Yesterday was my first appointment with the Midwife. She was such a sweet lady and very soothing and calm. She talked to me a lot about how the Birthing Center works and what they like to do there. She checked my uterus and said i feel 8 weeks along which is still what we both estimate that i am. They will send me a letter for my US when they get it scheduled and we will find out then how far i am along for sure. For now though she is putting my EDD date at November 8th.
Yesterday we really just did a whole lot of talking and filling out paper work. I had to take what they call a preemptive glucose test. It is the same one you take around 25 weeks or so but they like to do one then so that they can catch any early problems. So far so good i guess and we will know more after the US.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
So today is the last day of 5 Minutes for Mom's Ultimate Blog Party 2009! I must say i have had so much fun this week surfing through the list of blogs and meeting so many new people. I have enjoyed all the new visitors to my blog and reading through the wonderful comments you all have left. I truly hope you all decide to stick around so that i can get to know you all more.
My reader is now jammed to capacity with new blogs and i think i will now spend about 18 hours a day reading blogs lol. I really can't complain because i love every minute of it. You all have such great stories to share and i couldn't imagine not hearing from you all.
Now that the week is over we wait for the prize drawings. This is my favorite part. It is almost like gambling. I get so excited that i could possibly win something. It is very addictive lol. They are giving away a load of great prizes thanks to lots of great sponsors. I still have my eyes set on quiet a few specific prizes but would take anything they give me because the prizes are all amazing.
Now on to something unexpected!
As i read through my reader this morning i stumbled upon something i was not expecting. Baba from Baba's Farm Life bestowed upon me this amazingly cute and touching Friends Award.
Now here are the rules:These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.
So now it's my turn to pick 8 and pass on this lovely award. All beautiful blogs that I hope you'll visit. I know you'll love reading them!
- Elaine @ The Miss Elaine-ious Life
- Jen @ Rolling Through Looneyville
- Jennifer @ My Charming Kids (Pls continue to pray for baby Stellan)
- Christina @ Momology
- Carrie @ Happy Family
- Megan @ Fried Okra
- Brittany @ Becoming A Mommy
- Stephanie @ Adventures in Babywearing
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Natural Mama
I have always had the desire to be a "Natural Mama". I am not exactly sure how most people would define that but i do what my definition is. I wanted to be the mom who exclusively breastfeeds, uses cloth diapers, makes her own baby food, carries her baby in a sling, and provides all the love a nutrition her baby needs.
When i had Phabian i just knew the motherhood would be just like it was in the movies. I would have my baby and then he would instantly latch on to the breast. I would feel this instant bond and we would love each other so deeply that nothing could come between us. I was naive to the fact that nothing about being a mother is easy. Everything is hard and takes time. It doesn't always go exactly as we want it to. Nor is it ever "perfect".
The day i had Phabian i remember the nurses asking me if i wanted to breastfeed. I excitedly told them yes and they handed him over (after he had already been taken away to be cleaned and weighted) and i happily placed him up to the breast. He didn't seem interested but i was persistent. Finally he opened his mouth and i pushed the nipple in. It hurt and then i was told he wasn't latched on right.
Over the next 2 days we tried over and over again. I was becoming angry with the fact that i couldn't get this right. That something about me wasn't right with me and that i couldn't figure this whole "natural" thing out. Finally they brought me a pump and i managed to pump enough for him to drink. I felt better that at least he was getting something. I later found out that the nurse in the Nursery had given him a bottle which made me so angry i could have spit nails.
Once we got home i continued to try and work on our latch and also pumped to make sure he was getting milk. We did this for 6 weeks. In that period Phabian maybe latched on correctly 1 time. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was about 3 in the morning and my husband was working a night shift. I was so tired and i just wanted Phabian to go back to sleep. I laid him beside me in my bed and tried (in my half asleep state) to get the boob in his mouth. He latched on perfectly and nursed for 20 minutes before falling into a milk induced coma. The next morning i awoke excited to try again. Alas it seemed it was a fluke that could not be duplicated.
That was about week 3 and i could feel that something wasn't right with me. I wasn't feeling right. At times i didn't want to even hold Phabian much less try and feed him. I felt like a cow when i would go into a cold dark room to attach the pump to my breast. More than anything i felt like a failure. Why couldn't i get my baby to latch on? Why couldn't i produce the nutrition he needed? Everyone knows you can't build a bond bottle feeding! These are all things i thought day after day.
I remember the day that it all hit rock bottom. I was holding Phabian in my arms while begging my husband not to go to work. I was in tears screaming for him not to go, not to leave me alone again. As he walked out the door i collapsed on the floor and cried with Phabian in my arms. I cried for a long time. I didn't understand why i as crying or what was going on. I didn't understand why i was having these feelings. It couldn't be PPD (Post Partum Depression) because ever cause of that i had heard about involved the mother wanting to harm her baby and i didn't want to hurt him. When i finally got up off the floor, i fed him a bottle of breast milk, changed his diaper, and we both laid down for a nap.
It wasn't until later when i stopped pumping, when i stopped pressuring myself to be perfect, when i realized that sometimes things just don't go the way we want them to, i realized that i was suffering PPD. I understood that i needed to ask for help. And so i did. I told my best friend and my husband. I needed a break. I needed a night of rest. I needed to stop pumping and stop pressuring myself. I needed to be happy.
It was a long journey and a hard one. I learned a lot of lessons and realized that nothing, not even motherhood. is ever going to be perfect. I am an ok mama. I love my kids. I provide them nutrition. I give them shelter. I give them love. It may not be from my breast, it may not be from other more "natural" ways, but what does natural mean anyways.
There is nothing more natural and organic than a mothers love!
When i had Phabian i just knew the motherhood would be just like it was in the movies. I would have my baby and then he would instantly latch on to the breast. I would feel this instant bond and we would love each other so deeply that nothing could come between us. I was naive to the fact that nothing about being a mother is easy. Everything is hard and takes time. It doesn't always go exactly as we want it to. Nor is it ever "perfect".
The day i had Phabian i remember the nurses asking me if i wanted to breastfeed. I excitedly told them yes and they handed him over (after he had already been taken away to be cleaned and weighted) and i happily placed him up to the breast. He didn't seem interested but i was persistent. Finally he opened his mouth and i pushed the nipple in. It hurt and then i was told he wasn't latched on right.
