AH HA

So after hours of fiddling and some really sore eyes (all cause i am not all there today) i found the place in which you can turn it back to minima!

And TA DA!

What do you think. I really like it. It will take a bit of getting use to but over all i think i like the feel of it.

Screw Up

So i went to change my background on my blog. Instead of using the normal site i get my backgrounds from i ventured onto another site to try them out. Well it has me change some stuff in the settings and then put in the html code. When i realized it wasn't working like it should have i tried to get it back to normal and failed.

I can not for the life of me figure out how to get it back to minima (or what ever it is called) so that i can put a background back on it. So for the time being i guess i am stuck with hidious (well not that bad) programmed background.

Can someone help me out please. How do i get it back on Minima or Picture Window Templates? This is the first time i have had to mess with any of this since they changed the stuff around. Boo hiss lol! Maybe i should just do a blog makeover and have it done by professionals and personalized.

Christmas Cheer

So i have been trying really hard to shake this Grinchy mood i have been in.

Normally decorating the tree is a big hurdle for me. I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to my tree. I dont like muticolored lights (they are pretty but just not for me). If we do multicolored lights then all orniments must be white, silver, or clear to off set all the color madness. This year Hubby decided on blue lights. Which i was fine with but I insisted we do a theme of silver, blue, and white to match the tree skirt.

The 2nd difficult part is the actual decorating. I tend to want everything just right. Lights evenly dispersed, balls put everywhere with no colors the same touching. As you can imagine this is pretty hard to accomplish with 3 small children. So intern i usually need meds to get me through the experience (joking honestly i dont have meds but sometimes think it would  be useful lol).

This is the first year we have had a real tree. Needless to say, blue lights and a real tree dont mix. You can hardly see the lights. Frustrating and disappointing really. Also to add to the stress, Sione' is allergic to the tree as proven by the rash on his cute cherub face.

So this is the tree after we finished it:

Looks a little sparse right. That is because you cant see the lights...ugh! Plus Hubby never got the other family ornaments out of storage for us to put on the tree. BOO!

I wish i had a pic to show you of what it looks like now. All the balls have been moved to the top of the tree out of a certain 1 year olds hands. The garland is no longer neatly wrapped around the tree but instead tossed in bunches here and there. And the lights well, they are bunched as well.

What i have found though.....

i am not in the least bit concerned. It looks a mess and I am OK with it. I am not stressed, upset, or even the least bit frazzeled over the fact taht the tree looks insane.

It is a freeing feeling really.

I do plan on redoing it on Christmas Eve before we put the presents under it. Some Blueberry Candy Canes will be there hanging on branches on Christmas Morning. And yes Santa will get the credit. Not only does he bring presents but he also rearranges trees. He is one great guy really.

So with a week til Christmas i am finally starting to get a little more into the Holiday Spirit. I was beginning to think i was going to get a visit from the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future if things didnt turn around.

Hope you all are blessed and enjoy this season with your families.

Praying and Praying

Here lately I have been praying a lot. For a number of things. Sometimes i wonder if God thinks i am just whiny.

I have been praying for patience a lot lately. It seems i have been doing a whole lot of yelling and not enough loving. I am stressed and worried and just not in an overall great mood. The yelling only adds to the stress and bad feelings. I feel like i am spiraling into a bit of a depression. I pray for help with all of this. Most of all the patience.

I have been praying for God to help me with the bad habits i possess. Despite the many tries i am still smoking. Maybe more now then ever. It has always been a roller coaster for me. I get down to less then half a pack a day and i tell myself, "ok now is the time to quit". Then it is like my body rebels and i start smoking like a freight train again. It is a vicious circle. I don't want to smoke so i ask god to take the addiction away. To help me not want this anymore.

I spend a lot of time praying for those around me who need his help.

I have been praying a whole lot for him to guide me to what i am suppose to be doing with my life. Am i suppose to just be a mother and wife? Do i need to go back to school? Do i need to find a way to get a job? I feel so lost. I need His guidance.

Then i sit and think. Am i asking Him for too much? I don't think i am but i do think i am asking for things and then not listening to the instructions. I sometimes feel like he is showing me the way but i am just missing the turns because i am too busy trying to avoid the potholes.

Does this happen to you? I know God promises he will be there for us but he does not promise that the road we walk will be without holes and bumps. He never promised a even flat road just a solid one. Is this my problem? Am i just not doing what he is leading me to do because i am to busy trying to avoid the bumpy road?

How how i wish things were just simple. There is so much to do and never enough time to do it in. So much stress and not enough stress relievers. Too much yelling and not enough smiling. Too much! Where is the balance?

I guess i need to pray more. Listen more. Have more faith that the answer he gives is the right one.

