before this is how i was raised and their for how i raise my children. If you don't want my child to call you ma'am or sir please tell them your first name so they can address you as Miss ____ or Mister _____.

To another point, i am not a free babysitting service. You may not allow your children to come over here to play while you go run errands or such without first asking me if it is ok. Do not think because your kids are at my house it is ok for you to take a nap. I may send your children home at any moment since you have not informed me that you will not be their.

Also i am not a food bank. I know kids will often ask without thinking but i find it a little crazy when your children ask me everyday if they can have something to eat. When i go to the store i buy food according to how many people i have to feed and usually i only include the people that actually sleep in my house. I do not mind giving your kids lunch if they are over playing and i am feeding my kids but every day 3 times a day seems a little over board to me. Maybe it is just me?

While your children are at my house i expect them to follow my rules even if those same rules do not apply to them at home. Since they are at my house, my rules do apply. If they fail to adhere to my rules after a fair warning i will send them home, no questions asked, and they will not be allowed to come back over until they can follow the rules.

Ahhhh...now i feel a little bit better. I got that off my chest, out of my system. Maybe it is just me but i just get so aggravated by things like this. Hope everyone is having a blessed day.

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

2010-09-16T11:29:00.000-04:00

It really is. But what they forget to inform you of is that it is harder on the parent of the child doing the above mentioned growing.

I read a post here this morning that had me absolutly bawling my eyes out like a big hormonal baby.

See i am suffering from growing pains. Not the kind that make your legs and arms ache. Not even the kind that make me want another baby. Just the kind that make my heart ache and wrench every time i look over and realize that my little boys are not so little anymore.

They are growing up way too fast. In every way, shape, and form they are becoming little, minature men.

I am no longer their favorite person to play with. They have a list of friends that doesnt include me. I am no longer the one that ties thier shoes cause they are learning to do that on their own. I hardly ever read the books anymore cause Phabian has started to read them in my place.

They are getting to big to cuddle with mommy anymore so i cherish those moments even more. They dont need me to kiss every boo boo and scratch cause big boys dont cry when they get minor bumps and bruises and even when they do "mommy kisses" dont make everything better anymore.

Phabian has started to roll his eyes and shrug away when i try to kiss him goodbye when he gets on the bus in the morning. He doesnt want all his friends to see mommy loving on him. MJ tells me "Bye Mommy" trying to hurry me out of the class room when i drop him off in the mornings. They dont need mommy to protect them anymore and to stay until they have adjusted.

They need me in different ways now as they always will as they grow. Soon i will be the shoulder when their heart is broken by the girl they loved so much, or the teary eyes showing pride as they recieve their high school diploma or go off to senior prom.

All too soon i will be the adoring mother in law watching her son stare at the woman of his dreams. Or the grandma watching the baby so the married couple can celebrate an anniversary.

These things are just around the cornor and they are flying like a 747 right at my heart. And my heart is too weak to withstand the impact.

I ache when i realize my babies have went from this:

To this:

How did we get here? When did they grow so big? Who told them it was time to grow up? Where in the HELL is my pause button?

I am trying my hardest to adjust, but the twists just keep coming and they just keep growing older and bigger. Some day too soon they will out grow me. My lap will become too small to hold them, but my heart will forever see them just like they are babies.

They will always and forever be Mommy's Little Boys!

Random Dozen

2010-08-18T06:00:00.034-04:00

1. What is your favorite fair/carnival food? I love love love a good funnel cake or caramel apple!

2. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Aren't we all? I think i have a few things in my life i could afford to let go.

3. What is your favorite gift to receive? Money of course cause i can do with it what needs to be done. Unless you consider hand made things from my kids. Love them!

4. When was the last time you tried something new? Lets see....I tried fish tacos for the first time in June and also at that same time i tried being away from my kids for more than 24 hours and found i hated it.

5. What is your favorite and least favorite book genre? I love love love a good series. I dont really care what it is as long as it has more than one book and a little mystery and excitement to it. I am not a big fan of westerns. Just never really got into them.

6.Silver or Gold? I use to like silver better but i have become a goldaholic since my wedding band is gold.

7. What makes you sigh? Long days and ignorance

8. If you didn't know how old you are, how old would you claim you are? I think i would go for exactly what i am. 24 is a good number and i like it just fine.

9. Would you break a law to save a loved one? To protect a loved one? Oh yes! Prime example is my kids. If someone ever hurt my kids (and i think most parents know what i mean without me going into details) i would most definitely be breaking some kind of law.

10. If you had to teach something, what would it be? Maybe acting or even religious history. The 2 both fascinate me.

11. You're having lunch with 3 people whom you respect and admire. They begin to criticize a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. What do you do? Speak my mind. If she is my friend and i feel differently then they do i have no reason not to speak my opinion of him/her.

12. Which of the 5 Love Languages is your prominent means of experiencing love? I am definitely a verbal and physical person. I tell my husband atleast 30 times a day how much i love him and appreciate him. Kissing, hugging, and cuddling is just a extra add on for us.

.......

2010-08-16T12:56:00.000-04:00

Just realized that for some reason the letter in the last post is not showing up in reader. So if you are only seeing a slide show then click on the post to read the whole thing.

In other new today is my blogoversary! 2 years and going. I dont post as often but there are no words that could express how happy life truly is anyways. Spending time with my loves and enjoying the days so that nothing escapes me is worth much more than counters and stats!

Have a blessed day everyone!

Sione' - 8 and 9 Months

2010-08-13T10:33:00.000-04:00

Dear Weeble Wobble,

It has been a wild couple of months. You are growing so fast and we can hardle keep up with all your developing skills. You are a fast learner but still tend to do things on your own time and accord.

At 8 months you started standing and scooting along stuff and are now full on walking. You wobble around and look a little like a penguin when you walk because you dont bend your knees but it just makes it all the more adorable to watch. You always have a smile on your face when you are walking and hardly ever cry when you fall down. You are just amazing.

You also like to climb. You busted your lip last month trying to climb the entertainment center. It is kinda built in a step like patteren and i guess for you it is just an invitation. You also like to climb on your stroller when you aren't setting in it. You make mommy and daddy a nervous wreck but we wouldn't change it for the world.

You are getting so big now. I am not sure how tall you are but you are probably creeping up on the 25 pound mark. Your hair has came back full force and is full of beautiful curls. I love to just play with your curls and brush your hair. Mommy wishes she had hair like you.

You are teething again which isnt very fun. You tend to get very cranky; especially when you are hot. Which is a lot lately because we go to Phabian's football practice everyday and the heat has been ridiculous. We spend a lot of the time watching from the car, running out the gas with the AC on. Anything to make my baby happy.

You are now putting yourself to sleep, which makes me kind of sad. You hardly ever let us rock you anymore. We just lay you down in your crib and tuck you in and you snuggle withyour blanket and fall fast asleep. It is great that you do this but at the same time i wonder where did my little baby go.

You now wave bye bye to everyone and also enjoy jabbering on the phone to anyone and everyone. No one can catch a syllable of what you say but it is cute none the less. We have our little baby conversations and you still reuse to say Mama unless you are crying and want something. However you are still 150% a Mama's Boy. You like others to hold you and you want all the attention to yourself but you always come back to me after a minute or 2.

You are eating so good. You eat more table/finger foods now. Your favorite is the little Gerber Pasta Pick-Ups Spinich and Cheese. I cut them in half and you just go to town. You also love any and all fresh fruit. However you are not big on meat at all. We tried some of the meat sticks and foods and you just nibble and then push them away. I guess it will take some time before you get into them. You are only taking 3 bottles a day now. 8 ounces each in the morning, afternoon, and night.

You sleep beautifully. You havent woken up in the middle of the night in a long long time (knock on wood). You go to bed around 8 or 9 and wake up around 6 or 7 depending on if it is a school day or not. You tend to take 3, one hour naps a day but some times cut it down to 2 long naps. Depends on what we have to do that day and what mood you are in.

We are so extremely luck to have you in our life. You are a joy to love and hold and make mommy and daddy do happy. Everyone who sees you loves you and exclaims how handsom you are. We couldnt be more proud of you.

Operation: Save the Baby Bird

2010-07-31T21:31:00.002-04:00

This is one of those stories i should have posted forever ago but have just been busy (or not).

The few weeks ago i was sitting on the front porch deeply involved in a book. The kids were in the back yard playing with their day. It was a nice warm evening. Peaceful and quiet.

Then out of nowhere i hear a scream and my kids running through the house. I being the great Mom i am, and not the least bit self absorbed in the book i am reading, yell at them from the front porch to stop yelling before they wake the baby up.

Phabian then comes out to the porch and whispers to me that there is a baby bird in our back yard. So i put down the book and venture out to find this.

Laying right in the middle of my yard is a baby bird that apparently couldnt fly as well as he thought. He had taken off from a near by tree and had a semi soft crash landing in our yard.

So what do i do? I call my friend and ask what to do, thats what. She informed me we should use a towel to pick it up and place it in a tree or bush and see if it flys home. So what do i do now?

I go grab my camera of course (and a towel). I think i frightened the poor thing with my flash.

So after our photo session i used the towel to pick him up and put him in our pine bush in the front yard.

We went back out back and played for awhile. Checking the baby bird about every 10 minutes cause the kids couldnt resist.

Finally when we went back before bed (about 2 hours later) he was gone. We scanned the yard to make sure he hadnt fallen out again. The kids took every precaution tip toeing around as to not step on him incase he was on the ground.

Alas he had flown away back to his Mama. So we saved a baby bird. The kids learned a lesson.

I must say though when i was explaining to the kids why we cant touch it, they didnt quite understand why the Mama bird wouldnt love it anymore if it smelled like us.

"But mommy you will always love us no matter what we smell like right?"

Ah yes my loves. No matter your smell mommy will always love you.

Just Because...

2010-07-31T15:27:00.000-04:00

I am so behind on posts. I will have one for Sione' coming up for his 8 and 9 months. Then i still have to throw some pictures at ya from Phabian's preschool graduation. Man i am just slackin. In the mean time here is some cuteness and a biscuit!

Firsts

2010-07-13T10:52:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was my first baby's, first day of kindergarten.

I am still not sure how i feel about it in all honesty. It's like letting go of a balloon and watching it float away. It seems like it takes forever to disappear into the sky but in reality it only takes seconds. That is the closets i can get to explaining how i felt yesterday.

He finally gets to ride the school bus which excited him more than anything. Me? Well it made the bottom drop out of my stomach. Kinda like when you go down a steep hill on a rollar coaster and your butt lifts off the seat, and your stomach hits your throat. Yea that would be the feeling I had yesterday as i watch the bus pull away from the curb with my baby boy on it.

All his life i have been there. Protecting him, making decisions for him, helping him to make decisions as he got old enough to, showing him which way is right and which is wrong. Yesterday i had to let go. I had to watch him climb those bus stairs to go off into a world where Mommy is not able to be.

He looked so small but not a bit scared. He left the scared part up to me haha. I worried all day long. I kept waiting for the call from the school telling me he was in tears and screaming for me. It never came. And i think in the end that was almost as bad as if it would have came.

The day went fine until school let out. First i must explain what is happening with our schools right now so that you will possible get a better grasp (or as good as i have since no one seems to be able to help anyone understand) of the situation.

We have 2 schools that are very old and are being combined into one brand spanking new school. The new school, however, will not be ready til after Christmas break. In order to make the transition easier they split the grades up according to school. kindergarten through second grade attend one school and third through fifth attend the other. They did this, so we are told, to allow the teachers to already have their classes sorted and when we all combine into the new school all they will have to do is assign a class room instead of having to sort kids into new classes. This made since to me for all of about 5 seconds until i realized the chaos it is causing for everyone.

The bus schedule runs like this: Phabian's bus (314) picks him up on the cornor at 7:30am then proceeds to pick up all the other kids. He arrives at school 1 (not his school) and is shuffled off his bus (314) and onto another bus (210). Bus 210 proceeds to take all the k-2 kids to school 2 (Phabian's school). At 2:45pm school lets out. Phabian and other kids are loaded onto bus 210 where they then go to school 1 and are shuffeled off of bus 210 back onto bus 314 and then ride home.