Over the next 2 days we tried over and over again. I was becoming angry with the fact that i couldn't get this right. That something about me wasn't right with me and that i couldn't figure this whole "natural" thing out. Finally they brought me a pump and i managed to pump enough for him to drink. I felt better that at least he was getting something. I later found out that the nurse in the Nursery had given him a bottle which made me so angry i could have spit nails.
Once we got home i continued to try and work on our latch and also pumped to make sure he was getting milk. We did this for 6 weeks. In that period Phabian maybe latched on correctly 1 time. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was about 3 in the morning and my husband was working a night shift. I was so tired and i just wanted Phabian to go back to sleep. I laid him beside me in my bed and tried (in my half asleep state) to get the boob in his mouth. He latched on perfectly and nursed for 20 minutes before falling into a milk induced coma. The next morning i awoke excited to try again. Alas it seemed it was a fluke that could not be duplicated.
That was about week 3 and i could feel that something wasn't right with me. I wasn't feeling right. At times i didn't want to even hold Phabian much less try and feed him. I felt like a cow when i would go into a cold dark room to attach the pump to my breast. More than anything i felt like a failure. Why couldn't i get my baby to latch on? Why couldn't i produce the nutrition he needed? Everyone knows you can't build a bond bottle feeding! These are all things i thought day after day.
I remember the day that it all hit rock bottom. I was holding Phabian in my arms while begging my husband not to go to work. I was in tears screaming for him not to go, not to leave me alone again. As he walked out the door i collapsed on the floor and cried with Phabian in my arms. I cried for a long time. I didn't understand why i as crying or what was going on. I didn't understand why i was having these feelings. It couldn't be PPD (Post Partum Depression) because ever cause of that i had heard about involved the mother wanting to harm her baby and i didn't want to hurt him. When i finally got up off the floor, i fed him a bottle of breast milk, changed his diaper, and we both laid down for a nap.
It wasn't until later when i stopped pumping, when i stopped pressuring myself to be perfect, when i realized that sometimes things just don't go the way we want them to, i realized that i was suffering PPD. I understood that i needed to ask for help. And so i did. I told my best friend and my husband. I needed a break. I needed a night of rest. I needed to stop pumping and stop pressuring myself. I needed to be happy.
It was a long journey and a hard one. I learned a lot of lessons and realized that nothing, not even motherhood. is ever going to be perfect. I am an ok mama. I love my kids. I provide them nutrition. I give them shelter. I give them love. It may not be from my breast, it may not be from other more "natural" ways, but what does natural mean anyways.
There is nothing more natural and organic than a mothers love!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Wordless/Wordful Wednesday 6
Now i know most people think pigeons are nasty but my kids love them. So as i sat outside in the warm weather enjoy the beautiful sunny day with my kids i snapped these shots of the pigeons taking a bath in a puddle across the street. It amazed me at all the different colors they were. I tried to get the white a brown one in a shot but he was a little more skittish than the others. My kids and I sat on out porch swing for an hour that say just watching the pigeons. It was a great mommy/sons time.
PS if you all could continue to pray for Baby Stellen. You can get updates from MckMama at My Charming Kids.
If you haven't hear yet we are partying all week long over at 5 Minutes for Mom (5MFM). There are lots of prizes to be won and plenty of blogs to visit so get your butts over there and get busy. If you would like to see my original introduction post i would be happy to oblige.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Panic Mode Already (UBP)
If you haven't hear yet we are partying all week long over at 5 Minutes for Mom (5MFM). There are lots of prizes to be won and plently of blogs to visit so get your butts over there and get busy. If you would like to see my original introduction post i would be happy to oblidge and i ahev once again added a Mr. Linky so sign away when you visit today.
I have entered a new stage in my only 8 week pregnancy. I am in panic mode and i haven't even made it out of the 1st trimester yet. I keep thinking about all the stuff that i really need and how i want things to be done this time around. It is a nerve racking thing. It is like we are starting over from scratch except this time i already know how to care for a baby.
Lets start with stuff that i actually need for a baby. I have given away everything i had for the boys. I mean MJ will be 3 1/2 by the time this baby is born so there was really no need for me to keep all the stuff i had. So i have a long list of stuff that i will have to buy or receive (via a baby shower of course) before this baby is born. Would you like to see the list? Sure you would so here we go in bullet form cause i am just cool like that.
I fully plan on breast feeding but as i learned from my first 2 babies that isn't always in the cards. I really do hope it is this time. I always was a little down on myself for not being able to make it work, but i have 2 healthy boys to show for the troubles.
As said above we need a crib but wont be buying one till after we move at the beginning of next year. Right now we live in a small 2 bedroom house and now will need a 3 bedroom. So sometime after the first of the year we will be moving and finding a bigger house to accommodate our bigger family. Then we will worry about a crib and bedding and all that jazz. Until then we will settle between a bedside bassinet or a co-sleeper of sorts. I really am against sleeping with a baby in the bed but had a great co-sleeper that attached to the side of the bed for the boys. I am hoping to find something similar.
This time around i will be going the route of a midwife/birthing center instead of a hospital birth. I was very unsatisfied with my hospital births and would very much like to labor in peace and comfort instead of strapped to a hard uncomfortable bed. I do not like the harsh lighting and fast paced doctors and nurses of the hospital.
Now i am not against hospital births. The hospital does there job well and a birthing center isn't for everyone (who knows it may not even be for me). All i know is i have always had a plan as how i wanted my labor and birth to go and the hospitals in my area are not willing to work with that plan.
I would love to have a drug free birth. I think i might like to labor in a birthing pool. Mostly i want to be free to move around and eat. I want to be able to to take pictures and video of my labor and birth. Bottom line is if this is to be my last i want it to be my way not hospital policy way. Does that make sense?
However this also worries me. As a woman who has had 2 hospital births both with epidurals after being administered pictocin i am scared that i can't do it. I am scared that i will get half way through the birth and panic. I am terrified that something will go wrong and they won't be able to get me to the hospital fast enough. I am scared.
I know women have been doing this for as long as we have been in existence but with all the modern technology do the doctors really know beter than nature. I trust my body to do what it is suppose to do naturally with out the drugs and nurses and doctors. It is just scary to think of all the could go wrong.