Fed Up

I have had it with our school system. I really am just at my wits end. When i posted about Phabian's school problems almost a month ago i thought i was their but now i know i am. Since the last post i have talked to the teacher a few more times and attempted to get in contact with the vice principal and principal to no avail. I have left messages, and even showed up. Nothing! Nada!

Today we got his report card for the semester. He got all "s" (satisfactory) except one. He got a "n" (non satisfactory) in completes independent work carefully. So maybe this isnt a big deal to anyone else but to me it is odd that a 5 year old, boy to boot, is expected to write neatly. Maybe i am reading into this too much or wrong but to me it just seems a little overboard. To add to it at the bottom of the page where the teacher can leave comments she said and i will quote here:

"Phabian is still doing very well, and is a good reader. His behavior has changed a little in this past 9 weeks. I'm hoping its due to the holidays and excitement going on around here. I'm sure he will come back ready to work and learn."

Now it has never been brought up to us in any meeting that he wasn't willing and ready to learn. For that matter it has always been told to us that he is a great student and loves to learn. He always finishes assignments quickly and picks up fast on new things. So i am confused by that last sentence. If there is a lack of work ethic going on it needs to be addressed.

It seems to me like a brush off of everything i have talked to her about. Like it was never discussed between us that Phabian has been acting out and how we could possibly correct or divert this behavior. I am just a little livid at the way the school is treating this situation.

But this is not why i am tyoing today. What i came here was to ask for help. I have decided to look into home schooling. I am lost a little as to where to start. I know a lot of mothers who blog also home school and i would like to talk to you guys. Where did you start? What resourses do you use? How do you keep your sanity?

I am not sure if i can do it or not. I am not sure if it is a affordable option for us as well. All i know is i am not happy with the way things are going and short of camping out at the school to catch the vice/principal at a free moment i am lost. So please if you home school or know someone who home schools send them to me. Give them my email, blog, what ever it is that you can to get into contact with me. I just want to get information and make an educated decision.

Death and a Funeral

Have i ever mentioned here how much i hate attending funerals? I am not really sure if i have so i will.

I really hate going to viewings, wakes, funerals, graveside services. Really anything having to do with the death of someone.

I believe this stems from the fact that i watched my grandma buried when i was 14 followed by my mother less then 4 months later, a month after my 15th birthday.

I also hate hospitals. to be more specific i hate going to the hospital to visit people who are dying. I spent a week straight sleeping in the waiting room of a hospital watching my mom die. I went home for a bath one time in that week because i was too scared she would die if i left.

The smell, the tubes, the doctors, the nurses, the tape, the machines! It all makes my stomach absolutely turn. Even the knowledge of going to a hospital makes me panic.

For these reasons i avoid as much as possible putting myself in these situations.

Unfortunately, sometimes things happen and we can not avoid facing life.

Back in September my Great Uncle who we called Unc was diagnosed with late stage prostate cancer. By the time they discovered it, the cancer had already spread to his lungs and liver. Needless to say the prognosis was not good. We still had faith. My family is very VERY strong in our faith. We know that sometimes the answer is not what we want to hear but none the less God always answers us.

(I will not go into details about his care because it is a whole other post to itself. I might write about it here later so that it can be a light to others. He was treated in a way that no person should ever be treated.)

Back in early November i went to visit Unc at the hospital. On the way there my husband watched as i started to panic. The closer we got to the hospital, the more i started to breathe deep, close my eyes longer, anything to keep from busting into uncontrollable sobs.

We visited with him that day for about 2 hours. His daughter, and one of my favorite people, walked us out. She hugged us and thanked us for coming. We talked and then departed. At the time no one thought he would make it through the week.

Fast forward to December 2nd, I received the call i had been dreading. Unc passed away peacefully with his family by his side.

Now to explain why i was dreading this i have to admit that i was being a bit selfish. I was not dreading his passing because i wanted him with me. Not that kind of selfish. He is much better off where he is now. Their is no pain or sorrow for him anymore. He is at peace with his family who went before him. I was selfish because i knew with his death came a funeral. And the thought of it made me panic.

The viewing was Saturday night. It went smoothly. I managed to force myself up to the casket to say my goodbyes. He looked great. Better then he did in the hospital. The peace on his face is only something that comes with death and the removal of the stress of this world.

I spent time with family who was in from out of state. We laughed. We looked at pictures. We cried a bit when someone told us a story about how Unc had helped them. He had 4 children, 6 grandchildren, and 4 great grandkids. He was blessed and we were blessed to have him.

Sunday was the grave side service. They opted for this rather then a service. I was thankful. Having to watch the coffin be closed for the last time is one of the hardest things for me.