Now if that seems confusing to you imagine how it must seem to the 5 year old who has never riden a school bus to school and this is his very first day of kindergarten. Overwhelming? Most definitely.

Now take into consideration we (the parents) have not been informed of any of this. No one has told us anything more than where to catch the bus and the bus number 314, and where to pick our kids up and the bus number 314. We knew nothing about transfering buses or bus 210.

So Phabian's teacher calls us at 2:30 and asks us where his bus stop is so she can place him on the right bus. We told her and she put him on what we assumed was but 314 (the only bus we knew about.) 30 minutes later we call her back since we have not seen heads or tails of the bus. She tells us then that he is on bus 210 and that the principal is on the bus with the kids. She at the time had no idea that the bus would be going to the other school as neither did we. She told us she would call the principal and call us back asap. 45 minutes since school let out she calls us back he is stillon bus 210 and they are at the other school picking up kids.

Ok here is where all hell breaks lose. At 4pm an hour after school has let out bus 314 pulls up drops the other kids off...Where is my son??????

They inform (being the bus driver and the other bus aid) us he is still on bus 210 and should be along soon. We call the teacher back. Now here is where i will tell you I LOVE HIS TEACHER! She was just as concerned as we were and kept in contact with us the whole time. She gave us her personal cell number and up to the second we finally got him off the bus kept us informed of what was happening. She is a great woman and did everything she possibly could to make sure we were and Phabian was ok. She did her job and put him on the right bus and what happened from there was in no way her fault.

Finally at 4:30 after i was ready to bite someones head off bus 210 pulled up (with the principal on it) and dropped my handsom smiling son off to us. He was no worse for the wear and seemed to have even enjoyed his extended bus ride. The following conversation went something like this:

Me: May I ask you (the principal) if this is the bus he is suppose to ride home or did something go wrong?

Principal: (in snotty tone) Well he was SUPPOSE to get on bus 314 but he didnt know where his bus stop was.

Me: (trying to stay calm) Did you try to contact his teacher because she knew.

Principal: (getting more snotty) Well we are all confused! We ask him where he was going but all he could tell us was the church with the white buses. We had no clue. So we just kept him with us!

Me: (taking deep deep breathes) OKAY! Thank you!

Honestly what i wanted to do was jump on the bus and strangle the woman. How can you possibly blame my 5 year old son, who has never riden a bus before, to know where his bus stop is. He was probably confused and terrified. So all i could do was walk home, breathe deep, and curse under my breath. And i did! All three!

So needless to say we are hoping for the best today. He now knows he is suppose to ride 314 home. So if asked he tells then 3-1-4 when someone asks what bus he rides. Now if it happens again today i am telling you there will be bad stuff. My husband is not here to help me stay calm and i am not a patient woman when it comes to my kids being toyed with.

His teacher said she was going to make him a tag today so that he and the bus aid (or who ever) would know. We also introduced him to one of the kids on his bus and told them to help each other when it came to switching buses. Phabian is a smart kids but he is only 5 and even most of us adults cant comprehend this mess.

So i let my 5 year old spread his wings yesterday. He flew brilliantly. It is the first step in a long line of firsts and letting go inch by inch of the balloon string. His teacher later told me 9when i called her to let her know we had him) that he did great at school. He listened well, sat quietly, and played nice with the other kids. She said he was a model student on his first impression and she was glad to have him in her class.

My baby is growing up. He is excelling in his ability to do things seperatly from his family and as much as it breaks my heart to watch him go out into the world i know he will do well. He is smart, loving, kind, and gently but also so so strong.

Cross Roads

2010-07-11T08:59:00.000-04:00

So it seems like forever since i have really been able to sit down and write a long update. I think everyone has been pretty busy in our day to day lives, summer plans, and just enjoying life. So i thought since it is 8am and i am awake and the kids are asleep i would take some time and update on how life has been going.

I have been doing well. I think i have come to a cross roads in my life where i am not sure exactly which way i want or am suppose to go. I want to go back to school, my best friend is moving away, my kids are growing up too fast, and i feel a little left behind.

Lets start with going back to school. I think this is the harder one for me. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to go back to school but at the same time i am still really unsure what i want to go for. Now most people wouldnt scold a 24 year old for not knowing what exactly they want but since i am not your avereage 24 year old i find myself in a hard spot. Maybe you guys can help me wade through this mess. I have 3 fields of interest each with their own difficulty in achieveing or following through with.

First i have a passion and desire to do photography. I love to take pictures! I take about 100 a day and never get tired of it. It makes me feel great when i know i am capturing a memory that will last forever. A little reminder of what was happening in that interval in our lives or the lives of my subject. We do have a collage that offers photography as a major but the biggest problem is how far can i take that degree. I have a family that needs my help financially (and God forbid something happen to my husband i would be the soul provider) and photography can be such an unpredictable field. I have watched and followed as several of you have persued dreams of your own company and watched how hard and how much struggle you have had. As much as i love it i just dont know if it is reasonable or responsible of me to choose this as my sole career.

Then we have Nursing which comes with its own difficulties. The biggest hurdle being that the 2 year program offered at our local college takes a lot of time. Essentially you have to be in class from 8 am to 8 pm 5 days a week the first year and then the second year when you start rounds from 6 am to 5 pm 6 days a week. Now this wouldnt be a problem if i didnt like my kids or had no desire to be in their life but since i kinda am fond of the little buggers i have a BIG problem missing so much of their life. Then there is also the problem of daycare and being able to afford it on just my husband's salary for 3 kids. If i am in class 12 hours a day there is no way i can get a job to be able to pay for the daycare cost that would come with being in school that long. It is like a catch 22. In order to get a better job making good money with excellent benifits i would have to suffer through 2 years of not seeing my kids and struggle hand to mouth since i wouldnt be able to work and that would stretch our paychecks to nothingness. I just dont know if it is worth it to me.

Then their is my last option. I would love nothing more than to go head first into the pool and get my Psychology degree. I dont mean just a bachelors either i mean full out doctors degree. Now this is a lot of time and a lot of money but it is spread out more and would leave me time to work as well as still having time with my kids. My classes would be in the mornings while the kids were at school leaving me only needing daycare for Sione'. I would be able to work several days a week to provide the daycare cost, and maybe even a little extra. The problem is that 1) the local college doesnt offer anything but a bachelors which means i would have to consider moving out of state to finish my degree, 2) it is a lot of school and would rack up a whole lot of debt on top of the debt i already have accumulated, and 3) i just dont know if i have the support {as far as my extended family} to accomplish this long haul.

So as you can see my crossroads is driving me insane. On top of it all Chelsie is moving at the first of the month to Charleston, SC. I am sad about this. Really really sad. Chels is more like my sister than a friend. We have been together for 8 years. Having each others backs through childbirth, death, break-ups,heart aches, make-ups, fights, hard times, and good. We are each others back bones and our kids are just like each others kids. I am going to miss my nieces and my boys will miss thier best friends. Jayden and Phabian have been together since they were concieved (yes we use to let them play together in the bellies lol). Phabian tells me all the time he is going to marry Jayden when he grows up and ya know what, i believe him. He loves that little girl more than any other friend.

Marcus and I plan on moving down there ourselves but that presents its own problems. Money, time, jobs, school, it is all difficult. Neither of us have fmaily there but it is a half way point between my family in Florida and our family in WV. I was born and raised here in WV and it isnt easy for me to just pick up life as i have always know it and move to a big new place where i know no one.

As of right now we have set a 2 year plan. In 2 years we plan on moving. We decided this because we want to test the waters. Starting next June i will be able to wokr full time only having to worry about daycare for one child (which as you already read brings its own complications with school and such). If we move to SC it would require both of us having a job to support us because the cost of living is higher and the income would be needed. So we want to test it out. Have a plan mapped out so to speak of how things would go once we moved. We also want time to get our credit scores together because once we decide to move we dont want to just rent anymore. We want to buy a house. We are at the stage in our lives, in our family where we want to settle down. We are ready to own a home and stop using someone elses. But that requires us to be able to first afford it and then be able to qualify for a loan. There are a lot of decisions to be made.

So what do you think? I need some outside input as everyone in my life is too close to the decisions being made to really give me uninfluenced advice. I just feel a little stuck. So many decisions to be made and what seems like not a lot of time ot make them.

Sione' - 7 Months Old

2010-06-13T12:21:00.004-04:00

We are on the official count down to ONE!

I know i say this everytime but i really struggle with it. How can time have passed so fast. Just yesterday you got here, or so it seems. I miss those days of you wanting nothing more than to cuddle in my arms. Content to cuddle up on my breast and look into my eyes.

Gone are those days...la sigh!

Now you are off to the races. You have mastered the basic crawl and have moved on to the bear walk (on hands and feet moving with ease). You also are standing up supported with what ever you can manage to grab onto (who cares if it is sturdy or not). You can walk while holding on to things but still tend to trip over your own feet (or anything the size of a pea since your balance isnt that good yet).

You are eating more solid foods and less milk now. You tend to only eat around 3 to 4 8oz bottles a day with sippy cups of water after meals. You dont really like your sippy all that well and perfer to chew on it rather than drink from it. You are growing more and more fond of fruit but still prefer fresh over baby food. You still love peas but also have descovered the yumminess that is sweet potatoes. Your favorite baby food fruit is Gerber's peach cobbler (who can blame you it is yummy). As far as fresh fruit goes watermelon wins hands down.

You still have not managed to break your first tooth through and at this point mommy and daddy are praying you just wake up one morning with a mouth full so we can end this journey. It isnt that mommy doesnt like you little toothless grin, for that matter i love it, but you are so cranky and i feel like a tylenol/motrin pusher at this point.

As always you are the light inmy day. You have started venturing off to your borthers' room to play with them during the day. It gives mommy a breather but also makes me sad to think the time is coming too fast when you will prefer to play with them rather than me.

I love you my little bug. You will forever and always be my little joy filled monster.

Reflection on Reaction and Reflexes

2010-05-27T16:36:00.000-04:00

Has anyone every noticed that your reflexes improve double fold when you became a parent?

Today i was sitting on the porch reading my book while the boys played in the yard and Sione' crawled around the porch. We do not have a proper gate yet and as of right now we have a storage container full of winter clothes and a footstool set side by side to keep little crawlers from tumbling down the 2 steps.

Well as i read my book i heard a little scratch noise and before i could even think about what i was doing i jumped up and managed to catch Sione' right before the footstool gave way and tumbled them both down the stairs. Apparently it did wonders for crawlers but standers not so much. When he tried to use it to pull himself up it started to slowly slip and thank God for my Mommy reflexes.

Another example would be a few weeks ago when i caught MJ right before he fell out of the trampoline. I was all the way across the lawn and saw it happening and ran. I didnt even think or have time to think for that matter. Not that it would have hurt him terrible but it would have probably knocked the breathe out of him.

So are your reflexes different since you have been a mom? Is it a mommy intuition thing?

Random Dozen

2010-05-26T08:00:00.001-04:00

1. Would you rather host party or simply attend a party? Hosting is fun and i prefer it any day.

2. Tell us about the most memorable party you've been to. Probably the Valentine's Party i attened with my husband last year as we know know we concieved out son that night. I will never think about him without thinking about that party.

3. What is one thing you hope for in the after-life? I hope to be with my family who has already left us and especially my mom.

4. What do you enjoy most about sunshine? The feel of it on my skin. I love the warmth it gives off even if it is freezing outside.

5. When you attend a bridal/baby shower, do you prefer to bring your own gift or chip in with others to buy a larger gift? Bring my own but i often wait til after a baby shower to see what the mama to be still needs.

6. Would you rather have a FREE week of having your house cleaned or all of your meals cooked for you and your family? My house cleaned! I love to cook so i could handle that as long as someon eelse is cleaning it up lol.

7. What song describes your mood today? Mr. Roger's "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood"

8. What is something you received for your own bridal shower/wedding that you still own or use? (If you are not married, feel free to sub a gift you received a long time ago.) Lets see....a picture frame or towels would have to be it.

9. Your favorite flavor of ice cream is? Better Batter with marchino cherries and walnuts added in from Maggie Moo's....it is sooooooooooooooooooooo yummo!

10. When was the last time you felt "tested?" Oh god every day...ten minutes ago...3 seconds ago...i have 3 kids what can i say.