Alright i think i am done whining/crying/bitching/wishing for today. Hope everyone is having fun at the party and look forward to seeing you all again!
P.S. If you could all being praying for MckMama over at My Charming Kids. Her baby boy Stellen in back in the hospital battling and we are all praying that he is ok. Thanks!
I have entered a new stage in my only 8 week pregnancy. I am in panic mode and i haven't even made it out of the 1st trimester yet. I keep thinking about all the stuff that i really need and how i want things to be done this time around. It is a nerve racking thing. It is like we are starting over from scratch except this time i already know how to care for a baby.
Lets start with stuff that i actually need for a baby. I have given away everything i had for the boys. I mean MJ will be 3 1/2 by the time this baby is born so there was really no need for me to keep all the stuff i had. So i have a long list of stuff that i will have to buy or receive (via a baby shower of course) before this baby is born. Would you like to see the list? Sure you would so here we go in bullet form cause i am just cool like that.
- Crib (which can wait till we move cause we don't have a bedroom for it to go in)
- Crib Bedding (same applies as above)
- Diaper Bag (to put all the stuff in)
- Bottles (in case breastfeeding fails for a 3rd time)
- Sling (because i wanna be a baby wearer)
- Cloth Diapers (i wanna give it a try at least)
- Clothes (boy or girl we have nothing)
- Breast Pump (in case BFing fails and i still want to pump for at least the first few weeks)
- Pacifiers (this is not a choice as much as a sanity equalizer)
- Bath Tub (cause who wants a dirty stinky baby)
- Bassinet (in lou of a crib for the first few months)
- Bouncey (cause no baby wants to lay around all the time in a bassinet)
- Swing (for same above said reason plus its a great sleep inducing tool)
- Car Seat/Travel System
I fully plan on breast feeding but as i learned from my first 2 babies that isn't always in the cards. I really do hope it is this time. I always was a little down on myself for not being able to make it work, but i have 2 healthy boys to show for the troubles.
As said above we need a crib but wont be buying one till after we move at the beginning of next year. Right now we live in a small 2 bedroom house and now will need a 3 bedroom. So sometime after the first of the year we will be moving and finding a bigger house to accommodate our bigger family. Then we will worry about a crib and bedding and all that jazz. Until then we will settle between a bedside bassinet or a co-sleeper of sorts. I really am against sleeping with a baby in the bed but had a great co-sleeper that attached to the side of the bed for the boys. I am hoping to find something similar.
This time around i will be going the route of a midwife/birthing center instead of a hospital birth. I was very unsatisfied with my hospital births and would very much like to labor in peace and comfort instead of strapped to a hard uncomfortable bed. I do not like the harsh lighting and fast paced doctors and nurses of the hospital.
Now i am not against hospital births. The hospital does there job well and a birthing center isn't for everyone (who knows it may not even be for me). All i know is i have always had a plan as how i wanted my labor and birth to go and the hospitals in my area are not willing to work with that plan.
I would love to have a drug free birth. I think i might like to labor in a birthing pool. Mostly i want to be free to move around and eat. I want to be able to to take pictures and video of my labor and birth. Bottom line is if this is to be my last i want it to be my way not hospital policy way. Does that make sense?
However this also worries me. As a woman who has had 2 hospital births both with epidurals after being administered pictocin i am scared that i can't do it. I am scared that i will get half way through the birth and panic. I am terrified that something will go wrong and they won't be able to get me to the hospital fast enough. I am scared.
I know women have been doing this for as long as we have been in existence but with all the modern technology do the doctors really know beter than nature. I trust my body to do what it is suppose to do naturally with out the drugs and nurses and doctors. It is just scary to think of all the could go wrong.
Alright i think i am done whining/crying/bitching/wishing for today. Hope everyone is having fun at the party and look forward to seeing you all again!
P.S. If you could all being praying for MckMama over at My Charming Kids. Her baby boy Stellen in back in the hospital battling and we are all praying that he is ok. Thanks!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
(UBP) The Game
My boys...the ones that i gave birth to and love with all my heart! The same ones who are driving me insane on a daily basis cause i haven't really had a solid week of work in about 2 weeks! They have found a new favorite game. Do you want to guess as to what it is? I will give you a moment!
Ok do you have your guess?
Well you are probably right if you are a mom of multiple kids. They have found out how fun it is to play in the bathroom. Now this isn't exactly new as they both at one time or another have played in there but the doing it together is new. And it is double the trouble.
We are feverishly trying to potty train MJ. He decided on his own that he no longer wants to wear diapers but instead wants to wear big boy undies. I am just following the lead this time around and letting him figure things out in his own way with a bit of gentle guidance. He is doing great except that he wants to be in the bathroom 24/7 and where he is Phabian thinks he needs to be as well.
This wouldn't be so bad if i felt like sitting watch in front of the bathroom 24/7, but i don't. I have other stuff to accomplish during my days other than sitting in front of the bathroom door. About 3 times a day i find myself running them out of the bathroom and cleaning up what ever mess they have made at the time.
Over the past week or so these are the situation i have ran into.
They have clogged up the toilet about 5 times causing it to over flow. This wouldn't be that bad is the idiot who built this house hadn't put carpet in the bathroom. Do you know how hard it is to clean gallons of blue water off of a pink carpet? Even the though of soggy wet carpet makes me cringe.
I have had 3 bottle of deodorant destroyed. They seem to find it fun to take the deodorant and find anything they can to dig every last piece out of the container out and onto the said above wet floor. I now have went (regrettably) without deodorant for 3 days.
The same above said problem has happened with all my body spray. They seem to think it is bubble stuff or something and open the bottle to poor it down the drain. MJ has even mistaken it for Kool Aid and tried to drink a bit of it but lucky for me i caught him before he was able to down it.
My hair brushes have gone missing. Now i have about 4 hair brushes because i admittedly lose then often myself. Now all 4 of them have disappeared without a hint as to wear they went. Maybe they found there way down the toilet with the whole roll of TP!
Also my counters and mirror have been painted with multiple tubes of tooth paste. Beautiful shades of pink, blue, sparkle blue, and white. If you have never tried to clean tooth paste off of something after it dries then you are lucky. It is like cleaning rubbery glue. If it gets in the carpet instead of a hard surface you minus well give up and by new carpet.