As we stood around the grave side and listened as his kids and friends all spoke i laughed and sniffled. It was cold, and snowy. My feet were freezing. My heart way heavy. But i was amazed i was doing so well. And then it happened. A friend of Unc's daughters sang Amazing Grace.

I lost it. My legs went weak and my heart broke into. This is a song that they frequently sing at funerals. But for me it is the song they sang at my mom's. It is the song she sang to me as a child to calm me and put me to sleep. It is the song she sang while she cooked or at church on Sunday morning.

In the back of my head i heard her singing and i absolutely lost all the composure i had strained to keep.

This is why i hate this part of life. It is hard for me. I am stunted at 15 emotionally when it comes to death. I don't know how or if it is even possible for me to be able to get over it. All i know is at that moment and any other like this that i have faced, i break down to a heartbroken, devastated teen.

I don't remember anymore where i was going with this post or how i should end it, so i will share a memory.

Unc always had a nickname for everyone. If he called you by your given name it was probably because he didn't know you that well. My Aunt Kay was always Kadeedid, His daughter Kim was always Kimbo, my Brother was always Lil Bean (Unc was Big Bean) and me....I was Pickle Head. This could be because he just liked the name or it could be because for a whole year of my toddler years i would eat nothing but green beans and pickles. Either way it is a great memory for me.

'Tis The Most.....

.......Stressful time of the year.

A few days ago on my Facebook page i was telling (well posting for whoever was really reading) that cooking for the holidays is not stressful for me. I don't mind the hours spent in the kitchen or the dishes that don't come out perfect even after i have slaved over them all day. A matter of fact i love cooking for the holidays more then any other meal. It makes me feel full of joy and happiness at feeding my family. Knowing they are full, warm, and happy. It is GREAT (and probably a little weird to the rest of you)!

This Thanksgiving i cooked a massive meal to feed not just my family but about 15 people. I was excited! I normally only cook for the 4 (now 5) of us. It was great. I made turkey, ham, kale, mashed potatoes, gravy, baked mac n cheese, sweet potato casserole, rolls, and 2 pumpkin pies. Why 2 pies you ask? Well because i dropped the first one in the floor of course lol. Way to start out a morning i tell ya (consider this a Thanksgiving update lol).

Anyways back to the point of this post.

As i said, I don't find the cooking stressful in the least. I know things are bound to go wrong. My timing will be off, something might burn, something might get dropped (smile), and it is a guarantee that something will get forgotten until after we are finished eating (like the rolls). But i have come to accept this fact and just flow with it.

What i can not flow with is the never ending stream of "I want this", "Will Santa bring me this", " OH MY GOSH I have to have that". My kids change their minds like they change underwear. What they want today will be long forgotten tomorrow when they see a new commercial, for a new toy, that is even bigger and better. What was wanted yesterday is completely in the dust of today.

This leaves me in a tough spot when we did all of our Christmas shopping a month ago (we actually went earlier this year lol) and have all the presents we intended to buy in layaway as we speak. I have already told family and friends what to get the kids (we bought them both a tag reading system so books to go with that, trains to go with Phabian's Thomas the Train set, and Cars to go with MJ's race track, and clothes of course because Santa, Mommy and Daddy only buy toys). We are out of money and less then 25 days to Christmas.

We still have to buy for the 5 names we drew at my MIL's house plus my niece and nephew. This will probably take up the last little bit of free money we have. So all these late add ons the kids have requested from Santa are completely out of the question. I have tried to explain to the kids that Santa is also feeling the bad economy but somehow my 4 and 5 year olds just don't get what the economy has to do with Christmas.

It leaves me feeling drained sad exhausted stressed and a little like a failure.

Don't get me wrong we bought a lot for the kids. They will by no means go without a ton of presents under the tree. Plus they get presents from my brother, my dad, my MIL, aunts and uncles, and my aunts and grandma are coming in from Florida this year. They also go celebrate with a very close friend of ours who's parents consider them their grandkids and there for the rest of her family has adopted them as well. They will ultimately get more then they really need and everything there eyes can fathom.

So why in the world do i let this stress me so badly?

Why do i give in to the temptation to feel like a failure just because i cant buy them every single thing they want?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??????

Is it just me? Please tell me someone else out there feels like this as well? I need to let myself off easier but for some reason i just cant seem to do it. I wish i had some great psychological insight that i could share but i don't. LA SIGH!

So for now i am going to try to go relax and let it go. The kids will get what they get and what they need. They will not go without and ultimately i know when they wake up Christmas morning they will have those same looks of awe and excitement as they do every year.

I need to enjoy these fleeting years. Soon they will stop believing and start asking for extremely over priced electronics.