11. "[Fill in the blank] is a food that once I start eating I find really hard to stop." Chips, chocolate, cookies, ice cream...oh i know...Corned Beef...i can eat that til it makes me sick.

12. "-----" is the best motivation. My kids and my family. they can push me like nothing else.

Wordless Wednesday - A Day at the Park

2010-05-19T09:48:00.001-04:00

Please visit Wordless Wednesday and 5 Mins for Mom

Random Dozen

2010-05-19T09:11:00.001-04:00

1. What is one really fast, know-by-heart "go-to" meal to fix in a pinch? I am big on sphagetti. It is easy, quick and yields lots of leftovers!

2. What is one item you won't leave home without. (Purse and license do not count.) Something to drink. I always have a bottle of soda or water with me whenever i leave the house.

3. Where is one place you never tire of visiting? I never get tired of the beach. We go to Florida atleast once a year and the beach is always my favorite stop.

4. Share one factoid of your family's history. My great-grandmother on my maternal Grandfather's side was a full blooded Native American Indian.

5. Complete this sentence: "Once upon a time I ...." ...Use to be able to pee without interuptions.

6. If you could win a one year's supply of anything, what would it be? Probably coffee or creamer for my coffee. I am a joe a holic.

7. "One quirky thing you may not know about me is ...." ...I bit my nails up until a year and a half ago and stopped when i got pregnant cause it just didnt taste right anymore.

8. You have one dollar in your pocket. What will you buy? Probably a candy bar or some kind of chocolate.

9. "One thing that always makes me laugh is ...." ....When my kids make funny little joke that are so corny but they find it so hilarious.

10. What is one thing you could do today to help yourself reach a personal goal? Stop procrastinating. I am a A+ procrastinator.

11. What is one thing you could do today to bless someone else? Present anyone i meet with a smile and a warm heart. Ask how they are doing and if their loved ones are well.

12. What is one thing you're looking forward to soon? Summer vacation with the kids home from school. I cant wait for the sun, the pool, and lots of fun. (although i am sure i will be taking that back after about 3 weeks of nonstop kids)

Sione' - 6 Months

2010-05-15T14:35:00.001-04:00

Dear Cuddle Bug,

Mommy has been so excited to see all your new growth in the last month. Even the last few weeks have been really exciting with all the milestones.

You now weight around 20 pounds and are 26 inches tall. You are so chunky and I just wanna eat you up. You are eating 3 meals a day. You love your cereal in the morning mixed with some fruit. Which is about the only way i can get you to eat your fruit. Weird for a baby to not like fruit but you are your own unique boy.

Your favorite foods include peas (which are your absolute favorite), sweet potatoes, and mixed veggies. Fruit is a little hit and miss. We have tried them all and right now i can tell you that you hate bananas but love pineapple with pears and applesauce. owever you tried bananas with apples and pears and like that so maybe it is just straight bananas you dont like.

You are sitting up and crawling now. You are all over the place. Keeping you still is not an option anymore. You discovered grass the other day on a trip to the park and are now obsessed with it. You like to get into crawling position and put your mouth down to it like a cow. You are a fast little booger too. You have even decided that laying down to eat your bottle is too much stillness and that you need to eat sitting up so as not to miss a thing.

You are still trying to cut your first tooth but not being very nice about it. You can be a bit of a grouch especially in the evenings but over all you are still a very smiley baby. You enjoy attention and steal it whenever you can. You like to be held by anyone how is willing but you are also starting to know the differenc ebetween people you know and strangers. You often will give strangers very odd looks before giving them that grand toothless smile.

Your favorite thing to play with is MJ's cars. I suppose you like the bright colors but you more or less want to chew on them. I suppose the hard cold metal feels good on your gums or maybe you just like the taste of dirt.

You are becoming very vocal and it isnt all screaming and crying. You have started to make conversation type sounds like dadadada and ahahahaha. We often go back and forth "ah"ing at each other til you end the conversation with a high pitched scream or giggle. It makes my day to have these baby talk conversations with you.

This has been the fastest 6 months of my life. You are growing up so fast and i wish i could slow the time down and enjoy every last second to its fullest. I know i willmiss the days when you just wanted me to hold you all day because i already miss the dependence you once had on me. You like your independent time now and i love to watch you, but a part of me yearns for time to stop and just let me rejoice in all your baby glory.

I love you my little bug. You have brought sunshine to my life through your smile and warmth through your giggles. You are and always will be my littlest buggy.

The Love Dare: Day 1 Thru Day 3

2010-05-12T09:57:00.000-04:00

I think i mentioned on here once before how i was thinking about reading and following The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick with Lawrence Kimbrough. If i didnt then consider this you notice (cause i dont really know what else to say).

I heard about this book from some fellow mommy bloggers. They talked about the movie Fireproof which features the book. I do have the movie but have yet to watch it. I must say that i didnt think there was any real problems in my marriage which probably says more than anything how ignorant and selfish i am. I just figured i would read and play along with this book for fun and see how it worked. If nothing else it wasnt like it would make my marriage worse right.

So on Saturday i started The Love Dare. Day 1 was no gentle ease into the water. It was a giant leap into a pit. Patients was the lesson of the first day and boy could i use that lesson. I didnt realize until after i read the chapter how negative i can be. I jump quickly to conclusions and if i dont get my own way i tend to beat (not physically) my opponante into submission. I can be a bit of a negative nelly or debbie downer. In other words i am a bit pesamistic. I always pick the bad in the situation to focus on and rarely the good.

This in turn leads to a lot of unneseccary fights between me and my husband. Now he is not a confrontational type of man. He would rather bend and let me have my way than fight with me. Sometimes this is great but most of the time it just enrages me even more (whats wrose than trying to fight with someone who wont fight you back). So the point of all this is to say that Day 1's lesson of paitents and dare of "Resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all" was going to be a little difficult. So much for that cake walk i was looking for.

But Day 1 came and went and you know what i found? Go on take a guess!

It was simple and quite natural to be patient and postive to my husband. Yes a few times i had to bite my tounge and change my words to more kind options, and i even had to walk away once so i could calm down for a minute. But it came so easily i thought it had to be a fluke. So i went to bed happy that night and looking forward to the next dare. Thinking maybe this is a cake walk or maybe i just dont have anything in my marriage to fix.

Day 2's lesson was all about kindness and the dare was "In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness". Now this got me a little. Being positive for one day proved easy but nothing negative for a second day in a row might just prove to be my downfall. It isnt that i cant be a sweet loving person but i tend to run on high octane and low water which causes me to over heat quite frequently.

So since Marcus was at work that day i decided to concentrate on the kindess act first before confronting the no negative nelly routine. Let me tell you trying to come up with an unexpected act of kindness was th easiest thing i have done by far.

See i dont do dishes...EVER! I do all the cooking so it has always been our agreement that he is to do the cleanup of the kitchen. It isnt that i am lazy (although i am) i just detest dishes. I hate the feel of the water on my hands. That gritty, suddy feel just makes me queesey. So my act of kindness was to suck it up, put on my big girl panties, and do the dishes.

We had just had a BBQ on Saturday so i had quite the load to do. I finished them about an hour before Marcus got home. When he came into the kitchen and looked around he gave me a quizical look. I told him the dare for the day and how i figured the kindest thing i could do was take care of the dishes so that he wouldnt have to bother with them after being at work all day. He was pleasantly surprised and i felt really good about it.

As far as the attitude and not being negative it went really good. I have realized that it is so much easier to speak to my husband in a kind, explaining way rather than a yelling, raging, bitchy way. He returns my attiude ten fold and we treat each other the way we want ot be treated.

Day 3 was not really accomplished in full. The Dare for the day was this "Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse somethign that says i was thinking of you today". The lesson in this was about being selfless instead of selfish. Now i would never have called my self selfish but then again who would.

After some soul serching through the day i realized i am a selfish being just as we all are. We all look for what is best for us and not nesecceraily what is best for those around us. So i did not accomplish the dare for lack of funds but i did learn a lesson and i am looking forward to the day when i can complete it in full. As for the attitude on day 3.....

It came natural to just be kind, positive, and gently! It is a stride and i still had some moments but over all it was wonderful.

So i will be back in a few days with the next few days and how they went. Hope all is well in your lives.

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T10:50:00.000-04:00

I hope you all have a wonderful day. If you still have your Mother in your life be thankful and show her all the love she showed you. Be thankful for the ones who made you a Mother and bask in their joy today. The greatest blessings in our lives our often the people who surround us.

Vacation Slide Show

2010-05-05T21:58:00.001-04:00

Hey...Over Here...Yes It's Me

2010-05-03T14:54:00.000-04:00

I am alive! I know are you shocked? I have been gone for so long. Busy busy busy I have been!

Lets see where do i start!

The boys started teeball last month and are loving every minute of it. Phabian really enjoys running the bases and no matter what happens he has a surprisingly great attitude about it. MJ is not as happy all the time. If he doesnt get to hit the ball when he wants he gets mad. When his team heads into the field he always comes over to sit with us. Over all thought he enjoys it and i think by next year he will truly be into it like Phabian is now.

We just got back from vacation. We went to Myrtle Beach, SC for a week and it was wonderful. The weekend was spent talking and eating with extended family as it was our family reunion. I have family all over but most of then came from Tennessee. It was great to see everyone and all though we are all so very different in our beliefs and ways of life it is nice to connect and get to learn things about one another.

After they left on Sunday we spent the rest of our time with my Aunts. They had paid for the room and it was fantastic. It was a 3 bedroom suiet. It happened to be on the 16th floor and had the most beautiful ocean view i have ever seen. I took a lot of pictures of the view; both of sunrise and night. The sun rising on the water and the moon making a silver streach were 2 of the most magnificent things i have ever witnessed.

I however forgot the camera for most of our family excursions. We took the kids to the Ripley's Aquarium and how i wish i had picture of that to share but as most of you have probably seen an aquarium at some point you can use your imaginations. I was glad to be in the moment instead of behind it for once. The kids really enjoyed it for the most part. MJ was rather scared of the underwater tunnel. He thought the sharks were going to fall through but got over it quickly enough and enjoyed the rest of his time there. Phabian being my little Marine Biologist loved every second. Petting the sting rays was by far his favorite and i had to hold him still to keep him from falling inthe water to swim with them lol.

My husband and i snuck away a few times by ourselves. We went out for drinks one night and then for a little private walk on the beach at night. Once there on the beach far down from our hotel he stopped me and dropped to one knee. Yes my sweet, romantic, loving husband ask me to marry him again. He said he wants to be married on that beach under the hotel's gazebo. It is beautiful and i do have a picture of that to share later. He stunned me and made me cry of course but it couldnt have been more perfect. To know the man that i married still loves me enough to want to do it all over again is an amazing and powerful feeling.

We spent a good deal of our time at the indoor pool. The ocean was freezing and the outdoor pools were not much better so indoor was the way to go. It was on the second floor overlooking the ocean and it was heated but the cool breeze was let in by balconies. It was spectacular. Phabian is on the verge of swimming on his own. The whole pool was only 3 ft deep so he was able to take off his lifevest and go onhis own. By the time we left he was doing back flips and front flips in the water and swimming with his snorkle gear we bought him. He really is a fish in the water my little Picese. Mj is much more concervative and spent a good deal of time in the luke warm hot tub (there were 2, one that was really hot and one that was luke warm). He loved the bubbles created by the jets and proclaimed that it was a big bubble bath.

Mr. Sione' enjoyed every minute of his attention. He loved the pools and his young cousins from New Hampshire enjoyed holding and spoiling him. Not so great now that we are home and i dont want to be holding him all the time but he enjoyed it then atleast. He also enjoyed the pool. He is a natural swimmer and with only the slightest hand to hold him up was doggy paddeling around the pool. It amazed me. I have never seen a baby do such a thing but it was brillant to watch. He also loved to fall asleep on our hotel balcony listening to the waves crash on the shore. Who could blame the little guy as even i have to admit it was very calming to the senses.

We aalso took the boys to play Putt Putt and wasnt that fun. It was the hottest day there and we all were sweating and steaming by the time we were done with our 18 holes of pirate funny. MJ however did not like the rules of the game and would move his ball constantly to where he thought it should have landed. It was so much fun to just be with them in those moments.