I just am at wits end with this situation. How do you guys handle your kids wanting to play in the bathroom. Is there a trick i am missing? Some kind of trap to stop them. Do i need to rig the door to only open when i say a magic word? What punishment is acceptable? I don't want them to feel like they have to ask to go to the bathroom but at the same time i don't want to clean up 20 gazillion messes a day in the bathroom. HELP!?!?!?!?!?!?!
As a side note i am still partying hardy at the UBP 2009 over at 5 Minutes for Mom! Hop on over there and check out the prizes and all the people who are partying as well. I also added a Mr. Linky to this page so that when you stop by my blog you can leave a link so others can find you.
Ok do you have your guess?
Well you are probably right if you are a mom of multiple kids. They have found out how fun it is to play in the bathroom. Now this isn't exactly new as they both at one time or another have played in there but the doing it together is new. And it is double the trouble.
We are feverishly trying to potty train MJ. He decided on his own that he no longer wants to wear diapers but instead wants to wear big boy undies. I am just following the lead this time around and letting him figure things out in his own way with a bit of gentle guidance. He is doing great except that he wants to be in the bathroom 24/7 and where he is Phabian thinks he needs to be as well.
This wouldn't be so bad if i felt like sitting watch in front of the bathroom 24/7, but i don't. I have other stuff to accomplish during my days other than sitting in front of the bathroom door. About 3 times a day i find myself running them out of the bathroom and cleaning up what ever mess they have made at the time.
Over the past week or so these are the situation i have ran into.
They have clogged up the toilet about 5 times causing it to over flow. This wouldn't be that bad is the idiot who built this house hadn't put carpet in the bathroom. Do you know how hard it is to clean gallons of blue water off of a pink carpet? Even the though of soggy wet carpet makes me cringe.
I have had 3 bottle of deodorant destroyed. They seem to find it fun to take the deodorant and find anything they can to dig every last piece out of the container out and onto the said above wet floor. I now have went (regrettably) without deodorant for 3 days.
The same above said problem has happened with all my body spray. They seem to think it is bubble stuff or something and open the bottle to poor it down the drain. MJ has even mistaken it for Kool Aid and tried to drink a bit of it but lucky for me i caught him before he was able to down it.
My hair brushes have gone missing. Now i have about 4 hair brushes because i admittedly lose then often myself. Now all 4 of them have disappeared without a hint as to wear they went. Maybe they found there way down the toilet with the whole roll of TP!
Also my counters and mirror have been painted with multiple tubes of tooth paste. Beautiful shades of pink, blue, sparkle blue, and white. If you have never tried to clean tooth paste off of something after it dries then you are lucky. It is like cleaning rubbery glue. If it gets in the carpet instead of a hard surface you minus well give up and by new carpet.
I just am at wits end with this situation. How do you guys handle your kids wanting to play in the bathroom. Is there a trick i am missing? Some kind of trap to stop them. Do i need to rig the door to only open when i say a magic word? What punishment is acceptable? I don't want them to feel like they have to ask to go to the bathroom but at the same time i don't want to clean up 20 gazillion messes a day in the bathroom. HELP!?!?!?!?!?!?!
As a side note i am still partying hardy at the UBP 2009 over at 5 Minutes for Mom! Hop on over there and check out the prizes and all the people who are partying as well. I also added a Mr. Linky to this page so that when you stop by my blog you can leave a link so others can find you.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Spoke Too Quickly
So I am still partying all week long. So please make sure to head over to 5 Minutes for Mom and look at the prizes and visit as many blogs as you can. You never know who you might meet and what friends you can make.
Now as the title of this post so nicely says i think i may have spoken too soon. I have always been so lucky as to never have any morning sickness or nausea with any of my pregnancies. I naturally assumed that this would continue with this pregnancy. And up until now it was true.
I am approximately 7 or 8 weeks along and had been feeling just fine till a few days ago i realized that every time i ate my tummy would start to rumble. Today it is taking every thing i have not to get sick. Every time i eat or drink anything my tummy starts to turn and it takes about 2 minutes of me sitting so still before the feeling goes away.
I really don't know how to deal with this. I really hate vomiting. It is one of my least favorite things in the whole world. I mean i don't really know anyone who likes to throw up or hover over the toilet but i would rather get an enema than have to throw up (yes this is how much i detest it). What i dislike just as much is the feeling of needing to throw up.
It is like i get the cough going and then i have to stop because if i cough too much i'm going to lose it everywhere. It seems like no matter what i do i feel nausea. If i dont eat i feel sick, if i do eat i feel sick, and if i try to just drink some Sprite to calm my tummy it makes me...................................................................................................................................................................
........................................................................................................................................................................
..........................................................................................................................you guessed it FEEL SICK!!!!
So just to keep you all entertained for today here is the newest picture of my growing belly. I dont know if i cm just fat or if my belly is getting really big really fast. I mean i know i have some puge on my belly but i feel like my belly is popping out there way farther than it did with my other to pregnancies. Oh well we have our first appointment on the 30th and we will find out more then i guess.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Ultimate Blog Party 2009
Some of you might have noticed a similar button on the side of my page and wondered what they heck is that! Well today is the beginning of The Ultimate Blog party 2009 hosted by 5 Minutes For Mom. It isn't just for Moms, but for everyone who loves kids as much as we do. There will be lots of fun things to do and people to meet plus a ton of great PRIZES!
Speaking of prizes let me tell you about a few of my favorites.
1 — $100 gift certificate to either Pedal Cars and Retro or A Rocking Horse To Love Provided by: 5 Minutes for Mom Prize details: Pedal Cars, Retro Collectibles, Rocking Toys, and Children’s Furniture. 5 Minutes for Mom would like to donate a $100 gift certificate to
7 — Ergo Baby Carrier
Provided by: A Giveaway Addicted Mommy
Prize Details: One winner will receive an Ergo Baby Carrier, Front Pouch & Backpack. Valued at $163
10 — One copy of “Overcoming Obstacles with SPUNK! The Keys to Leadership & Goal-Setting”
Provided by: Author & professional speaker, L. Diane Wolfe www.spunkonastick.net
Prize details: Are you ready to break through the barriers obstructing your goals? Joined by authors David Ambrose, p.m. terrell, Darlene Wofford, Jocelyn Andersen, Bob Johnson, C. Denise Sutton, and Bill Wilson, Wolfe’s book will energize your passion for life!
14 — $43 in products
Provided By: Andrea Hatfield- Scentsy Consultant
Prize Details: 1 Scentsy Warmer, 1 Scentsy Bar and 1 Scentsy Room Spray - winners choice!
19 — $50 gift certificate to Target Stores
Provided by: Shoot-Me-Now
Prize details: Treat your kids, or even better, treat yourself! Shoot-Me-Now would like to donate a $50 Target gift card to one winner.
20 – 5 bars of handmade goat milk soap, your choice of scent
Provided by: Goat Milk Stuff
Prize details: Feel the difference that goat milk makes! Goat Milk Stuff is donating 5 bars of our handmade goat milk soap (made with milk from our own dairy goats). And the best part - you get to choose your favorite scents!
And these are just a few. I would take anything they are giving away because they are all amazing prizes. Go check them out for yourself and don't forget you have from March 20th - March 27th to figure out what you like.
So head on over and grab a button for your blog if you have one. If you don't blog you can also participate through Facebook and Twitter. Then link up on the Mr. Linky at 5MFM. This is a great way for us all to make new friends via the Internet and find great reads for some amazing blogs! You never know who will be there so hurry up and check it out.
I guess i could tell you a little about me! The name of my blog really does say a lot about my life. I have 2 boys, Phabian 4 and MJ almost 3. I have been married going on 5 years to a great father and husband. I am currently pregnant with baby number 3 and praying that it is a girl so we can half way even out this testosterone driven house of mine lol. Chaos is the norm in my house no matter the time of day or what has been planned.
Feel free to poke around and check out some of my older post. I am a fairly new blogger and have planned my first giveaway for my upcoming 200th post. I always enjoy a good conversation with a new bloggyland friend. I really hope you enjoy your stay here at Chaos Is Us. I know i will enjoy you being here. Most of all have fun!!!!
Speaking of prizes let me tell you about a few of my favorites.
1 — $100 gift certificate to either Pedal Cars and Retro or A Rocking Horse To Love Provided by: 5 Minutes for Mom Prize details: Pedal Cars, Retro Collectibles, Rocking Toys, and Children’s Furniture. 5 Minutes for Mom would like to donate a $100 gift certificate to
7 — Ergo Baby Carrier
Provided by: A Giveaway Addicted Mommy
Prize Details: One winner will receive an Ergo Baby Carrier, Front Pouch & Backpack. Valued at $163
10 — One copy of “Overcoming Obstacles with SPUNK! The Keys to Leadership & Goal-Setting”
Provided by: Author & professional speaker, L. Diane Wolfe www.spunkonastick.net
Prize details: Are you ready to break through the barriers obstructing your goals? Joined by authors David Ambrose, p.m. terrell, Darlene Wofford, Jocelyn Andersen, Bob Johnson, C. Denise Sutton, and Bill Wilson, Wolfe’s book will energize your passion for life!
14 — $43 in products
Provided By: Andrea Hatfield- Scentsy Consultant
Prize Details: 1 Scentsy Warmer, 1 Scentsy Bar and 1 Scentsy Room Spray - winners choice!
19 — $50 gift certificate to Target Stores
Provided by: Shoot-Me-Now
Prize details: Treat your kids, or even better, treat yourself! Shoot-Me-Now would like to donate a $50 Target gift card to one winner.
20 – 5 bars of handmade goat milk soap, your choice of scent
Provided by: Goat Milk Stuff
Prize details: Feel the difference that goat milk makes! Goat Milk Stuff is donating 5 bars of our handmade goat milk soap (made with milk from our own dairy goats). And the best part - you get to choose your favorite scents!
And these are just a few. I would take anything they are giving away because they are all amazing prizes. Go check them out for yourself and don't forget you have from March 20th - March 27th to figure out what you like.
So head on over and grab a button for your blog if you have one. If you don't blog you can also participate through Facebook and Twitter. Then link up on the Mr. Linky at 5MFM. This is a great way for us all to make new friends via the Internet and find great reads for some amazing blogs! You never know who will be there so hurry up and check it out.
I guess i could tell you a little about me! The name of my blog really does say a lot about my life. I have 2 boys, Phabian 4 and MJ almost 3. I have been married going on 5 years to a great father and husband. I am currently pregnant with baby number 3 and praying that it is a girl so we can half way even out this testosterone driven house of mine lol. Chaos is the norm in my house no matter the time of day or what has been planned.
Feel free to poke around and check out some of my older post. I am a fairly new blogger and have planned my first giveaway for my upcoming 200th post. I always enjoy a good conversation with a new bloggyland friend. I really hope you enjoy your stay here at Chaos Is Us. I know i will enjoy you being here. Most of all have fun!!!!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
A Thousand Words Thursday 4
It is very appropriate that today is A Thousand Word Thursday because i feel as if i could go on forever.
Today is the 8th anniversary of my Mom's passing. It is still so very hard to breathe. Just as much so as it was 8 years ago. I miss my mom terribly. She missed so much in my life. She wasn't able to be there for my high school graduation, my wedding, and the birth of my kids.
Although the pain numbs after the years it never fades completely. I have talked about her before on here and i am sure i will talk about her again. To those who read my blog this is probably nothing you haven't read before, but today more than any other i need to let it all out.
I was 15 when she passed away. She was admitted to the hospital on a Tuesday and died the following Tuesday. She had a highly malignant and fast growing brain tumor. When they found it that first day it was the size of a golf ball and by the time she passed it had consumed her whole brain.
We knew for awhile that something was wrong. It wasn't like she hadn't been sick for awhile. She had a heart attack in December followed by a stroke in January. She had a rapid decline, but the previous things did not signal what was ultimately wrong.
My Mom, who was a supreme cook, started to burn things. She would forget that things were in the oven baking and no one would know till we smelt it burning. She would forget to brush her hair or take a shower. This was not like my mom. These were things she just didnt do. I remember my Aunt Kay asking her one day is she had brushed her hair and her saying yea but i dont think i did a good job. She was almost like a child. I then remember my Aunt sitting her down in a chair and brushin gher hair for her the way she liked it. She sprayed it with my Mom's favorite hair spray and then dabbed on some of my Mom's favorite perfume.