My Grandma celebrated her 83rd birthday while we were there. She says she doesnt feel much older and who can blame her when she is surrounded by the youth of her great-grandchildren. She has survived so much in her life and i love her so much.

We made it home safe and sound after getting treated to a storm and a double rainbow on our last day there. I have some beautiful pics as soon as i get them on the comp and loaded i will be sharing.

Now it is back to everyday life. School, kids, cooking, cleaning, teeball games, and soon football season will be upon us. Man life is moving so fast and i am finding it harder and harder to keep up.

I will be back soon with pics from vacation and Sione's 6 month update. Til then i hope you all are having a wonderful time enjoying what life has to offer.

A Little Pic Peek

2010-04-09T20:20:00.000-04:00

I Wanna Smash Something!!!!!

2010-04-07T18:24:00.000-04:00

So i am going to go off on a very short rant here. Pls bear with me! (And pardon my grammer, cursing, and any shorthand typing)

My land lord called us earlier and ask if we had dropped off our rent check yet. My husband informed him that we did indeed drop the check off in his mailbox on Monday. He then informed us that he did not recieve it and needed us to write him another one.

Well it costs me $34 dollars to viod the first check that HE lost. My husband was to chicken shit to call him back and tell him that we were taking the $34 dollars out of the check so I manned up and did it.

I politely told him that since he could not find the check that i would be removing the check cancelation fee of $34 from this months rent. I think since HE lost the check that it is his fault not ours and i shouldnt have to pay out of pocket for his mistake (especially since i dont have the extra money).

Anyways he asks me then when can he have the other $34 and i am like really are you frickin kiddin me?????? So i told him screw it he could have it out of our next paycheck onthe 16th!!!!

I am so livid right now. He is nothing but a slum lord. Out kitchen sink is broke, the floor in the dinning room is starting to fall threw (and has been since we moved in 2 years ago), the bathroom sink and toliet stays stopped up, and he refuses to fix anything. Always asking if we know anyone who can fix it for us or could we have my Husband's Uncle (who also rents off this man the house behuind ours). I mean he is good for nothing and rents piece of crap houses that unfortunaly we fell into because the was all we could afford at the time.

Now we have no omoney to move and i feel like if i dont get the hell out of here i just might throw something and break a damn window. I am sick of living in a sucky neighborhood, with a sucky land lord, and having to pay for other peoples fricken mistakes.

Seriously does anyone know of any laws that this crap falls under? Right now i am just in the right mind to sue the crap outta the guy if i could find a way to do it!

UGH...now i feel a bit better. Thanks for baring with me.

Sione' - 4 and 5 Months

2010-04-02T17:20:00.000-04:00

Dear Sweet Cuddle Bug Sione'

You are almost 5 months old now and the last 2 months have been a trip!

You are now almost 20 pounds and Mommy just cant believe how fast you have grown. You are just the chunckiest thing i have ever seen and the most beautiful baby boy Mama has ever laid eyes on. I just wanna kiss you all day long.

Your little personality is starting to shine. You always wake up happy and have a smile for anyone who talks to you. However, you are a true Mama's boy! If anyone else is holding you and you see me you start to whine and will not stop til you are in my arms. Then you resume smiling and cooing at those around you.

You are a rolling machine now. You like to lay in the floor (with the company of others) and roll all over the place. You also try to do a basic army type crawl but it is so adorable to watch you try. You love going outside and being in you jumper but refuse to use it indoors. We have been outside a lot lately because the weather is finally warming up. You are just so darn cute looking wide eyed all around at your new surroundings.

You are on a pretty good schedule now. I allowed you to set it yourself and never force you to sleep. It is something new to me since with your brothers i always chose the schedule and forced the naps. You usually go to bed around 10 or 11 and wake around 6 or 7. You go back to bed for your morning nap around 9:30 or 10 and sleep for an hour or so. You take a long afternoon nap from 1 to about 4 and the a small evening nap aroung 5 or 6. You always let me know when you are tired and never struggle against the feeling.

You started baby food last month and we have been enjoying every minute of it. The only thing you really do not like is Bananas and Peaches. You love everything else and especially your Peas and Apples. I think that is sue to the fact that they are a littloe thicker than everything else so we may try some stage 2 and see if you like it better. You also now take your cereal in the mornings out of a bowl. It was hard to convince daddy that you didnt need it in your bottle to help you sleep but you showed him that you sleep just fine without it.

So you eat your cereal in the morning and then a veggie and fruit for lunch around 12 and then a veggie and fruit for dinner around 6. You are doing so well with a spoon and it really shocked me. I think you just like your food and dont care how it gets to you hehe.

Yesterday (04-01-10) you reach for me for the very first time. I just about cried when i saw you little chubby arms jet out from your Daddy's body and jerk towards me. It was a first for you and the cutest thing i think i have seen.

I am so happy everyday looking in your face and seeing how much you love me and your family. We allk love you so so much and cant imagine how we possible did without you for so long. You are our little angel and we love you.

(i will be adding pictures soon i promise)

Repulsed

2010-03-22T13:34:00.000-04:00

Did anyone else watch Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution last night? I did!

Before i go into my thoughts on the show and my opinion i want to say something.

I am from West Virginia. I live in Charleston which is about an hour more or less from Huntington. I was born and raised in this beautiful state. I have talked here before about how i love my state. I think we are highly undervalued as a state in general and i think the overall opinion of our state as a whole is completely distorted.

Often when mentioned in casual conversation in other states we are refered to as hillbillies, rednecks, illiterate. We are not thought to be smart or reputable people. We are talked down to and often shown or dipicted as white trash. A lot of people out west do not even realize we are a state unto ourselves.

This in and of itself is hurtful. We have several popular and formidable colleges. We have produced many intelligent people including actors, actresses, athletes, lawyers, doctors, and politicians. Yes we are proud people and yes we are "country". Most of us were raised to live off the land or use our natural resources to our aide. My borther hunts as do most of my male counsins. I have my own opinions on guns but that is another topic. I eat deer meat, squirel and rabbit (although the later 2 are not high on my list). I have swam in creeks and slept under the stars.

Yes we have a very high illiteracy rate, yes we have a high obesity rate, yes our state has a high teen pregnancy rate, yes we are at the bottom of the poverty level. All these thigns are true. But with truth comes knowledge and even if most of us are not college educated we are high in life lessons. We are willing to learn and willing to do what we must to survive.

I said all of that so i could say this:

I am repulsed, offended, and highly upset at the way some of these people recieved and treated Jamie Oliver. He came here to help us with a problem that doesnt just effect us but the whole US and we treated him unkind. I humbly appologize for the way a few seem to have represent our state. It seems that is the way it always is. I appreciate ont he other hand how others opened him with open arms and allowed him to come into their lives and share his wealth of knowledge. And although he may never read this, i want to say thank you to Jamie himself for waging this war on obesity. Our and our childrens lives depend on what this one man can teach us.

Now on to the show and Jamie's whole purpose of the Food Revolution.

I think this man has opened the eyes of what i hope will be America. I know i cried as i watched what they were feeding our kids. As a mother to young children i was sick. Phabian will begin kindergarten in a few months and i know now that i will be packing his lunches.

Pizza for breakfast, followed by chicken nuggets for lunch. Nothing but processed food and nothing fresh but white bread rolls and a few fruits. I am just as gulity as the next mom of doing the drive thru thing what is probably to often. On the other hand i also cook a lot of meals from scratch. We grill a lot, we bake a lot, and our stove is in constant use. I try to buy health snacks such as fresh fruit and veggies as much as possible but often i find myself going for the convient stuff just as often.

It scares me that i myself am taking year off of my childrens lives by the simple things that i feed them. As parent we often vow that we would never do anything to harm our kids but we never think about what we are putting into there bodies as harming them.

I plan to follow along on this journey Jamie Oliver has started. I signed the petition for better food in our children's schools and i encourage you to go to the website, read, and sign as well. Make them rethink what they are feeding out kids and their guidelines for what health food is.

I hope to start cooking better meals and opting for more fresh and less processed. It is a journey but i do not want to harm my kids anymore with the trash i feed them. I want me and my children and my husband to be healthy and live long lives. And if that means spending a little more money on food and less on recreation than so be it we will find the money somewhere.

I hope yo all are doing well and i promise my next post will have lots more cute cuddle kids and a lot less raving mad lunatic hehe.

Doc Appointments

2010-03-16T14:07:00.000-04:00

So we had doctor appointments today. All three got to see the doctor and have a good chat.

Phabian is up to date on his shots and should not have to have anymore til he is atleast 12. He is 43 ins tall and 41 lbs. His eye sight and hearing are both great. He got to show off by writing his name and identifying all of his colors. He is really proud of himself and had no problems. Dr. wrote us a prescription for both og the boys for there allergies and there exzema. She is 10 fold better than our last peditrician.

MJ is doing great although he will have to go back for his 4 year shots in about a month or so. He is 33 lbs now and 36 ins tall. He also got to write his name and tell her his name and age as well as his colors. He is such a ham. He was so apprehensive about the new doctor. He kept asking if she was going ot give him a shot lol. He finally warmed up to her when he realized she wasnt going to hurt him.

Sione' is 4 months old now. It amazes me every day how much he has changed in just 4 months. He weights 17lbs and is 25 ins long. He is able to pull up on your fingers and jump around in a bouncy. He is so strong and so sweet. He was not happy about his shots but now he is sleeping it all off. He goes back in 2 months.

So i am blessed to have 3 healthy happy growing boys. They are all smart as can be and happy. And that makes me a happy Mama!

Im So Behind

2010-03-15T22:28:00.000-04:00

I am so behind in all my blogging.

Sometime this week i will be getting Phabian's 5 year post up. I still am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that my first born baby is 5 and will be starting kindergarten soon. But with 5 it seems a lot of attitude has come. The rebellious, i can do what i want to do attutude that drives me nuts.

Also coming up this week i will be posting Sione's 4 month post. He is so chunky and so sweet. I can barley resist his cute little face. I just cant believe he is 4 months old aready. Time is flying by and i just wanna press pause.

All the kids have a doctor appointment tomorrow. That should be fun. Since hubby has to work i ask a friend to come with me to help me out. It would be interesting trying to get all three kids in the car and ready to got in a timely manner.

So to recap...Phabian is 5, Sione' is 4 months and MJ will be 4 next month...ahhhhhhhhhhh!

My Boys

2010-03-01T13:02:00.001-05:00

I love my boys. There is nothing in this world i would not do for them. There is nothing in this world they could do to make me not love them. These are things i never understood when my parents use to say them to me. But i get it now. Having kids has changed me, changed my heart forever.

My boys are my heart, my soul, my life. I would walk to the end of the earth and back with no water or food to make sure they are protected. I doubt there is a ~~good~~ parent in the world who would say other wise of their children.

I held MJ on my lap the other night. He laid his head on my shoulder with his little legs wrapped around me. I cried into his hair. Tears of worry, tears of joy, tears of loss. I know my days of protecting them are numbered. The day will come when they are out of my nest and no longer want me to hold them as i do now.

I cried most because i see this change already. Too soon it has come. Phabian sometimes says "ew" and wipes my kisses from his cheeks. He doesn't always like me to hold him for long periods of time. MJ manipulates, sometimes, my love in order to get what he wants. He will hold me and tell me he loves me and in the next breathe ask for what he really wants.

I know these children of mine will always love me. I know that one day they will understand everything i do for them just as i now understand everything my parents did for me. I know there will always be space in my arms and on my lap for them. Still yet part of me aches.

As Sione' gets older my time as a mother of young children will slowly come to an end. He will be the last (or atleast we say he will be but only God really knows). With the last will come many last milestones. May bittersweet moments.

After i tuck my kids into bed and kiss them goodnight, when i am in bed myself being held by a man who loves me more than any man ever has, i pray that God help me protect my kids. My prayers are often the same. Protect them when i cannot, hold them safe in your arms when my arms are weak, help them see right and wrong when i falter and dont show them the right path, and let them know the same love that i have expierence in my life. And i know god hears me.

I love my boys. More than anything in the world. They are my heart, my soul, my life.