I still have 2 bottles of that perfume that i keep safely tucked away in the back of the medicine cabinet. When i pass women on the street wearing it, it stops me dead in my tracks. that sweet smell will forever remind me of her and conjour images in my head of my mom hugging me so tight i couldnt breathe.
The day they admitted her i was in a big fight with my then best friend over this hoochiefied plaid dress. I remember it like it was yesterday, the memory dancing in my head. She had bought the exact same dress as me and it was a big no no. I was furious at her and we said some really hurtful things to one another and then just didnt speak.
I went to meet my Aunt who worked at the Cable office in the mall and that is when she told me the news. I remember her yelling at me because i was running later. Like i knew what was wrong or something and i had caused her to be late getting to the hospital. My ex with whom i had been with all day chased me down as i fled off in tears.
i remember collapsing in the side exit of the mall. I was crying so hard i couldnt breathe! I just laided there on the cold tile floor and cried into my ex's arms. My heart hurt so bad. At first i refused to go the the hospital. I was in denial that this could possibly be my life. My Ex, who is stilla great friend to this day, finally held me up and walked the 10 blocks with me to the hospital.
I remember talking about her being there for stuff like my graduation, my wedding, my furture kids. The Ex just kept saying to try and stay positive and that people beat cancer everyday. At the time i thought maybe it could be us. My Mom was a fighter and she could do this. She could beat the odds and over come this obsticle.
My Mom who was a great woman of faith had always told me that God answers prayers. So i started to pray. For the next 8 days i prayed so hard that my fingers hurt from being claspt so hard together. My knees ached from being on them for so long on the hard hospital floor. My eyes hurt from crying and begging God to spare my family this pain. But in the end God didn't answer with what i wanted to hear.
It took me a long time to realize that he did indeed answer. For a long time i felt like he didnt hear me or that he just didnt care. But he did hear me and the answer just wasnt what i wanted to hear. I wanted it to be my way when in reality it was never going to be me that made the final decision.
When they called us in to unplug the machines i could barly breathe. I, a 15 year old rebelious teen girl, crawled in bed with my comatose mother. I held her close and storked her hair. I begged her not to go. I begged her to hear me and to find some strength to fight. I wasn't ready for her to go. I wasn't ready for the pain or the healing.
After they assured us she was gone and the room went quiet except for the sound of tears and sobs, i clipped her nails and trimme dher hair. I kept a little piece of each which i have still to this day. I kept them so i would never for get. She had just stopped biting her nails a year earlier and was so proud of them. And my Mom at 53 had not one grey hair. Her hair was still a beautiful multicolored hue of alburn.
Then i collaped in the floor under the hand dryer and just let it all go. I cried for about an hour non stop. Nothing could calm the tears and the wild breaking of my heart. I remember my brother pulling me up off the ground when it was time to go. We hugged for the longest i ever remember hugging my brother. He was my rock that day. He held me up when i wanted to do nothing more than collapse and die.
Here i am now 8 years later and it doesnt hurt any less. I will spend a great deal of my day crying today. I would love any prayers that can be sent my way. I miss her so so much. I wish she was here to see how her daughter turned out. I wish she could play with my kids and meet my husband. I wish she would have been there for their births and the upcoming birth of our next child. I just wish i copuld hear her voice and tell her i love her one more time.
I am sure this was way more than a thousand words but thanks you. Thank you for reading and letting me share my story and my feelings with someone.
For more A Thousand Word Thursday visit Jen at Cheaper Than Therapy and leave the other participants some comment love!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Wordless/Wordy Wednesday 5
One big happy family!
Too big for Mama's kisses?
MJ was talking to my belly!
Phabian being...well...Phabian!
MJ has the cutest little profile!
Phabian was practicing his roar!
MJ's roar was just a little less intimidating lol!These little boys make my word go round. Yesterday they were sick but you would never know that today. They both woke up with beautiful smiles on their faces and giggles to go around. When i look at them i cant help but smile and think how did i ever live without these rays of light. They make my life so much more complete and a heck of a lot more interesting. I love my babies even if they aren't my babies anymore!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Puke...Vomit...Whatever You Call It
We got it all!
MJ has had diarrhea for the past few days but i didn't think anything of it other than we are trying to potty train and it was a little inconvenient. But this morning he woke up about 5 am throwing up everywhere. He can't keep anything down. The poor thing doesn't have anything in his stomach so for the most part he is just dry heaving.
Just when i thought that was enough Phabian woke up at 8 and now at 9 he is throwing up everywhere too. I am pregnant so you can imagine how well it works for my stomach watching and comforting 2 puking kids. My stomach is turning and thank God i don't have a weak stomach or we would be in serious trouble.
Marcus is at work trying to hurry and get out so he can come home and help but it seems he can't get here fast enough. At the moment MJ is asleep on the couch and Phabian is watching Alvin and the Chipmunks in his bed. Neither have a fever or any other symptoms which makes me hesitant to take them to the ER less this continue for too long and they get dehydrated; then it really isn't an option not to.
I am suppose to be at work at 2 but obviously can not take the kids to the babysitter. Which leaves me waiting till Marcus gets home before i can go, and then leaves me feeling guilty because i should be home taking care of my babies but yet we really need the money.
What would you do? Would you take them to the ER or wait it out and see if it passes? Would you go ahead to work knowing how bad you need the money or would you stay home to take care of your kids and say the money can wait? I guess this is the life of a working Mom and it is such a hard position to be in.
MJ has had diarrhea for the past few days but i didn't think anything of it other than we are trying to potty train and it was a little inconvenient. But this morning he woke up about 5 am throwing up everywhere. He can't keep anything down. The poor thing doesn't have anything in his stomach so for the most part he is just dry heaving.
Just when i thought that was enough Phabian woke up at 8 and now at 9 he is throwing up everywhere too. I am pregnant so you can imagine how well it works for my stomach watching and comforting 2 puking kids. My stomach is turning and thank God i don't have a weak stomach or we would be in serious trouble.
Marcus is at work trying to hurry and get out so he can come home and help but it seems he can't get here fast enough. At the moment MJ is asleep on the couch and Phabian is watching Alvin and the Chipmunks in his bed. Neither have a fever or any other symptoms which makes me hesitant to take them to the ER less this continue for too long and they get dehydrated; then it really isn't an option not to.
I am suppose to be at work at 2 but obviously can not take the kids to the babysitter. Which leaves me waiting till Marcus gets home before i can go, and then leaves me feeling guilty because i should be home taking care of my babies but yet we really need the money.
What would you do? Would you take them to the ER or wait it out and see if it passes? Would you go ahead to work knowing how bad you need the money or would you stay home to take care of your kids and say the money can wait? I guess this is the life of a working Mom and it is such a hard position to be in.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Emotional Poetry
This is the poem i read at my Mom's funeral when i was 15. It was a hard thing to do but i am so glad that i did. I miss her so much and wish every day that she could be here with me and my children.
If I Could Give My Mom the World
If I could give my mom the world
Or anything she wanted,
I'd give her my own heart and soul
And leave my own heart haunted.
I'd take upon myself her life
With all its strife and pain,
And let her ease into some space
Where she could live again.
The pain for me would not be pain,
At least not for a while;
For I'd be doing it for her,
And I would see her smile.
I wish that I could take her heart
And cleanse it with my tears,
And make her sorrow go away,
And answer all her fears.
I wish, I wish, but then I can't,
As I watch helplessly,
And take her in my arms and say
I wish that it were me.
But loving is a hard, hard way,
With all the pain it brings.
And yet there is no other way
To touch the heart of things.
Nicholas Gordon
This is a poem that i wrote for my beautiful niece Nadia. I think about her all the time and wonder what she would be doing today. She would be turning 2 in August and even though i know she is in a better place, the selfish part of me would love for her to be here.
Untitled
Sweet child, you don't have to cry anymore
Sweet child, you'll get you wings and fly high above
Sweet child, your pain will be gone and your heart will mend
Sweet child, you don't have to worry
Your Mamas strong and she'll make it through the rain
And although the pain of you leaving will never fade
She will be able to make it through
All the while she'll be missing you
Sweet child, you know your Daddy loves you so
Sweet child, he is trying to get Mama through
Sweet child, you know you sisters talk to you
Sweet child they will always hold you close
Your family's strong and they'll make it through the rain
And although the pain of you leaving will never fade
They will be able to make it through
All the while they'll be missing you
Sweet child, we wish we could have know you more
Sweet child, we cant wait to see you grown
Sweet child, one day in heaven we will all meet
Sweet child, we just cant wait to see your smile
We are all strong and we will make it through the rain
And although the pain of you leaving will never fade
We will be able to make it through
All the while
Till we meet again
We will be missing you!!!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Weekly Winners/March 8th - 14th
March 8th - 14th
A male and female Pineapple Swordtail
Me at approximately 5/6 weeks
Phabian at his birthday party!
My big brother; One of my fave people!
I honestly haven't taken a whole lot of pictures this week but here is some of what i have taken! If you want more Weekly Winners head over to Sarcastic Mom's Blog and leave the other participants some love!
Phabian's first pet!
A male and female Pineapple Swordtail
Me at approximately 5/6 weeks
Phabian at his birthday party!
My big brother; One of my fave people!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
1000
I just realized i passed the 1000 visitor mark!!!!!!!!
WAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So i was planning on doing my first giveaway for either my 200th post or my 1000th visitor which ever came first but since i missed the 1000th visitor i guess it will wait for the 200th post! Just had to make the update for the day and say YAY!
WAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So i was planning on doing my first giveaway for either my 200th post or my 1000th visitor which ever came first but since i missed the 1000th visitor i guess it will wait for the 200th post! Just had to make the update for the day and say YAY!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Bad Blogger, BAD!!!
I just realized i owe you guys like 50 posts lol! Specifically about the stuff i bought and never finished telling you about and the survey i did about the Chinese Pregnancy Calender. So what i am going to do is wrap it into one post right now.
Here are a few pics of the beds we bought with income taxes. I am so in love with mine and the boys couldn't be happier.
My bed is so soft! It is micro suede...Oh yea!
Phabian picked out Wall-E and MJ picked out....dah dah dah....CARS!
As far as the Chinese Pregnancy Calender Survey goes. I would say that it is about 60 to 70% accurate. i didn't have a big pool to base it on but out of 27 kids 15 were correct and 12 were wrong. Here is to hoping i am one of the wrong cause based on my age and February being my month of conception i am due for another boy *sigh*!
So i am so so sorry about the lateness of this post but i hope you all forgive my tardy ass. i dont really know where i have been other than lazy lol! I promise that one of these days i will get that review of the Wii Fit to ya. I can tell ya this far i really like it ;)
Here are a few pics of the beds we bought with income taxes. I am so in love with mine and the boys couldn't be happier.
My bed is so soft! It is micro suede...Oh yea!
Phabian picked out Wall-E and MJ picked out....dah dah dah....CARS!
As far as the Chinese Pregnancy Calender Survey goes. I would say that it is about 60 to 70% accurate. i didn't have a big pool to base it on but out of 27 kids 15 were correct and 12 were wrong. Here is to hoping i am one of the wrong cause based on my age and February being my month of conception i am due for another boy *sigh*!So i am so so sorry about the lateness of this post but i hope you all forgive my tardy ass. i dont really know where i have been other than lazy lol! I promise that one of these days i will get that review of the Wii Fit to ya. I can tell ya this far i really like it ;)
A Thousand Words Thursday 3
This little girl! She just makes me grin every time i see her. So much personality in one little being. She epitomizes what i would love to have. I want a little girl. Please don't get me wrong i LOVE my boys! I love the ruff and tumble, digging in the dirt, playing with cars boys i have! They make my days filled with simple joys and excitement. Yet there is a part of me that wants so badly to have a girl. i never was a girly girl. I didn't like bows and dresses and i loved to play in the creek and dig in the dirt, but i so want a girl to be able to put the cute dresses on and headbands. I want to be able to put a cute pink bow in her hair and a ruffled pair of undies on her butt. Now i am not in denial! I know that chances are, even if i do have a girl, she might end up being a tomboy. She has 2 older brothers and there will be no girls really close in age to her except little Averiana (pictured above). She may want to dig in the dirt and play football with her brothers instead of put on the skirt and cheer with her friends. She may hate the color pink (like her mother) and despise ruffles. If this is what happens then so be it but i think a part of me would be calm and complete with a girl in my life. Even if she is a tomboy she would still be Mommy's and Daddy's little girl!For more A Thousand Words Thursday please click the button below and visit some others to show them some love!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Wordless/Wordful Wednesday 4
So that was fast! I had my IUD taken out on January 13th and according to my calculations i got pregnant around Valentine's Day! So all and all i guess i did get a nice gift for Valentine's Day! And just because this may be my last pregnancy and i plan on documenting every last little thing here is a beginning belly shot at what i am assuming is about 5 weeks along. (Don't laugh at my fat belly lol)
Gotta love how the boys marked me with all those stretch marks lol! They sure loved their Mama!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
The Party In Motion
I am being lazy today and don't really feel like writing out another long post so i am posting the videos from his party Sunday. I think that will explain it just as well as words maybe even better.