Life Moves Along (In Which I Ramble)

2010-02-20T17:39:00.000-05:00

So life is chugging along as normal. Kids are growing, and Hubby is working. Life is moving on.

I cleaned out my reader yesterday. It was cluttered and full. I had 1000s of unread post and a ton of blogs that i havent even looked at in over a year. So i did what i needed to do. I earsed a lot of the blogs on my list and then did a mass delete of post so i could start fresh. I woke this morning with only 52 blog posts to read through.

Sometimes this whole blog thing runs away with me. I get so caught up in other people stories that i want nothing more than to read through a blog day in and out. I spend far too much time sitting at the computer. I just feel at home behind this screen. I feel like people know me and understand me here.

Real life can be cruel and people can be rude and uninteresting. Here in the blog world there is always a story to read. Always a person you can relate to. And despite the occasional rude person everyone can get along on the most basic levels of human need. We build communities and friendships that we would have never found just down the street.

I have been deep into a lot of books. I just finished The Secret Life Of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. It was a beautiful story of how the human body and soul needs someone to believe in. How sometimes the truth can be worse than not knowing at all. How we all in the end have the same fear of not being loved.

I just started reading Dear John by Nicholas Sparks. It is good so far but i am only about 30 pages in. The main character (the boy lol) reminds me a lot of myself as a teen. Looking for purpose. In and out of trouble. I have a feeling this book is going to be a great read.

I have been in laundry mode for 3 days now. Our washer had broke about a month ago and so the only time we could get laundry done was on Hubby's day off at his Mom's when we didnt have anything else we were suppose to do (which isnt often). We had so much backed up laundry that when we did go to my MIL's we only had time to do the essentials which left a lot of other stuff needing to be washed. Now that we finally got a new washer (and dryer) i have been stuck doing laundry for days. It really kind sucks.

I have also been trying to get the house in order. We were planning on moving but that is a whole other post unto itself. So i have been cleaning inbetween folding and washing and ~~dying~~ drying. I bought a new Dyson Vacuum (not the ball as so many peple ask) and it is the new highlight of my day lol. I am amazed at how much dust and crap my old vacuum missed. It has a washable filter which is a big money saver and a huge plus.

I am sick of the snow! Plum fed up to my scalp with white puffiness. It has snowed at least 3 days a week for what seems like forever. It warms up just long enough to melt the last fallen snow before the next storm comes through and blankets us again. I feel like i am stuck in a snowglobe and once a week a head strong child comes through and turns it upside down dumping ~~a ton~~ six inches or more all over again. The kids miss 3 days make up one on what should have been a off day (Presidents Day) and then miss 3 more. At this rate they are never going to see a Summer break cause they will still be making up snow days.

On a brighter note Spring is just right around the cornor. With it comes the hope of warmer weather, bright blossoms, fruity smells , and soft breezes. We can end this cabin fever and emerge ourselves in the beauty of nature.

Phabian will be 5 in a little over 2 weeks and i dont think i am ready for it. I am not ready for my first born to be a number that sounds so grown. He will be starting a whole new phase in his life soon and i cringe at the thought of him not being my little baby/toddlers/preschooler. He corrects me now if i call him a little boy. He says he is a big boy and it breaks my heart.

Oh yea my birthday was the 9th. I ~~treated myself with hubby's money~~ got treated to a complete day to myself. I got my hair cut and styled, my nails manicured and polished, my body massaged (oh yea it was as good as it sounds), and the was taken to a movie (The Lovely Bones which i dont think i would have liked as much if i hadnt read the book first). It was a crazy day. I had my favorite lunch, a ruben from Penn Station. That was a late lunch which is why we didnt go out to dinner.

My sister had her party (her birthday is the 14th) (Yes Valentines Day and yes it sucks for her just as bad as most Christmas babies) on the 11th. We ate at the best Sushi place in town with a bunch of friends and then went out to a pub and had a few drinks. It was a great night.

V-Day was nothing real special. Hubby had to work although he did call me from work to tell me he loved me and Happy Valentines Day. When he got home he had bought me a beautiful bouque of yellow roses. I have pictues that i will try to share eventually.

The baby has been sick for the last few days. His little nose is stopped up ~~because he hates the sucker~~ and he cant breathe real good. So it has been a few nights of ~~hell~~ ~~torture~~ ~~crying~~ loving my cuddle bug so he can fall asleep. I really do feel bad for him and i wish there was mroe i could do. We have been putting Johnsons Baby Vapor in his bath and it helps a little but i really just wish this weather would warm up so all this sickness can leave us all.

Also i have a feeling Sione' is teething. Phabian and MJ both had there first tooth pop through around 4 to 5 months and i tell you what Sione' is drooling like a St. Bernard. He drools all over you, himself, and God's green earth. It is rediculous. And that might also be the cause of some of his waking at night.

Anyways i think i have rambled on enough. How i have missed just sitting down to write a post. Blabbing on like no body's business. If you made it this far you are great cause i probably would have given up about 3 paragraphs back lol.

Sione' - 3 Months

2010-02-14T17:17:00.002-05:00

Pumpkin Butt,

You are 3 months old! THREE! I cant quite tell you how fast these 3 months have gone. I still feel like it was just yesterday that you arrived but yet it has somehow been 3 months.

You are so aware now. Your birght eyes searching your world. Filled with joy and love for all people and new things. I love your unguarded nature. You are happy with anyone who will have you. You trust so willingly that no one would do you harm and i admire that in your young soul.

You are sleeping through the night now. We have established a bedtime routine. We take a nice bath around 10, followed by a nice massage. This is your favorite part not including your bottle. That is something else new this month. You have started taking a small bit of rice cereal in your night time bottle. You love it so much you suck it down in an instant.

You are usually fast asleep by 11 and dont wake most of the time til 8 or 9. You are also still taking 2 or 3 naps through the day. Never more than an hour or an hour and a half. You are too nosy to sleep for to long. You enjoy sitting up and viewing your world.

Your new favorite person is your brother Phabian. He loves to talk to you andyou just eat it up. You laugh and coo when you hear his voice and it just brings me such joy to see you enjoy and admire your older brothers. You love to look on as MJ shows you his cars and even allows you to hold one in your lap on ocassion.

It has been a busy busy month but things are going wonderful. Sometimes i feel like we are still in the "newborn" haze and will wake up one day to find a toddler running around. You are growing so fast and i just am sitting back savoring every minute of it.

Love Always

In Complete Contrast....

2010-02-05T18:31:00.002-05:00

To my previous post.

I need to escape. Sometime i feel it deep down when i have had enough. When we have these days where the kids wont listen and the baby just cries and i just shut down.

I need to get away. I want to shut the door and run as fast and as far as i can. I want to breathe! Take deep breathes in and out and in and out. I want to just look off into a sunset and not have to worry about tomorrow.

I need a break. A break from bills. A break from the day to day. A break from my kids and my role as a mother. I need a break from the role of the strong wife who lets the world take a ride on her shoulders.

I need time for me. Something that is mine and only mine. That is why i loved my job so much. Not because i made a lot of money. Hell i barely made anything. I loved it because it was mine. I got a few hours away from the role i play everyday. I got time to have conversations that had nothing to do with dinner plans, wiping butts, or paying bills. I could talk about anything or nothing at all, and i did often.

I need silence. I want to sit in front of a fireplace and read a book and not be interupted 20 million times. I want to sip my coffee as i sit on the porch and watch the snow fall. It is so quiet when the snow falls. The silent sound of the car's wheels slowly crunching across the snow covered streets. The way the early breaking light bounces off the snow. It is pure bliss.

I just want a life outside of my family. I love my kids and my husband more than anything in this world. My heart aches when i think about them not being here in my life. But my heart also aches when i think of the things i can not do or can not make time to do. I want to be happy and whole.

I use to think that all i needed was love from my family but i am beginning to understand i also need time for me. Time where it is just me and a book or me and silence.

I dont know if i should publish this. I have been sitting here thinking about it for awhile. I guess i will just hold my breathe and take the plunge. If i feel it someone else in this world must also.

Those Eyes

2010-02-01T15:40:00.002-05:00

I am reading a book. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold which as most know has been made into a movie. I don't know if i have a desire to see the movie but i am thoroughly into the book. This is why i like fiction books. Sometimes they make you think. Think about things and situations you might never experience. They make you see things from a different point of view.

This book has made me think a lot. Things change over time. We change over time. We grow older, become wiser, love harder, fall further. And sometimes one tiny event can change and sculpt our whole lives.

As i read further into this book i think often about my Grandma and how it must have felt for her to watch her child leave this earth before her. I do not know this pain, although i recognize all to many people do. I also think about my sister Chelsie and how it hurt her more than anyone could have ever expressed when she said goodbye to her little angel. I hope to never experience this pain.

As i watch the characters in this book and how their lives are all shaped and transformed by the death of their daughter/sister/friend/neighbor it reminds me all to well that life is priceless and we are never guaranteed another day.

I look deep into the eyes of my children and husband i try to picture them not in my life. All i can get it an empty void. A hollow place in my heart that the meer thought of brings on a teary blur in my vision. I can not fathom my child not coming home from school or not waking up in the morning. I dont want to think that anything of this nature could ever touch our family. But alas we are not immune to life and its twists and turns.

All we can do is live each day to its fullest. Love with all of our heart. Shed all of our locks and chains and let anyone in who wants in. If they hurt us all we are left to do is pick up the pieces and start over again.

Life is a long journey of laughs, heart aches, smiles, tears, bright lights, and dark cornors. It all in the end, if we follow the path chosen for us, and learn the lessons along the way with an open and grateful heart, leads to a fuller, happier, more love filled life.

Resemblance

2010-01-24T16:37:00.005-05:00

(Click On The Picture To See Full Size)

Do you see it? Can you tell me what it is? The shape of the eyes? The little button nose? The arch of the brows?

I dont see a huge resemblance between my children, but there is something. When i look at them all at the same age...i just dont know.

What do you see?

Mojo.......

2010-01-22T13:49:00.002-05:00

I think my bloggy mojo has ran away!

Can you help me find it? Point me in the right direction? Give me a hint? Anything will do!

I want to write! I want to tell you everything i have been doing. It is just...well...it is boring really.

I have been enjoying life and my baby and my kids and my husband. I have been taking less pictures and spending more time viewing things through my own eyes instead of a lens. I just dont know how, scratch that, i cant find the words right now.

I sit down and think, "I am going to write a blog post today about such and such" and then by the time i get a free hour to do it i am so tired and just want to unwind and play Farmville lol.

I guess this too will pass. We all have highs and lows and i guess right now i just have more important and better things to be doing. I miss you all and i hope when i do get back to writing daily i still have some readers left.

Rollin'...Rollin'...Rollin' On The Floor

2010-01-17T17:13:00.003-05:00

Look who is on the move!!!!

I can not believe he is rolling over already! Awwwwww...I think i might cry!

One milestone down and a million more to go.

Sione' - 2 Months

2010-01-14T09:17:00.002-05:00

Dear Bundle Bug,

This last month has been absolutly wonderful. You are 2 months old and time has seemed to go so fast yet so slow at the same time. 2 months of your sweet self. 2 months of absolute wonder and amazement. Everyday that goes by i love you more and more. Nothing could ever make me love you any less.

You had your first Christmas. Although you were barley over a month it was so great to see you with us and enjoy your presence. You got 3 bottles and 5 bibs in your stocking. You also got some really cute clothes. We spent Christmas Eve with your Daddy's side of the family and you ate up the attention. Then we spent Christmas Day with Mommy's side of the family and once again you were just the light of the day.

Not all has been sunshine and roses though. Christmas night your Aunt Chelsie took us to the ER because you started having troubling breathing. Mommy was so scared. We eneded up having to take you back the next day because the ER was really busy and Mommy didnt wanna keep you there longer than needed.

So Mommy and Daddy watched you really close all night and then took you back the next day. You were diagnosed with RSV and admitted for 24 hour observation. That was one of the hardest 24 hours of Mommy and Daddy's life. You looked so pitiful hooked to all those machines and the IV just made Mommy's heart break. It took them 3 tries to get it in and Mommy was glad she sent Daddy with you to have it done instead of me going.

You were released the next day and within a few days you cleared right up like nothing had ever been wrong. You were miserable for a few days but Mommy and Daddy coddled you and made sur eyou had everything you needed and all the love in the world.

You are now smiling all the time. You found your reflection in the mirror on your swing and love to spend time looking, talking, and smiling at yourself. We hold reguar conversations now. I talk to you and say short little phases and you coo and gurgle back at me.

You weigh almost 13 lbs now and have grown about 2 ins since you wer born. You go for your 2 month shots tomorrow and i am so not looking forward to hearing your sad cry when they stick you.

You are eating about 6 ounces every 4 hours now and sometimes would rather play than eat. I can just see your personality grow more with each day. Your eyes open wide now and you recognize faces and voices. Every bit of you just makes me want to eat you up.

We have settled into a good routine now. Your brothers love to play with you now and frequently do what ever they can to make you happy. I just love to see them interact with you and love on you.

It has been another great month and i love you even more if it is even possible.

Alive...

2010-01-13T09:39:00.003-05:00

I swear i am alive and i will be back with a real blog post soon. I am working on Sione's 2 month post/letter. I have been enjoying life and my baby while he is a baby. Plus Facebook (mostly Farmville and Petville) have me addicted and take up a lot of my free time lol. I promise though i will be back soon with your regularly scheduled chaos.

What I Did in 2009

2010-01-02T10:34:00.004-05:00

Well besides gestating a baby, giving natural birth, and cuddling 3 handsome, healthy boys!

I did a whole lot of reading. I mean when you are pregnant for a whole year (yes i realize you are not pregnant for a whole year but when you find out at the beginning of March and don't give birth til November it feels like a whole year) what else is there to do to pass the time besides read, write, and take care of your family.

So i added it up and i am pretty sure i read 12 books. That is probably (and i am sad to say) the most books i have read in the past 5 years combined (not counting children's books lol). I remembered how much i love to read and how entrapping a book can be. I threw myself into these stories and allowed myself to become part of the book and the characters.

So what are these wonderful books i read? Well don't be shocked when i tell you lol!

The first ones i read i was very hesitant to read. The Twilight Series was not even on my radar until i saw the preview for the movie when it was coming to theaters. I remember telling my friend that i refused to see the movie until i had read the book. It then took me another 6 months or more before i actually started reading the books.

Yes i said 6 months! See i have this problem, or so i thought i did, with series books. I usually shy away from any popularized, teen/tween, written for movies, type books. I would usually just opt to see the movie and say forget the hyped up books. I never read R.L. Stine Goosebumps books as a kid. I stayed far away from Stephen King books as an adult. I have never even picked up a Harry Potter book. I realize now that it was probably a big mistake. Alas i didn't know what i was missing.

The Twilight Series sucked me in. I am now in the not so exclusive Twihards club. Everything from the characters to the scenery i created in my imagination fully engulfed me. I finished the series in just 3 weeks. I was left sad when i finished and begging for something else to fill the void that i was left with.

I had purchased Angels and Demons by Dan Brown at the same time i started reading Twilight so i had that on the back burner waiting. Since i had already read The Da Vinci Code a few year back so i figured i would give it a try. Now i can hardly wait for my friend to pass me her copy of Lost Symbol! The Langdon Series is a interesting read. Dan Brown mixes fiction with history so well that you barley realize you are learning something as you become involved in the adventures of Robert Langdon.

Then a friend filled my vampire craving void with P.C. and Kristen Cast's series House of Night. There are six books so far and i have downed them all. With six more to come i can barley contain myself till the seventh is released. These have also been adapted to be made into movies and i just wonder when that adventure will begin.

P.C. Cast is a teacher and has entwined the worlds of vampire and high school so well that if you didn't know better you might think you were reading about a human high school. There are clicks and drama and the ever so "high school" boyfriend problems. It takes me back to a time when i was 16 and in high school.

I also started Alyson Noel's Immortals Series. I only have read the first, in the series of three, Evermore so far but i look forward to making time to start on the rest. It is a lot like Twilight but shorter and with less details. I can't say it was the best book i have ever read but none the less i was sucked in and will definitely be reading the rest of the series as it comes out.

Now i have started on another vampire series by Richelle Mead called Vampire Academy. It is good so far but i am taking longer to read than normal due to all the baby loving i have going on right now. There are four books out for far with the 5th and 6th due to be released this year! I have a lot of reading to do.

So i have two more Immortal books to read, three and a half Vampire Academy books to read, and then waiting on the next installment of the House of Night. I will eventually move away from the vampires and on to something else lol. I think i would love to read James Patterson books (specifically The Women's Murder Club Series). I love a good mystery/adventure.

Anyways the whole point is i never knew what i was missing! I love series books no matter how popular they are. I will always read the book before i view the movie from here on out because 9 times out of 10 the book is so much better. So throw me a line here! What series could you not put down? I need to make a wish list!

Goodbye 2009/Hello 2010!

2010-01-01T17:02:00.006-05:00

I was going to try and write some elegant post about how 2009 royally sucked and how 2010 is gunna be so much better but what good would that do. Instead we will do a little review and then maybe talk about the future.

I spent a most of the year looking like this:

And this:

And then the end of the year enjoying this:

And this:

2009 was not all bad. I was pretty miserable for at least half of it but who isnt miserable being that pregnant lol. But last year brought me a blessing in my little man. I will always look back on 2009 just as i look back on 2004, 2005 and 2006 as the most blessed and wonderful years of my life.

We had financial trouble just like the rest of the world did. We fought over which bills should be paid and which could be skipped this month. Even now as the New Year begins we find ourself overloaded in debts and behind on bills. But 2010 also brings income taxes which will help us catch up on what we need to.

This year will be filled with milestones. Of course there will be lots from my little bug. First words, first foods, first vacations, first meetings of distant family, first steps, first crawls, a first birthday, and many many more. Also this year will bring us a milestone for Phabian. He will be turning 5 in March. I can no longer refer to him as a preschooler. He will start elementary school in the fall, kindergarten which is all day long.

I am not completely sure what this year hold for us. I am sure there will be lots of tears both of sadness and joy. I am sure there will be lots of smiles. I know there will be happy moments and moments of sadness. There will be milestones met with bittersweet feelings as i watch my baby bug grow and my other 2 boys start new chapters in their lives.

So here is to 2009 and all it brought and to 2010 and all it will bring. I learned a lot of lessons and i just know there are many more to be learned this year. And as for resolutions i will leave those to everyone else. Me, i am just going to work on being a better me all around. No specifics and no pressure.

Our Weekend

2009-12-28T11:53:00.003-05:00

Well we have had quite the weekend. I would love to say we had a wonderful Christmas weekend and that all was well but alas that is just not how it went. But lets start at the beginning for those of you who don't follow me on twitter or facebook.

A few weeks ago Sione' started getting a little bit of a stuffy nose. I didn't think much of it because my other kids were a little stuffy as well and i figured it was just a little cold and would run its course and be gone.

Around the 22nd it turned into a little bit of a cough but still being a third time mom i figured just start suctioning the nose out and keep him warm and cared for and all will be fine with time. No need to rush off to the ER with a infant for a little cough and stuffy nose.

Christmas Day we packed up and went to my Brother's after we got done opening and playing with presents. While there i noticed Sione' was coughing a little harder than normal and he also was not eating well. He would wake up eat an ounce or so and then go back to sleep for 2 or 3 hours.

Now he did not get to 11lbs by eating an ounce every 3 hours so i knew something was not right. Later that night when we got home he was still sleeping a lot and not eating so i gave him a warm bath and kept him in the steamy bathroom for a few mins then laid him on the couch and suctioned him out really well. A few mins later he started coughing. He literally coughed til he turned blue. So i told Marcus it was time to take him to the ER.

I called my sister and ask if she would mind taking us. The big boys were already asleep and i didn't want to have to wake them up and drag them out to their Granny's in the cold. So she took us to the ER where we were told the great news. There was a 12+ hour wait. The back was full, 2 emergency ambulances has just shown up, and there were 4 people ahead of us in the waiting area. So i made the hard decision to go home and try again the next day. I honestly figured anything he had would only be made worse by sitting in the ER for 12+ hours with other sick people.

So the 26th we got up and headed to the local MedExpress. They took us back and the doctor came in to check him out. His pulse ox was a low and scary 92, which does not require oxygen but is a warning sign. They informed us they did not have the stuff to test for RSV and that we would need to go to the ER and possibly be admitted. The doctor was nice enough to call ahead to the ER and let them know the situation and that we were on our way. Before we left they gave him a nebulizer treatment to try and improve his pulse ox level.

When we arrived at the ER they took us back and immediately hooked him up to a pulse ox monitor. Thankfully the treatment had helped and his pulse ox was back up to 98. They ask what was going on and i explained the whole thing to the ER doc just as i did here on this blog.

At the ER in his Daddy's arms

She looked at me questioningly as if she didn't believe me when i said he had turned blue while coughing. She then said to me in an almost smartass tone that they would have to admit us if he was turning blue. She said it as if i would change my mind and say well maybe it was more red than blue or something. Of course i responded with a very polite...if that is what we need to do than ok...and she seemed surprised.

After a chest x-ray the pediatric docs came in and the were so sweet. They listened intently to what i was saying and then proceeded with a plan of action. They wanted to check for both RSV and Whooping Cough. They were more worried over WC then RSV since he has not been vaccinated for it yet.

After the ran the tests they admitted us to the pediatric floor and got him hooked up to an IV for fluids and chest monitors along with his pulse ox monitor. It was so sad to see him all hooked up to the monitors with wires and such going everywhere. He was such a trooper though.

Sorry its blurry but this is in our room after admission

I couldn't hold him much because of the wires and such and he was so good just sleeping on his own and only being held to feed him. I am so glad i have such a happy boy.

They confirmed RSV and told us they were keeping us for at least 24 hour observation. If he could stay off oxygen and keep his pulse ox up they would release him.

Yesterday he got his appetite back and even was smiling and cooing some. They said he looked great and they were releasing us. They told me to keep a close eye on him. I have to suction him out before and after each feeding and any other time he sounds like he might be congested. This is all in hopes of preventing pneumonia from forming.

We are home now and so glad to have the worst behind us (God willing). Prayers are still very much appreciated. We have a follow up appointment on Wednesday with his pediatrician and i also have a midwife appointment.

Now we are just trying to keep everyone separated and out of faces. Lots of hand washing and antibacterial gel using going on in this house. No one, outside the 5 of us, with a snotty nose or cough is aloud in the house. Just taking what ever precautions we can. Unfortunately i seem to have picked up a bug while at the hospital so this is proving harder done than said.

2 Preschoolers + 1 Bag of Flour = Mommy Fail

2009-12-19T15:15:00.004-05:00

So the other day i decided i wanted to make Christmas Cookies with the kids. So i made the dough before dinner and put it in the fridge to rest. After dinner i pulled out the dough, the flour, the rolling pin, and the cookie cutters.

I dusted the table with flour and gave each kid a ball of dough to roll out and cut their own tree, santa, train, and angel out of. They had such fun and yes they even got a little messy.

However i had a 'duh' moment when i went to put the cookies in the oven and set the timer. I forgot to remove the open, whole bag of flour from the table where 2 very curious boys were still sitting. This is what i came back to find:

In the end all was well. The bath tub was full of paste and the next night we decorated and ate the yummy creations we made.

Sione' - 1 Month

2009-12-18T09:19:00.000-05:00

Dear Sweet Sione',

You have been in our arms for a month now and what a month that has been. It is a lot like riding a rollar coaster. We hit a high peak and come crashing down but before long we are right back to the top again.

You are such a sweet little angel. There is so much i notice about you everyday. Like the way you love to hold on to my fingers as i nurse you. I can not begin to tell you how magical it is to see your little hand hold mine as i give you the nourishment that only i can. Mommy had to make the hard decision to let that part of our relationship go, but i know we will still be ok. You will still grow strong and big and we will still love each other just as much. I could never explain what these 5 weeks have meant to me.

I still love to take in your smell. You no longer smell of that new baby scent but you still take my breathe away and fill me with warmth. You smell now like baby soap. That sweet smell of baby freshness is wonderful although you are not a big bath fan.

Your little smile is just more than anyone could ever imagine. You giggled for the first time the other day while spending some quality time with Daddy. You love him so much as you do your brothers.