My First Born Part 2
You can find Part One here!
Here we are four years later and my boy is all grown up. He isn't a little baby who needs my attention 24/7 anymore. He has grown 23 1/2 inches and gained 30lbs since he was born that day. He had developed his own personality and his own way of doing things. We have had a journey getting there though.
At one he was still my baby! I was a month away from having MJ and he was the sweetest thing. he started walking at 9 months old so he was already on the go. He loved nothing more than to play with balloons and cell phones. He weighted 20 lbs and was around 28 inches tall although i could be off on the height. He had already started developing his stubborn personality. He wanted his way and your way would just not do. We lived in an apartment at the time and he loved to climb the stairs to the bathroom. His favorite activity was bath time and he would eat anything. His favorites included spinach, chicken nuggets, and carrots. He was a boy with a mission and he would get it done.
At two he was a big brother and very rambunctious. He like to pick out his own clothes and try to get himself dressed. He finally took interest in playing outside and on the slides and swings. His personality was starting to come into its own. He loved to laugh and tickle. He is and was such a happy kid. He was still only about 21 lbs and about 32 inches tall. His favorite foods were steak, chicken, and eggs (i guess it was a meat stage). My little man is what i always called him. Those blue eyes would do something to you! He could look at you and it was like your heart just melted and you couldn't say no. He was such a doll and i miss that time frame.
As three had just passed what can i say. This was a year of ups and downs. We learned a lot about each other and our patience levels. He was such an explorer this past year. He loved being able to dig outside in the dirt and discover buried treasure. He would often bury stuff just to go dig it up another day. He was way into pirates. He loved to watch the Pirates of the Caribbean movies although i was surprised he wasn't scared by them. He was also very much into cars and trucks. He still is a very smiley kid but had learned how to push the boundaries and see how far he can go. His favorite foods are salads, chicken nuggets (see the pattern lol), and kale. He is such a Daddy's boy but loved Mommy to cuddle him. We had a great year! He weights 35 lbs now and is 42 inches tall. He is growing up so fast these days. This was also his first year of school and he had gotten so smart. He can write his name and is now starting to recognize other words like cat and dog. He loves to write out things if you sound out the letters to him. He makes us proud everyday with all the knowledge he possesses.
I look forward to what the next year holds for us. He will have another year of Head Start/Pre-K. I look forward to what all he will learn this year. We will be taking on reading as well as continuing to learn how to write. As he moves out of the Cars stage and into the Super Hero stage i cant help but wonder where the heck the time has flown to. He has sprouted up before my eyes and i cant force it to slow down. He just keeps growing and all i can do is take a deep breathe and try to enjoy it day by day. He is always telling a joke or making us laugh. He has such a great personality and enjoys life. I hope he is always this way. I hope i always remember him this way.
Here we are four years later and my boy is all grown up. He isn't a little baby who needs my attention 24/7 anymore. He has grown 23 1/2 inches and gained 30lbs since he was born that day. He had developed his own personality and his own way of doing things. We have had a journey getting there though.
At one he was still my baby! I was a month away from having MJ and he was the sweetest thing. he started walking at 9 months old so he was already on the go. He loved nothing more than to play with balloons and cell phones. He weighted 20 lbs and was around 28 inches tall although i could be off on the height. He had already started developing his stubborn personality. He wanted his way and your way would just not do. We lived in an apartment at the time and he loved to climb the stairs to the bathroom. His favorite activity was bath time and he would eat anything. His favorites included spinach, chicken nuggets, and carrots. He was a boy with a mission and he would get it done.
At two he was a big brother and very rambunctious. He like to pick out his own clothes and try to get himself dressed. He finally took interest in playing outside and on the slides and swings. His personality was starting to come into its own. He loved to laugh and tickle. He is and was such a happy kid. He was still only about 21 lbs and about 32 inches tall. His favorite foods were steak, chicken, and eggs (i guess it was a meat stage). My little man is what i always called him. Those blue eyes would do something to you! He could look at you and it was like your heart just melted and you couldn't say no. He was such a doll and i miss that time frame.
As three had just passed what can i say. This was a year of ups and downs. We learned a lot about each other and our patience levels. He was such an explorer this past year. He loved being able to dig outside in the dirt and discover buried treasure. He would often bury stuff just to go dig it up another day. He was way into pirates. He loved to watch the Pirates of the Caribbean movies although i was surprised he wasn't scared by them. He was also very much into cars and trucks. He still is a very smiley kid but had learned how to push the boundaries and see how far he can go. His favorite foods are salads, chicken nuggets (see the pattern lol), and kale. He is such a Daddy's boy but loved Mommy to cuddle him. We had a great year! He weights 35 lbs now and is 42 inches tall. He is growing up so fast these days. This was also his first year of school and he had gotten so smart. He can write his name and is now starting to recognize other words like cat and dog. He loves to write out things if you sound out the letters to him. He makes us proud everyday with all the knowledge he possesses.
I look forward to what the next year holds for us. He will have another year of Head Start/Pre-K. I look forward to what all he will learn this year. We will be taking on reading as well as continuing to learn how to write. As he moves out of the Cars stage and into the Super Hero stage i cant help but wonder where the heck the time has flown to. He has sprouted up before my eyes and i cant force it to slow down. He just keeps growing and all i can do is take a deep breathe and try to enjoy it day by day. He is always telling a joke or making us laugh. He has such a great personality and enjoys life. I hope he is always this way. I hope i always remember him this way.
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