Phabian and MJ are still adjusting to having you here but they love you more than anything. MJ told us we couldnt give you away (not that we ever would lol) to Granny. He said you have to stay with us and that is just how we want it.

Your eyes are so black. They are not even brown. When i look in them and see my own reflection it melts my heart. I know you are seeing me and I you. There is a piece of me in you and it is only a part of what makes you so perfect.

You are so strong. You try to hold you head up on your own a lot. When you are on your belly you can hold it up for about a minute or two all by your self. It is so fun to watch you and hear you take in the sights and sounds of your still new world.

You coo a lot and we all enjoy cooing back. Holding that conversation that only we can understand with you. You are just a miracle in our lives and we love every minute of it.

Daddy stays up with you most night and lets Mommy sleep. You are really gassy and it is hard sometimes but we always do our best to clam and comfort your little tummy. You enjoy sleeping in your carseat best and i am guessing it is because it bunches you up and makes your tummy feel better. It is so serene to watch you sleep.

We are all loving every second of you being in our world and we love watching you grow. I can not wait to see what the next month has to offer us.

I'm So Torn

2009-12-16T12:25:00.004-05:00

What i really need right now is someone to tell me it is ok!

Today i have decided to stop breastfeeding. It is breaking my heart. I feel like i am being torn in half.

Part of me wants to keep going. The connection it gives me to my baby, the bond we have formed. The way he grabs my finger while he nurses, and the way he almost loses his latch when he smiles up at me while he is eating. The fact that i feel like i could nurse him forever when he drifts off to sleep. The way it comforts him and me. These are all the great wonderful parts of this adventure that makes me hang on.

The other half of me is tired of trying to make two puzzle pieces fit together that were never made for each other. That's how it feels. Like me and breastfeeding just do not work. It has been one problem after another. Thrush, torn up nipples multiple time, latch issues, not enough fat content in my milk, too much foremilk not enough hindmilk. Now my milk supply seems to be going down and he is not getting full even after long periods on both breasts at one feeding.

I don't truly know if my milk supply is dwindling or if it is just the lack of fat content in my milk, but either way it is heart breaking. I am not filling him up. He eats for 20 mins to 30 mins on each breast at one feeding and still turns around and takes a 3 to 4 oz bottle.

It just hurts so bad. My heart hurts to think that the most basic of motherly things may just not be meant for me to do. I feel like i failed somehow. I wanted this so bad. I wanted it for him and for me. I wanted to be able to provide him with my milk. The one thing only i can do.

I need someone to tell me it is ok! It is ok that it is not working out. It is ok that he drinks formula. It is ok because he will still be healthy and strong no matter if his food comes from a bottle or a breast. I need someone to tell me he will still love me just as much if i cant breastfeed him. That out bond will still be just as strong. It is ok that i am angry and confused!

I had the best month ever even through the pain and problems. I got what i wanted even if it didn't last long. I got to feed him from my breast for 5 whole weeks. I got to bond with him in a way i didn't with my other kids.

I will never forget the moments of just me and him on the couch. I will never forget the look in his eyes or the feel of his little cheek on my skin. I will not forget the way he held my finger in his little hands til he fell fast asleep. I will cherish those moments forever.

But.....

I need someone to tell me it is ok! I need someone to help heal this wounded heart.

Breastfeeding 911!!!

2009-12-07T11:14:00.004-05:00

So we are three weeks into this journey and although things have been up and down i can honestly say they are mostly up.

Well all is mostly up...just one thing is seemingly still really stressful and frustrating.

BREASTFEEDING!!!!

Now i know it is a process and i think ours has been longer and harder than most lol. First we struggled with his latching correctly. For the first week he had my nipples tore up. After a day or two of pumping my nipples healed and we were back to the breast.

His latch was doing great. Nice big mouth covering all it was suppose to...yadda yadda yadda! Even the lactation consultant said he had a perfect latch! I was thrilled to hear it.

Just when i thought we were doing good week 2 brought us a battle with thrush. So 3 days of treatment with Gentian Violet, 2 purple nipples, and a purple baby mouth later we were thrush and pain free. Back to nursing again!

Now week three and although his latch is perfect about 90% of the time my nipples are back to being tore up after a rough patch of bad latching.

I am frustrated to say the least. After 2 whole days of pain free nursing follwed by one day of struggling with latching i am so sore i cant even put him to the breast without cringing in pain. I am just at a loss for words or even actions.

How long is this going to continue? How long before he has his latch down so well that he quits tearing my nipples up? I know using the bottle on occassion has probably aided in this processes but he seems to know the difference between bottle and breast. Like i said 90% of the time he gets the latch right and it is just that 10% of the time that he doesnt that leaves me frustrated and in pain.

So help me out here! Breastfeeding mothers i call to you to help a fellow feeder!

How long did it take before your nipples were toughened up? How long did it take your baby to perfect their latch? How did you keep your baby awake long enough to make sure they were getting full (he is horrible about falling asleep after 5 mins and then waking up starving 10 mins later)? How long and how often did you feed your baby? What positions did you use? Anyone who had latch problems and torn up nipples; how did you make sure you were completely healed? Did you pump for a few days and then put baby back to breast or did you just grin and bear it?

I really need your help here! Any advice at all even if it isnt for a question i asked. I dont wanna give up trying breastfeeding but i am so frustrated with this back and for cycle. I enjoy this bonding time so much and i just feel defeated sometimes.

Please if you are not a breastfeeding mom but know someone who is, direct them my way. Maybe they can help to answer my questions.

(Yes i have talked to a lactation consultant about all of this but i just want more info from women who are going through it right now or recently went through it. More learning never hurts and i am all about having as much knowledge as possible right now.)

Sione' - 3 Weeks

2009-12-05T17:28:00.005-05:00

Do you see this baby......

And this...................

Oh yes and this too.................

Well he makes it really hard to take any time to get on the computer. He is not a very good sleeper right now. I think he has a built in sensor that alerts him when i am sitting down at the computer or going to cook dinner.

He is up about every hour to hour and a half wanting to eat. As much as i would love nothing more than to cuddle on the couch with him all day long and nurse, my boobs and my brain, not to mention the other two little men in this house, will not stand for it.

I have felt like a horrible mom the last few days. I realized Phabian and MJ are on there own a lot through the day because of the rigorous feeding schedule we are on right now. A lot of the time i find myself telling them to go to their room, sit down, be quiet, watch TV. Oh yes i said it! The TV has been doing way too much baby sitting for the last few weeks.

I know we are adjusting and soon Sione' will sleep longer and i will have more attention to give to them but the back of what is left of my sleep deprived brain tells me i am failing in the attention department. I feel like i need to do more and sometimes i fail to realize i just had a baby 3 weeks ago.

Yes 3 weeks ago i gave birth to a handsome baby boy who is now 9lbs and growing fast. He makes me smile, and he makes me cry tears of both joy and frustration. The bottom line is that these last 3 weeks have been beautiful. If this is the last time i will ever see this sweet, wonderful stage of life i am taking every second of it in.

I gave birth 3 weeks ago and as much as i tried to rest and recover life did not slow down for me. I still had other children who needed me. Meals had to be prepared. Baths had to be given. Songs had to be sang. Kisses had to be given along with hugs at bed time. The house needs cleaned. The dishes need washed. The bills need to be paid. And before all that can be done a baby needs to be nursed, changed, rocked, and put back to sleep.

Somewhere in there i have managed to get a few hours of sleep, a shower if i am lucky and eat when i can find 30 seconds to put together a snack. Life is hectic but there are no take backs (not that i want one). I know that soon this stage will pass.

Soon Sione' will be sleeping through the night. Soon he will be toddling around. Soon he will be playing cars with his brothers. Soon he will walk out that door for his first day of school. And my heart will break a little more with each milestone that comes and goes. My boys are all growing so fast.

Phabian will start Kindergarten in the fall and MJ will be in Pre-K and soon after Sione' will turn one. And that time will be here way too fast. So i am trying to enjoy these days and not wish them away just yet.

I try to savor the smell of his tiny baby skin. Taking in deep breathes as he nurses. Taking as many pictures as i can. I take as many silent moments as i can to just stare at him while he sleeps. I try to enjoy every second of him needing me because i know all to well that this time will pass. The day will come when i am no longer his favorite person and he doesn't depend on me so wholly.

Yes that day will come all too soon. Until then you will find me sleep deprived, hopped up on new baby smell, struggling to take care of 3 boys who mean more to me than words could ever begin to describe.

To 3 Special Ladies

2009-11-28T23:10:00.002-05:00

I can not possibly find the right words to explain how truly grateful I am to have had the pleasure of meeting you all, and having you help bring my precious Sione' into this world!

What you did for us amazes and inspires me. You gave me the birth I always dreamed of but was either too scared to reach for or afraid I would never get.

You gave me confidence in my abilities as a woman. You gave me courage to reach for what I wanted. You gave me strength to fight past the pain and use it to do what my body knew how to but my mind had always been to weak to do.

You all will always be in my heart and I will always remember to tell Sione' about the three women who helped bring him into this world.

I can not thank you enough.You have continued to help me even after we left the Birth Center. You all truly have given me a whole new confidence in myself both as a woman and as a mother. My sister said it best; You all are like a family, and I am proud to be a part of it.

Thank you so much,

Courtney and Family

Sione' - 2 Weeks

2009-11-28T17:47:00.002-05:00

Yesterday Sione' turned 2 weeks old! Man how the time is flying already. I swear i was just holding him for the first time the other day but in reality i have been holding him for 2 whole weeks.

This week has held some ups and downs for us as a family.

Phabian and MJ both got a bad report from the teacher this week. MJ got very upset when he was ask to take turns on the bike at school. He took his frustration with the teacher out on a friend by kicking her in her leg. Phabian on the other hand punch another boy in the stomach over a car. The teacher was not upset with them and suggested that it is just their way of working through having this new change in their life.

Sione' has had horrible gas this week. His little belly gets so swollen and rock hard and he just screams and screams. I finally broke down and bought some Mylicon Drops and they work wonders. The only other thing that seems to help is letting him lay on his tummy for short periods of time (and always while we are awake and with him). I am working now on my diet to see if it is something i am eating that is causing the problem.

We had a bad battle with thrush this past week. It started with what i thought was just a sore nipple and ended a day later with a horrible burning feeling that i immediately knew was thrush (since i had it with Phabian). The midwife suggested i try Gentian Violet before trying antibiotics and i am so thankful for that. After 24 hours of the GV the pain was gone and today (day 3) i am back to normal feedings and symptom free. I am however going to go tomorrow and buy me some yogurt with active cultures just to be on the safe side of things.

The good news is even through a battle with thrush Sione' seems to pretty much have his latch down. Now if we could just work on moving his hands away from his mouth when he gets too excited we would be doing perfect.

Also we got his test results back on Wednesday. Sorry for waiting so long to tell everyone but thanks to the grace of God and a whole lot of prayers from everyone Sione' is just fine. His original test was a false positive and the second came back negative for Biotinidase Deficiency. We are thanking God that he has blessed us so much. I owe you all a big thank you for all the prayers you sent up for our little bug!

Sione' also celebrated his first holiday! I am not sure how much he enjoyed it but i am sure turkey flavored breast milk is just divine! He got to mingle with his extended family (well he slept, they ogled him). We truly had so much to be thankful for yesterday!

He is growing so fast. I can just see it in his little face. He is so, so perfect! I love him more and more everyday. I just look into his eyes and know that our family couldn't be anymore perfect. He completes us and nothing could be more wonderful than that!

(You can see the remains of the purple from the Gentian Violet)

Asking For Prayers

2009-11-23T14:16:00.002-05:00

As i said in my last post Sione' had to have his PKU test redone. However we found out today it is not the PKU that came back abnormal.

The results came back abnormal for Biotinidase Deficiency. Once again i had no clue what this was nor did his nurse since this is only the second case she has seen in the 3 years at the office (there are 1 in 60,000 babies diagnosed with BD). She wrote it down for me and i came home and looked it up.

What i found out is that if he does have this deficiency it can come with some serious side effects such as seizures, weak muscle tone, breathing problems, and delayed development. If it is left untreated the consequences can be great. Thankfully there is a treatment and when caught early most side effects can be helped or even stopped.

We wont know the results until Wednesday or possibly even Monday and i am a wreck. I know things could be so much worse. This is not a death sentence but it is heartbreaking none the less.

I dont think any mom wants her baby to be sick even with a cold much less an autosomal recessive metabolic disorder. It hurts my heart to think that this is something that i passed on to my baby (since parents have to be carriers). I just want my baby boy to be healthy and happy.

So if you could please keep my baby boy and our family in your prayers. I need strength right now to keep from crying non stop. I dont want to over react but between hormones and stress and this news i am finding it hard to keep it all together.

God has blessed us so much and i know he will not give us more than he knows we can handle.

Sione' - One Week Old

2009-11-21T10:43:00.004-05:00

Sione' had his one week check up yesterday and so far so good!

He went Monday for his circumcision and weight check. At the time he had lost about 6 ounces and was weighting in at 7lbs 7 ozs. They reassured me that it is completely normal for a breast fed baby to lose weight after birth and he would gain it back soon.

Before his circumcision they did his PKU which i thought was bad enough but i was so sadly mistaken.

His circumcision just broke my heart. When Phabian and MJ had theirs done we were in the hospital so they came and got them and took them to a room far away to perform the task. I never heard a cry and by the time they brought them back to me they were calm and usually asleep.

With Sione' they performed the procedure in his Pedi's office and i was standing in the hallway. They gave me the option of going in the waiting room but i didn't want to be that far away so i decided to stay in the hall. Bad mistake!!!

I heard the initial cry of being strapped down and that was bad enough. Then the next thing i heard was the blood curdling scream of my baby boy. He screamed for so long and it was like torture for me not to barge in and take him away. I stood in the hall and balled like a baby as all i could do was listen to him scream.

They brought me in and i fed and rocked him and he calmed right down. I swear i am glad i will never have to do that again. My poor little heart can not and could not take it.

Yesterday Sione' was back to 7lbs 12.5ozs. He looks and sounds wonderful. He is mister peely pants. He is just peeling from head to toe and i can not pick it which drives me insane lol. We talked a lot about what is normal for his age and what i should look out for.

I have to take him back in on Monday because part of his PKU came back abnormal. They are going to redue it and then go from there. I am not well informed on exactly what PKU is but from what i understand it is very treatable and when treated early no problems usually follow. Prayers are always greatly appreciated. Also if anyone has ever had a abnormal PKU with their child and could fill me in a little more i would be happy to receive an email or comment from you.

As for home life in the first week things are going great!

Marcus is happy to have another son as am I! We could not be more blessed to have 3 handsome, healthy boys.

Marcus has been the greatest help ever. He is supporting me completely in my healing and breastfeeding. He has stayed up several nights with Sione' and aloud me to sleep, only waking me to feed and then letting me go back to sleep while he changes his diaper and gets him back to sleep. I can not tell you how much I love this man and how great and involved of a father and husband he truly is. I know so many women who would have a heart attack if their husband offered to help and here i am with a great man who does it with out me even having to ask.

Speaking of breastfeeding........................

Things are going well in that department. Sione' is officially a boobie fiend! He has had a few bottle of breast milk because of some early latch problems but for the most part all is well. His latch has gotten almost perfect and although we have good and bad days i can honestly say most days are good.

I can not explain how much it means to me that i am able to do this for my baby. I tried so hard with Phabian and gave up too quick with MJ. Both times i felt like such a failure. I guess the third time really is the charm in this case. He even flat out refused a bottle the other day and instead wanted me. It was one of those moments where i just wanted to cry with joy.

So as you can tell i am so happy and proud of our baby boy! We have come far from day one and i can not believe a week has passed already. It breaks my heart that time is going so fast already. He is a week old and i am not sure where that week went. I wish i knew that time would slow down but unfortunately i think it only goes faster from here. So i am trying to enjoy every late night feeding, and every squeak and cry. I want to remember every moment of this little life cause i know i will blink and he will be toddling around.

I <3 Baby Feet

2009-11-18T21:02:00.002-05:00

Proud Big Brothers

2009-11-16T09:58:00.002-05:00

People keep asking how the boys are taking to Sione' and answer hasn't changed since day one. Although they are completely infatuated with him right now i say give it some time.

Phabian loves to hold him and rub his hair. He is always the first to his bed side if he cries and loves putting his paci back in when it falls out.

MJ loves him but is keeping his distance. I figured it would be harder on him since he has been the baby for so long. He does help out by bringing me diapers and putting the binkie in his mouth but for the most prt he still does his own thing.

Neither of them will come close to a dirty diaper but they are the first to tell everyone about their baby.

We have been lucky so far that Sione' doesn't seem to bother them much at night when he wakes. I dont know if that will continue to be the case but i sure hope.

So for now we are one happy 5 person family! And i must say i am happier than ever!!!

Sione's Birth Story

2009-11-15T15:01:00.007-05:00

So before all the excitement wears off and i forget anything i need to get this down and i know some of you are waiting to read it so i dont wanna keep you waiting long.

Thursday evening my sister called and ask if i wanted to go to the mall with her so she could get a new outfit to wear to a birthday dinner for her boyfriend. I said sure and so we went on a 3 hour shopping spree walking around (well i waddled she walked lol).

She dropped me off at the football field where Marcus and the kids were around 5:45 and i went to sit on the benches and call my Aunt to tell her how my NST had went earlier that day. I talked to her for awhile and while i was talking i thought i felt like i was leaking fluid.

I got off the phone around 6:30 and started to walk thinking maybe if i was leaking that would give me a sign and stop it or something. Instead what i got was a semi small gush of fluid when i stood up. So i called my husband off the field and told him i was calling the midwife and we were probably going to head to the Birthing Center.

After talking to the Kim the midwife we decided to meet at the birth center around 7:15. When i got there they did a speculum exam to see if i was indeed leaking and checked me to see how far dilated i was.

The first PH test came back inconclusive but i was dialted about 4 to 5 cm so they had me go walk for about twenty minutes and then redid the test. This time they definitely saw the ferning of the amniotic fluid meaning my water was definitely leaking and i was most certainly dilated 5 cm.

At this point the gave me my first dose of antibiotics and told me to order some food or wait til my first does was over and go out to eat because at 11 they were going to break my water. So we did as told. We ordered some pizza and when i finished my first does of meds we ran to his sister's house (which was right around the cornor) to get some movies to watch.

When we got back another lady had also shown up with her water broken. So we were sharing the birthing center (which thank God has multiple birthing rooms) with a very sweet couple who i swear had every member of their immediate family there.

So at 11pm they broke my water and told me to just relax and walk when i could. I did walk for about an hour and half around the parking lot and center then came in so they could give me my second dose of antibiotics.

Around 1 am we laid down to try and get some sleep. I doesed on and off between contractions for about an hour. At 2am the contractions had picked up so i decided to go ahead and walk around while Marcus got some rest.

At 3:30 am i woke the midwives and ask if i could take a hot shower because my contractions were getting harder to breathe through and the hot water might help me relax. They told me to go ahead and got the shower ready while i let Marcus know what I was doing.

At 3:45 am i emerged from the having back to back intense contractions. All i could do was sway and moan (Marcus said i sounded kinda like a cave man lol) through them. I was only getting about a minute between then and they were intense (wish i could use another word but painful just doesnt seem right even though it did hurt).

The midwife started my last round of antibiotics at 4:15 am and checked me. I was dilated 8 almost 9 cm and it was the worst part having to lay down to be checked. It helped to bend my knees and roll side to side. I tried to get up and sway some more but from about that time on the contractions were pretty much bringing me to my knees.

At about 4:30 i began to have th eurge to push so i laid down and they checked again. I had a little lip of cervix left so they told me to roll over on my hands and knees and see it i could hold out for a few more minutes.

At 4:35 am i began to really feel the urge to push so they told me to let them check for the lip and see if i could push it out of the way. So i laid on my back grabbed my knees and pushed as she pushed the last bit of cervix out of the way.

At 4:40 am i began to push. I truly understand now why they call it the ring of fire. The midwifes just kept telling me to use the pain as power and movtivation. Marcus was holding me and stroking my hair. He kept telling me how great i was doing. We had planned to video tape it all but i am so glad he chose to stay with me instead. I could not have done it without him. After only 10 mintues and 4 pushes Sione' was born at 4:50 am.

He was laid on my tummy and he opened his eyes and looked at me. I touched him and just couldnot believe he was here. He never did really cry but he was breathing fine on his own. He imediately started rooting around while they allowed the cord to pulse until it was done.

I wish i could say the worst was over but unfortunatly i started to hemerage a bit. After they cut the cord and the placenta was being deliverd the nurse took Sione' over to weigh him and clean him up a bit while they worked to stop my bleeding.

I dont remember much from this time on. I remember hearing them say Sione' weight 7lbs 13ozs and i remember them trying to get me up to go pee (they said sometimes relieveing the bladder can help with the bleeding) and me telling them i was too tired. Then apparently i passed out. I was given several shots of something to help me clot and after about an hour they got the bleeding under control.

So i scared the crap out of everyone (especially my husband) but in the end i and Sione' are 100% healthy!

I could not be more thrilled with my birth expierence and i could not have done it without the 2 wonderful midwives Kim and Becca and the wonderful nurse Susan! They were so supportive and kept me calm and informed the whole time. They did not take any unnecessary steps and they did everything they could to give me the birth i had always wanted.

If you ask if i would do it all again (barring the fact that Sione' will be the last lol) i would say yes! I would do it a million times again if the results would be the same. I have a healthy, handsome baby boy and i am healthy and happy as well.

What more could a girl ask for!

He Has Arrived!

2009-11-14T12:20:00.003-05:00

So besides today being my husband and my 5 year anniversary we are also celebrating one day of Sione' Marcellus being in our lives. If you ask me i could not have ask for a better anniversary present.

I will follow later with his birth story but for now here are the details.

Sione' Marcellus was born at 4:50am on Friday, November 13th 2009 at 40 weeks and 2 days. He weighted 7lbs 13ozs and was 20 ins long.

He has a head full of jet black hair and as far as we can see right now jet black eyes.

Sione' is so calm and hardly ever cries. He doesnt like his butt to be dirty but also hates to have it changed.

He smells so good and everytime i look at him i just want to squeeze him and be smothered in his scent!

Phabian and MJ are just in love with him as we all are.

I cannot begin to tell you how happy i am and how excited i am that he is here with us.

40 Weeks: Hangin In There

2009-11-11T09:31:00.006-05:00

Weight: 224 didn't gain anything this week so still up 18 lbs from pre-pregnancy weight.

BP: 108/80

Sione's HR: 120's, Made me a little nervous at first that it was so low but she wasn't worried about it since i hadn't eaten recently and he was in a rest period which both lead to a lower heart rate.
Measurements: 41 cm/wks same as last week
Position: Still head down...wish he would push his little way out lol

Progress: No check, we are saving that for next week

So i am officially 40 weeks today! I never thought i would make it this far since Phabian and MJ were born early but seems i am here and finding myself more patient than i thought possible.

I am holding steady at +18lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. My blood pressure is still great and i am not showing any signs of too much swelling. Sione's heart rate was a little low today in the 120's but i also had not eaten before my appointment and he was asleep (or in one of his less active times during the day). She didn't seem worried about it so i am not either. She confirmed he is very stretched out but not an extremely big baby (just long). She did not check me today but we did talk a lot about what is coming.

I have a NST on Thursday to check him and his fluid levels.She wants me to (although she said this more to Marcus) have as much sex as possible to help soften my cervix lol. Like he has a problem with that! If i have not went into labor by next Wednesday she wants me to try a little caster oil the day before my appointment and then if that doesn't help on Wednesday we will discuss more stripping my membranes or possibly even breaking my water (not really what we want to do because of the group b strep). Either way we are pretty much planning that he will be here next week.

We joked for awhile about not wanting me to go to 42 weeks as it is the day before Thanksgiving and none of us wanna be delivering a baby on Thanksgiving lol. So with fingers crossed i will be meeting my little man sometime in the next week!!! I am so excited!

For more check out Wordless Wednesday, 5MFM, MomSpective, MomDot, and Seven Clown Circus.